Obsession Is The Mother Of All Madness

We are going to chalk it all up to simple lunacy.

Last night, I watched twenty five -- that's right, TWENTY-fucking-FIVE -- episodes of Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon in one fell swoop. Afterwhich, I felt what seemed like a huge mallet pummelling my head, but I was blissfully happy. I couldn't care less about the shithole I'm in right now because I'm all zonked out with images of, heaven forbid, cute Japanese girls in short skirts somersaulting all over the place. And YES, there's Chiba Mamoru (played by Shibue Jyoji) to top it all off. (Pun not intended. Sort of.)


sigh, mamo-chan... :*)
Ahem. We shall not speak of it again.

Confessions of a Google Fanboy

I decided not to reformat lappy anymore. After a couple days' observation and seeing that whatever is incubated in lappy isn't going to do any more damage, reformatting can be put off at a more convenient time. I'm sort of relieved about it, and I hope lappy is too.

In more tech-related news, the foreboding advent of Windows Vista is scaring both me and lappy. Bad enough that I can't do much with a 1.3 GHz Pentium M processor, 30 GB hard drive, 256 MB RAM, and a dwindling 64 MB video card and STILL work with memory hogging programs like Adobe Photoshop CS2 and Macromedia Dreamweaver MX 2004 not to mention having hordes of (necessary) background processes running at the same time... and now Windows is out to draw more blood! Now that is just not right.

I believe that technological advancement should not exclude anyone and if possible, be more streamlined to do its job well, at the same time not sacrificing quality of service for aesthetics. Take Google for instance. The simple and neat-looking search engine doesn't have a lot of clutter, but it's one of the most powerful tools one can have on the Internet! The question "wherefore art thou" can now be answered, "Google."

And GMail. It has a titanic space of 2.5 GB and has a very simplified interface to work with. Sure there are advertisements on the side, but they are actually more helpful than obtrusive. Labels and Filters make it easier to organize mail too. And I don't know the technology behind it, but it loads fast, so time is definitely not wasted due to loading and broken links. Plus, the spam filter is quite powerful too.

Also just the other day, Google released the beta version of Google Talk, Google's IM client. It's all skin and bones right now, but it's very promising. Again, very simple and minimal without any other obtrusive features. Very convenient to work with and does not hog up system resources too much if at all.

I've also been a Firefox baby, using it since it was a wee zero-point-something version unzipping program. It has never been a disappointment ever since, and it's also the reason why I got interested with CSS, web design, and a tiny dabble with Web Standards. I can't wait until Firefox 1.5 is released.

For P2P, I use the original client for BitTorrent; and for IM, I use Miranda. Both are very simple and easy to use and most importantly, they don't strain lappy too much.

Sigh. I suppose it may seem pointless and all, since Microsoft has such a strong force when it comes to turning the tides of technology, and people have their own tastes anyway, but still. I don't claim to be such an expert on things like these, but I suppose I know enough. Maybe even more than most people who use and NEED the computer too, which is a bit sad. I guess maybe my point here is I care about lappy and everyone else who loves their own lappy. Whatever is best for us, I'm all for it. And I hope the lords of cyberspace understand that.

Lappy's Sick!

I'm not even sure if it's a virus, and if it's not, it's equally annoying.

- It generates an exe file in (almost) every folder in C: drive with the same name as the source folder (e.g. within Program Files folder, it has Program Files.exe; iTunes, itunes.exe).

- So if the program has the same name as the source folder, such as itunes.exe, I won't be able to run that program since the virus has overwritten it already.

- The file size is always 36 kb.

- It has a Microsoft Word icon, even if I don't have Microsoft Office installed.

- The My Documents folder doesn't seem to be affected, which is a good thing.

I've tried searching online for information, but I can't find any. I've tried every search keyword I can think of: virus, application, "new document", "microsoft word icon," 36 KB, etc. Still nothing.

I'm positively, absolutely sure that my antivirus software is updated as well as my Windows XP since I have scheduled maintenance enabled. I did a full scan but nothing was detected. I also tried using the online scanner in the Trend Micro website, but it didn't detect anything wrong either.

Also, I just reformatted and my computer has been working fine for around 24 hours until a few hours ago when iTunes wasn't opening anymore. It can't have been the websites I've been visiting since I've only visited regular ones like Yahoo, MSN, and different blogsites.

I also checked the other folders within C: and it seems it has gotten worse. I had to uninstall Winamp too, CoreFTP Lite, eMule, and LimeWire -- even if I hadn't run them yet after reinstalling them.

And then after a couple more hours of running around my hard drive, I found something odd when I checked msconfig. When my system starts up, it loads a file:

C:\Documents and Settings\[Profile]\Start Menu\Programs\Startup\startupfolder.com

Apparently, it creates a new Startup folder with the name Startup ' (yes with the apostrophe) and changes the attribute of the original Startup folder to Hidden.

I tried deleting the startupfolder.com file and deleting the Startup ' folder as well, and removing it from the startup items in msconfig, but when I rebooted the computer, it's still there!

Again, I Googled for solutions with new keywords, but still no results. This is driving me nuts! I don't want to have to reformat lappy again... :'(

Slow Dances

Finally gotten around to reformatting lappy. Started at 1 this afternoon and up until now, I'm still installing programs and updates, as well as sorting through gigabytes and gigabytes of my backed up files.

I'm almost done tho. Just waiting for OpenOffice to finish downloading. It was mentioned in Digg.com and by a couple other friends. Said it's a nice alternative to Microsoft Office, so I decided to try it out. I hope it really is better and not as heavy on the memory. I wouldn't want lappy to suffer again just after being reborn.

Also, after having been living in the dark for a long time, I finally see the light! Yes, I have a nifty new lamp in my room and I like it! The ambience is so... emo. In a muted sort of way. So now, at almost 1 AM and with Damien Rice crooning softly in the background, I feel like such an impoverished and suffering young artist. The pretense is rushing in my blood like a drug, I love it!

Sigh. So peaceful, so quiet, so yellow. I think I'll dance slow with my pillow now.

Trying To Land This Aeroplane Without Crashing

I remember now why I have always felt dark lightning storms in my heart whenever I'm around you -- cold and eerie and undeniably depressing. I remember why I call you the harbinger of doom. I thought I have sworn that off when we went our separate ways in college and we don't see as much of each other anymore. But because of last night, every little bit of jagged, heavy, and incredibly rock-solid lonely memory of you is being regurgitated yet again.

Look, I don't exactly know why we became really close friends during highschool, but we are, and we still are. We have definitely gone through a lot together to bind our friendship strong enough and create a solid connection that could last for a long time, but... at what price?

I remember each time you were going through something which requires different levels of angstin' (read: all the time), we would always end up having long talks about it: analyzing every angle of the situation, stating every fact, noting every cirumstance, every detail, how inescapable every groove and corner the hole we were in... AND I WOULD LISTEN, and listen painstakingly, patiently, through every sordid second of it all. Each pause I would try to say something comforting, something other than "it's ok," or "everything will be fine," because we both know that it's really not true. I would say things that sound more real, facing what you have explained to me given the details you have laid out. I would try to at least be remotely helpful AND SAY SOMETHING, however STUPID or IDIOTIC, even if I know there's no fucking thing I can do other than listening because I WANT TO HELP YOU.

And because honestly... I want to help me too. You drag me down. Terribly. With the intense pull of your gloom and the gravity of your problems gripping powerfully like a black hole, I have always been bogged down. I wanted to help you so I can help myself too. Did I mind? I don't know. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't notice it at that time. What, with everything I was going through at the same time, maybe I was just riding the dark waves of depression with you. And I guess that's what made us stick together. The synchronicity of our emotional wavelengths. It was easier dealing with it when you're with someone as miserable as yourself, ne?

And maybe I didn't understand you enough as I thought I did. But could you blame me? I had my own problems to deal with. You know that. Still I tried to stick it with you, because of some unnameable, irrational force moving me. There are times when I would just want to give up and leave you to your own misery but I simply, ultimately, can't. I couldn't bear it. The connection was too strong already, the pain is unbearable however little force I exert when I try to wrench myself away from you, even if I wanted to so badly.

So I stuck. And I continued to be there, and listen, and grin and bear and chew swallow all you tell me about your sorry little life, which is about every bit as miserable as mine. I even thought I developed a sort of numbness to it after a while. Especially in college, when we don't get to meet as often and you made new friends to talk with, apparently people more resistant (or adaptable) to your negativity than I am. We both developed a sort of muted independence from each other. Which, I admit, I was sort of happy about. I was even looking forward to the rare times when we meet and catch up on things. I thought finally, our friendship has passed the baptism of fire during highschool and has evolved into a finer, polished, more mature dimension. I loved you during highschool, but I loved you EASIER and with a FIERCER CALM after that.

Thence last night. Last night was the latest episode in the recent series, Podi Set Me Up With His Friend Which Didn't End Very Well (Which I Thought It Will Because Everything About It Was So Idyllic, It's Impossible To Screw Up) And Hence I Am Hurting Once Again After Telling Myself That I Am Already Happy. Amidst bottles of SanMig Light and smoke and tarot card readings, you were moaning bereft of love and chance and contentment, and I was, as usual, listening and responding the way I am used to doing as we were before.

But then I could feel something was horribly wrong. I'm sure you felt it too. As you and I were talking, something very apparent, very obvious was amiss. I can't understand you anymore. Or, more exactly, I can't make myself be understood anymore. We both have completely different eyes now, and I'm not sure whether it's always been there all along or something really changed with either of us. If it's the former, then I apologize for having noticed it only now -- things could have been better otherwise; and if it's the latter, then it's probably me who has changed.

You snapped back at me, telling me that I'm always looking for solutions. That when you say something, I always seem to feel the need to respond. That you only need someone to listen. Well, this may be news for you, BUT THAT'S HOW YOU MADE ME BELIEVE YOU NEEDED ME. Ever since we've become close, I developed this habit of lining up the details of your situation and then trying to come up with something that can help you get through it. Don't expect to talk with me and not get a response, BECAUSE I'M NOT AN EMOTIONAL GARBAGE BAG! I'm a living, breathing human being, who is coincidentally also one of your closest friends and whatever you tell me you're going through, I AM BOUND TO BE AFFECTED BY IT, NO MATTER HOW LITTLE IT IS, HENCE THE OVERWHELMING NEED TO HELP YOU OUT OF IT.

Do you know what I'm saying? Again, YOU DRAG ME DOWN. And I'm trying to help you because selfish as it may sound: I DON'T WANT TO BE PULLED DOWN WITH YOU. Not anymore. That's why I help you. I may not always understand you, but at least I'm trying to get us out of whatever shit we're in. The least you can do is exert some effort by helping me pull you up for fuck's sake. If you want to stay, just say so and I'll shut up and leave you alone. I may not like my life enough to live it, but at least I'm miserable because of my own reasons and in my own way and not affecting someone else.

I don't care anymore if this is still considered LOVE or just some cheap and selfish imitation thereof. I also don't care if this is still FRIENDSHIP or if it has already (inevitably, irrevocably, and inexorably) warped to something more twisted. I just want to help you because the ties that bind us make me miserable when you are. AND IF I'M GOING TO BE MISERABLE, IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF ME, AND NOT BECAUSE OF YOU.

PS: How dare you claim that you understand me completely. You don't. You may be smarter than me, and I acknowledge that, but to say or do things that are close to being condescending just to point out your side? I won't stand for it.

The Price Of Friendship

Sad when you thought someone you became real friends with over cyberspace suddenly grows cold and distant when... well... basta. I hate the feeling. I hate the feeling when you trust someone and you hold out on everything... but you walk away with nothing.

And the thing is you can't complain, and you're powerless to do anything about it because since you consider yourself a friend, you shouldn't be expecting anything in return.

Is this what the universe is teaching me? Is this the direction the world is hurtling to? Or is there just something wrong with me?

Sigh. I don't know which is scarier -- the questions, or the answers.

Yesterday No More

Yesterday, from the second I woke up until the moment I laid my eyes on the murals Alvin and I made for Azta salon, I was a mass of nerves and a total wreck. Seriously, my heartbeat was audible and it was driving me insane!

That's why it was so unimaginable the relief I felt when I saw how good the murals turned out. Fine, some of them were obviously blown up from a smaller image, and FINE some of the editing done weren't as clean, but all in all it was fairly ok. It wasn't a work of perfection but IT WAS DAMN CLOSE. Huff.

Anyway, I left the launch after the fashion show, several pica-picas, and half a glass of red wine (oh how I wanted more).

Evening was a different story. I can't go home yet since my sister will be using lappie for a project, and I hate it when I see either of my siblings use lappie the way they do. I know it's just me being OC about it, but hey. I love lappie and I'm a jealous lover.

So I ended up staying out late, Internet cafe-hopping all over Makati until around 2 AM when my sister IM-ed me she was done. I didn't like it, and I was completely out of sorts and not myself during the evening but hey. DEAL. Sigh. I hope I won't go through something like that again.

PS: Some mural picachures! (Optimized for web view.)

  

Prayer To The Cosmic Powers

If I'm already a nervous wreck right now, imagine how I'll be tomorrow afternoon. I'll be dying a thousand times over, I swear it. A huge stock of 'faith can move mountains' brand of magic is desperately needed for the murals we've made to display correctly.

Please please please please please make things work out. I don't know if I'm asking too much from the cosmos already, but I swear I did my part. We worked real hard for it and we pulled through despite the limitations, and it would be such a shame to be shot down now.

And I need this. I need this. I need this to work out because seriously, my spirit is nearing its breaking point. My ideals, my romanticism, my drive, and even my friends have been flung into the far corners of the galaxy just so I can focus my energies into this simple, little endeavor. I am almost running on empty, but I am ignoring it with every ounce of my being because...

... because there are people who are counting on me. And I have had enough of letting people down.

I Am One Of The Many

I AM ONE OF THE MANY.

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.

The Problem With Believing In Myself

It feels so good to finally eat real food, sleep on my own bed, and take a long overdue bath! The light in my room is still busted and it's still a jungle of wires, and yes, one half of the kitchen still smells like a dead rat but I'm glad I'm home. At least I can forget about the murals until Wednesday, when the salon will be launching, and Thursday, when we would have to do the murals for the Metrowalk branch.

The owner of the salon also asked me if I can freelance for them. That is, if they need something done, they can call on me to do it and I get an allowance every month. It sounds like an ok thing to do, and it seems like a simple decision to make especially with my current situation, but I'm still somewhat apprehensive about taking it.

"Podi, you're a stupid, pathetic, whiny little kid," that little voice in my head is saying. "Just take it already."

But... but... I can't! Things like these -- things dealing with money and business and even freelancing for goodness sakes -- I don't have an aptitude for! I'd much rather do things as a friend and feel good about it that way than get money out of it.

I suppose ultimately, I'd prefer dying (read: young) as a poor man with a lot of friends rather than claw through life making money and marketing myself with a standard of living stuck on 'survive.' Not that it's a bad thing. I just feel that I'd be happier with the former more than the latter.

Wait for me, I'm nothing on my own
I'm willing to go on, but not alone, not now
I'm so aware of everything, but nothing seems for real and
As long as you're in front of me then I'll

I watch the fingers of our hands
And I'm grateful that it's me
Holding on and on and on...
I believe in me

-- K's Choice, Believe

Greasy, Sleepy, And Strangely On A High

So the rain did let up, and me and lappie were able to do what we were supposed to -- stay awake for two days in front of two computers, eating nothing but take out and chocolates, with no hygiene to speak of except for some salvaged tissue papers and the bottom part of my stinky t-shirt.

Hey I gotta admit, once you get past the grime, it's kinda fun. And we made some mean ass murals too! Launching will most probably be on Wednesday and honestly, I'm scared and excited at the same time. Very similar to the feeling one used to get in highschool before a practical exam for a subject under a very strict professor.

Nevertheless, I hope the murals turn out fine. We honestly did work hard for it, and we know we could have done better if only we had more powerful computers. But I suppose we still did ok though. :-)

Can't wait to get home and take a bath!

Please Make It Stop

Please make the rain stop, at least for a few hours until me and lappie get to where we're going. What I'll be doing is very important to me and maybe it could lead to an actual attempt to get my shit together but if the cosmos doesn't cooperate, what kind of sign will I be interpreting it to?

Just for a while, please make it stop. If not for me, then maybe for the people who are counting on me. :'(

Betting This Won't Last Either

Yes, this is why I haven't been blogging for the past few days. And it didn't even come out the way I wanted it to. I was aiming for something similar to these sites: kingcosmonaut, yesterdayishere, trio, and certovka.

I tinkered with what little I know of Photoshop, but unfortunately I only succeeded in making myself more frustrated. So until I figure out a way to make something like a vintage-looking background effect (or until someone would be willing to help), the plain white stays. This is the white room after all.

Also, I decided to use the theme "heaven's not enough" once again since the last time I used it, it only stayed online for a couple of weeks. It seems like this layout would be just as temporary too. I wish I could make more lasting layouts. Maybe it's because I see it everyday that's why I get sick of it almost immediately. Pfft. Oh well.

Anyway, as usual it's bug-hunting season once again. Let me know if there's anything broken in the current layout. It would be really appreciated. :-)

Effortless Happiness

For my own good, I've decided to stop playing Dofus. I was getting too obsessed and I end up getting stressed out whenever I play it. Even interacting with the characters is getting to me.

Aside from the occasional inane -- I mean -- in-game crushes (!!!), I've managed to make friends with a couple of people. One from Singapore, and one from Europe. The person from Singapore is extremely nice. Problem was, s/he didn't like my other friend and they end up bickering whenever we go out to hunt. It was really too much for an online game, and I JUST WANT TO LEVEL UP, GODDAMNIT, I'M THIS CLOSE TO USING MY DARK RAY ON BOTH OF YOU AND REDUCING YOU TO TEMPORAL DUST SO SHUT UP AND LET ME KILL THIS GOBBALL ALREADY!

Well anyway I've made up my mind. Besides, the game won't even be released in the Philippines once it finishes open beta at the end of August. No sense making a career out of it.

What else. Ah, a friend dropped by last night to talk about the latest heartache. Sadly, this one was my fault since I set the both of them up. But I made a promise that I'd take care of either of them, whatever the outcome.

I don't know if I should be surprised it didn't end up too well. They were too alike in one level, and too different in another. Very extreme. It doesn't make for a great match, apparently.

My own love life? Hmm. Recently I realized it really doesn't take too much to make me happy. Seriously. As we say it here, mababaw lang pala ang kaligayahan ko. And it's very liberating. I don't have to think about it too much anymore, and as a matter of fact, I don't.

It helps me focus on other things now. Like looking for other games to obsess on.

Anger And Regret

After five days in the hospital, my mother is now home. However things don't end there just yet. The treatment is still ongoing and good lord, the medicine, all eight of them, are very expensive.

Thank the cosmos my mother's school shouldered the hospital bill. It was Way beyond what we could have handled, seriously. When I saw it this morning, my vision clouded up for several seconds. It was enough to buy a whole planet. I'm kidding of course, but still! It was something like that for us.

Anyway, right now I just got home from buying some of the medicine. I made a time table so my mother won't miss any, and everyone at home is given the heads up of everything.

I had a passing thought of how different things would have been had I still been working. I have nothing but regret, and maybe anger, at the situation I was placed in that fateful February evening. But what can one do right? I should have moved on, but I guess I haven't. How can one move on so easily at a chance of being secure and happy? Yes, I'm still angry.

In any case, the most sensible and human thing to do is to start looking for another job. But I'm nothing if not reckless, and being human is not what I'm good at.

Kaya Mo Ba To?!?!

I swear, this just made my day. My week. My month, even.

And using numerous other photos, the results are still undeniable. Among my kin are: Hugh Jackman, Jason Biggs, and Luke Perry (during his 90210 days).

So yes, you may kneel before me now. Bask in the glory that is my presence. No, no. One knee is enough. Really.

Catching Up

"Come at me. Every inch of me will resist you." (Chigusa, Battle Royale)

At last, I'm able to blog again. I had to transfer everything back to BlogSpot since the webhost has been having problems with Blogger logging on to the FTP. For over two weeks I didn't mind, and thought maybe the problem would fix itself. It's apparent now that it wouldn't. Really v. sad.

Anyway, catching up on things. I have been playing Dofus almost all the time I'm online, so there's nothing much to tell, really. The people are mostly Europeans since the game was originally from France so I don't get to interact with them much. Because of this, I hunt solo most of the times. So much for being a multiplayer RPG.

There are some times when some players ask for help, and I'm more than glad to oblige, but sometimes the anti-social part of my brain kicks in, I panic, and I log off right away. Especially this one player whom I think I have a crush on. Don't ask. Pathetic, no? :P

In other news, my mother is sick. She's been in the hospital since Friday. She has something similar to a cross between chicken pox and measles. We thought she'd be out by Sunday, but then the doctor discovered she also has diabetes and hypertension so she had to stay for a few days more.

The first night she went there, I was a total wreck. No need to get into details, but at least I got over it the morning after. Never mind that my life is still paralyzed right now and being like this is not helping her at all... I just hope she gets better.

And yeah, I already watched Battle Royale. Suffice it to say I liked it a lot. It scared the shit out of me, but I liked it a lot. I might watch it again, as a matter of fact.