Sunny Day Sweeping The Clouds Away

so yeah i'm still awake. iTunes still doing the dj work on my mp3's and pillows being shifted here and there on the bed. i'm definitely going to hear it from bug later. heh. it's ok. s'been a long time since i had breakfast anyways. eggs, sinangag, and the sweetest, blackest black coffee in my mug.

i'm looking out my window now. sunny day. too bad my view of the morning skyline's been blocked by the neighbor's new house. sad, that. all i can see now are bricks, giving it the feel of a hot, hot south american ghetto.

roosters have been saying their good mornings since 5AM. i yawn my greeting back. my eyes shift to the little calendar on the bed (where did that come from?) and i see it's monday. garfield's least favorite day. even tori amos sang a song about it. can't help wondering what the day holds.

am i sounding a bit melancholic? maybe. maybe sedate. maybe it's the music. i don't know. fact: i know the sun is shining. fact: the sky be bluer than blue (even tho i'm not seeing it right now). and fact: i'm feeling a tingle all over. is it the caffeine? i hope so. i hope not.

so facts are, it's sunny, the sky is blue, and i have a tingle all over my body. sounds melancholic? i hope not. :)

I'm Still Awake Because...

... i've been thinking. (random things like the heart of saturday night, getting a job, the leap!unan layout, going back to school, not going back to school, hustling for money.)

... i've been absent-mindedly combing my hair for the past (one, two, three...) four hours. (because i remember seeing something from tv combing your hair 100 times releases its natural oils or something. i believe tv. plus it's a sedate way of releasing tension, combing. it has the sensation of pulling out your hair, but you get beautiful in the process.)

... my sister was online until 2AM i think. (wench.)

... i watched the first part of won bin's movie, friends. (the girl was very pretty too. wow. i swear my heart leaps genkily everytime either of them is on screen.)

... i've been downloading loadsa wallpapers from deviantart.com again. (my dwindling hard drive space screams for me to stop.)

... i'm hungry but too lazy to go down and forage for food. (mm. yakisoba...)

... i've been reading random blogs. (and i found some interesting ones too.)

--

right now i'm still kind of hungry and i'm thinking whether i should still sleep or not. bug will kill me if he finds out, and i've been swimming in his ocean of patience far too long.

still. i am the god of my universe at 4 in the morning. and i have a lot of things to think about. places to go, people to see. dreams to destroy.

Prelude To Dreaming

lightning crackles
like flame over a distant heart.
it doesn't seem as vulnerable
as your eyes looking at me,
hot as melted steel.
"what are you reading?"
you ask,
nonchalant,
as if rain clouds don't matter much.
(not as much as what i'm reading,
which i forgot
as soon as you came into the room.)
so i put it down and turn to you,
pull you to me for a kiss.
it could be lightning,
it could be flame.
don't believe me when i say i love you.
because who knows what i could say
when i look into those eyes of yours?
look into mine when i say nothing.
and that's when you believe.

Homo Say Wha?

taken from GoodQuotes at Bored.com. goodness, the truth indeed is funnier and scarier and stranger than fiction...

--

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach

"I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada."
- Britney Spears, Pop Singer

"Most cars on our roads have only one occupant, usually the driver."
- Carol Malia, BBC Anchorwoman

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."
- Dwight Eisenhower

"Boxing’s all about getting the job done as quickly as possible, whether it takes 10 or 15 or 20 rounds."
- Frank Bruno, Boxer

"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel

"I don't want to ever, ever do something in life that isn't fun. Ever."
- Jennifer Love Hewitt, Actress, in the February Cosmopolitan.

"I have a God-given talent. I got it from my dad."
- Julian Wakefield, Missouri basketball player

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"If only faces could talk..."
- Pat Summerall, Sportscaster, during the Super Bowl

--

this is why i don't ever want to be famous. one mistake and your ass is online, winking hole and all. (shivers) disturbing thought, that. i'm going now. heh.

Today At 7AM

... but then again, the early worm gets eaten.

--

my sister was online all night. she said she was doing homework but when i sneaked a look-see behind her, what do i find on the screen? not porn. worse. HER BOYFRIEND'S BLOG! well, i don't know if he's her boyfriend exactly, but i know they're really close. hmpf. homework my smelly corn-infested foot.

yan tuloy. i wasn't able to do my bedtime prayers.

--

bug sent me piccies of our fish. hehe... his/her name is Chi and s/he's the horniest flowerhorn ever.

and according to bug, Chi eats a lot, just like me. awwww man.

This & Thats

hmm.

naco-cornyhan ako sa ginawa kong layout for LeAP! Inc. it looks like a peppermint circus. but those were the colors they wanted, and i'm not exactly a rembrandt when it comes to webpage layouts. i just fart out the first design that pops into mind and do a bit of this and thats. heh.

(a few minutes of staring into the screen after...)

hmm... i'm kinda liking it now. i guess it's an acquired taste. nyar har.

--

in other news, i'm still one of the losers who haven't watched spiderman 2. huhuhuhu... i can point my finger to bug for that. now i'm not the people person between the two of us, but he's the one who said he didn't want to watch it during the first few days because of the crowds.

pero ok lang. when we do get to watch it, i'll force him to go to makati. ha-ha-ha-HAH!

The Morning Song

i have a memory. it hasn't happened yet, but i remember it quite clearly. i was cleaning out my room last night of old tapes and one of the albums i found was jewel's "pieces of you." there was one particular song which evoked this nonexistent memory of waking up one morning...

--

... let the phone ring,
let's go back to sleep.
let the world spin outside out door,
you're the only one that I wanna see.

tell your boss you're sick, hurry,
get back in I'm getting cold.
get over here and warm my hands up,
boy, it's you they long to hold.

and stop thinking about what your sister said.
stop worrying about it,
yes, the cat's already been fed.
come on darlin', let's go back to bed...

put the phone machine on hold.
leave the dishes in the sink.
do not answer the door...
it's you that I adore --
i'm gonna give you some more.

we'll sit on the front porch,
the sun can warm my feet.
you can drink you coffee with sugar and cream
i'll drink my decaf herbal tea.

pretend we're perfect strangers
and that we never met...
"my how you remind me of a man I used to sleep with,
that's a face I'd never forget."

you can be Henry Miller and I'll be Anais Nin.
but this time it'll be even better,
we'll stay together in the end.
come on darlin', let's go back to bed...

put the phone machine on hold.
leave the dishes in the sink.
do not answer the door.
it's you that I adore --
i'm gonna give you some more...

Of Old Tapes, And The Buchi Conspiracy

so i cleaned my room. and in some dusty corner, i found a red plastic bag and what do i see inside? my old casette tapes. amazing. amazing how fate reacts at lightning speed once you tempt it. just yesterday i promised myself to move on and not look back. sigh. well i might as well look. so i pushed aside the pile of somethings on the bed and started sorting through each one of the albums that i had. to say it brought back different memories would be inaccurate. it would be more accurate to say it brought back a lot of old and dusty emotions, mostly from highschool.

i saw "this fire" by paula cole again. i put it on my old radio casette player and listened to the familiar anger and loneliness in her voice. her songs "throwing stones" and "me" struck chords within which were already gathering dust for a long time.

i also found "boys for pele" by tori amos. i'd almost forgotten how i'd liked dancing to "little amsterdam" and shouting with gusto the phrase "starfucker just like my daddy" in the song "professional widow."

and then there was also my hole album, "celebrity skin." that was a classic. it reawakened my dream of being a rock star, getting rich, getting a massive drug/alcohol/sex problem, and spending a chunk of my money on therapy. heh.

there were many others. like little birds being freed from their plastic bag prison, emotions welled up in me like tears. heh. well it's nice to look back i guess. just don't stare.

besides, this is part of moving on. cleaning up and sweeping the floors. how would you be able to let someone in without tidying up first, right? so there.

it reminds me of my static website's theme, In This Distant Town. it's a song from cardcaptor sakura, and it talks about looking back at the memories one has gathered, and using them as strength to move on...


I loved that song on the old tape.
A few scratches, a faded title,
a blurry dawn.
And so, the day repeats itself
accompanied by a summer breeze.

In a corner of the familiar day-by-day routine,
I suddenly meet with loneliness.
I'll never forget how fast
I could kick the wind on my bike,
going however far I wanted.

(La la la la) I'll sing my song,
with my face toward the sky.
(La la la la) It's my life,
I'll walk on
using my own strength
to go forward along this endless road.

With so many crossroads I'm always lost,
but though sometimes I wander
and sometimes I fall off the path,
I'm living the present.

Clashing with others,
accepting others...
Even when I grow up
I'll never forget.

(La la la la) I'll sing my song,
with my face toward the sky.
(La la la la) It's my life,
I'll walk on.
It's something that's mine alone,
so I guess I can have
some confidence in myself.

In the town we were born in,
we dreamed. Everytime I'm crushed,
I remember that just like that song,
there's something I can do right now:
step forward, even if just a little.

(La la la la) I'll sing my song,
with my face toward the sky.
(La la la la) It's my life,
I'll walk on.

(La la la la) I'll sing my song,
with my face toward the sky.
(La la la la) It's my life,
I'll walk on, using my own strength
to go forward along this endless road..."


--

in other news, buchi festival tonight because i said so! had six of the little demon feed, yes, six like the number of satan. i'm high and i'm liking it. it's as if someone clicked a switch inside me and i felt powerful, like i could stop bullets just by raising my hand. i probably scared bug to death with my evil maniacal laughter reverberating all over chowking at edsa central. altho during my lucid intervals, i managed to squeak out a few words to him. "i... will understand... if you... want to... break up with me!"

right now i'm a bit calmed down already. i'm glad the effects wear off over time...

--

meanwhile, somewhere very few people in this world, or rather, this buchi-filled reality knows about, a phone rings, and a cursor on a computer screen blinks continuously, relentlessly. patiently... a man answers.

MAN (V.O.) Yeah.
Call trans opt: received. 2-19-96 13:24:18 REC:Log>
WOMAN (V.O.) Is everything in place?
MAN (V.O.) You aren't supposed to relieve me.
WOMAN (V.O.) I know but I felt like taking your shift.
Trace program: running.
MAN (V.O.) You like him don't you? You like watching him.
WOMAN (V.O.) Don't be ridiculous.
MAN (V.O.) We're gonna kill him. You understand that?
WOMAN (V.O.) Morpheus believes he is the one.
MAN (V.O.) Do you?
WOMAN (V.O.) Doesn't matter what I believe.
MAN (V.O.) You don't, do you?
Trace complete. Call origin: #312-555-0690
WOMAN (V.O.) Did you hear that?
MAN (V.O.) Hear what?
WOMAN (V.O.) Are you sure this line is clean?
MAN (V.O.) Yeah, course I'm sure.
WOMAN (V.O.) I better go.

--

There must have been something in one of those six buchis...

Cleaning Up The Closet

i want to remember this night, how i stayed up not doing anything, just watching the cursor blink for one and a half hours thinking of a google or two of sentimental ideas swimming back and forth in my brain.

i want to remember how nice this night has been, first working on the LeAP! website at hono'o-chan's office and then afterwards being with her and her fire bunny, watching them make lezzie goo-goo talk at the streets of makati while walking to dinner.

i want to remember how bug called me up, hearing the blinking neon colors in his voice, excitedly telling me he will be taking the job warner is offering him.

i want to remember how expensive food in dulcinea is, and also remember how i didn't mind because i was with good company, and besides, it has been such a long time since hono'o-chan and i got to walk together, albeit only for a few minutes.

i want to remember the feeling i had upon getting home, how my life has become so much different in a heartbeat. so very, very different.

even my room was different when i entered it and switched on the lights. the usual useless stacks of papers (syllabii, quizzes, finals, scratch papers, etc.) are still on the floor and on the tables and some are even still on the bed, yeah they still are, but looking at them now, it seemed that my life back then is now galaxies away. the things i have written, my old sketchbooks, the old and moldy projects scattered around... i feel all of the experiences i have had with them came full circle tonight when i put my bag down and sat on the edge of the bed.

"move on, pare," a friend used to say a lot. i never really understood that before. i mean, i thought i did. i thought that to move on, you just upped and left. leave everything behind, never look back. la bel homme sans regrets.

suffice it to say i was wrong. i never really got to move on then. i would hear a song, or i would read a poem, and i was back, nursing the wounds and scabs i've left behind. i could never have left them completely. where could i have moved on to? i had nothing to do and nowhere to go. they were all i had. they were all i was. they were me.

and now, remembering how nice this night has been, and realizing how different my life has become in a heartbeat, now i know i really have to move on. and i won't just up and leave this time. it's too anti-climactic, too pointless if i do. moving on this time needs a bit more of a care. (memories, like cookies, need love after all. heh.) this time i'm going to gather the papers together, sort them carefully, segregate them in piles and provide a plastic bag for each pile, put them neatly in a big black plastic bag, and tie it up nice and tight.

for each person who has been a major part of my life then, and who i know would have a slim possibility of being with me in the future, i give a knot. i'll remember the people i haven't seen for a long time (highschool people like cox and elmer and jonathan, and pex people like aajao and xochi and angelo), and the people i haven't seen at all (like mikey). the people i know i will miss (like allan and lenard and zsa zsa zaturnnah), and the people i will forget (like whatsisname). i'll remember the people i have loved and the people i still do. and i will tie one knot for each.

and afterwards, i would sit back and look at the cleaning i've done. my room is immaculate. fresh blood is pumping in the four chambers of my heart every second. a new blank thought forms itself in my brain even faster.

should i throw the big black plastic bag with elaborate knots outside of the house? or should i leave everything neatly placed in a corner in my room? i lie down, and with eyes caked with sleepiness, i look at it...

(yawn)

... i haven't decided yet...

Within The Silence

this is about me. this is about me and how i feel. about me and how i feel right here, right now. this is not about anyone else but me and how i feel. and this is also about me and how i love. this is not about who i love, because it really doesn't matter who, as long as i do. because this is just about me. and this is about how i feel right here, right now. which is love. and this is how i have loved. and how i do.

--

i have loved like tidal waves and forest fires. like earthquakes shaking the foundations of the earth and armies of black angels raining down like comets from the night sky. i have loved like waking up in mornings drenched in the sweat of nightmares and like falling to sleep in evenings huddled in despair. i have loved like oblivion, like the stuff god used to create the universe with. like insanity. like madness shaped and molded like clay to be given form like monuments of the Endless in Destiny's garden.

yes, i have loved with passion, without reason, with such blinding speed that it takes me but a flicker, a nanosecond to do something, regret it, and do it again without recurse or remorse. i have loved like bleeding on a white parchment, or crying silently in front of a crucifix.

i have loved different kinds of loves. kinds which one -- who was born in a hospital, went to a school and graduated, worked for a living, had a family, and died with a smile on one's face -- wouldn't even begin to understand. the kinds which have not been felt, but poets and artists have so longingly desired and written about, or sang about or painted about but they still wouldn't even have been able to perceive it perched on their necks like pendants on a chain. the kinds of love which do not begin with a smile or a sigh or a wistful look or even a gust of wind lost in its wanderings. the kinds which do not end with a good-bye or a tear or a period or a lightning separating the heavens in hemispheres and/or quadrants. different kinds of love.

but not one, never one such as this. where it is infinitely more silent than the stars glimmering in a windless night sky. where it is endlessly more patient than Death waiting for the universe to close its curtains. where it is eternally burning like the quiet glow in Desire's heart. never one as fierce as this calm i am in. right here. right now.

this calm. eerie. silent. subtle. i will be honest and say that i am afraid of this calm. that something old and ancient in me tugs at my heart. something persistent. something i am still not able to speak of, but still continue feeling, for good or otherwise.

this calm, this peace, this freedom that i have so recently acquainted myself with and have become so close with in such a short time compels me to protect it. this fragile thing which has alighted on my chest has spoken to me has made me its defender.

people have died for peace, for freedom. will i be able to do the same? will what i am feeling right here, right now, in my room, in this second be worth dying for?

i close my eyes and think. i close my eyes and think of the different kinds of love which have embedded themselves in me and etched their markings on my soul with the bleeding pulp of my heart for ink. i close my eyes and think -- no -- feel the rush i have felt, the madness i have endured, and now, the calm i am settled in. i close my eyes and felt these for a few moments minus eternity. and then i opened them again.

so it was that i closed my eyes and felt. so intense that if i had a sword, i would have drawn it from its sheath, pointed it to the skies, exhaled, and driven it to the ground. as above, so below, i shall protect this calm. this freedom. this love.

which is what i am feeling right here, right now, and from here on forth.