My Gift To The Graduates

I was writing a speech which my mother had to present for her school's graduation ceremonies. It turned out quite odd, because I think I subconsciously injected some of my personal rantings in. Although I was careful to buffer some of the negative points, it was still tangibly... negative.

What I imagine I did was to romanticize the whole thing with having every point revolve around a certain topic -- dreams, to be exact -- and present it in a way that could, if not would, make a mark in the students.

Let's just hope my mother doesn't warp it in some weird ass way by missing a word or improperly delivering it. Heh. I should be there when she does it and give coaching tips. In fact, I'm almost tempted to do the speech myself. Hahahahaha! Whatevs.

My Last Email

Hello Sir Mike,

First off, I feel I should apologize. For what exactly, I don't know. Anyway, I guess it should only be proper that I send my last email to the supervisor I have had in my almost 7-month stay with the company.

I submitted my letter of resignation a week ago, and I know I still have a few more weeks before its date of effectivity, but, as with most things, plans don't always turn out the way we expect them to. My current situation does not allow me to stretch my stay much longer. I know I owe an explanation, but again, as with most things, it's really very complicated. But since you have been really good to me, I'll try to make it simple. LOL. :-)

As you know, I have not graduated from college, and related to this, I have not been a very... conventional student my whole life. I will always find something to make the things I'm doing more parallel to my ideals rather than me adapting to them. Sometimes this proves to be effective and it works to my advantage, but most of the times it doesn't work out and I just come off as a selfish and arrogant son of a bee-yotch. LOL.

Anyway, bearing that kind of psyche, I know I shouldn't be expecting to fit in just anywhere. And so it happened that I was always looking for somewhere I could hang out and kill time until the next milestone in my life comes along. I would take on sidelines such as designing websites for some friends, writing articles for such and such underground publications, participating in so and so causes... Things which, although worthwhile to a point, merely provide a temporary recluse from 'the real world.'

And then come call centers. A few friends suggested I try it out, since it should be something very easy for me. So I decided to apply here since I know some people anyway. Two weeks after passing my resume, I was accepted and I was merrily on my way to another one of my would-be temporary hangouts.

So for six months, that's what I did basically. Hanging out. And being in E-Support helped a lot in pursuing that course. I liked what I was doing, since I was writing and not dealing with actual people (and contrary to what I mentioned during my interview, I'm not exactly a 'people person'), and the whole team was really great! In my mind I was content and really happy, but underneath it all, I have a suspicious feeling all of this wouldn't last. I know the universe would not allow it. It's not possible for someone to be happy this easily. In my mind, I thought I was cheating happiness.

And so finally the universe dealt me its mortal blow. I got transferred to Web Hosting, and suddenly I was not hanging out anymore. This was getting really serious, and if there's one thing in life I'm afraid of aside from reptiles and amphibians and creepy crawly things, it's getting serious. Nevertheless, I still tried to claw for whatever silver lining I could get my grubby little hands on. I did my best during training, and I tried to at least pretend to sound sincere when talking on the phone. I guess it was a bit successful since people were telling me I was doing well. I was actually kicking and screaming inside. I tried shushing it down, but it won't work. It was really getting serious, and I knew then I had to leave. So I did.

So this letter I wrung out from my brain was conceived. I need another break, and another place I could hang out in, and I know all of what I just said is not easy to understand (my mother even told me once, 'anak, ang weird mo'), but I still appreciate everything you have done as my supervisor. Although I do admit, I have met the most interesting personlities in my life within the motley crew of E-Support. That includes you, Sir Mike, and don't try to hide it. LOL. I'm going to miss you all. :-)



All the best,

Podi Alejandro

In other news, my father doesn't seem to be pleased with the idea, obvs. It's been a long time since he's spoken with me, and I'm not about to put up with it. NOT AGAIN, please. I hope he gets off my case. He knows there's no sense trying to fight through the bad blood between us. It's just really futile. We're just not listening to each other, we don't see eye to eye, we never understand one another, and it always ends up messy. It's been over twenty years. NOT AGAIN.

Wonderful Little Secret

Yesterday was wonderful. I'm not really sure how to describe it. I'm not even sure if 'wonderful' is the correct word. I was hypersensitive to everything around me, like I had just finished drinking a couple bottles of beer and I was walking underwater.

It's difficult to describe, especially when I'm reading a particularly good part in the book I had with me, or if a good song suddenly comes up. I'd let no more than a chuckle escape, even if what I really wanted to do was snivel in my chair or sing out loud while walking.

I like it when I chuckle. People look sometimes, they must think I know something they don't. That I have this little secret. I guess I do. It was like that all day... from 10AM till 1AM, just me and the little secret I have for company, and it was wonderful.

Interesting Conversation

... She watched the rising smoke for a while, thinking. "I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for perfection. That makes it tough."

"Waiting for the perfect love?"

"No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Perfect selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortbread. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortbread out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for."

"I'm not sure that has anything to do with love." I said with some amazement.

"It does," she said. "You just don't know it. There are times in a girl's life when things like that are incredibly important."

"Things like throwing strawberry shortbread out of the window?"

"Exactly. And when I do it, I want the man to apologize to me. 'Now see Midori. What a fool I've been! I should have known that you would lose your desire for strawberry shortbread. I have all the intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit. To make it up to you, I'll go out and buy you something else. What would you like? Chocolate mousse? Cheesecake?'"

"So then what?"

"So then I'd give him all the love he deserves for what he's done."

"Sounds crazy to me."

"Well, to me, that's what love is. Not that anyone can understand me though." Midori gave her head a little shake against my shoulder. "For a certain kind of person, love begins with something tiny or silly. From something like that or it doesn't begin at all."


(Conversation between Toru and Midori; excerpt from Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood.)

Auf Weidersehn

Right. So I went ahead and did it. It's rare that I say this, but there's no other way to verbalize it...

Goodbye, PeopleSupport! My days of hanging out within these yellow-colored walls are over. It's been a real fun and enriching ride while it lasted. :-)

On to the next gloomy chapter of ma vie. NO REST FOR THE WICKED!

Jabber Conversation

superpogi says: feeling ko di ako tatagal...
Podi says: for this day or for forever?
superpogi says: forever
Podi says: ano ba
superpogi says: gusto ko na mgresign
superpogi says: kaso nahihiya ako kay will....
Podi says: you know, pareho lang tayo
superpogi says: mataas expectations nya
superpogi says: sa kin
Podi says: diba i told you kinausap ko na si ron last night
Podi says: tapos sabi ko pag-iisipan ko muna before i submit my letter
Podi says: pagka magreresign ka, baka ituloy ko na un
superpogi says: hhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy
Podi says: tapos nahihiya din ako kena roslyn saka lali saka josie
superpogi says: me too
Podi says: :'(
superpogi says: basta
superpogi says: pg di ko n tlaga matiis
superpogi says: go na ang resignation!
Podi says: haaaayyy
Podi says: pero you know, the calls themselves aren't that bad.
superpogi says: korek
Podi says: the question kasi here is... do we like what we're doing?
superpogi says: korek again
Podi says: grabe
superpogi says: di na ko ngeenjoy
Podi says: kelan tayo sasaya superpogi? :'(
Podi says: lol
superpogi says: sex nga tau...
Podi says: wenfiuwehbfinf;oaiwemcliuewhnfioaerjfq

Being In Stasis At A Crossroads

Remember the last scene of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, when Harry was talking with Dumbledore? Harry admitted he was put in Gryffindor just because he told the Sorting Hat not to put him in Slytherin, even if the Hat was telling him he would be a perfect fit in that house.

Dumbledore told Harry that in the end, the Sorting Hat agreed because that was where Harry himself decided where he wants to be. Sure he ended up fighting a basilisk and facing the world's most evil wizard but he came through right?

I'm here where I am right now not because of fate or circumstance, not because of skill or how good or bad I am, but ultimately, inevitably because I choose to be here. Now, at this moment, at this second, I have to choose whether to stay or to move on.

Which would be the better choice then? At this point, no one can really tell. Honestly, who can say it would be good for me if I stay? Or I'd be better off if I leave? And anyway it's still my choice to make and my mistake to face, if ever.

--

EDIT (03.25.2005; 3:01AM): I realized I typed in Ravenclaw instead of Slytherin! For shame!

Dismal Beginnings

Monday evening once again, another inescapably dismal week has begun. Practical Assesment later and I practically lost what little smidgin of interest I was holding on to. The future couldn't get any clearer anyway even if I do hang around this job.

Sigh. More bad news -- our phone line got cut off. Still no news as to when it'll be reconnected. This means no Internet at home for the meantime. Good because at least I'd get to talk with real people for a change, and bad because... well... I like being online. Besides, there are not enough real people in the 'real' world anyway.

What else. Oh yeah, I finally got Norwegian Wood after 47 years. I'm really looking forward to reading it. If I can't find any sense in what I'm doing right now, maybe I'd find more sense there. Haruki Murakami has that magic, to weave a real world all his own and cover you like a warm blanket. And I'm a willing victim.

--

Update as of 11:30 PM, OK so I failed the Practical Assesment and I'm supposed to be having a retake later after everyone's finished. Damnit, this is what I hate most. Waiting. Life is just one big, happy, fucking waiting shed isn't it?

And isn't it crazy how life can both be the waiting shed and what we're waiting for at the same time?! It's not my idea of living, especially since I'm such an impatient little brat.

LET'S JUST GET IT OVER AND DONE WITH ALREADY OK?!

A Toast

Right, so I passed the final exams for training.

A part of me feels good about it since fine, it validates that I know what I'm doing even if I don't like it; and FINE, I still have the capability to adjust even though I thought I lost it quite a while ago. But still a large and rather loud part of me is still kicking and screaming inside. No sense thinking about that now tho.

What I'm REALLY looking forward to is later's bonding session. INUMAN SA DENCIO'S!

Here's to the past rotten three weeks. Here's to the scary and looming (and brief) future. Here's to being in a perpetual state of being in love. Here's to being alive and dying little by little. And lastly, HERE'S TO ME!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Sunday nights are the most difficult.

(Consciously, it seems odd talking about Sunday when it's technically Tuesday. Sunday is just yesterday for me... but that's another story)

For me it's when I mostly feel life nudging me annoyingly to move forward. (As if it needed to. I had no choice in the matter at all.) Again, I planned to do a lot of things before the weekend was over, but again, I fell asleep. So I had to settle on staying online the whole night.

I decided to maximize the minimal Internet traffic at that time to download mp3's, so I queued in some Tori Amos songs. One of the few songs I got was her cover of Somewhere Over The Rainbow. It was a live performance, but it might as well have been recorded in a studio since it sounded really clean and pitch perfect. And the way she sang it, it really made me think of Dorothy and rainbows and reaching out to dreams that can really come true.

One day I wish upon a star,
wake up where the clouds are far behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
way upon the chimney tops,

that’s where you’ll find me...

Somewhere over the rainbow,
blue birds fly.

Birds fly over the rainbow,
Why, oh why can’t I?

I had the song on repeat the whole day. The mood was subtly different from the other day when I had Creep playing on loop. Both had a melancholy effect for me, but Somewhere Over The Rainbow didn't carry the hopelessness which Creep seemed to have attached with it.

I was listening to it walking to work earlier this night. For 8PM, there wasn't a lot of people on the streets anymore. Nor were there a lot of vehicles too. I didn't mind at all. I took my time walking, and I know deep down I was approaching another crossroad.

With each second, it's becoming clearer where I should turn next.

It's Worse Than I Thought

I woke up to the sound of the alarm I set for 7:30PM. It was dark in my room, but my eyes hurt for some reason so I managed to open just my right eye. My right arm was groggily searching for the source of the sound beside my bed. I was thinking, make it stop... make it stop... But I knew it won't until I shut it off myself.

My hands found my phone, which was on my laptop. Deep in my subconscious, I knew it was my phone making the sound, but right at that moment, it felt like the alarm was a living, breathing, horrible thing that it seems possible the sound was coming from my laptop. So I opened my laptop, knocking off a lot of things in the dark doing so, and I started to feverishly press any key my fingers managed to land on, hoping one would kill the ringing in my ears.

By this time I was already whimpering, why won't it stop? Why won't it stop?! And it was so dark, and it was so loud, and very, very scary.

With my left hand, I managed to snag my phone from where it fell on the floor. I pressed a key to make it light up and turned it towards my laptop's keyboard. Instead of seeing the usual letters, it was filled with odd contortions of symbols which were scarier than the sound which I was continuously hearing. I was desperate to make it stop and I was crying so very intensely, and so very silently.

My phone fell on the keyboard and it was then I realized it was my phone making the sound. Breathing heavily, I pressed the key to make it stop. It did. But the ringing in my ears was still there. It made me sick to my stomach. (And then I realized I haven't eaten the whole day, and I haven't gotten out of my room since coming home this morning, and I haven't taken a bath, and I was fading... fading...)

And, like a train to an unknown place slowly accelerating, I fell asleep with the cold and lifeless sensation of the keyboard on my cheek...

My Old Addiction

My old addiction
Changed the wiring in my brain
So that when it turns the switches
Then I am not the same

So like the flowers toward the sun
I will follow
Stretch myself out thin
Like there’s a part of me that’s already buried
That sends me out into this window

-- kd lang, My Old Addiction

Not surprisingly, I wasn't able to do a single thing which was on my list. So what if I fell asleep? So what if I went out midnight and stayed out until 4AM hunting for blueberry cheesecake? So what if I ended up drinking just one bottle of San Mig Ice and going home right away because I had to piss since Mini Stop doesn't have a restroom? So what if the universe decrees that No Friend Of Podi's Will Go Out With Him This Saturday Night? So what if the week was capitalized with a total let down and because I'm such a sucker for cosmic signs and karma, my whole week is totally ruined before it has even begun? SO WHAT?!

Sigh.

So what do I really want to do? Pile my room with books, and I'd rather read till my lights go out. If my body can't be made to run away, my mind and my heart will do. Two out of three ain't bad.

The Universe Gets A Kick Out Of Plans

It's been an undeniably long week for me, and I don't want to waste this weekend sleeping. I want every minute to count. I want to do a lot of things to make up for the stress my already burnt out self has managed to accumulate. Let's see what I can do...

- Watch The Aviator. I was planning on watching it Sunday last week but I fell asleep from 6PM and woke up Monday morning. What a total waste of good Sunday evening.

- Buy a new book. Already finished the book I got from Books for Less last week. Dream Boy by Jim Grimsley. It was ok. I guess.

- Finish up Artemis Fowl because, well, I started it already and it'd be a shame if I don't read it. Although one character, Butler, was getting really annoying.

- Stuff up on blueberry cheesecake again, since I already lost enough in the tummy area. Balance, you know.

- Watch the DVD's I got which I haven't seen yet -- Home At The End Of The World, Angels In America, Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.

- Quit putting off downloading mp3's which I like so I won't keep on forgetting them.

- Take a friend's advice and actually start being more positive. Positivity attracts good vibes after all. Not to mention good dates. :P

Right. So that's not too much for a weekend, is it? :)




----------
AFTERTHOUGHT: Oh, don't even get me started with work. It's gotten really tough, I failed a major exam, and we're going live on the 15th. I would be needing a miracle right about now.

AFTER-AFTERTHOUGHT: Seven hours later, Podi will be waking up with a tubthumping headache, kicking himself for falling asleep and wasting a large chunk of Saturday.

AFTER-AFTER-AFTERTHOUGHT: An officemate's mother passed away yesterday morning... just a few months after his father died too. Poor guy... Candles are lit for him and his family.

The Victim

Victim of love
you have a broken heart
and you have a story to tell.

Victim of love
it's such an easy part
and you know how to play it so well.

I think you know what I mean --
you're walking in the wire
of pain and desire,
looking for love in between.

(Anonymous)

That poem was not what I had in mind when I got home yesterday morning. I didn't feel sleepy right away so I decided to go online. I was not thinking of it then, but it hit me... it's been a month since I last logged in the chatrooms.

I realized that was a bad thing to think about, because then I wanted to log in again. And, as human weaknesses sometimes tend to justify our actions, I logged on right away.

When the channel messages started scrolling, the feeling of being just another virtual, unreal identity settled on my head like I was seasick. It was like I was taking on another aspect of myself, which was NOT REAL AT ALL. I was one of them again. Just another shadow in cyberspace. And people online were either just bored, or horny, or both.

That morning, initially I was bored. Initially. But as I was talking with this person, eventually... I got a little worked up. Things got a bit out of hand after that. So to speak.

Anyway, I invited the person over, even though I know I wasn't supposed to because one: my father was here; and two: my father was here. But I still did, because of (all together now) human weakness.

So we decided to meet right away and he arrived at around 20 minutes. I told the people at home that an officemate just dropped by to pick up some DVD's. We went straight into my room, and after apologizing for the mess of wires, papers, books, and CD's, it hit me like a goddamned mallet that I didn't know what the hell I should do next.

I let him sit on the bed while I fired up my laptop. I was honestly, absent-mindedly just stalling until I figure out what to do. He was trying to make small talk -- which was kind of cute -- telling me how odd it was for someone to have so many books and actually get to sleep on a bed with the piles strategically placed for comfort. I smiled weakly, bit my lip, and regarded him with a look that might have said, "Please don't think I'm such a freak."

He was quite attractive, honestly. Same age as I am, but he looked really young(er). I was almost afraid the people at home would think, "What the hell is Podi doing, bringing a kid into his room and introducing him as his officemate? Is he up to something?" He was fairly quiet, but then, most strangers are, in such encounters anyway.

Right off the bat, you can tell we won't -- can't -- jive as something closer than a brief encounter. But then again, that was the whole point why we met anyway. So we did. As nameless shadows, devoid of any emotion, we did. Like a cliche, we did, and it happened.

And while it was happening, there was a familiar tug inside me. A familiar rending of flesh, which I was holding on to for dear life so I would NOT (Goddess help me) inadvertently break down. It lasted as long as we were together, and followed through after that. And even further, until he had to leave. I was still feeling that weak, helpless, hopeless hook of something akin to a wisp of despair within my chest.

But the thing is, while we were there, I know my thoughts and my feelings make me real, I know it gut-deep. The guy I met was flesh and blood, but he felt nothing more than mere shadow for me. I don't know anything about him at all. And I made love with that shadow. The sad part is, I wonder what a shadow sees in me?

And even sadder: I may know the answer. I'm just not acknowledging it.

It may seem I'm saying that I like the person I met up with. Not at all. It's not really about him. More to the point, it's all about me. (It's always about me after all.)

I was talking with a friend and he asked me how it was. I told him... it was mostly, but not exactly, wanting to feel that you somehow MATTER to someone. That you are important to someone, and not just a featureless shadow. Like I said -- my thoughts and emotions were real. You might even say that I am in a constant fluctuation of being "in love."

More often than not, I need something to validate the "realness" of that emotion. I need something to acknowledge that what I thought and what I felt were solid and are worth... something.

Not receiving that acknowledgment is just like throwing my heart away like useless junk. Telling me I don't matter. I'm not important. And what I think and what I feel don't amount to much. That love is something dispensable. Recyclable. But I know it's more precious than that. We're more precious than that.

Sigh. I should really do something about it already. :)