Not Getting Any Sleep

Oh who am I kidding. I've been a nervous wreck because of this job. Well no, that's not being accurate. I am a nervous wreck at what taking this job implies. It means I have to start getting my shit in order. It means I will have to surrender to the system as I have before. It means I will once again cling to responsibilities ordinary humans are supposed to have. And although I am not totally opposed to meeting new friends, facing a fresh array of personalities means a different version of myself will be coaxed out, no matter how much I deny it.

It's happened before, and it's undoubtedly going to happen again. I'm not saying I regret it. I know how giving up a part of oneself in order to move on and accept a new piece given to you is an essential step on everyone's life path and I understand that. It's just that... the sheer randomness of it all, the free-falling sensation not knowing when you'll hit rock bottom... scares me.

I'm not getting any sleep, that's for sure.

Same Old Rain

For all my optimism, gloomy days still hover over me sometimes. I try my best to be chipper about it and think of how I've overcome much worse, but when you're smack dab in the middle of things, it's kind of hard to ignore.

It doesn't help that the weather is being erratic and is now in one of its coldest points in the day so far. It could have been early evening, but really, it's only noon. A lot of good that does to my already cloudy disposition.

•••
My day thus far: woke up and my hair was back to its frizzy and unruly self after having been trimmed and treated yesterday; talked with a couple of friends online whom I haven't seen for a long ass time -- one was a very close friend, and the other one I kinda sorta liked but didn't really do anything about; got shot down by someone for being honest with my preferred role in bed.

•••
More about my hair: I shouldn't have had it trimmed yesterday. I should have waited until I got money so I'd be able to have it relaxed again, or straightened out permanently. Now I have to wait six more months to have it return to the way it was. I can't even do a thing about it now except put it under a cap always -- which would be a problem since I'd be starting work on Wednesday and a cap in the office isn't really very appropriate. Bad bad bad move.

•••
My two long lost friends, now found: They're both wonderful people and I'm glad I got to talk with them again. One of them took me in when I didn't feel like going home for a while, and the other one I thought of as... well... someone I really like. I might still like him actually. But because of various things I wouldn't enumerate anymore, I don't think I'll act upon it any time soon. Or ever. But it's really better this way. And I'm glad I'm in touch with both of them again.

•••
The last one: I'm still not quite sure why I'm affected. I shouldn't be, since I don't really like-like him. I was beginning to, but I'm not stepping over that line yet. Maybe I'm disappointed. Not because he didn't like me anymore after finding out we're "not compatible," but rather, because I thought he was something more than I thought he was. Turns out he's EXACTLY as I thought he was. And to him I say, "If you can't see past that, you won't see the best in anyone."

•••
There. I sure hope the rest of the week unfolds more beautifully.

The End Is The Beginning Is The End

Huzzah! for life's unflinching ability to pounce at a time one least expects it. The last two days have been one surprise after another and I wasn't sure if I could still handle it. That is, until it was over.

It started late Tuesday evening when Fire IMed me saying that there is an opening for a job me and a friend would be (almost) perfect for and we needed to meet with her first thing in the morning. Being someone who doesn't handle surprises very well, I panicked and said yes without so much as a worry or a thought. Realizing my error, I called up my friend right away and told him about it, phrasing it in a way that he doesn't have any choice in the matter. I didn't mean to say it like that, really, but my mind was on overload and I just say the first thought that pops in my head.

What followed was a long drawn conversation on how random life can be and a repeat of the talk we had the other week about wanting to take on a job and the willingness to submit to a more normal semblance of life. It appeared that the psychological idea of the truth being the first thought that comes into mind was true since we really did have no choice in the matter. We decided (or at least, made an illusion of deciding) to make an appearance the next day.

Wednesday. After a series of tests and seemingly endless interviews, we both ended up getting the job. Well, at least on that day I did. My friend has yet to confirm and fix his schedule until he can sign up. Nevertheless, it was all very taxing for the both of us and we had to cram all our issues in one day, give or take several hours.

So there. The Big Cosmic Push, arriving at a time when I thought no Push was going to happen anymore. Let this be a lesson.




----------
AFTERTHOUGHT:

I was mildly distracted during the written part of the exam, thinking if I really wanted to push through with it. Because I knew, even if it seemed we had no choice, I can still revert to my old tactics and stop. Just stop. But I painfully tried to ignore my old instincts screaming and bit back on an errant thought. I tried to focus answering questions on grammar and vocabulary, which for some reason seemed more difficult than I think they should have been for me.

Once it was over and I was given another paper for the essay part, I just knew I had to let everything out already. And so my pen relentlessly glided on the blank sheet, easing everything I had into the black ink. I didn't read through after I was done and I submitted everything raw right away. I could only imagine what I might have written there in that state of mind.

And Merry Ye Meet

Magical doesn't even begin to cover it. The Universe was very happy last night at Hono'o-chan's Samhain Dinner. Both good friends -- beautiful people whom I've just met and those whom I've known for a long time -- and great food are more than enough to fill one's heart to the brim with, well, the affirmation that good things really do exist. And, daring to sound even more cheesy, it also reaffirmed and renewed the trust that I seemed to have doubted to exist in people nowadays.

Undeniably, this world has its quirks and yes, there are times when I just want to send a big fuck you sign to the cosmos, but deep deep deep deep down I believe, with every fiber of my being, that there really are more good than bad if we just care enough to look for them. And what Hono'o-chan said during the ceremony was right: that during dark times, there will always be someone we should not be afraid of to ask for help. "The circle remains open but unbroken."

Yes, love and light are real. Even through just a glimpse from our normal, often worry-laden lives, it exists and it waits for us to reach out and touch it. I hope people begin to realize the strength that comes from believing in that.

"From my heart
through these hands
to your heart,
take all the love I give
and pass it on."

----------
AFTERTHOUGHT: At first I wanted to talk about what happened the whole night -- about the new people I've met, the great food we brought and shared especially the different cocktails we've learned to mix, and how every second was so surreal and supernatural... but I didn't want to merely report on what happened. Doing that would make it seem like it was just any other party, which it wasn't, and not only on one level. Basta. The experience was magical. :-)

Life Is A Sweet Champagne

Yesterday morning, I decided to put my absolute trust on the cosmos on whichever way it guides me. I'm running on empty -- quite literally too -- and I just want to get life over and done with without much of a fuss. Rolling with the punches, taking in whatever life throws at me, and putting out as long as I'm able to. That's how it's going to be as much as possible and if I can help it.

•••
In other news, I had dinner with some of my previous officemates last night. At first I was apprehensive on going out but the moment I saw them inside Gerry's at Prudential, all traces of worry evaporated from my being and I was immediately awash with gladness in seeing them again.

Dinner was very animated as we all had a lot of stories to tell -- how they were doing, how I was doing, the latest office gossip, love teams, and everything else that's fit to be among friends and good food. It was all devoid of any complications, perchances, and happenstances and it was great.

Not only that. I like myself when I'm with them! It's almost as if I'm a totally different person and I myself can't believe I'm capable of being outgoing, chatty, and all out happy... but I was and I swam in it. I reveled in it. Life was a sparkling champagne and I was drunk. I wanted to hold on to that sweet inebriation for as long as I can.

Towards the end of the evening, after seeing Abba off to her cab ride home and I was walking the midnight streets of Makati CBD, I thought hey this isn't so bad. Sure I may not be living the life someone like myself could have been capable of living, but I'm doing ok.

I have friends that I love, and my family is not even remotely close to being ideal, but we do care about each other. I'm even amazed at how patient they've been with me, putting up with my shit for a long time and still manage to keep me with them! All in all I'm still eternally grateful.

At the start of this entry I thought I'd wanted to write about sliding down on a feeling of resolute surrender. I thought it simply meant I was giving up. Instead it took on a life of its own and showed me another perspective of what I was going through.

Things can still be better I know, and I might still be meant to go through a hell lot more... but even if the universe decides to take me now, I wouldn't have a problem at all. "OK" might be the best I could hope for, but "OK" is good enough for me. Because I know I've made a difference, one way or another. I'm sure of it.

I'm really glad I went out last night. :-)


para sa inyo 'to ate fe, dada, tiyang mameng (na wala sa litrato, pero
alam kong gusto nyang sumali). marami kayong naituro sa'kin.
kita-kita tayo ulit. :-)

The Oldest Cosmic Joke In The Book

Correction. It was not a Big Cosmic Push that happened today. It was more like Relentless Cosmic Poking, and it was annoying as hell. The day did not agree with me, not one bit. Not exactly a good way for one's life to go when it hits a curve.

It started at around 7:30 AM, I woke up when I heard a loud *blag* outside my room. Immediately I heard the groans of my brother, just waking up, apparently fending off our nephew Josh from depriving him of sleep hours. The voice to follow was my sister's shrill "Josh, wag dyan!" ("Josh, not there!") A cacophony of baby giggles and grunts followed suit and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore.

Head still tubthumping, I got up to do my dailies and print out my resume. Right on cue, the friend whom I was applying with called me up and we talked about how we'll be meeting up later. We agreed on the usual place and time and then we talked some more about the job we are applying for, what we are doing, and if we really wanted to do it. Again, we agreed that we didn't really want to do it, but with the cosmos' insistent pushing, it's pretty difficult to just stand and weather it out. So might as well just let it do its magic.

At around noon, I was already on my way out to meet with my friend so I got my anti-social device ready. But something was wrong. I could not lock the keys. The thing you push at the top doesn't work. But I didn't panic. I thought maybe if I restart, it would work fine again, so I restarted. After booting up, I tried locking the keys one more time. It still didn't work!

And then the memory came rushing into me like a reverse explosion. The noise I heard in the morning was actually my iPod falling down from its perch beside the TV.

Oh. My. G--!

My iPod is broken! After taking care of it and being good to it and pampering it like something that came out of me, it was broken! OK, the sound still works and it still plays songs, but still! I haven't tried connecting it to the computer yet... I hope no other damage was done...

I knew then. I KNEW THEN that this day was not going to agree with me. I trudged over to the meeting place with my broken iPod and waited for my friend. I was hoping to get things over and done with and get home right away after doing what we needed to do, but my friend being one hour late didn't really help my mood at all. (Don't worry, I forgive you. LOL. My day just had a nasty start.)

I tried to ignore the battery acid in my throat when my friend arrived and just focused on getting to the office. Sure it was raining and sure my hair was not at all cooperating but I was close to not caring anymore! I just wanted to get it over and done with.

Thankfully, we got to the office dry and fairly presentable. We immediately talked with the person we needed to talk with and took the test, which was fairly easy. After which, the person told us that we needed to go to the main office to take another test, and if possible, an interview.

Again, it was not in the day's plans but sensibilities won over whining. My friend and I decided it would be better if we get things done right away. So we grudgingly went to the main office.

Now maybe it was just my mood, or maybe a lot of things were coming at me from all sides, but my mind blacked out and I forgot where the main office was located even if I knew, I knew, I KNEW where it was. We ended up getting down at the wrong stop and walking a few blocks back to the building.

So FINALLY we got there, and we got to talk with the person in charge. We were given another test -- which was a lot harder than what we were made to take in the other office. I was only able to answer 6 out of 10 questions actually, which I knew wasn't enough to get me in. After the exam was done, the person who administered the test told us she would be tallying the results and depending on how we did, she'd call us up and set us for an interview the next day. We thanked her and left without lingering anymore.

Getting home, the two of us are now fretting about the following day. I'm pretty sure there's very little chance of me getting in, so I won't be surprised if they don't call. I might even be relieved. Sure I'd be disappointed, but not because I didn't get in... but because I put too much trust on the cosmos, and I knew some of my friends were expecting me to get in.

Hey, I screw up too.

While Waiting For The Cosmos

While waiting for the Big Cosmos Push, a meme sounded like a nice thing to do to while away the idle cosmic dust settling in my life. For this to work, one has to Google "[your name] needs" (with the quotation marks) and post the top ten things you like that come up.

- Podi needs to be involved in writing all RFP's out of CMHS. (Because he used to be a member of the CIA who is now working for SD-6.)

- Podi needs butt-plugs up his ass. (Doesn't everyone?)

- Podi needs a new partner, and he seems to be romantically interested in her, too. (Her? What parallel life of mine are we talking about here?)

- Podi needs treatment at a hospital that specializes in training the handicapped. (It's the second most wonderful place on Earth, I've been told.)

- Podi needs Lizzie to impersonate Isabella at a big music awards show. (Meanwhile, his evil twin is plotting the downfall of his multi-million dollar empire.)

- Podi needs to stick some size 9s up his sons' butt cracks. (Serves him right too.)

- Podi needs a makeover himself. (Because the 'tortured artist' act is getting mighty stale.)

- Podi needs meds twice a day and he's supposed to wear an eye patch at night to protect his cornea. (Casting curses and throwing hexes is taking a toll on me. It's not as fun as it was.)

- Podi needs to work toward making commitments to fewer projects so he completes more of the ones he begins. (He also needs to start CHARGING with what little work he's getting.)

- Podi needs some little icon like the smiley face, to know when someone is being sarcastic. (Like thus: >.> Hehehe...)

Sigh... Days of not doing anything but waiting, and I have nothing more to do than a stupid meme. Oh well. Maybe this is the calm before the storm. Better milk it for all it's worth. :-)

Walk The Path Your Way

from the title angel sanctuary. zaphkiel, the great one of thrones,
tells sara to take responsibility of her choices.

Something Undeniably Human

The universe might indeed have plans of making me move, but there is still a chance, however little, that I might counteract. I have made little resistance so far as to how I am being swayed by the tides, but there is still a part of me -- a very childlike part -- that wants to stay put and stop moving.

Once again, after quite a long while, I am at a crossroads. Even if there is no part of me being held down, even if I have no sense of purpose binding me to this life, still I am faced with something undeniably human. A choice.

I am feeling the pressure coming at me from all fronts. And a realization. That there is nothing in this world which can make one feel weakness and strength at the same time; nothing else which can make one feel more alone... than the act of making a choice.

Cosmos help me...

Just What The Doctor Ordered

The universe is out to give me a big, solid push. It's not going to be very pleasant, I just know it. It's going to feel exactly like taking a very large pill. A SUPPOSITORY.

I suppose I should be grateful. After all, I haven't had any anal action in a while.

Tagged Once More

A deep court curtsy to Aajao for tagging me. Apologies for not being able to post my answers right away. Now that I have, I feel like I've accomplished something, if only to justify the hours consumed trying to come up with honest answers. I hope you won't be disappointed. :P

•••
Ten Years Ago: I was 13, freshman in highschool and still safely tucked in my little innocent world. All I knew back then was that the world revolved on studying and getting good grades and pleasing everyone, which I did quite well too. I would have wanted to go back, be like that again. Innocence has its charms after all.

Five years ago: I was 18, a college freshman, and a recovering truant. I had just gone back to school after taking a one-year break from everything and it honestly felt good to have my feet on solid ground again. I was making new friends, rediscovering myself, learning new things, and learning to let go. I didn't know what lay ahead -- which should have been enough to scare me; on the contrary I was looking forward to it. I was young and blind and very, very eager. How foolish it all seemed now.

One year ago: I just finished the client-specific training as an Email Support Agent in PeopleSupport. Once again it was a time of new friends, new experiences, and various changes. I had high hopes that life would be better for me from then on. I still knew that a lot of unexpected things can happen -- that the euphoria I had then wouldn't last, and I couldn't have been more accurate. But I was determined to live in that moment and drown in it for all it was worth. Happiness may be fleeting, but I would never forget it once it has landed on my tongue. My stint in PS might have ended roughly, but still I'm grateful to the cosmos for granting me those wonderful seven months.

Yesterday: Having finished the murals for Azta and having regained my Internet connection at home, I rediscovered the joys of once again surrendering to the deep waves of cyberspace. I caught up in my backlog of articles from Digg and Kinja, answered emails, talked with friends I haven't talked with in a while, and conceptualized a new design for The White Room. I was also thinking of taking on a new job, but it's all still quite vague. Whatever happens in the next few days might decide if I want to stay with graphic designing, or move on to something more, shall we say, regular. Que sera sera.

•••
Five Snacks I Enjoy: Oishi Pillows, Cashew Nuts, Nissins Yakisoba, Rebisco Butter Filling, Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Five Songs Which I've Mastered the Lyrics: You Were Meant For Me by Jewel, The Greatest Story Ever Told by Oliver James, The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice, 20,000 Seconds by K's Choice, Sleeps With Butterflies by Tori Amos.

Five Things I Would Do With 100 Million Dollars: Make sure my family and friends are living safely and comfortably, invest in a business so the money keeps on moving and doesn't run out, build a school (but not just an ordinary school... I still have to solidify what sets it apart, although I already have an idea in mind), fund research on finding the cure for deadly diseases, buy a secret island for myself where I can retreat when the world gets noisy.

Five Places I Would Run Away To: My room, the Internet, Jaime C. Velasquez Park in Salcedo, Baywalk, and a secret hiding place.

Five Things I Would Never Wear: I could agree to wearing almost anything. At this point, I've gone beyond caring. LOL.

Five Favorite TV Shows: I don't watch TV.

Five Bad Habits: It's only bad when you feel guilt afterwards.

Five Biggest Joys: Sailormoon, blueberry cheesecake, falling in love, laughing with friends, shaking down the stars.

Five Favorite Toys: It would be improper to mention their names wouldn't it? ;-)

Five Fictional Characters I Would Date: Chiba Mamoru, Monou Fuuma, Tidus, Cedric Diggory, Gotanda (from Haruki Murakami's Dance Dance Dance).

Tagging: Hono'o-chan, Phillip, Paul, Prinz, Alvin.

The House Inside The Dream

My dreams have been becoming... interesting lately. Not at all weird, as again, saying dreams are weird is redundant. Interesting in a way that it has an actual plot or at least a semblance thereof. Ordinary dreams are usually just fragmentary and fleeting, while interesting dreams have stories and are more vivid, such as the one I had last night.

In a nutshell, the setting was all very similar to a cross between Big Brother and Battle Royale -- which was odd in itself since I don't watch Big Brother at all, although I know the general premise of the show.

Anyway, I was with ten others in a very large, very Victorian-type house (which, for the purposes of this narration, will be referred to from here on as The House). One of them I knew -- a classmate from when I was still studying in Don Bosco. One looks like someone from the Middle East, one oddly resembles Paris Hilton (but I'm sure was Filipina), and the others... I don't exactly remember but are of various age range and nationality.

I felt a shift and it seemed like we were inside The House for several days already. Some were exploring the grounds, and the others were talking or doing something else. Overall however, The House was very quiet. The silence was thick and as oppressive as the forest surrounding it. It was very creepy.

Another shift and I saw the Middle Eastern guy. He was inside a poorly lit room, doubled over in pain, and coughing terribly. A few more minutes of misery and blood was spewing out from his mouth. His eyes widened as a last futile act of plea for release, and seconds after, he was gone. I almost felt his soul being wrenched out of him, like a miasma of acid green poison. I knew someone poisoned him.

Shift, and I was with my other companions. We were talking about the Middle Eastern guy and how all of us should be careful. One of the guys, a tall Caucasian man, stood up and said he was going to scout the place. The girl who looked like Paris Hilton went with him and the rest of us stayed put. My (un)consciousness went with them. I somehow knew they both liked each other, so it was not surprising that the girl went with the guy. Also, I knew they were not coming back.

A shift brought me to a room where the tall Caucasian guy was. Somehow, Paris-girl wasn't with him. He was in a similar room where the Middle Eastern guy was before, and it seemed like he was aware of a strange presence inside the room. I felt it too. He was in combat stance, ready to fight, and absolutely no trace of fear marking his hard face. At the same time, I felt the strange presence circling him, like a wild cat surveying its prey, silent and watchful. Without warning, everything went dark. The last I saw was a streak of red lining one of the walls, and it was over.

Shift. Paris-girl was in another room. She was shouting the tall Caucasian's name. I feel another presence but this time, it wasn't singular. It was a multitude of intangible threats, slowly advancing towards the girl. I wanted to warn the girl, make her aware of the danger even if there was no hope of escape. The girl kept on screaming the guy's name. She only felt the presence at the final moment when, with a shocked look on her face, she suppressed a gasp. A heartbeat, and it was done.

Shift. It was a few days after the deaths of our companions and we were still talking nonstop about it, grimly concluding that we were here to be murdered. Though most probably, as with similar (but less dire) situations, there might be a sinister purpose from the people who run The House to leave just one of us alive.

However, for a reason we can't explain, we felt that the killings that have happened seemed highly... irregular. Like it wasn't actually caused by the owner of The House. Like it was done by some other entity. Which makes the situation complicated not only for us guests, but also for the owner of The House. Someone else was with us in The House, and wants us all dead. All of us decided to stick together from then on, and to trust only each other.

Once again, I felt a shift. No murders happened for almost a week, but we were still as guarded as ever. The eight of us who were left settled down for another quiet dinner, in our minds counting down how many more dinners each of us still had left to enjoy. I was seated at one end of the table and to my right was my highschool classmate. He was particularly very attentive, something I didn't notice at all until that night.

Now that I was thinking about it, he has indeed been giving me attention more than what he normally used to -- always asking how I was doing, keeping me company wherever I went, being generally protective, and even smiling carelessly at the most unexpected of times. While processing thoughts of a dawning realization, I wasn't even aware of the oblivious expression I had on because I was caught off-guard when I noticed him looking amusedly back at me. Apparently he was done putting food on my plate and was now filling my glass with wine. "What?" he asked, smiling.

I was already saying one half of "I'm fine" in response when I noticed a red glow surrounding him. Suddenly his smile was gone, to be replaced by a shocked expression marring his face. And it seemed like the flow of time slowed down to accommodate all the thoughts it had to cram inside my head, and everything went quiet...

It wasn't until I heard the crash of the wine bottle on the floor when I snapped back to my senses and saw that only his clothes were left beside me. The rest of him dissolved into ashes. The screams of my companions didn't even register until someone took my arm and pulled me up off from my seat and told me to run. I couldn't at first, but upon standing, I was being pushed by two of my other friends forward so I did. They were hysterical, and the panic in the air compelled me to follow them.

While we were running, I remember I kept on repeating, "What happened, what happened, what happened..." And they told me, quite breathlessly, that four of our companions just suddenly dissolved into ashes. That there were only four of us left, and that they were intent on getting out of The House by whatever means possible.

We came to a glass wall -- which they promptly landed a blow on, but was only successful in hurting themselves. Driven by adrenalin, they got up and started punching and kicking the glass wall again.

I was still out of sorts, still thinking about my highschool classmate, still processing every bit of data crammed in my head. I could feel the panic which was apparently driving my friends into a frenzy building up inside me as well, still quite muted by my current thoughts.

I punched the glass wall. "We're getting out of here," I whispered. And I saw a crack on the wall where my punch has landed.

A shift. And then I woke up.