Too Many Storms, Not Enough Sky

I feel like I'm in the middle of a tornado. I see a lot of terrible things flying around me, but I can't reach them, or catch them, or do anything about them at all.

Last night, I let down two people really close to me. One was on the verge of crying, and the other one... I don't know if I still have the other one, although I'm hoping against hope I still do.

What was I doing then, while the storm inside my mind was raging? I was... I was being SELFISH. I was being INDULGENT. I made a CHOICE. ME, over the people who needed me. That was what I was doing while everything was being whipped around by the apparent storm in my brain.

See, I'm just standing in the midst of it all, looking, reaching my hands up in vain, waiting for something to grab a hold of me while the tornado rages on with no hint of stopping. I move, and the tornado moves with me.

I can't help thinking... am I the one causing the storm? Or has the storm always been me?

Two Shots Fantasy, One Chunk Reality

Just got home from an overnight at Jasper's place. We watched Spirited Away, the first episode of Carnivale, and Requiem for a Dream.

I already watched Spirited Away before but it was nice seeing it again. Hayao Miyazaki's animation never fails to take my breath away, and the story makes me feel so much like a kid! I feel like if I'd seen it when I was still young, it would have left a profound impression in me. Maybe I'd remember being terrified thinking of my parents turning into humongous pigs, and then leaving poor little me at a magical bathhouse with bouncing heads and talking frogs. Frogs! Urgh! I don't know which would be worse... frogs, or being near Yubaba. Shivers.

Carnivale, another one of HBO's original series, had a very promising first episode. The premise is absolutely dark and it really shook up the cobwebs of the gothic compartments in our brains.

I was also pleasantly surprised when I saw Clea DuVall in it too. I first noticed her in 13 Conversations About One Thing and I liked her then. Seeing her in Carnivale, she's really becoming one of my most admired actresses and I'm looking forward to seeing more of her films.

And then... we watched Requiem for a Dream. :'(

Noise!

Something's wrong with the universe today. I woke up to the horrible, horrible sounds of our neighbor's speakers, blasting bloody hell all over the place. This has happened before, but not this early! I wonder what's wrong with them, that they think everyone appreciates their taste in music? Damnit, if it weren't so illegal, I'd walk over there and... and... well I'd do something illegal! Preferably something that hurts, but not enough to kill them. Just make them suffer for a very long time.

What's worse, our street's being umm... fixed, and adding to the musical monstrosities are jackhammers and scrapings and more jackhammers! And my brother turned up the TV to add to the noise!

Huff... I just hope this jolting start doesn't capitalize something bad for the rest of the day... :-/

Tragic And Chilling

This is both tragic and chilling. In everything that we do, whether we make it public or not in our journals, all of us do not know what will happen after we click on that Publish Post button.

Lin tied Simon Ng up and stabbed him repeatedly in the chest with a butcher knife, cops said.

It was not clear how much time passed before Sharon Ng came home at 9:30 p.m. Cops said Lin pounced on her as she entered the home and stabbed her repeatedly in the neck.

Here's the Xanga entry of Simon Ng before Lin's dark deed.

My Brain Is A Loose Cannon

This day (or technically, yesterday) has been the climax of a Weekend Mood Switch Marathon. Nothing real significant happened, and by significant I mean violent and destructive, since I was able to exert such willpower that I managed to hold everything in without fail. Yes, the enraged poop machine that was my brain was subdued by my awesome might, stopping the forces of evil dead in its tracks. Happy dances of joy to the world.

It, however, has side effects. Like right now, I am a loose cannon of ideas and I do not know which to pin down first. Everything is shooting off in random directions that one can't even begin to imagine how hateful the little demons can be, bouncing around the room like hundreds of little bunny rabbits in mating season.

Plus, I have this story which I so desperately want to get out of my brain, but the thingie just isn't willing to cooperate. I sit down and look at lappie, but each time I see the cursor blink-blinking, it always seems like it's mock-mocking me. After thirty minutes or so, I usually end up giving it the finger and getting majorly frustrated (and strangely horny).

I guess I need to relax. But it's hard to relax with all the voices in my head talking at the same time. This boy needs drugs, or a boyfriend.

Missing The Little Joys

Got home from Laguna a couple of hours ago. It was really great seeing my previous officemates again. I was a bit disappointed some of them were not able to go though... But oh well, there's always next time I suppose.

We stayed at a nice and conveniently located resort in Los Baños. It was relatively small, but we were the only ones there so we had the whole place to ourselves. After settling in, we immediately got cooking for a late lunch mini-feast beside the pool. The guys cooked a lot, but not one of us faltered, digging in with our hands, until everything was finished off in record time.

We went back to our room after cleaning up and they played cards while I alternated taking pictures and uploading everything to lappie. I guess people got too restless and eager after a while so they brought out the booze and we decided to start our drinking session, albeit earlier than expected.

A few minutes into it and we started talking about the usual things... relationships, work gossip, and alcohol-induced randmoness. I think we were pushed to the fringes of what we're all supposed to share, but it was fine, having been moved with the power only the Holy Distilled Spirit can do. :-P

At dusk, we hit the pool to sober up and talk some more. This time, the topic gravitated to how disturbingly similar and fleeting all of our romantic ideals have been. And it's really hard to believe sometimes how serious some of the guys can be because after one second of being profoundly deep, they can effortlessly switch to horsing around, taking off their swimwear under the water, to the horror of the females in the group. In any case, we did the kid-adult mode switch a few more hours before having dinner and then finally calling it a night.

In the morning, everyone was blissfully buzzed. All of us did our morning rituals with mechanical precision until it was time to go home which we did so around 10 AM.

Two hours after, the guys dropped me off in our street and the moment after watching them drive away, I began to miss the little new memories I think I won't ever forget. And things that would have been possible but won't ever happen. The word 'Regret' started to creep in the musty passages of my mind, and I weakly pushed it away. This is my life now, for good or bad, and I am thankful for the little joys that I come across once in a while. :-)

Name Calling

Misadventures, Flash, And Laguna

Just-just got home. Went on a happy misadventure with someone to the nowhereness of E. Rodriguez in New Manila looking for Big Sky Mind. Rounding the corner of the main road, we found the place nestled quite awkwardly in a quiet-like street just because we heard something loud like drums being thrown all over the place.

I guess it just wasn't my scene because I wasn't really turned on when we got there. The party nerves just refused to get jiggy with it, so to speak. Hehe. (Lame.) Anyway, we looked for my friends, said hi, made small talk, and had dinner somewhere else.

In other news, I just made my first Flash animation last night! I'm so proud of myself. It's supposed to be emailed to Fridae.com for the Pink Filmfest promotions, but Oscar wasn't able to open it in his computer so boo to that. But it's running perfectly now, right? :-)



Tomorrow, I go to Laguna with some friends for an overnight thingamabob. They're not txting me yet tho. I have a feeling this is going to be another Tagaytay incident and just won't happen. I'm fine either way. I miss my friends, but I'll be missing my savings more.

I keed, I keed. :-P

A Week In A Nutshell

The past three days have been dark. In a sense that I entered into a certain level of trance, lived it, exhaled, and got out. At least I think I got out. In any case, it makes me shiver just thinking about it. I hate it. I hate it a lot, but it still happens. And from a rough approximation, it happens every two months.

I figure I should write about it, but I'm a bit apprehensive about certain things right now. Maybe soon when I can look at it in a more objective point of view, and not threaten to break down every second my thought processes are stirred.

Sigh. Be that as it may, I'm glad it's over. Right now, I'm just a bit concerned at what I have laid out for this week

- Tomorrow, I house sit for Jasper -- one of the things I look forward to everytime I get the chance to do it. Why? Because I can read his entire Sandman collection!

- Wednesday night, I'll be going to some art exhibit event. I think I made the mistake of inviting more people than I should have. I mean, I'm also just a guest. I hope the event people involved won't mind.

- Thursday to Friday, I might be going on an overnight trip with some other friends. It's still a bit sketchy, planning things with them but still, it would be nice if it pans out well.

So there. I'm expecting by the end of the week, my savings will already be ancient history, and it's back to square nothing for me. That hasn't stopped me before tho. :-P

Giving The Cosmos A Sign

I went out with a couple of friends today. It was sort of fun, even if my feet were crying bloody murder because of all the walking we've done. I wasn't really too keen on going out since it was quite impractical with my financial standing at the moment, but I guess I'm glad I did.

Besides, I needed to get out of the house and get away from cyberspace for a while. I was feeling a bit pissed since the web servers for qwadro were being moved or some such, and is causing a painful 72-hour downtime. I want to look at this in a positive light, so I'm thinking I should start cooking up a new layout by the time things are up and running again.

Anyway, after being treated to a hefty dinner at Tokyo Tokyo by someone who I just met (!!!) and therefore has my undying gratitude, Jade did a tarot reading on how my life is going to be until my birthday next month. As expected, it just confirmed everything I knew already. It's scary sort of, but at least I can think about what I can do about it as early as now.

And yes, the reading also confirmed what my instincts were pointing to about YOU. But see... it really doesn't matter much because, well... OK. Look at it this way. If you have ever felt something as intense as what I am feeling right now, you would have the stomach to stare the cosmos right into its big, bad, sullen eyes and give it a fuck you sign, and come out feeling good about it whatever the outcome. Because as much as I'm pained to admit it, I still like you, intensely, excruciatingly so.

So yeah cosmos, this one's for you!

Tempting Fate And Making Plans

Aren't we all, Hono'o-chan? Aren't we all... :-P

Anyway, I can't wait to meet up some friends later over Ice Monster. A welcome respite from this heatwave we're having. June said she got me something from her trip to Korea. I told her I hope it's alive and tall and male whose name starts with a Won and ends with a Bin. LOL. Damnit, all this idleness is making me boy crazy.

Tomorrow, I will probably be meeting up with a couple of friends again for I don't know what for yet. Maybe to talk about this indie publishing house my friend wants to start, or a website he wants done to house the tarot cards he's making. They're really amazing, and I envy his mutant power of mastery over colors.

In other news, I should really start trying to say no to people, especially now that my savings are making like Bai Ling's dress and dipping dangerously low. And I'm not too proud to admit that yeah, I do need a job... but I can't start looking for one just yet.

My mother suggested I take home schooling instead if I don't want to go back to Benilde. I'm seriously considering it, but I still have to to look into it and know what it entails. Maybe ask people about it. Right now though, I'm getting the impression that it sounds like fun. :-)

Six Months

What happens in six months? Oh nothing. Just that Harry Potter AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE IS GOING TO BE SHOWN, THAT'S WHAT! :-D

Victor Krum and Cedric Diggory are both looking... err... excited about it. Deep, deep, deep, deep down I'm sure they must be excited. I know I am. (It's such a guilty pleasure, me gushing.) :-)




[ via ]

Stalker Instincts

I was IM-ing with a friend and we were talking about how his stalkee and I have common acquaintances. It was sort of fun LJ-hopping and noting all the references to the poor boy. We all have our own guilty pleasures, ne? :-P

me: grabe
me: stalker instincts ito!
me: lol
jaja: hahahhaha
jaja: *tawang kontrabida*
jaja: i want to wear my wide-brimmed j.lo hat... light a stick of virginia slims... then wear my jackie o shades by gucci which matches my little black valentino dress & manolo blahnik pumps
jaja: then let out my kontrabida laugh while the bus explodes on the background
jaja: sabay sabi "akin ang huling halakhak..."

The Kitten

We have a stray cat that took residence in our house a few years ago. We didn't mind it much, that is, until it jumps up to the table and eats our food. It would have been ok if we really wanted a cat, but the thing is, we didn't. Still we didn't do anything about it and we let the cat walk freely around the house with my father occasionally giving it scraps. For my part, I just ignored it. It came and went as it pleased and we'd already gotten used to its presence.

One day we sort of noticed it was pregnant, and the next thing we knew there was a kitten mewling incessantly from multiple corners in the house. It became a problem then, since the cat we were used to seeing preen and croon and trip on was fairly quiet. Still, we didn't do anything about it and left it alone.

For months, we would see mama cat playing with its kitten in every part of the house. We would spend idle times being amused by the little kitten's energy and the way it bounced around like some furry ball of yarn. It crossed my mind that the kitten must have gotten its genki-ness from its father.

And so the kitten grew up and it's still this hyperactive grey and white blur zooming around the house. We didn't see mama cat around anymore and we figured it already died somewhere. But that loss didn't change kitten one bit. It still bounces around the house like nobody's business, its mewling still constant and annoying, and it's still jumping on the table lapping on breakfast, lunch, and dinner like everything was for him. I was beginning to hate its absent father.

STILL WE IGNORED IT. My father still gave it scraps and we just shooed it away and took note of covering the food on the table when we're gone. I guess we were just too lazy to get rid of it.

Until today that is. For some cosmic reason, I had a black cloud hovering over my head since I woke up. I was just avoiding people until it passes so I don't spread it around. However the heat was not helping one bit. NOT ONE BIT. And when I saw the kitten on the table lapping on my lunch, I just snapped.

I took a sack from our store and dumped a few scraps in it. I went back to the kitchen and knelt below the table to face kitten. The black cloud somehow turned red and I found myself muttering, "Hey little kitty... here kitty... here kitty kitty..." It was scary, but I wasn't feeling scared then. I just wanted to get rid of that kitten.

The kitten was slowly, warily walking towards me, alternating glances between my (maniacal, twisted) face and the food in the sack which I was offering him. I was patient. Boy was I patient. Kitten walked slowly in the sack and it picked on the food.

A heartbeat.

And I lifted the sack, trapping the mewling, thrashing, terrified, and angry kitten inside. It was a difficult task tying it up since the kitten wouldn't stop trying to scratch its way up but I managed to do it with help from my brother. The red cloud was still there and I was breathing heavily, evilly.

The sack was alive and writhing and twisting. I felt sick looking at it. But I knew it had to be done. I had to do it. I asked my aunt to have it thrown away by the neighborhood kids. I kept on justifying that I had to do it. It had to be done...

I went up to my room without eating. I don't think I'd be able to for a while.

Wireless Journal

Thanks to Aajao, I have just spent the past hour reminiscing on my life as a 19-year old through my Wireless Journal Archive.

Have I become so different? No, not really. I'm still the same whiney kid as I was back then. Only, with better hair and fashion sense. LOL... :-D

Not Able To Sleep

OK. Enough. This is crazy. I can’t sleep at all because of what I’ve written. I’m over it. I'm OVER IT.

I shouldn’t be thinking about it anyway, let alone having my issues published online. But I already did, and since I let it out already, no sense taking it back. It's just the same as keeping yourself from sneezing and pinching your nose when you do. Disgusting. Healthier to just let it out.

Besides, tomorrow’s a Sunday and it’s going to be a brand new week. No sense capitalizing it with negative vibes, ne?

I know. I should watch a feel-good movie. Or maybe get blueberry cheesecake. Or pizza. Double Dutch ice cream. Vodka. The complete episodes of PGSM.

THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS!!!

Warning: On Being Bitter And Jaded

This is one of those days when the cosmos conspires to play some cruel joke on me to try and push me off the edge. I don't know if I'm letting it win or if I'm really just a pushover but whatever it is, the cosmos sure knows how to push my buttons. This time, they're using guys as their ammo.

Ever since I could remember, I hated seeing good-looking guys. Sure they're nice to look at, and I could tell and appreciate beauty as it is. I'm not a complete caveman after all... but deep, deep, deep inside, I just want to have the lot of them bound and shipped to another planet -- a safe distance for me to just watch them, enough to keep me amused. Far enough from my murderous claws.

It's something psychological I suppose so. A twisted sense of defense mechanism maybe? But see, I've always believed in the law of cosmic balance and I think that if these guys have it going for them physically, then I'm quite sure that there's something wrong with them in another aspect. Whatever it is, it's sure not to be very likeable. Maybe even pushing evil.

Oh, it's such a SHALLOW and NARROW-MINDED way of looking at things and honestly, I feel bad for thinking this way. I'm quite sure that it's possible people can be nice if given the chance... but I just can't bring myself to believe that. There has to be something wrong. It's been preprogrammed in my psyche, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to fight.

I hate it a lot when my mind is spawning voices on its own saying thing like, "I know you have a dark, dark secret behind that gorgeous smile of yours and I bet I'm not going to like it one bit. As a matter of fact, I'm going to hate it so much that I regret even looking at you, you demon. I see right through you." But of course I can't say or do anything outwardly vicious. I still have an inkling of control over the voices in my head. So I smile back.

I realize that it's so harsh thinking like this, my brain might as well have bled from the utter cruelty of it all. It must be my bitter, jaded, inner fag talking. Where did it stem from? I have no idea at all. Well, maybe I do. But it just makes me more angry thinking about it.

What's funny though, is if I tell this to any of my friends. They would just chime in cheerily, "You're just horny, Podi. Get out there and get laid." And I'd hate the fact that they might be right. >:(

Sigh. I might as well just sleep. Let's hope tomorrow would greet me more pleasantly. I hate feeling this way.

Almost Done

Finally! It has been a long, painful, and exhausting trek... I have been deprived of sleep, food, and boys... but finally... FINALLY I'm almost done with the Pink Film Festival website! I'll be crying tears of pastel for months!

Ninety-seven percent of the site was made out of CSS and I'm so proud of myself. I'm expecting a lot of bugs and site overhauls at this point, but at least the general design and layout are done already.

I know, I know I don't have the greatest taste in colors and design, but hey I admit I still have a lot to learn. And I figure like life, like love, like baking cookies... designing takes a hell lot of practice. Right now I'm just glad I can get a website up and running.

Now if I can just do the same with everything else, I'd be fairly happy. :-P

Quick Break

The past two days have been spent mostly with lappie, working on the Pink Film Festival website. I'm almost done with the layout; I just need to organize the content. Right now I'm taking a quick break so I can do my dailies.

I'm finding out it's not such a bad thing, what I'm doing right now. Sure, I don't have a paying job, but at least I have my own time and I can use that time to study by myself. And even though it's fantastically difficult, I'm honestly enjoying.

Besides, it's not like I haven't done this before. During my height of otaku-ness, when Sailor Moon was still on air, I managed to learn how to read and write Japanese. Sure I have very little idea what I'm reading, but at least I can read and write. I think it's a pretty significant start already, ne? Too bad I didn't have the chance to follow through with formal lessons. Too expensive.

Anyway... I better get back. :-)

Cleaning House

There are just times when everything about the world seems so right. Like right now, I'm listening to Billie Holiday, and it's a comfortabe and quiet Saturday night. I'm inside my freshly cleaned, newly rearranged room with my beloved books nestled in the makeshift shelf I have near the bed, and lappie perched on top of an almost perfect table beside that. The planets are aligned and the cosmos is at peace.

And you know what? Maybe it is. Maybe I shouldn't have to worry about random things popping in my sorry little brain all the time. Maybe I should just accept that everything is ok right now. Maybe even if it would just last for a few minutes, I shouldn't sweat it out and just be. I just cleaned my room for heaven's sake, and it doesn't happen a lot. Huff.

Well anyway, ok I'm fine. One odd thing that happened this day though -- I got really angry at my mother for like, ten minutes. I was cleaning my room, and I had my books laid out in the other room while I'm doing stuff. So I was thinking where I should put my books this time. I asked my mother and she said out flat and without hesitation, "Put up a book sale in front of our house."

I don't know how it could have happened in a split second, and how my mind processed a reaction so quickly. I shouted, "How could you even think that?! I just asked where I could put my books and you tell me to sell them?!"

To say I was enraged is an understatement. The idea of giving away my books, let alone selling them is... is... well it infuriates me! And to think I already lost most of them to people who don't know how to return books they borrow? It was a sharp jab to my chest, seriously. It really blows, that's all I can say.

Eventually I cooled down, thank goodness. My mother and I were both sorry about what we said. I guess that made the both of us know each other a little better. Even if we ARE family, we could still surprise one another time after time I suppose.

And another thing, while I was cleaning my room, I found this short story Hono'o-chan had written maybe around a year or so ago. It was about the two of us growing up and... well, other stuff that we do while growing up. I don't know what to say about it since I'm in it... And the things written down were more or less close to home... Maybe I'll post it soon after I get to type it up. Suffice it to say it dredged up a lotta memories. Both good and bad. Both I'm thankful for. :)

Ah well. Cleaning house makes the cosmos happy apparently. I should do it more often.