Oh wow. It's been, what, a week since I left work? I haven't been doing anything else other than going online, hanging out in message boards, and playing Silkroad. Not very productive, yes, but I simply could not resist the charms of going back to my fantasy virtual life -- that is, conjuring fireballs with a mere flick of a fingertip or whipping up a snowstorm to freeze evil tigers on their tracks.
Seriously tho, I am constantly being asked by friends what my next step will be. To be quite honest I'm not sure. The universe is still being fuzzy about it. I will most probably be doing random freelance projects in the immediate future. As a matter of fact, I just finished one from Azta Urban Salon. Another one is coming up, so I'm crossing my fingers for that.
There's also a chance I might take up writing seriously again. A friend of mine is asking help about this book he's planning on writing. We've talked about it and it sounded really interesting. It's all about Philippine Mythology, and from what my friend described, it sounded very Tolkien-esque -- in length as well as complexity. Very exciting.
I'm also thinking about redesigning my website, and maybe this blog while I'm at it. About time too. It's been over a year since I touched the damned thing. I hope I still have an idea how to work my way around the codes. Get my brain all shiny and oiled up.
And THEN there's the remote possibility of studying again. Why? Well if there's one thing I'm grateful with the company I worked with, it was in giving me the chance to do training. The whole experience made me feel like I could be a really good teacher. Or at least, a capable one. It was tiring, it was crazy, it made me incurably insane... but in the end it was all I imagined it would be. I enjoyed it immensely. And if the only way I can teach is to get a degree, then I might as well just grin, bear it, and get it.
Sigh. Well, let's see. It's the universe's call on this one. :-)
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Epilogue
I have to admit, that little chapter in my life ended with quite a dramatic flair. While I didn't mean to stage my exit in a blaze of glory, I am still glad I was able embed the exact impression I was hoping for when I made the decision to leave -- on both management and the entire team. I am proud to have stood by my team till the very end, and I would do it again a thousand times over because of the mere fact that I fiercely believe in their strengths as well as weaknesses -- as trainees, as teammates, and as friends.
The text messages I received the days following my resignation never failed to tug at my heartstrings. Oft times I had to keep myself from heading over to the 21st floor of the building just a few blocks from my house, to give each of my agents on duty at that time the warmest of hugs I can spare. I would have wanted to tell them, "That was part of training, and I hope you learned something valuable from the little performance I made." And then I would have wanted to stay.
But since life is as absolute as it is cruel, there is no chance of such a thing ever happening. The last thing left here to do is close the door, and face the new riot of stories in a growing cacophony looming before me. If there is strength left in me to get through this new chapter, I couldn't care less. If I have strength to breathe, then I have strength to walk through it.
The text messages I received the days following my resignation never failed to tug at my heartstrings. Oft times I had to keep myself from heading over to the 21st floor of the building just a few blocks from my house, to give each of my agents on duty at that time the warmest of hugs I can spare. I would have wanted to tell them, "That was part of training, and I hope you learned something valuable from the little performance I made." And then I would have wanted to stay.
But since life is as absolute as it is cruel, there is no chance of such a thing ever happening. The last thing left here to do is close the door, and face the new riot of stories in a growing cacophony looming before me. If there is strength left in me to get through this new chapter, I couldn't care less. If I have strength to breathe, then I have strength to walk through it.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Swansong
And so, finally, I left. The time I spent in that company was constantly tread with one foot out the door, and at the back of my mind, I always thought I wouldn't be staying long. Now, after much wasteful dalliance with upper management, I have finally drawn the curtains to my stage, and left.
To my teammates, friends, brothers, sisters, I am, and always will be...
... in perfect love, and perfect trust. :-)
To my teammates, friends, brothers, sisters, I am, and always will be...
... in perfect love, and perfect trust. :-)
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Another Ditch In The Road
Sigh. I'm home. This job is getting unnecessarily emotionally taxing. Although I would rather stay, I might have to consider leaving if the situation in our program does not improve soon. It's been almost a year since this account has started. People have matured and have become more aware of how things are done -- and accept it! Sadly, one essential thing is lacking. Respect.
These people are good. They are skilled and very good at what they do. Now if management can just effectively harness that massive pool of talent and experience, this will be a team to reckon with. The thing is, with the way things are going now, the people in our team aren't even getting the respect they deserve. Management has been making an awful lot of thoughtless, knee-jerk decisions that affect the health and morale of the team.
Of course I have made them aware of the situation, being part of the management team myself, but they have the same set of excuses -- "business needs," employee handbook, labor code -- which I honestly don't buy anymore. While it's all well and good we're following a system to keep things in check, it's still important that the people who are working for you are happy.
I'm proud and honored and humbled to say that the people in my team are my friends. I trust them completely and I'm glad to know they trust me and the decisions I make for them. If only we can have the same quality of trust and faith in the people who make the bigger decisions for us, then maybe we can be happier with the work that we're doing, and people will stay.
These people are good. They are skilled and very good at what they do. Now if management can just effectively harness that massive pool of talent and experience, this will be a team to reckon with. The thing is, with the way things are going now, the people in our team aren't even getting the respect they deserve. Management has been making an awful lot of thoughtless, knee-jerk decisions that affect the health and morale of the team.
Of course I have made them aware of the situation, being part of the management team myself, but they have the same set of excuses -- "business needs," employee handbook, labor code -- which I honestly don't buy anymore. While it's all well and good we're following a system to keep things in check, it's still important that the people who are working for you are happy.
I'm proud and honored and humbled to say that the people in my team are my friends. I trust them completely and I'm glad to know they trust me and the decisions I make for them. If only we can have the same quality of trust and faith in the people who make the bigger decisions for us, then maybe we can be happier with the work that we're doing, and people will stay.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Defying Gravity
Oh I must look a fright. I can't remember the last time a song moved mountains in me. I just finished listening to Defying Gravity from the Wicked musical, and it brought back an intense longing from some forgotten corner within me for something... greater I have always wanted to feel. Something I thought I'd lost over the years since highschool. It scares me to discover it's still alive and beating more wildly every second, but, strangely, I have no intentions of stopping it this time.
So if you care to find me, look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!" And if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free! To those who'd ground me, take a message back from me... Tell them how I am defying gravity! I'm flying high, defying gravity!
Monday, September 04, 2006
Tiny, Little Update
Went to the office to finalize some things needed for the new batch of trainees tomorrow. Was planning on going to the mall afterwards to catch a screening of either My Super Ex-Girlfriend or Devil Wears Prada, but the sudden rainfall washed away any hope of doing so down the gutter. Decided to have dinner at Chowking instead and head home right away.
Anyway, just finished reading emails and it looks like I have to do some major revisions for the new batch of murals for Azta Metroeast. I hope I could get them done before the week is up. That, and several proposals for a soap product logo thingeo I promised an officemate I'd help him with.
Work, work, work, Podi. No rest for the wicked.
Anyway, just finished reading emails and it looks like I have to do some major revisions for the new batch of murals for Azta Metroeast. I hope I could get them done before the week is up. That, and several proposals for a soap product logo thingeo I promised an officemate I'd help him with.
Work, work, work, Podi. No rest for the wicked.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Hell Hath No Fury
The problem with me is sometimes I can be fiercely uncompromising when it comes to upholding my principles. Now in an ideal world, this shouldn't be a problem at all, but twenty four years in the real world should have been enough to tell me that idealism is, at best, an elusive vision one constantly aspires to but is not, if rarely, ever reached.
Contrary to what most friends have been telling me, I do not have problems dealing with authority. As a matter of fact, I believe in the idea of an effective hierarchy spinning the gears of an organization. It's just that for most of my life, the ones whom I should be respecting and looking up to do not... well... convince me.
While I do realize it makes me sound like an arrogant, elitist, and unscrupulous s.o.b., I just can't bring myself to trust the job I have done so meticulously and analytically to be given the seal of approval by someone whom I know is ignorant of the subject matter (or, more often than not, just plain ignorant).
At any rate, I suppose for what happened last week, this was the best possible outcome. No, I wasn't terminated, and unfortunately, neither was she, but I can at least take comfort in the fact that she knows she should be careful when sending out thoughtless emails just like the one she did. Because if by any misstep, she tries to pull off that shit again, the whole team, plus HR, PLUS everyone in the industry will smell the stench of her incompetence, so help me God.
Contrary to what most friends have been telling me, I do not have problems dealing with authority. As a matter of fact, I believe in the idea of an effective hierarchy spinning the gears of an organization. It's just that for most of my life, the ones whom I should be respecting and looking up to do not... well... convince me.
While I do realize it makes me sound like an arrogant, elitist, and unscrupulous s.o.b., I just can't bring myself to trust the job I have done so meticulously and analytically to be given the seal of approval by someone whom I know is ignorant of the subject matter (or, more often than not, just plain ignorant).
At any rate, I suppose for what happened last week, this was the best possible outcome. No, I wasn't terminated, and unfortunately, neither was she, but I can at least take comfort in the fact that she knows she should be careful when sending out thoughtless emails just like the one she did. Because if by any misstep, she tries to pull off that shit again, the whole team, plus HR, PLUS everyone in the industry will smell the stench of her incompetence, so help me God.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Prelude to a Swansong
I have had enough. I will not feign respect to anyone who does not deserve it. Compromising principles is too high a price to pay for keeping a job which does not even know when to appreciate.
And her. HER. How I loathe her. I have never felt as much hatred for anyone, save for my father, as much as I have now for her. Her ignorance scalds me, marrow-deep. Her presence alone is oppressive, and everyone in the team feels it. Having to think of the amount of time I have to put up talking with her, dealing with her -- being in the management team myself -- is enough to keep me a step away from leaving.
BUT. I don't want to abandon my team. I care for them too much. Sigh. I will have to see which ending this little performance of mine leads the entire show to.
And her. HER. How I loathe her. I have never felt as much hatred for anyone, save for my father, as much as I have now for her. Her ignorance scalds me, marrow-deep. Her presence alone is oppressive, and everyone in the team feels it. Having to think of the amount of time I have to put up talking with her, dealing with her -- being in the management team myself -- is enough to keep me a step away from leaving.
BUT. I don't want to abandon my team. I care for them too much. Sigh. I will have to see which ending this little performance of mine leads the entire show to.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
It Always Was In The Blood
It was tiring, crazy, and everyday I'd go home four hours after my shift, but it was ultimately, utterly fulfilling -- and here I am still swimming on the high it left my overused nerves. It was exactly how I imagined it would feel. Ever since my mother brought me with her to work when I was six, I knew I wanted to be a teacher.
here's to my first batch of trainees :-)
Y'all will be missed when I go back to the graveyard shift.
here's to my first batch of trainees :-)
Y'all will be missed when I go back to the graveyard shift.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
The Tragedy of Recursion
there was a time, not long ago
i believed with resolute conviction
whenever i said, "enough."
there was a time
i believed each drop of rain had a name
and yours, the one hardest to forget,
carved itself through me.
(i wear the scar within the folds of my skin
like a silver cross on a chain, secretly.)
then there was the time i stopped blaming you
because it was not your fault --
never your fault --
that the wall of lies i'd built
started crumbling down on me,
deluding myself every inch of it was true.
perhaps now is the time to stop clinging
and time to stop fooling myself
time to stop living in a pipe dream
that i am strong enough, mad enough to stay
time to stop believing when i say,
"it's not enough,"
when,
as a matter of fact,
it is.
•••
It amazed me how easily you seemed to have said it. "I had the perfectest date." Simple, innocent, noncommittal. Much similar to when someone would say, "I had puttanesca for dinner," or "I see your point." And for a minute, I actually believed 'perfectest' was a real word. One never knows what you will say next.
I, for one, never knew how being hit by a sledgehammer felt like until you've finished saying what you just said. And you carried on too, chronicling how he went to your place first and then going to the mall together afterwards, and how you had a spectacular time, agreeing to meet again the following night.
To my credit, I found myself uttering complete nonsense such as, "Wow," or "That's great," or "Really," successfully keeping to my fingers what I really wanted to say, which, I think was to the effect of, "Could you please not tell me about it anymore? Ever?"
However, no sooner than I thunk it did I discover my fingers betraying my thoughts, sending the exact same message to your IM window. It was immediately followed by, "I'm sorry I didn't imagine it would be this painful." And finally, "I'll let you know when I'm OK." And then a smiley :-) for good measure. Then I disconnected.
I didn't die, as I'd hoped I would. What did happen, what it did feel, was like being launched into space, without warning. Alien abductors crashed through the windows of the 21st floor office, carrying me up past the exosphere without so much as a bubble helmet, and leaving me there to suffocate in cosmic dust.
I was beaten. Defeated by my own delusions. And once again I am here, orbiting in the dark expanse of space. Waiting for gravity to pull me, hoping this time around, my feet will stick firmly to the ground.
i believed with resolute conviction
whenever i said, "enough."
there was a time
i believed each drop of rain had a name
and yours, the one hardest to forget,
carved itself through me.
(i wear the scar within the folds of my skin
like a silver cross on a chain, secretly.)
then there was the time i stopped blaming you
because it was not your fault --
never your fault --
that the wall of lies i'd built
started crumbling down on me,
deluding myself every inch of it was true.
perhaps now is the time to stop clinging
and time to stop fooling myself
time to stop living in a pipe dream
that i am strong enough, mad enough to stay
time to stop believing when i say,
"it's not enough,"
when,
as a matter of fact,
it is.
It amazed me how easily you seemed to have said it. "I had the perfectest date." Simple, innocent, noncommittal. Much similar to when someone would say, "I had puttanesca for dinner," or "I see your point." And for a minute, I actually believed 'perfectest' was a real word. One never knows what you will say next.
I, for one, never knew how being hit by a sledgehammer felt like until you've finished saying what you just said. And you carried on too, chronicling how he went to your place first and then going to the mall together afterwards, and how you had a spectacular time, agreeing to meet again the following night.
To my credit, I found myself uttering complete nonsense such as, "Wow," or "That's great," or "Really," successfully keeping to my fingers what I really wanted to say, which, I think was to the effect of, "Could you please not tell me about it anymore? Ever?"
However, no sooner than I thunk it did I discover my fingers betraying my thoughts, sending the exact same message to your IM window. It was immediately followed by, "I'm sorry I didn't imagine it would be this painful." And finally, "I'll let you know when I'm OK." And then a smiley :-) for good measure. Then I disconnected.
I didn't die, as I'd hoped I would. What did happen, what it did feel, was like being launched into space, without warning. Alien abductors crashed through the windows of the 21st floor office, carrying me up past the exosphere without so much as a bubble helmet, and leaving me there to suffocate in cosmic dust.
I was beaten. Defeated by my own delusions. And once again I am here, orbiting in the dark expanse of space. Waiting for gravity to pull me, hoping this time around, my feet will stick firmly to the ground.