This Isn't The End After All

Considering how my year started (which involves two bottles of red wine working its magic into two nubile and strapping young men :P), 2004 turned out to be quite ok. Although three-quarters of it was spent floating from pseudo-job to pseudo job, half of it learning a different kind of love, and a quarter of it learning to fend for myself... the whole year wasn't such a waste of time for me, as others would say it was.

So OK, I wasn't able to do a lot of things I was planning on doing. What I am right now isn't the person I had in mind when the year started. But who said life was easy right? Who said things always turn out the way we plan they would? Sure I'm happy-go-lucky when it comes to making decisions, thinking about the future. But hey, that's what I learned from living 22 years amongst such a motley mix of people.

I've learned a lot of things. I don't even know where to begin, or even to make sense of what I have learned so far. It seems like everything is just illusion. Nothing is permanent. Reality is a joke, and not in a bad way. Time doesn't hold back and you shouldn't too. It's OK to be afraid, because you'd know what to do once you're there. In the end it all boils down to you. Jump into the fire. What other people think don't matter at all. You should hear the cacophony going on in my head right now. It's ecstatic, it's unreal, I LOVE IT!

It's a shame saying goodbye to the previous year. It was like getting to know a new friend, and then having a hell lot of fun one Saturday night under the rain, and then saying goodbye to that new friend before dawn. It seems like it wasn't enough, but at the same time you know it's time to say goodbye.

Ah basta... what matters is we learned. That's the whole point of existing anyway. That we learn and grow -- for good or bad, right or wrong, heaven or hell.

oOo

It's not all about me of course. There are a lot of people I'm grateful for, for helping me pick up different pieces of myself I tend to leave lying around carelessly, even if I didn't ask them to.

First there's You... Who is so very much like me in so many ways. We're both always in love, and I guess that's what makes us great friends. Stay in love, and nothing can go wrong.

oOo

Then You, who always seems so lonely. You know, you're the strongest person I know. You even scare me, to a point. Not that it's a bad thing, but you know what I mean. I'd hate the thought of losing you.

oOo

You, who is so timid. Again, so very much like me. Only, you're the side of me I choose not to show very much to people. Only when I'm alone. And are you alone? No you're not. You're very happy, and I am as well, knowing that you are.

oOo

And You... I'm so very sorry I forgot. And I know how sensitive You are. I think about You a lot...

oOo

You, who is so very far away. You are always remembered, your smile, your temperance, and the way you make us all feel like we're normal human beings.

oOo

Then there's You, who I learned so much from. I owe a lot to you. I'm glad that you're happy. Right now, I know you're feeling a bit like you're still not quite sure where your dreams lie, but I know with your fire, with your passion, you are going to get there. I love you.

oOo

Then You, who is quite new to my life. You've been a mature side of me, and I am grateful for your perspective. You give me hope that there are several more years for me to look forward to.

oOo

And You, who is so very beautiful. We have the same dream -- that is, to teach. To show the world that there is more than what one sees, more than what one hears, and more than what one feels. It is such a mystery to the world... but not to us.

oOo

And then You, who loved me. I didn't know it at first. I didn't recognize its face. But you did, and I realized it a bit late. But I'm grateful just the same. You taught me a lot of things. I hope I did so to you as well.

oOo

You, as well. You can be more complex than I am. I do not know how I would feel about You, but right now, it's enough knowing that there's someone I know who share the same labyrinthine heart. Always, I am in awe.

oOo

And to the cosmos, I am grateful. I doubt a lot of times, I am afraid a lot of times, but in the little moments when you kill me, you lift me up each time a notch higher than I was before. I am afraid now, now that things are on the edge once again, where the world is born once again... but I know this is going to pass, and at the time when it does, when everything comes undone, when things don't seem to make sense the most... WE'RE GOING TO WIN IT!

oOo

"If crimson stained my face
And blue shadowed my gaze
I know the end is near
And I shalt not fear."

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AFTERTHOUGHT: To the souls which were claimed by the great tsunami a few days ago... Eternal rest and boundless love go out from us to you. If anyone else, it is you who have taught us the most. You will all be remembered. We shall all see each other soon brothers and sisters.

Permanence

A college friend who's taking up post graduate studies in China is spending his Christmas vacation here, and told us he might be staying in China for good. And another friend is being considered for termination from work. And still another friend mentioned her intentions of resigning. The other day I looked up the word 'permanence' on Google. I wasn't convinced.

If there's one thing that makes me afraid, it's the absolute uncertainty of things. Right now, things could be going well, but it could change any minute, any second. One might get a txt or a phone call or an email bringing a news which could change one's life either for better or for worse.

I know we shouldn't stress ourselves thinking of things we don't have control about. That we should focus more on what's happening at the present... but I guess it's just my nature to worry. THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE. That's a fact. True, we're going to lose a lot of things, and true, we're going to win a lot of things back. But right now... I can't be sure if what I have right now are worth losing...

So You, I think you'd do better in China.

And You, please treat this as a learning experience.

And You, give work a chance, please?

And You, hurry up. I'm gettin' cold.

Christmas Gift To The Blogosphere

I just realized I have six Gmail invites. If anyone wants one, give three reasons why I should send an invite your way, and your email address in case I decide to give. :P

Christmas Recap

Christmas was ok. I tried to get into the spirit but I just wasn't feeling any holiday tingle at all. First of all it was tiring from all the shopping that needed to be done, and then it became a bit, well, pointless since we had work anyways. (I didn't, since Saturday happened to be one of my rest days, but still. I empathize with my colleagues.)

First half of Saturday I was tuned in to Animax, watching the Card Captor Sakura marathon. I wouldn't have it any other way, but some officemates txted me and asked if I wanted to go with them and watch one of the Metro Manila Filmfest entries in the evening, after their shift. Suddenly feeling like a loser for wanting to stay at home, I said sure and we agreed to watch Mano Po 3. I would rather have watched Aishite Imasu (since Judy Ann was in it -- quit snickering), but I guess majority wins. I didn't mind that much, since Vilma Santos was in Mano Po.

So anyway, I met up with them around 7:30, and headed to the theaters to catch the 8PM screening of the movie. Apart from the funny smells inside the theater and not remembering any scenes na meron talagang nag-mano, I liked the movie.

Thinking about it, it wasn't that much different from it's predecessors (not only because of the theme, but also because of the excess amounts of EyeMo-supplemented scenes), but somehow, because it was more focused on one character, this movie had more coherence and a clearer perspective in it. I felt like I really understood how Vilma Santos' character, Lilia, was feeling and all the personal hell she was going through. Especially during the scenes when her kids started to get a bit iffy at her, I wanted to kick them in the gut and tell them, "You don't know your mother at all!"

It made me think how much people can be misunderstood. Or no matter how long we have already known someone, or how confident we can say that we truly understand someone, the sad truth is we really do not. Heck, we have so much trouble understanding ourselves, how much more understanding other people, right? How arrogant we must be telling other people we understand what they're going through. The closest we can come to understanding someone is maybe to hear them out and empathize. But what they're actually going through -- it's next to impossible.

In the movie, I admire Lilia very much because no matter how much negativity, no matter how much loathing she was getting from people around her, she kept resilient. She kept silent. Not because she accepted their accusations, but because she truly understood what they were feeling. She knew their accusations were valid, with the one glitch of not knowing what she went through in her past. She wasn't selfish as to deny them their feelings. If there were anyone who should be called selfish, it was the people accusing Lilia because they didn't even bother trying to understand Lilia's side. I don't think it even crossed their minds that Lilia had to be heard. But Lilia stayed silent, and understood.

I hope most people can try to keep quiet even for a few moments and try to understand, instead of complaining all the time.

This Christmas wasn't such a complete waste after all. :)

It's Beginning Feel A Lot Like Err...

Guess Who's Back

What better way to reconfigure myself than with a new half-baked layout? I can be such an impatient little brat.

Or more accurately, I AM an impatient little brat. I'm just good at hiding it most of the times. Am I proud of it? It gets me places, yeah. And it's good backbone.

But in the brownie points department, nothing beats good ol' genuine sincerity. It's harder to pull off too.

Anyway, enough of that. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I guess that's just the way things go after getting my hair... OOPS! I'm not supposed to say anything yet. (Sheepish.) :P

What Would Podi Do?

"Dear Terrance,

"I love you muchly. You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me.

"I kept drawing you in and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time.

"You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself... But what's wrong with me?"

-- Alanis Morissette, Unsent

Image courtesy of smashmethod.

Sigh. So... what do I do now?

A Sestina Of Parting

This is my first sestina (a verse form in which the last word of each of the first six lines repeat in ever-changing sequence over the next verses and in one three-line endpiece). And this is written for... oh, you know who you are. You left as subtly as you came in. I will forever be grateful to you for making known to me your... SUBLIME brand of love.

--

It didn't come as a surprise, I must admit.
And it wasn't absolutely unexpected.
But please know that I was not totally deaf,
I was not totally unfeeling, and I indeed felt
the call of love though it was somehow foreign,
the love you brought. But I welcomed it, without a doubt.

I recall the feel of water, the dark looks of doubt.
But I swam none the less, though I did not admit
I longed for something else -- stronger, a power foreign,
a surprise, a cliff, or something unexpected --
which as it always did, render me frozen as I felt
it would; produce a blitzkrieg so loud leaving me deaf.

And you came in differently, you were not so deaf
as I thought you would be, which was a fatal doubt.
And you came in as subtle as white silk as I felt --
which was a little too much, and, I cannot admit,
also a little too less. It was unexpected
but I somehow appreciated the foreign

way you made yourself known in my heart -- a foreign
culture as a whole in which I thought I was deaf
to. And sometimes you would do something unexpected,
something so different that soon all traces of doubt
in me would vanish completely, making me admit
to myself that after a long time, I indeed felt

love. And I had strayed into a dream, and I felt
I was asleep, as peaceful in you, not so foreign
as you were before. Still I was unable to admit
that I longed to wake up. And the universe was deaf
but I did not mind, and I, devoid of any doubt,
continued my slumber with you, as unexpected.

Sometimes we wake up, absolutely unexpected.
Sometimes dreams fade in the morning half-light, as we felt
all the shadows return in contrast to all the doubt;
when light plays illusions without you feeling foreign.
And grateful for the dream, I revert to being deaf.
Don't get me wrong because I loved you, I can admit.

There was neither doubt, nor was there pain unexpected.
And I admit I loved you and happiness was what I felt.
But your love's forever foreign, and I forever deaf.

The Keyboard Is My Best Friend

OK, now I know why I'm on email. I st-st-st-stutter a lot. Especially if I'm conscious that I don't know what I'm talking about -- which is all the time. The keyboard is my best friend. Wheee.

In other news...

Chi, the beautiful flowerhorn Harold and I are taking care of, passed away last night... Let us take a moment. :'(




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AFTERTHOUGHT: I'm wearing pink today. I'm just saying.

Turn Back Time

Life is so delicate. I have twenty minutes more before I'm off from work, but I'm thinking if I should download another batch of emails or not. Depending on one little decision I make, I could affect a lot of lives, not only mine.

- The other reps who are supposed to answer those emails.
- The sender of the emails, because each agent naturally has a different answer.
- The people I might be interacting with after work.
- A million others.

Overwhelming. And it gives each of us power over a lot of things.




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AFTERTHOUGHT: Remember the movie Sliding Doors? Or the morbid Butterfly Effect? I strongly believe in what both of those movies imply.

AFTER-AFTERTHOUGHT: Well whaddaya know. My shift's about to end. I didn't get to download that batch of emails after all. :)

End-Of-Year Paranoia

I had an epiphany-ish experience just a few moments ago.

With all the hype about reality shows going on, it's not an entire impossibility that the world could lead to something happening on this island.

Hold me, please.

A Mass Of Dots

I was supposed to sleep. But once again, making a conscious decision alarms the universe to do a 180 on me, so it decides to keep me awake. Knowing better than to fight it, I looked for something to do instead. I was sorting through the junk I sleep with on my bed, and I saw beneath the books and CD's (which I have yet to return to their rightful ownners) this DVD I got a few weeks before, which I haven't had the chance of seeing yet.

Latter Days. It's about a typical LA gay boy, Christian, and a Mormon missionary, Aaron, and their young-hearts-run-free romance.

There's no denying there were a lot of scenes which I had to bite my pillow just to keep myself from crying. (Heh. Funny that.) I guess I just have to capitalize and punctuate the experience by saying, "it moved me," and I could watch it again on a Saturday night with chocolate ice cream or blueberry cheesecake, but definitely not by myself.




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AFTERTHOUGHT: I liked how Aaron thought about life. He compared it to the old Sunday comics, when they were still colored using lots of dots put together. He said sometimes, he would look at the pictures closely, and all he could see were dots. And life could be like that, looking like a mass of dots and nothing makes sense. But when we pull back, we realize that everything is connected. And it's beautiful. And it's funny. And it's good.

I Hear Voices

I can't focus! Bad idea going to the office three hours early. I have been inadvertently riding the sine wave of this storm, I can't stand it! I feel so restless... Heaven help me what I am capable of when I get restless.

Goshdarnit I might as well start on my emails.

As If We Need Reminding

I woke up around 10AM, skipped lunch and went online. I was hoping to get my QA Evaluation, but it wasn't on my mail yet. Instead, I got to talk with the person in charge of a multimedia-related project I'm supposed to be in, and he said he needed results tomorrow already. I got a bit worried, since I really haven't been thinking about the project much. I have to talk with my partner tomorrow about it.

So mid-afternoon I was still online. So far, I've consumed three bags of potato chips and downed three bottles of Mountain Dew. This may sound anti-climactic, but as I was watching Fancy Lala (I know right, what a title), I remembered what it was like to be a kid, and what type of things a kid thinks about. How idealistic a kid can be.

And thinking we really don't change as much when we grow up. It will always be in our core -- that the world can be a better place. We just get... warped. And we stray a little. But our ideals rotate on that.

Anyway, the character I like most in Fancy Lala is Komi, Lala's gay hairdresser. It's almost like he's Lala's spiritual advisor, always the only one making sense when Lala needs to comb through her life... not to mention her hair. He taught Lala that she will always have a little kid inside her, no matter how much of a grown up she thinks she is.

As if we always need reminding, ne?


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A sweet afterthought: Chisa, Miho's big sister, was sort of dating this guy, Imaichi, from her school. Ika nga sa mga pinoy, "parang sila, pero hindi." Anyway, the ambiguity was getting to her so she tried dating another guy, Mario.

Now, Mario is being a really great guy and all. He invited Chisa out for a movie, concert, and dinner together. All in all, it was almost perfect. But Chisa seemed really preoccupied -- having a lot on her mind thanks to Miho reminding her of her relationship with Imaichi.

So anyway, in the end, her feelings for Imaichi prevailed. And when they were both walking home under the rain, separate umbrellas and all, Chisa (somewhat reluctantly) invited the guy out for the movie she's already seen with Mario. "I thought you already watched it with Mario," Imaichi said. "And you even cried at the ending, you told me."

Chisa looked up, and let go of her umbrella. She whispered, "But I want to watch it with you..." She looked at Imaichi, and it seems like she's about to cry. She let go of her umbrella and jumped to hug Imaichi. "I want you to be beside me when I cry..."