This is one of those days when the cosmos conspires to play some cruel joke on me to try and push me off the edge. I don't know if I'm letting it win or if I'm really just a pushover but whatever it is, the cosmos sure knows how to push my buttons. This time, they're using guys as their ammo.
Ever since I could remember, I hated seeing good-looking guys. Sure they're nice to look at, and I could tell and appreciate beauty as it is. I'm not a complete caveman after all... but deep, deep, deep inside, I just want to have the lot of them bound and shipped to another planet -- a safe distance for me to just watch them, enough to keep me amused. Far enough from my murderous claws.
It's something psychological I suppose so. A twisted sense of defense mechanism maybe? But see, I've always believed in the law of cosmic balance and I think that if these guys have it going for them physically, then I'm quite sure that there's something wrong with them in another aspect. Whatever it is, it's sure not to be very likeable. Maybe even pushing evil.
Oh, it's such a SHALLOW and NARROW-MINDED way of looking at things and honestly, I feel bad for thinking this way. I'm quite sure that it's possible people can be nice if given the chance... but I just can't bring myself to believe that. There has to be something wrong. It's been preprogrammed in my psyche, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to fight.
I hate it a lot when my mind is spawning voices on its own saying thing like, "I know you have a dark, dark secret behind that gorgeous smile of yours and I bet I'm not going to like it one bit. As a matter of fact, I'm going to hate it so much that I regret even looking at you, you demon. I see right through you." But of course I can't say or do anything outwardly vicious. I still have an inkling of control over the voices in my head. So I smile back.
I realize that it's so harsh thinking like this, my brain might as well have bled from the utter cruelty of it all. It must be my bitter, jaded, inner fag talking. Where did it stem from? I have no idea at all. Well, maybe I do. But it just makes me more angry thinking about it.
What's funny though, is if I tell this to any of my friends. They would just chime in cheerily, "You're just horny, Podi. Get out there and get laid." And I'd hate the fact that they might be right. >:(
Sigh. I might as well just sleep. Let's hope tomorrow would greet me more pleasantly. I hate feeling this way.
