I'm starting to consider a life without the Internet. I feel cleaner and more free. I feel like I can be myself more, and not pretend to be someone else behind a handle. I can live an actual life again.
I honestly can't believe I'm saying this, but I suppose I'm better off this way. Of course I will still have to log on sometimes -- check emails, blog, and take in the occasional good shit, but maybe it would be better if I live off the real world for a while.
For now I am taking a deep bow and fading off into the background. No more lies, I promised. Let's see how the truth will shine from where I will be standing.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Jettisoned Into Space
I don't want to waste this feeling. These days it always seems like I have an elastic string tied around my waist, with the other end firmly attached to Earth.
Most days -- especially during work days -- I have my sensibilities (mostly) anchored to the ground. But there are rare times, like right now, when I feel as if I am suddenly launched high up into the air and jettisoned into space. When the last thing I want to do is something anticlimactic, like going home.
It's difficult to explain, really. Is it freedom? Is it being alive? Is it being real? I'm not exactly sure. It's hard to keep focus when the entire universe is rushing like a runaway train before my eyes. All I know is I should keep up before the noise dies down.
Most days -- especially during work days -- I have my sensibilities (mostly) anchored to the ground. But there are rare times, like right now, when I feel as if I am suddenly launched high up into the air and jettisoned into space. When the last thing I want to do is something anticlimactic, like going home.
It's difficult to explain, really. Is it freedom? Is it being alive? Is it being real? I'm not exactly sure. It's hard to keep focus when the entire universe is rushing like a runaway train before my eyes. All I know is I should keep up before the noise dies down.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Something To Break
The last hour of the shift always puts me on edge. On one hand it's such a relief knowing I've survived one more day without ever shedding blood, but on the other hand it seems like this is where all the dormant stress-inducers suddenly pounce at me and bite me in the ass.
I can understand that it's most probably because of the fact that 10:30 PM here is 8:30 AM CST -- the time when most of our customers are alive and all cranked up when composing their lovely, lovely emails for us. Add to that the all too often misplaced eagerness of the agents to go home and not wanting to think anymore, it all sums up to quite a gut-wrenching 59 minutes, with me conveniently at the receiving end of the spectrum.
Never mind that I still have reports to finish before the hour is up, people will still indiscriminately shout my name from the other end of the room just to ask about a very simple problem we have been talking about again and again and again which, for some undecipherable reason, does not stick to whatever goo replaced their brains with! Do they not see it?! DO THEY NOT SEE IT?!?!
[Insert unintelligible shrieks of frustration here.]
In fairness, I still manage to give my BEST smile and offer the highest level of assistance to anyone who may ask it of me AND finish my reports on time to boot.
But oh goddess, I need something smashed at the end of the day. Please.
I can understand that it's most probably because of the fact that 10:30 PM here is 8:30 AM CST -- the time when most of our customers are alive and all cranked up when composing their lovely, lovely emails for us. Add to that the all too often misplaced eagerness of the agents to go home and not wanting to think anymore, it all sums up to quite a gut-wrenching 59 minutes, with me conveniently at the receiving end of the spectrum.
Never mind that I still have reports to finish before the hour is up, people will still indiscriminately shout my name from the other end of the room just to ask about a very simple problem we have been talking about again and again and again which, for some undecipherable reason, does not stick to whatever goo replaced their brains with! Do they not see it?! DO THEY NOT SEE IT?!?!
[Insert unintelligible shrieks of frustration here.]
In fairness, I still manage to give my BEST smile and offer the highest level of assistance to anyone who may ask it of me AND finish my reports on time to boot.
But oh goddess, I need something smashed at the end of the day. Please.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Weight
Its weight is unimaginable. The absence of knowing ones purpose is a burden so great, that its ability to incapacitate a life rivals even that of hopelessness.
And while I refuse to give in -- while I refuse to let my sensibilities cave in -- I am begging the cosmos not to push me any further. Because all it takes is one little nudge. Consider this a warning.
And while I refuse to give in -- while I refuse to let my sensibilities cave in -- I am begging the cosmos not to push me any further. Because all it takes is one little nudge. Consider this a warning.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Another OGT Surfaces
I was never hooked in this century's torrent of "reality" show hype, nor have I been interested in knowing the first thing about designing clothes (and in the rare times that I have, I -- as with most things in my life -- just wing it), but for some weird reason, I am this close to being addicted to Project Runway.
Oh wait. It's not that weird. I forget. I'm GAY. Whew. For a minute there I thought I just really liked Tim Gunn*.
Yes, there may be times when I am accused of having a stray sense of cultural identity, but having an affinity for all things beautiful and instrinsically bitchy shouldn't disturb me.
__________
[*] I do.
Oh wait. It's not that weird. I forget. I'm GAY. Whew. For a minute there I thought I just really liked Tim Gunn*.
Yes, there may be times when I am accused of having a stray sense of cultural identity, but having an affinity for all things beautiful and instrinsically bitchy shouldn't disturb me.
__________
[*] I do.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
The Unravelling
This is not the life you're supposed to be living, Podi. Whose life is this? This isn't yours. Whose dreams are you living? Whose clothes are you wearing? This isn't your dream. This life isn't yours. This isn't you.
Who are you?
Whoever you are, you're feeling it, aren't you? You're wondering, is it just beginning? Or has it always been there? This life you're in -- this pseudo reality -- it's starting to unravel. Like loose threads of an old skein, your life is slipping through your fingers.
Sure you're holding everything together now. And maybe you can keep yourself intact. But for how long?
I can hear you breathing, Podi. I can feel your doubt. No more lies, you said. No more lies. Riddle me this, riddle me that.
What are you going to do Podi? Where are you going? Who are you?
Who are you?
Whoever you are, you're feeling it, aren't you? You're wondering, is it just beginning? Or has it always been there? This life you're in -- this pseudo reality -- it's starting to unravel. Like loose threads of an old skein, your life is slipping through your fingers.
Sure you're holding everything together now. And maybe you can keep yourself intact. But for how long?
I can hear you breathing, Podi. I can feel your doubt. No more lies, you said. No more lies. Riddle me this, riddle me that.
What are you going to do Podi? Where are you going? Who are you?
Monday, February 27, 2006
Pride Rock
I honestly just want to get along with people. Honestly. I don't even want people to like me. Just, "Hey look, it's Podi," and then they'd get on with their lives. I don't want to aggravate anyone or make anyone think that I'm trouble.
But there are certain times when I can't help being enraged -- either by something or by someone -- and let my emotions fly out like some hundred runaway kites in a Pacific thunderstorm.
This afternoon, I took one more victim. I didn't mean to. I was having an OK day -- planning on opening my own bank account (after 23 years, I know), buying a new book, and visiting a friend at the hospital. But there really are some people who, no matter how painfully I strive for cosmic harmony, just grate my nerves by merely expressing an iota of their existence in my life.
I look up to people for their skill, their individuality, their faith, their principle, among other things... but if I sense a trace of doubt -- if that person can't make me believe s/he is worth following -- even if it just barely hinted its existence within, then I apologize but my respect will waver.
I realize this is not necessarily a good thing on my part. And I understand I only see my side of things. But believe me when I say I know what I'm doing. I know in my heart I do. And I will not compromise my principles for anything. Especially not for someone like YOU.
But there are certain times when I can't help being enraged -- either by something or by someone -- and let my emotions fly out like some hundred runaway kites in a Pacific thunderstorm.
This afternoon, I took one more victim. I didn't mean to. I was having an OK day -- planning on opening my own bank account (after 23 years, I know), buying a new book, and visiting a friend at the hospital. But there really are some people who, no matter how painfully I strive for cosmic harmony, just grate my nerves by merely expressing an iota of their existence in my life.
I look up to people for their skill, their individuality, their faith, their principle, among other things... but if I sense a trace of doubt -- if that person can't make me believe s/he is worth following -- even if it just barely hinted its existence within, then I apologize but my respect will waver.
I realize this is not necessarily a good thing on my part. And I understand I only see my side of things. But believe me when I say I know what I'm doing. I know in my heart I do. And I will not compromise my principles for anything. Especially not for someone like YOU.
High on Diesel and Gasoline
The world could have ended. It could have exploded in so much cosmic dust floating in the wastelands of outer space. It could have fallen down the rabid hole and gone completely insane. I didn't care. I was drunk and high on chocolate and cherry-laced vodka. I have never felt more harmonized with the cosmos.
Who needs love? Give me a slammer anytime.
__________
PS: I visited my highschool last Friday by the way. It's very different now, but the memories I chose to leave there were still hanging about the empty spaces. So real and solid that the air seemed almost electric... dissonant... even terribly imposing. I wonder if the stuff I felt were just mine? Or if some belonged to other, lonelier kids who came after me?
Who needs love? Give me a slammer anytime.
__________
PS: I visited my highschool last Friday by the way. It's very different now, but the memories I chose to leave there were still hanging about the empty spaces. So real and solid that the air seemed almost electric... dissonant... even terribly imposing. I wonder if the stuff I felt were just mine? Or if some belonged to other, lonelier kids who came after me?
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A Little Instance of Love
So I got it on with lappie and a bag of chewy chocolate chip cookies yesterday and had my Annual Movie Marathon from late afternoon until midnight. Last year I watched the complete series of Angels in America, and Home at the End of the World. Yesterday, it was Lola + Bilidikid, Blue Citrus Hearts, and Torch Song Trilogy.
Suffice it to say I'm still feeling quite... raw from the emotional roller coaster ride watching the three movies gave me. But it was Valentine's after all. We have license to be reckless with our emotions and no one will question it, as opposed to any other day. Although I am, however, more inclined to believing a friend who said "we should celebrate love any day, for no particular reason -- not just for one day and because the whole world tells us to."
He's right of course. And, like a small candle within a cold, dark room, I hope that once in a while, people see that wee flicker of what we once want -- what we now have forgotten -- even just for a little while. Because like in the three movies I have just seen, a little while of love makes a world of difference to whole lot of lives.
Suffice it to say I'm still feeling quite... raw from the emotional roller coaster ride watching the three movies gave me. But it was Valentine's after all. We have license to be reckless with our emotions and no one will question it, as opposed to any other day. Although I am, however, more inclined to believing a friend who said "we should celebrate love any day, for no particular reason -- not just for one day and because the whole world tells us to."
He's right of course. And, like a small candle within a cold, dark room, I hope that once in a while, people see that wee flicker of what we once want -- what we now have forgotten -- even just for a little while. Because like in the three movies I have just seen, a little while of love makes a world of difference to whole lot of lives.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Idleness Is The Devil's Plaything
I have to say it's really a very stressful task keeping the sine waves of my life humming a constant, normal beat. I had no idea being cool and calm was this daunting and meticulous. Although I have to admit, I am liking the results; but sometimes it feels like I'm walking the plank -- a whole ocean of uncertainty ready to swallow me up with one small misstep, one missed heartbeat.
Yes, in part I'm talking about work. Work has been normal for the past month, and none of those dreadful thoughts of losing my job have been hovering over my head like a persistent black cloud. Even if there is still that possibility, I've learned to accept things the way they are and I'm feeling a little OK about the whole deal already. So no problems with that particular aspect of my life.
Another part -- one that's a bit harder to put up with -- is when I'm not working. When I'm not in the office. When I'm just here, in my room, with nothing to do. These are the moments I'm finding especially difficult to deal with. Why? Because in four words: It Makes Me Horny.
I hate it when I'm horny. The natural god-like shimmer about my person when I'm usually seen standing tall and proud? It disappears when I'm horny. Instead, my body feels like it's been caked with mud, and I am compelled to prostrate myself, sully myself even further because I deserve to be punished, debased, and humiliated -- the filthy person that I am.
Damn. See what I mean? I abso-fuckin-lutely hate it. I need more friends to go out with. But because of the schedule I have (I work 2:30 PM - 11:30 PM, with Mondays and Tuesdays as my days off), most of my friends are busy when I'm not.
Sigh, life. You never make things easy, do you?
Yes, in part I'm talking about work. Work has been normal for the past month, and none of those dreadful thoughts of losing my job have been hovering over my head like a persistent black cloud. Even if there is still that possibility, I've learned to accept things the way they are and I'm feeling a little OK about the whole deal already. So no problems with that particular aspect of my life.
Another part -- one that's a bit harder to put up with -- is when I'm not working. When I'm not in the office. When I'm just here, in my room, with nothing to do. These are the moments I'm finding especially difficult to deal with. Why? Because in four words: It Makes Me Horny.
I hate it when I'm horny. The natural god-like shimmer about my person when I'm usually seen standing tall and proud? It disappears when I'm horny. Instead, my body feels like it's been caked with mud, and I am compelled to prostrate myself, sully myself even further because I deserve to be punished, debased, and humiliated -- the filthy person that I am.
Damn. See what I mean? I abso-fuckin-lutely hate it. I need more friends to go out with. But because of the schedule I have (I work 2:30 PM - 11:30 PM, with Mondays and Tuesdays as my days off), most of my friends are busy when I'm not.
Sigh, life. You never make things easy, do you?