As True As Fiction

OK. I've finished downloading Battle Royale, but I'm not watching it yet. First, because I don't want to watch it by myself; second, because the light in my room is busted and I don't want to watch it in the dark; third, because I don't know how to make the subtitled work; and fourth, because I'm utterly skerred.

In other news, I have officially cut myself off from the rest of the world and become a cyber hermit in training. I figure reality doesn't want me around anyway, so I'm taking the hint and moving my sorry life to warm and welcoming arms of fiction.

Now I must away and hunt gobbals and slay dragoturkeys.

Manual Stress Override

I don't know if I'm really brave for doing this, but I'm downloading Battle Royale right now. All things considered, I know I would never, EVER watch a movie like this... but I'm somehow compelled.

Maybe because I need something potent to override the real life stress I have on my back. I don't know. Go figure.

15 hours download time remain. It's like a countdown to my death. Hehe...

When Grandmother Asks

Because of some errands I had to run this morning, I had to drop by my grandmother's house in Guadalupe to pick up some things I needed for the computer. I haven't been there for a long time, and not without reason.

She asks. But I don't want to tell her I'm doing OK and not to worry because I have a stable job.

I don't want to say that I'm planning to study again and move abroad eventually, like she expects what I would do.

I don't want to tell her that soon, I will have a house built for my mother in some nice, wealthy, and quiet suburban neighborhood, just like how she dreams of it.

Still she asks. But I don't want to lie to my grandmother.

Razzle Dazzling

Hono'o-chan is going to be on TV! She was asked to do a demo on scrapbooking for Studio 23's morning show. (I forgot what the show's called tho.)

She's really excited about it, and at the same time really scared -- but not for the usual reasons. She's scared because... well... basta. If it were me, I wouldn't know what I'd do either. Maybe just chuck it and do a sudden death decision when I'm there already.

Sigh, business politics. Oh well. TV! So exciting. :)

Tag-licious!

Gosh, I have been a bad non-blogging boi. It's not totally my fault tho. The universe has been quiet these past few days.

Well, not totally quiet so much as hushed. Some things happened, but... I'm not sure how I'd write about them. Especially at this point when I'm close to forgetting.

Anyway, it's about a random hook-up which happened last Monday, but that's about it. Nothing more. Other than that, there's nothing else.

So this is how I'm updating -- with a tag from Paul. It's been a while since I got me one of these. :D

Three names you go by:
1. P
2. Podi
3. Paul (Hi, my name is Paul, how may I help you?)

Three screen names you have had:
1. RevenanT
2. BooRadley
3. Antediluvian

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. Dimples.
2. Eyes.
3. Two piercings on my left ear.

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. Slim frame.
2. Hair.
3. Body hair.

Three parts of your heritage:
1. Filipino
2. Spanish
3. More Filipino than ingredients in halo-halo.

Three things that scare you:
1. Growing old too.
2. Responsibility.
3. Newbie-ism.

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Lappie!
2. Internet connection.
3. My anti-social device.

Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. Tori Amos
2. Paula Cole
3. Jason Mraz

Three of your favorite songs:
1. Jewel - You Were Meant For Me
2. Billie Holiday - It Had To Be You
3. Oliver James - The Greatest Story Ever Told

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Communication.
2. Random acts of romantic whimsy.
3. Telepathic link. Or at least, a finely tuned wavelength.

Three lies and truths in no particular order:

LIES:
1. We need volunteers.
2. I'll call you.
3. Don't panic.

TRUTHS:
1. There are signs everywhere.
2. Things aren't always as they seem.
3. In the end, only kindness matters.

Three physical things that appeal to you:
1. Eyes
2. Lips
3. Neck

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Blogging.
2. Playing video game RPG's.
3. Writing.

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. Play Neverwinter Nights.
2. Organize notes for a short story.
3. Snuggle up in bed with a copy of Kafka on the Shore.

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. Teaching.
2. Being a web and graphic designer.
3. Writing.

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Japan.
2. London.
3. Baguio.

Three kid's names you like:
1. Paolo
2. Miguel
3. Janice

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Bake a mean tasting blueberry cheesecake.
2. Publish a poetry book.
3. Plant a tree.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I'm not vain.
2. Shiny gadgets turn me on.
3. Everything seems better after jerking off, which, considering all circumstances, I do a hell lot.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. Excessively sensitive and emotional.
2. I like being pampered.
3. I like having sex with guys, duh.

Three people I would like to see take this quiz:
1. Hono'o-chan
2. Phillip
3. Aajao

The Waves Of Broadband

YES! I'm riding the waves of broadband, ladies and gentlemen! It has been a long journey, but finally -- FINALLY -- I'm in the game! No more destructive dial-up angst, no more phone line piss-a-thon...

We are on broadband!

We are powerful!

We are paying P1,995 a month!

A Cosmic Tap On The Shoulder

It's been a week since I've been spending evenings in my room with a busted light. I'm not really in any hurry to fix it up. Sometimes even, I like it this way. Staring for hours on end in silence in front of lappie's warm light. It's calming, and it helps me think about things in crisp, clear perspectives. I feel I could even start writing again.

The other night, it was kind of odd. It was a normal evening in all aspects, quiet without being too overwhelming, and dark without being too creepy. I've been having problems with my modem so I decided not to bother going online anymore. I opened up Microsoft Word and tried to get into my zone.

It wasn't until around two hours or so when I realized I've been staring at the telephone the whole time.

"Who are you waiting for, Podi?" it said, it smiled, and, after a few heartbeats, it rang.

The Pathology Of Need

maybe it was because
he needed it so much
and i pitied him
or maybe it was because
i secretly needed him
but when he said, "be still,"
i acquiesced
for it was his word, uncontested
and i was merely a servant,
ready and able
and willingly blinded.

so he made love to me that night
and it was like lightning
and it was like serpents
tamed, but never mastered
slowly, but never gently
until, unbidden, dawn crept silently,
calming his enraged mind,
sating his tired body.

and when, as i lay there watching
his spent, silent, unmoving form,
when i heard him whisper
a name that wasn't my name,
i hissed a bitter apology
hating, despite of myself.
it was not his fault,
never his fault,
that tonight he needed it
and that i needed him more --
but because i loved him secretly
which, up until now was hopeful
but no, not anymore.

Just Another Rainy Day

I'm liking the weather recently. Chilly, without being too cold; wet, without being too rainy. It's giving me the sniffles, but I'll live.

Done with most of the projects I'm doing so I'm back to doing nothing. I could play Legend of Zelda, but I got irritated when my saved game was strangely deleted. I hate it, cos I was already halfway through. That was two weeks' worth of sleepless nights and uneaten lunches wasted. Boo.

I tried reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Collected Stories which a friend lent me, but I couldn't get past half the first story. Maybe I've gotten dull, or maybe it was too much for me, but thinking about an almost dead person talking about how dead he is in intricate detail was too off tangent for my little brain to comprehend.

So most of the times, I put the goddamned book down and end up sitting in front of lappie, opening and closing programs without really doing anything. My mind is restless and brimming with ideas, but I don't have the heart to get them written down.

Argh. I'm so undersexed.

Being Optimistic

Well, there's Carnivale's 2nd season to look forward to (even if HBO had it cancelled, boo). And maybe this event I made a poster for (although I don't think I'd be going). There's also the DSL connection we'll be getting pretty soon, hopefully. Annnnd, much as I hate to admit it, distance learning.

But right now, I just want breakfast. Life isn't such a mean old fart sometimes.

Again, A Call

I don't understand why I'm not dead. When your heart breaks, you should die.

-- Harper, from Angels in America

So for one moment, my whole world entirely, absolutely, and irrevocably believed in that one little line. I truly wondered why I was not dead yet. Ever since I was 15, I have a recurring idea that I would not live to see my next birthday.

Eight years after, I'm still here. Alive. Surprisingly healthy.

I still have that thought once in a while. Not as regular as before, but not as apocalyptic in its impression. It's not a secret that I think about suicide too, but, again, it's not something I blow my wad off from unlike then. All of it just seemed eventually routine. Big deal, so I'm going to die. Everybody does.

Problem is, I think it was my dreams which died on me. I have no ambition to speak of. No vision to look forward to. Hope... has become a mere mote of an idea. A theorem on books and songs. A habit. Like eating, like sleeping. Meaningless in its entirety.

And besides, no one cares as long as I PRETEND to be normal. And pretending is what I'm good at. I've lasted this long with people thinking I'm a normal and happy person. Some of them even KNOW I'm pretending, but it's OK, as long as they can still see I'm breathing. They can deal with that.

So right now, since I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to push me, what am I running on? Nothing. I'm a whole blank, black slate. Spiraling downwards, waiting for rock bottom.

Sometimes, for a few minutes, I would think that I'd do OK. That hey, maybe I'm just going about it all wrong. But no. Deep inside me I know. My very core beats with persistence that I AM GOING TO LOSE THIS FIGHT. That I shouldn't bother going on.

But still, I do. For reasons I don't know yet. And don't care to find out.