Call Me Sappy Because That's What I Am

What my mind was last night, was entirely made of the stuff which most probably are the same as the kind of chaos which permeated the universe before the world was created. I may always seem like a mass of incomprehensible nerves, but this was what was careening through the cosmos of my mind while I was quiet, or when you were talking, or behind what I was actually saying:

For someone who is disarmingly arrogant and formidable in character, thank you for letting me see your frailty. Thank you for trusting me, even though you know I may be teetering on the edge as well. You've always been brave, and I guess you were never afraid of falling off anyway.

Lying down in the dark, with my arms around you and your head resting on my chest, I feel like every light mote of thought in me would implode and initiate a new big bang. A feeling as intense like that is something I don't think one would be able to deny at all.

Look, I could go on and on describing every detail, every groove and curve, every prickle of emotion in me... but I don't think that would do justice to the intensity of what I'm really feeling for you. Let me go to you, let me hold on for a few moments longer. One lifetime may not be enough to show my appreciation for last night, but let me try. And if in the end, I would still not be able to satisfy you and you would want fly away to chase another dream, I will let you go just because that's what you really want.

I don't expect you to believe me, because what are words right? Just like what Alice said, "I can't do anything with your easy words." So please stay for a while. Collapse in my arms like you say you always want to do. Let me kiss you. That would be the time when you believe.

Third Person Therapy

Another one of my third-person entries. When I resigned from work, having moments to write these is one of the things I was looking forward to. Now that I'm in the actual moment... well... I don't know what to feel about it. Anyway.

--

i remember it well the first time that i saw
your head 'round the door 'cause mine stopped working
i remember it well there was wet in your hair
you were stood in the stair and time stopped moving
i want you here tonight i want you here
'cause i can't believe what i found
i want you here tonight want you here
nothing is taking me down

-- damien rice, i remember

Miguel didn't want to be disturbed. Not that anybody will be disturbing him. He lived alone in his apartment. But the point is, he was very particular about that detail whenever he was painting.

Thing is, he's been locked up for three days already. Falling asleep on the couch while looking at a line on his canvass, thinking if it was done correctly and if it were in the proper place, or studying a particular shade of color. Darker... lighter... he's not sure, really. His eyes have been starting to lose their focus.

As with men obsessed, he forgets about the normal things people should be doing -- eating, bathing -- that even his cat was staying quite some distance from him just to avoid inadvertently coughing out premature hairballs. It wasn't very comfortable, it figured.

Miguel didn't mind though. He continued what he was doing and would not let himself be disturbed.

See, there is an actual story behind this. It just seems a little in excess for simple words to be expressed. Miguel's mind was a trainwreck, and it seems he'd just gotten wind that he was still alive, getting up from the devastation, wondering where he was.

And as a matter of fact, that was the first thing he asked waking up three days ago, the morning when Daniel said he would be leaving. "Where am I?" He said muffled through a tangle of sheets and pillows.

"You're impossible, Migs." Said a voice from the other side of the room. Solid, distinct, possibly awake and real. "Only two shots of tequila last night, and already you forget? You have it easy."

Miguel refused to be intimidated. He doesn't easily get surprised anyway -- always one step ahead -- which he's quite proud of. So instead of looking to where the voice came from, he closed his eyes and he tried to focus.

OK, he thought. The voice, familiar... Daniel. The smell, coffee... my room. Last night, party... downstairs. Me, bedsheets... naked. Hmm. That was easy.

So he opened his eyes again and reached out to where he remembered his underwear was. Sure enough, he found it, and put it on before standing up, taking his time. But his heart wasn't as easy to control as his body. He found himself talking. "You know I have nothing to apologize about, Daniel."

"No," Daniel said. Almost immediately, as if he was already expecting Miguel to say something like that. "No, Migs. You don't need to apologize. There's nothing to forgive, and anyway... I'm going."

"If you wanted to go, you could have done so without waiting for me to wake up."

Miguel heard a click, and the sounds from outside his room were silenced. He still hasn't looked at where Daniel was. Now he figured he was standing by the window. He closed his eyes and imagined Daniel by the window without a his top on. The voice in his head was saying, Get up, Migs. Go to him. Give him a hug. You don't need a sledgehammer to your brain to realize how badly you hurt him.

"You're right. I could have gone. But I wanted to talk to you. You know that, don't you? We have a lot to talk about. A lot to catch up on. We had so many years between us and it led up to what happened last night, right Migs? I wanted to wait for you. I wanted to stay, Migs."

Miguel could hear Daniel's voice trembling. He was ready for this, he could tell. And he's right. All those years kept inside him are all ready to spill out now. Just like last night, when he felt Daniel's cum spill out onto his things, his side, up to his chest. Years pent up, all let loose last night by a smile, a snide remark, and a bottle of tequila. It was a headache thinking about in such silence.

He felt Daniel rustle up to the bed and lay down beside him. He turned to look. Daniel's been crying. Miguel couldn't help it. "I... I'm sorry..."

Daniel let out a chuckle. "I thought you said there were no apologies."

So Miguel shut up. "No. You're right. No apologies." And he let himself be hugged by Daniel.

"But I still have to go soon Migs."

"No, you don't. We can leave. I have a friend in Davao. We can stay with him for a while. Until..."

"You were planning this weren't you?"

Miguel didn't like it when people could read his mind, but this was Daniel. He couldn't help being transparent when he was around him. The feeling was very disconcerting, but at the same time, it felt warm to be naked beside someone. So to speak. He pulled Daniel closer for tighter hug. "Mm. I was."

Daniel kissed Miguel's chest and inhaled. "Jerk. I can't just up and leave."

"I know. I know you can't. You're too nice. Too straight laced. You refuse something like... like love to sway you from the duties you think you have to perform."

"Love. You think you know love, Migs? You think just because you're an artist, just because you paint and you have command of the colors, you know what love is? Love is just a color, Migs. It's just red. The color of blood and heat and sex."

"Why Daniel? Can't you admit that you love me?"

"You arrogant bastard. Of course I love you. That's why I want to stay and make love with you like forest fires and raging, melting polar ice caps. I want to stay with you here forever Migs."

"So stay."

"No. I love you Migs. But I can't be happy with you."

"How can you say that? I'm happy with you right now."

"It doesn't follow. Things are not supposed to be like this. I know. And I know you know too."

Miguel kept quiet. Not because he didn't have anything to say. On the contrary, what he wanted to do was shake Daniel to his senses and make him realize that he wants him to stay, that no matter what, even if he becomes miserable, he only wanted Daniel to be beside him because that's what he knows love is. That's what he believes in.

But Miguel is quiet not because of that. He was quiet because he was considering what Daniel told him. It was always like this with Daniel. Play it his way. Organize your thoughts first. Make sure what you're going to say is well thought of or Daniel will not accept it. Even though he knows Daniel would leave him in any case.

So yes, Miguel knows what happened between them has been just a cruel trick of fate. It was just something to seal what they had between them. Miguel realized the necessity of its occurrence. That should be enough for him to move on. But he feels he needs to save it, with one more weak attempt... "But I love you, Daniel..."

"I know," and Daniel pulled himself from Miguel and got up. He started getting dressed, seemingly not worried at all if Miguel would stop him or not. Which, Miguel doesn't. "I have to go Migs. Your sister's waiting for me at home."

"Oh. Is that today?"

"Yes, oh. It's today." And as an afterthought before buttoning up his polo, "... and I'd appreciate it if I didn't see you there. I'm sorry, it would be too... you know."

Miguel stood up and helped Daniel with his shirt. It just felt natural to do that. Domestic. He let out a harmless chuckle. "Hey, it's my sister's wedding too you know. I'm expected to be there."

"But your father hates you."

"But I love you."

"That too," Daniel said with a smirk.

"Shut up," and Miguel felt like college again. The two of them in the room, joking around, enjoying being kids, and enjoying each other's way of reading their minds. It was a different kind of high, having someone finish your sentences for you.

"So," Daniel turned around and looked at Miguel.

"So."

"How do I look?"

"Like someone who didn't get fucked in the ass twice -- no, thrice -- the night before."

A smile. And then, "Goodbye, Migs."

So the smile was returned, and the door was closed.

Miguel turned around, and noticed a piece of paper on the window sill, being held down by a book. It was a note from Daniel.

"I was serious when I said for you not to go. It's not as if you can follow anyway. I lied when I said Annie and I were getting married today. Truth is, we're leaving the country. We've been planning it for some time now. Our flight is at 10AM. I can't see you again Miguel. And if I do, I will pretend I don't know you. You know I'm capable of that. You changed me, and allowed me to be cold. I thought something died in me last night, and you know what? I realized something did. I can't be happy with you Miguel. Not with you in your own little world. I can't be pulled into that direction. Not even if I love you so much, so much like supernovas and big bangs and forest fires and trainwrecks. You changed me. I don't expect you to understand. I'm happy this way. That's how much I love you. Good bye."

Ode To A Cruel Lover

It was so easy to fall prey to the voices in ones head. Why shouldn't one believe them when they're coming from inside?

In a room of pure white, who wouldn't notice a red spot? It could have been in the furthest corners, but it has been throbbing like a captured, restless, and angered heart. And, unsurprisingly, it demands attention like tribal drums for a god of war.

In a space where 'Here' is meaningless; in a time where 'Now' doesn't exist... what is there left to hope for, but 'Me' and 'You'?

Still I will not regret, and still I hope for release. No future, no past, no words... No words will ever suffice the way you had captivated me and laid claim to my room of white. I could try a few such as 'silent,' 'sublime,' and 'complete,' but in all honesty, they don't give justice on how cunningly you did so exactly.

And finally, I will not forget that the heart beating is only red because of the blood that you -- inexorably, inevitably -- drew from it.

I would tell you that you don't have to apologize (and I would find out much later that you don't anyway) since ultimately, you've done nothing wrong. Nothing, that is, apart from shattering me into a million pieces.

Kids Do The Darnedest Things

Only one type of person can be both rude and funny at the same time and in one quick moment. A Kid. Capital K. And I met up with one this evening. Sunday night, of all nights. My favorite night of the week.

My usual Sunday routine would be either to watch a movie if there's anything good, or just walk around the metro, taking in the Sunday evening silence of Makati CBD. This evening tho, I felt like having company so I asked this one person I've been talking with online if he wanted to watch a movie with me. He said sure, and after deciding on how we would go about meeting each other, it was set.

So anyway, we met up around thirty minutes before the screening time of the movie. When we did get to meet, I was mildly suprised since there was this Kid standing in front of me. I mean ok, he was 18 but the aura I was getting from him was that of a... 10 year old. It was very uncomfortable to say the least.

Only a split second with him and it was enough to say this Kid doesn't like me at all. Despite that, I still tried to make small talk while going up to the cinemas. He would answer with a nod or a shake of his head with any question I asked, even if it's not a yes-no question. I was getting irritated, but it was Sunday! I don't want to ruin my Sunday evening.

So we got to the ticket booth and lined up. I bought my ticket and when it was his turn, he hesitated awkwardly and he pulled away from the line. He told me he wanted to buy food first. So fine, we went to Wendy's and lined up. By that time I'd given up talking with him so we were silent as heck. He asked me if I was getting something, and I answered no. Then he was stammerring, saying he needed change for his money or something like that. I thought that was ridiculous since I'm sure whatever sort of money he had, the cashier would have change. We were in Glorietta for fuck's sake. But I was nice so I let it slide and instead of stepping on his foot and poking his eyes, I offered to pay for the tickets and told him he could just pay me afterwards, but he shook his head no.

This time I could feel -- and it was obvious -- something was off. After a few seconds of staring at him, I could almost hear the gears on his brain trying to churn up an excuse to walk away. Being the gentleman I was brought up to be, I offered help. "Listen..." I began to say, phrasing a sentence to make it sound like getting rid of me was not such a bad thing. But he cut me off. He said he's just going to see a friend at U and ask if he could get change from him, and he asked me to remain where I was and wait. Before I even got the chance to respond, he was running, literally running off to the entrance at U. The only thing I managed to do was raise an eyebrow and chuckle. What the hell? Apparently, he already thought getting rid of me was indeed not such a bad thing.

Well I didn't bother waiting. I walked to the cinema thinking, how rude. But then I remembered he's a kid. My brain was telling me the situation was supposed to be funny, and that's what kids do anyway so I had to be more patient and more open minded with the situation.

Is that right? Do I have to put up with it just because? I was just suddenly tired and weary. I was thinking throughout the movie, if most kids are just like the one I met... then oh my god. This world's got a lot of learning to catch up on. Most of all, this world needs a personality. Specially the Kids.

Sigh.

On the other hand, I think it's my hair. I knew I should have had my hair done. Tsk. Hehe... :)

An Elaborate Thank You

You know, I feel like I'm such a normal person when I'm around you. I don't know if I should be grateful since it always feels so disconcerting, but I'm going to thank you anyway.

I like it that you don't take me seriously when I joke about liking you. Or like yesterday when I said I miss the smell of the cologne you usually wear. (I may say things like that out of the blue, but I was listening to you the whole time I swear. And I can tell how much you missed Mississauga and one person in particular too. See, I was listening.)

You might or might not have noticed, but I was wearing my shades the whole time we were together because you were also wearing yours. I thought it was unfair that I'm not able to see your eyes, so I covered up mine. Even if I'm hopelessly nearsighted and I was bumping into people left and right.

I hated it that you left early when we just got to Robinson's Galleria, but I thought it was cute when you lit up the moment I told you I'd accompany you going there. At least I got to be on a bus ride with you.

I know, I know. It's odd, me talking about you like this. I admit, I feel a bit odd myself. But see, it's always a big deal for me during the rare times I feel like I'm a normal human being... And I guess I just wanted to say thank you.

PS: You're getting fat. :P

The Trouble With Internet Exploder

I woke up around thirty minutes ago. This is getting to be quite a pleasant habit, sleeping and waking up early. I feel healthier, even if I just stay in front of the computer all day.

Speaking of which, since the other day, I've been working on the new layout for my bloggie. It didn't turn out quite exactly how I wanted it to, but I still like it. Browser compatibility kills, and I'm hating on Internet Exploder right now for being such a stubborn little browser. I had to take on a crash course on CSS Hacks yesterday afternoon just to fix some bugs. My coding must look ugly as hell right now. Good thing it all worked out fine. I really do need formal training if I want to conform to web standards. (I still haven't tested on Opera tho, as well as Macintosh. Let's hope my site displays fine there as well or I swear I'd faint.)

Anyway, in other news, I'm selling my phone. Since I don't have work anymore, I'd be needing all the help I can get. So therefore, I'm making my almost brand-spankin' new 6260 available to the world! Current market price says it's at P17k. Bah. Well, I can work with that. Hit me at the contacts listed on the sidebar if anyone's interested, mm~kay?

My Gift To The Graduates

I was writing a speech which my mother had to present for her school's graduation ceremonies. It turned out quite odd, because I think I subconsciously injected some of my personal rantings in. Although I was careful to buffer some of the negative points, it was still tangibly... negative.

What I imagine I did was to romanticize the whole thing with having every point revolve around a certain topic -- dreams, to be exact -- and present it in a way that could, if not would, make a mark in the students.

Let's just hope my mother doesn't warp it in some weird ass way by missing a word or improperly delivering it. Heh. I should be there when she does it and give coaching tips. In fact, I'm almost tempted to do the speech myself. Hahahahaha! Whatevs.

My Last Email

Hello Sir Mike,

First off, I feel I should apologize. For what exactly, I don't know. Anyway, I guess it should only be proper that I send my last email to the supervisor I have had in my almost 7-month stay with the company.

I submitted my letter of resignation a week ago, and I know I still have a few more weeks before its date of effectivity, but, as with most things, plans don't always turn out the way we expect them to. My current situation does not allow me to stretch my stay much longer. I know I owe an explanation, but again, as with most things, it's really very complicated. But since you have been really good to me, I'll try to make it simple. LOL. :-)

As you know, I have not graduated from college, and related to this, I have not been a very... conventional student my whole life. I will always find something to make the things I'm doing more parallel to my ideals rather than me adapting to them. Sometimes this proves to be effective and it works to my advantage, but most of the times it doesn't work out and I just come off as a selfish and arrogant son of a bee-yotch. LOL.

Anyway, bearing that kind of psyche, I know I shouldn't be expecting to fit in just anywhere. And so it happened that I was always looking for somewhere I could hang out and kill time until the next milestone in my life comes along. I would take on sidelines such as designing websites for some friends, writing articles for such and such underground publications, participating in so and so causes... Things which, although worthwhile to a point, merely provide a temporary recluse from 'the real world.'

And then come call centers. A few friends suggested I try it out, since it should be something very easy for me. So I decided to apply here since I know some people anyway. Two weeks after passing my resume, I was accepted and I was merrily on my way to another one of my would-be temporary hangouts.

So for six months, that's what I did basically. Hanging out. And being in E-Support helped a lot in pursuing that course. I liked what I was doing, since I was writing and not dealing with actual people (and contrary to what I mentioned during my interview, I'm not exactly a 'people person'), and the whole team was really great! In my mind I was content and really happy, but underneath it all, I have a suspicious feeling all of this wouldn't last. I know the universe would not allow it. It's not possible for someone to be happy this easily. In my mind, I thought I was cheating happiness.

And so finally the universe dealt me its mortal blow. I got transferred to Web Hosting, and suddenly I was not hanging out anymore. This was getting really serious, and if there's one thing in life I'm afraid of aside from reptiles and amphibians and creepy crawly things, it's getting serious. Nevertheless, I still tried to claw for whatever silver lining I could get my grubby little hands on. I did my best during training, and I tried to at least pretend to sound sincere when talking on the phone. I guess it was a bit successful since people were telling me I was doing well. I was actually kicking and screaming inside. I tried shushing it down, but it won't work. It was really getting serious, and I knew then I had to leave. So I did.

So this letter I wrung out from my brain was conceived. I need another break, and another place I could hang out in, and I know all of what I just said is not easy to understand (my mother even told me once, 'anak, ang weird mo'), but I still appreciate everything you have done as my supervisor. Although I do admit, I have met the most interesting personlities in my life within the motley crew of E-Support. That includes you, Sir Mike, and don't try to hide it. LOL. I'm going to miss you all. :-)



All the best,

Podi Alejandro

In other news, my father doesn't seem to be pleased with the idea, obvs. It's been a long time since he's spoken with me, and I'm not about to put up with it. NOT AGAIN, please. I hope he gets off my case. He knows there's no sense trying to fight through the bad blood between us. It's just really futile. We're just not listening to each other, we don't see eye to eye, we never understand one another, and it always ends up messy. It's been over twenty years. NOT AGAIN.

Wonderful Little Secret

Yesterday was wonderful. I'm not really sure how to describe it. I'm not even sure if 'wonderful' is the correct word. I was hypersensitive to everything around me, like I had just finished drinking a couple bottles of beer and I was walking underwater.

It's difficult to describe, especially when I'm reading a particularly good part in the book I had with me, or if a good song suddenly comes up. I'd let no more than a chuckle escape, even if what I really wanted to do was snivel in my chair or sing out loud while walking.

I like it when I chuckle. People look sometimes, they must think I know something they don't. That I have this little secret. I guess I do. It was like that all day... from 10AM till 1AM, just me and the little secret I have for company, and it was wonderful.

Interesting Conversation

... She watched the rising smoke for a while, thinking. "I guess I've been waiting so long I'm looking for perfection. That makes it tough."

"Waiting for the perfect love?"

"No, even I know better than that. I'm looking for selfishness. Perfect selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortbread. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortbread out to me. And I say I don't want it anymore and throw it out the window. That's what I'm looking for."

"I'm not sure that has anything to do with love." I said with some amazement.

"It does," she said. "You just don't know it. There are times in a girl's life when things like that are incredibly important."

"Things like throwing strawberry shortbread out of the window?"

"Exactly. And when I do it, I want the man to apologize to me. 'Now see Midori. What a fool I've been! I should have known that you would lose your desire for strawberry shortbread. I have all the intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit. To make it up to you, I'll go out and buy you something else. What would you like? Chocolate mousse? Cheesecake?'"

"So then what?"

"So then I'd give him all the love he deserves for what he's done."

"Sounds crazy to me."

"Well, to me, that's what love is. Not that anyone can understand me though." Midori gave her head a little shake against my shoulder. "For a certain kind of person, love begins with something tiny or silly. From something like that or it doesn't begin at all."


(Conversation between Toru and Midori; excerpt from Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood.)