Happy Birthday To Me

Yes, it's true. It really does feel like I'm seventeen again.

Me And My Problems

Done with Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Will be getting started with Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask later. Link is becoming a very significant figure in my life, it seems. Hell, I'm not complaining. I like guys with pointy ears.

Anyway, I'll get started on it after I sift through my mp3's and figure out which songs to delete. My hard drive is running out of space, and I can't be bothered to reformat and reinstall everything. I do have the time, but it would be too much of a hassle configuring everything all over again, what with the nice default programs that came with lappie over TWO YEARS AGO. Goodness, I love lappie, but lappie is getting old...

I guess I could uninstall Neverwinter Nights, but... but... but... I can't!

Sigh. My problems seem very comparable to world hunger, ne? :-P

Random Amusement

Since this afternoon, I have been laughing on and off at an average time of two minutes each laugh session. Why? Becase for some odd cosmic reason, I keep on remembering this person's silly impersonation of Susan Calo Medina.

Just wanted to share. :-P

Even The Blind Can Sense Light

Tonight, two friends almost at the same time told me they have found people whom a possibility of love is just around the bend.

Granted they're both very young (one is 19 and one is 17), I suppose we all know already that when it comes to love, age is at most a laughable issue. Although I still can't help thinking that these two friends of mine -- albeit very smart and more mature than most older people I know -- undeniably still have a lot of things to learn when it comes to such things as these.

Haha... I speak as if I'm an authority on love when truth is, I just derive all I know from stories I read, songs I hear, and people I see. If I were the one in their shoes, I would probably be just as, dare I say it, blinded as they are. And I probably wouldn't mind too. But since I'm someone else, since I'm just a casual observer, I suppose having an objective point of view on things helps keep it in perspective.

Nevertheless, I'll be lighting candles for both of them tonight. May they learn all the things they need to learn, and at the same time grow with the people they choose to be with. Blessed be.

And Then There Was Light

Two days! Two days without peaceful sleep but at last, I'm done! The new reincarnation of The White Room is now online! Whew. That was mighty cathartic.

Some technical notes. Most of the images are in PNG format, so loading time wouldn't be a problem. Except in maybe in Internet Explorer where it may refuse to display the transparencies correctly. I snuck in a javascript code to enable IE users to work with PNG transparency, but it's still prone to not working in some cases.

Also, some CSS elements may not display correctly in IE as well. Such as the flower image after every post. It should float to the left of my signature, but for some reason, IE displays it on top. Pfeh.

Oh, and I didn't like the idea of having the scrollbar on the left side of the content area, but I can't do anything about it now. I suppose I could flip the layout so the content would be on the right and the scrollbar would display better, but I'm too lazy to redo everything. Besides, it would mean re-measuring the positioning of the divs which I'm not about to do, obvs.

And speaking of the content area, at first I thought it was a good idea to enable overflow in the content div, but as I was working on stuffing everything in it, I found that it was very limited and obviously very constrained. Large-sized images would mess things up, as well as justified text and blockquotes. Not too serious of a problem, but it just won't be as pretty. :'(

Generally, I like how it turned out. Pasaway lang talaga ang IE. Go get Firefox, everyone!

Bughunting season is now open. If any of you guys find anything wrong with the site or if you have any suggestions, email it to me at youngurbanpsycho (at) gmail.com alright? It's vewy vewy important. Don't forget to include the browser you're using, your operating system, a screenshot if possible, your age, your complete stats, and a full body photo.

Just joshing. :-P

Weekend Wrap Up

Weekend was fine. As a matter of fact, things were quite toned down and easy to handle. Saturday afternoon, Harold dropped by cos he just got himself an iPod photo and he asked if I could share my mp3 library with him.

He brought with him Alanis' Jagged Little Pill Acoustic album which I wanted to copy so much, but my conscience got the better of me so I deleted it off my hard drive instead. In any case, all the songs were great revisited, and they stirred a familiar mood in me which remained untapped for years. You Ought To Know and Your House had particularly different charms this time around and I especially liked the little twist in Ironic, when Alanis shifted the last few lyrics a bit to "it's meeting the man of my dreams and I'm meeting his beautiful... husband." Panalo, diba? :-)

He also returned my Hard Boiled Wonderland and The End of the World book so now my Haruki Murakami collection is once again intact. So happy.

In the evening, I went to a college friend's boyfriend's birthday party at North Park in Glorietta. It was kinda eerie cos everyone was Chinese and I think only two of us were pure Filipino. I had my happy face on the whole time and I wasn't sure if it could hold up until the end of the night. Good thing it did so yay.

One of my friend's friend was really pretty tho. No, not just really pretty -- she was absolutely stunning. She was quiet all the time, speaking only when spoken to, and there were moments when it would seem like she was in a trance, but you could see the trace of intelligence and grace in her face. Her boyfriend is really lucky. I would have liked to talk with her more, but I was too torpe. Haha.

Sunday was the actual highlight of the weekend. It was spent with a friend walking to and from the endpoints of Ayala -- Greenbelt 1 and Ayala MRT -- just to find the cheapest copy of Adobe Creative Suite available.

Once that was accomplished, we decided to get blueberry cheesecake but all the branches of Red Ribbon in Ayala apparently weren't offering it as slices anymore. Not to be deterred, we zoomed over to Robinson's Manila, just to find out that our precious isn't offered there as well. We took it as a sign so we had dinner instead, Japanese food eliminating all traces of disappointment in a whiff.

At around 8PM, my friend suggested that we spend the rest of the evening inside UP Manila just to hang out and talk, so we did. He was telling all sorts of scary campus stories which at first I shrugged off, but eventually got to me. I admit, it was sort of fun tho. It's been a while since I had a good scare. :-P Anyway, at around 10:30, we decided to call it a night and to cap things off, he lent me DVDs of Schindler's List, Malena, Girl With A Pearl Earring, and Citizen Kane.

Perfect week for a movie marathon when I have the house all to myself and I can sob all I want. Hahaha... :-)

I Don't Get It

When has not having a job become so tiring? I'll tell you when. When I start accepting all kinds of projects from friends, that's when.

No no no no no. I'm not complaining at all. I'm actually seeing it as a happy problem. It may sound like I'm complaining (because that's what I do all the goddamned time), but really, this time nanlalambing lang ako.

Anyway, most of the things I landed on doing are graphics-related so that's a good thing. I can practice Photoshopping, and it gives me the chance to really improve my eye on design. I might, might, might even start poking my nose into film making. Hmmm.

It's helping me bounce back, and I'm determined to do my best. I can't say I'm really excellent at what I do, but I'm willing to learn! For reals! I'm lighting a candle for myself this time around. :-)

And Then He Left

The world was on fire

No one could save me but you.

Strange what desire will make foolish people do

I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you

-- Wicked Game, Chris Isaak

The situation was already shady the few weeks when we started talking. I was just too foolish not to heed the warnings the cosmos has been throwing into my face. What can I say? I was in love. I didn't doubt it for a second.

I still am, mind you. Otherwise, I wouldn't have let you go. It would have been a rather messy ride had I kept holding on.

So it was for that reason why I stopped. I figure it was going to be too much of a bloody mess to clean up, and I'm betting it's not going to be your blood on the floor.

And now I guess it's time for me to do what I do best -- move on. Which, I'm sure, you've already done the moment you smeared parts of my immaculate white room with the richest shades of red only you can exude.

I will light no candles for you, nor wish you good luck with your life. I'm sure one who has such brilliance as a star on the fringe of supernovaeing doesn't need the little light I can provide. I merely hope that at some point in your life, you will remember the little white room you visited, and the love you left behind.

Because by then most probably, I will not be there anymore.

This Is A Call

He tells everyone a story
because he feels his life is boring;
and he fights so you won't ignore him,
because that's his biggest fear.

And he cries, but you'll rarely see him do it.
He loves, but he's scared to use it.
So he hides behind the music
cause he likes it that way.

He knows
he's so much more than worthless,
he needs to find the surface
because he's starting to get nervous.

-- This Is A Call, by Thousand Foot Krutch

I was supposed to meet up with Oscar for the closing of the Pink Filmfest tonight in Gateway, Cubao. I got there around 6:15, out of breath and in the nick of time, but he's not there. I was greeted by one of his friends and he told me Oscar hasn't called in yet. So I called him up from my mobile and asked him what's up. He told me something came up at home, and he couldn't come in for at least an hour more. I said OK, hung up, and told Oscar's friend about it. Then he asked me which movie I wanted to watch and he'd get me in for free but I declined, told him I'd be meeting up a friend instead, and I'll just come back when Oscar gets there. (Besides, he scared me a lot. Ang taray ng itsura nya. His eyebrows were raised and I don't know if it's just me or if it has always been like that.)

I wasn't really meeting up a friend. And I wasn't really coming back. I should have felt angry, but I couldn't bring myself to be. No, it's not about Oscar being late. Well maybe a little but not really. As always I can't pin it down, where my emotions are coming from. I've stopped bothering to anyway, and I just give up to whatever it is I'm feeling and let myself go, quietly, no matter how irrational.

So I went home, took the MRT to Ayala and walked half-consciously the rest of the way. It wasn't until I was clear of the noise and the crowds and the lights of Greenbelt that I realized I was vainly stifling a cry. It was too much, that I had to slow down and stop walking and stop breathing. I inhaled deeply, and exhaled with chants of, "what's wrong with me, what's wrong with me...?"

I felt so ashamed. I have so much more going for me, so much more than what most people could ever want, but here I am in the middle of an empty parking lot on a Sunday night trying to swallow a demon caught in my throat. Each time, it's more painful, more intense. Each time, I would feel I have never felt more alone, more worthless, and more sad. It's still a mystery why I've lived this long.

Maybe it's because when I get home after such an ordeal, I just sleep it off. Which is what I did. And everytime I wake up, like right now, I just crumple the memory like so much paper and throw it in the garbage can that is my journal -- an action which makes me feel somewhat better, if only to get it down in words.

Until the next time I have to deal with it again, that is.

It's Not My Party But I'll Cry If I Want To

Can't sleep. Might as well go online again and type up what's keeping me awake.

Came home from Allan's party around 11:30 PM. It was really kinda early, but I felt I had to go home right away. There were a lot of people already by that time, and I'm deeply sorry to Allan, but seriously I needed to go home before my brain starts to hyperventilate.

Nevertheless, it was an enjoyable party. I got to see some people I haven't seen for a long time -- friends, people from work, people I don't think I'd ever see again, etcetera. The food was great, and I especially liked the olives in the spaghetti. My only regret was there wasn't any alcohol. Heh.

Overall tho, it was a nice get-together on a perfect Saturday evening. Wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Sooooooo... what's keeping me awake? I'm honestly not sure. Maybe it's not related to the party this evening, maybe it is. Maybe it's a lot of other things... Or on the other hand, maybe it's nothing. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. Should I make a list?

No... I'd rather not. I don't know.

What I DO know is I'm suddenly thirsty. I'm gonna go grab something to drink downstairs. Hopefully something with alcohol in it.

Y!M Conversation

While playing Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time, Barny hit me up with this question in Y!M:

barny: sigh
barny: p, are you happy?
barny: (this is me trying to be profound)
me: minsan
me: (this is me channeling vilma santos)

I'm not sure if it was Vilma Santos in Anak, or Bata Bata Pano Ka Ginawa. Basta, that scene was when she was having a conversation with Ariel Rivera. :-P

Poster Boy For The Seven Sins

I'm seriously doubting my humanity. I feel like I'm an incarnation of envy or sloth or selfishness. Seriously, this is not just some angst thing. I could undoubtedly be a poster boy for the Seven Sins. As in I have this honest to goodness, wham bang, in your face kids-be-good-or-else-you're-going-to -end-up-like-this-jerk vibe going on. Kinda like Jared Leto in Requiem for a Dream, only I don't need drugs to screw up my life. I just need to live it, and thud. Screwed.

Psychotherapy For Dummies

What kind of playlist does this make?

- Luha by Aegis
- Proud Mary by Tina Turner
- Tell Him by Barbra Streissand, Celine Dion
- Wannabe by Spice Girls
- Stop by Spice Girls
- Say You'll Be There by Spice Girls
- Isang Linggong Pag-Ibig by Imelda Papin
- Bituing Walang Ningning by Sharon Cuneta
- Sana'y Wala Nang Wakas by Sharon Cuneta, Cherie Gil, Dina Bonnevie

... and a large dish of other similarly campy songs. Some made campy just because... WE SANG THEM IN RECKLESS ABANDON IN VIDEOKE! Isn't it obvious me and my friends are in complete and utter misery?

BONUS! Running home under a very insistent storm capped the wonderful and motley evening, and I'm typing this up while dripping wet just because I'm still quite high from the experience.

This is cheap and very, very, VERY effective psychotherapy that's all I gotta say.

Just To Let People Who Hate Me Know

Dear Everyone I Hurt Or Upset In The Past Due To The Bad Decisions I Have Made,

You will all be happy to know that I have once again succeeded in making another Bad Decision and thus, shifting me in more miserable dimensions than I normally am coping with. The karmic retribution you have all been praying for is panning out real well, and it is evident through the strings of Bad Hair Days, nay, Bad Hair LIVES you have all voodooed me into having.

Currently, I remain in seclusion in my poorly-ventilated room with a whacked out electric fan and tick-infested bed. I do not go out except to occasionally feed on Yakisoba -- the only food I'm allowed to eat -- and pee and poop and shampoo and condition.

The only consolation I have is the Internet, but even that is also causing much misery because of the pain of having a slow dial-up connection.

Do not worry yourselves about me trying to escape my pseudo-radioactive prison, because I won't. I have finally accepted that the outside world is not for and does not want to have anything to do with me, and I shall remain a cyber hermit for the rest of my pretend-life. I will try my best not to bother anyone else, and I will keep my mutant power of Bad Decision Making in check at all times.

If, for any reason, you need consolation and reassurance of the sublimation of my evil deeds, just try to imagine how untamed my hair has become, and be at peace. Until such time that I will be forgiven (and I am willing to wait forever and for eternity) I am, and always will be,


In silence and solitude,
Podi Alejandro


PS: This much I dare confess... I have downloaded emulators and roms to lappie to keep me company, and to have somewhere to 'escape' to. Please don't think that this is my means to subvert your intentions. I assure you that I am still utterly and absolutely in misery, and I am playing Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time unwillingly with a walkthrough (gasp) to torture me with unending and merciless guilt.

PPS: And I still haven't had blueberry cheesecake.

Warning: Really Bratty Rant Ahead

I don't know what to say about the Pink Film Festival opening last night. On one hand it was OK. On the other, I kinda felt a bit bad about the whole affair (for purely childish and selfish reasons mostly, I admit).

Well for one thing (ok, this is where the actual brat-a-thon starts), no one wanted to go with me. And if they did, they cancelled at the last minute. So I ended up going by myself. Which brings me to another reason why I felt a bit bad:

I at least had (or more exactly, I thought I had) the consolation that I'd see Oscar there, and maybe get to be a sort of sidekick for him for the night. Just to have someone to be with, at least. But I guess I didn't think he'd be too busy with stuff, being the opening night and all... which of course, he was. So he just gave me my ticket and then I lined up with all the other ordinary people.

Imagine that. Me, The Web Guy, lining up with the ordinary people? But oh gosh, what was I thinking? That everyone would shower me with love and affection the moment I walk into the theater? People don't even know me. I don't even go to the office, and I just have the materials emailed to me! NO, I was just a brat. A brat in line with, in reality, people who are more fabulous than I am.*

Sigh. But I guess I could still be proud of myself. Not a peep from me the whole night. Nuh-uh. It was all good, and I took it like a mature person. That Claus person ought to have a big ass present ready for me on Christmas, that's all I gotta say. I just sat tight and watched the movie all quiet like. All the whining was kept inside, ready to be fired off like a time-release stink bomb the moment I get my hands on a keyboard. (Which, if it isn't too obvious yet, is what is actually taking place right now.)

ANYWAY, there was of course some good too. Like the previous post, I don't want to appear like such a complete arse and complain all the goddamned time. The movie more than made up for the bad vibes last night. I enjoyed it immensely, even though it was tad longer than what was normally more comfortable. Regardless, it was great. I came out of that theater with a smile in my face and a song in my heart. As a matter of fact -- oh holy hell, I can't keep this up anymore. IT DEPRESSED THE SHITLOAD OUTTA ME.

Yes it did, and it was still a good movie, but it depressed me to high heavens. And that's not the worst part. The worst part is I DON'T HAVE MONEY ANYMORE TO BUY BLUEBERRY CHEESECAKE FOR EVEN A FEW MINUTES OF COMFORT.

So imagine how my sanity is teetering on the dangerous edge right now. And imagine what one little sly nudge can do...




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[*] Admittedly more fluff than anything else, but still fabulous.**
[**] I am so evil.

I Hate Traveling And Oh Yeah, Save The Dolphins

Traveling, unlike most people, doesn't really get me all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I'd rather stay home, or, if I do go out, it would be at most walking distance -- and even then it still depends on my mood.

Spending four freaking hours inside a cramped bus does NOT even remotely come close my idea of spending a fan-fuckin-tastic summer vacation.

OK. I don't want to be a complete arse and have things end there. Sure, the trip was sort of fun too, and the beach wasn't all that bad. I mean, it wasn't nearly as nice as the beach we went to last year, but it was still ok. Plus, I got to eat all I want, so I'm not really one to complain, ne?

What disappointed me though, was I didn't find a spot in the beach where I could just relax. That was what I was looking forward to. That was what made me endure the hours long bus ride. But arriving there and not being able to release all the 'real world' tension jammed on my shoulders... well that just sucks.

I didn't bring lappie, but I did bring my sketchbook and pencil. I wanted to draw again, and I wanted to write-write again. But I didn't even get the chance to bring them out of my bag! The moment we got to our cottage, a lotta other people came pouring in and it was all just a mish mash of photo ops and sun block. I tried to walk around to find a nice and quiet spot, but the spot refuses to be found. I just gave up and joined the camera snapping bandwagon.

ANYWAY, one really good thing I liked about the trip was the marine animal show. It featured sea lions, dolphins, and pseudo orcas. At first I was apprehensive about the whole thing. I thought, OK, this was just another form of cruelty to the poor animals. Taking them away from their natural habitat just to have them caged and trained to perform in front of unworthy humans was something similar to plainly catching them for food.

However, the show was presented in a way that would educate the audience. These creatures, apart from being beautiful, are also very intelligent and very sensitive. (More than what I could speak of most humans I know, actually.) I honestly learned a lot, even if I can't remember them at the moment. Heh. :-P

What I DO remember, is that I almost (honest!!!) cried when the speaker talked about how a lot of the sea lions and dolphins and whales were being killed because of our own insensitivity and selfishness. For reals. We've got to admit that we ARE insensitive and selfish, especially to our animal brothers and sisters. We need to realize that we have a lot to learn from them too.

And I know this might sound absolutely corny and even a tad bit futile since OK, admit it, it's become a joke to most of the whole world... but still. The dolphins! Save them, please...