January. That's a laugh. As long as the cosmos doesn't throw something completely unexpected on my lap, I might not have the inclination to go back to work at all. A friend and I were talking about it a week ago. I told him I had no such desire to "enrich" myself further. The second I said it however, I realized how jaded that must have sounded, so I told him it wasn't at all because I was jaded. Rather, it felt as if I've had my fill with what life has to teach me. (Apologies if it reeked of pompous arrogance...)
But it was my mother, unexpectedly, who finally jolted my sensibilities. This morning as I was rummaging the ref for leftovers, she asked me when I was going to have my hair cut. I said not soon. Then she asked me if I inquired about that Open University thing yet. I said not yet. Soon. Then she told me when my siblings have their own jobs, they won't be taking care of me, and did I know that. I said yes, I know.
A few more seconds of rearranging food in each compartment and I had to give up. I closed the ref and looked at my mother doing the laundry. She was beautiful, and I love her dearly. She'd raised a fine son, and I wanted to tell her I'm fine and I'm content with what I have -- and am -- now.
Now most of the times I underestimate her, but the thing is I know she'd know right away what I was saying. I could tell her I'm contented. I could tell her I'm fine. But she'd see through the lie, I know it in my heart. She'd know what I was saying was really, I want to quit while I'm ahead.
If I had the guts, I would have told her I'm sorry, but I have no ambition to drive me further. I have no dreams to cling to, and I have no idea when I stopped dreaming. I go through life drifting through the energy of the people around me but that's it. I am, and always have been, the cosmos' ragdoll. Free to be thrown around to whatever corner of the universe it sees fit. I'm not happy -- I realize it comes at a higher cost than I'm willing to dish out -- but I'm not sad either. Right now, I'm just fine. Exhausted, but fine. And I wanted to die.
I opened the ref again to resume my eternal quest for morning nourishment. Nope. I wouldn't say something like that to my mother.
