Still Hoping This Isn't A Joke

This was supposed to be a "rant" journal entry, but fortunately this txt message got to me on time:

Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. Know a good thing when you see it, and don't let it slip away. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth your while.

Yesterday morning I was doing my job as per usual. Checking the attendance, doing my first hourly report for the day, and making sure the first few escalations were not expiring.

Two agents were absent and a couple were late -- nothing obtrusive. Queue activity was normal, and the volume was manageable -- if not relatively easy. Escalations on the other hand were the usual "please advise," or "two e-coupons please." Inane. Run-of-the-mill. Ordinary.

At this point, maybe I could say that finally, after weeks of being a total wreck, it seems that I'm starting to get settled in with my job as a Lead. I promised myself I was letting it all go, surrendering -- albeit with much kicking and screaming -- to the cosmos; willing to let it have its way with me however it may see fit. Finally, I relent and accept that this is how it's supposed to be.

Apparently I was wrong.

I slumped down on my chair slack-jawed and still in shock about the news my supervisor told me -- that I have just been appointed as THE trainor for our program. As a matter of fact, a senior trainor for the company was on his way to tell me all about the shit I'd have to put up with from then on, as well as how I'm supposed to deal with said shit.

All at once the voices in my head started their riotous orchestra of hoots and screeches and other unintelligible shrieks of protest. Alarms and sirens were going off all over the place, and a cacophony of horns were blowing without thought or warning.

It was so noisy; I don't know what to think anymore; everything was happening way over my head; so much so that when the senior agent got to my area, the only thing I managed to say to him was, "With all due respect, I don't know jack shit about my job description anymore."

Despite that little mental/verbal slip, he simply chuckled it off as if I meant to be funny (I didn't), proceeded to give me the manual (read: v. v. thick), and orient me on what I'll be doing from then on. Good thing even if my mind was still racing, at least I more or less caught on what he meant to say.

In a nutshell, there's no stopping for breath, Podi. You've gotten this far without royally screwing anything up as of yet, haven't you? It's obvious the universe is toying with you but really, in the long run, does it matter?

Case in point: you didn't want this job but you still got it. You didn't want to be a Lead but it was still given to you. Now, the universe knows you wanted to be a trainor EVENTUALLY but since it knows it won't be happening any time soon if they left it up to you, they gave the circumstances a slight nudge to make it go your way. So, after three months, THIS. Will you still question it?

You know everything happens for a reason, Podi. You're stupid, but not stupid enough to let something like this pass. You PROMISED the universe you'd let it take care of you. You gave your trust. Again, it won't be easy but IT'S GOING TO BE WORTH YOUR WHILE. You might not be taking one step at a time as you're supposed to be doing and instead, making terrifying leaps and bounds... but really, in the end, what matters right? How you deal with it.

Stop fighting, Podi. Let it change your life.

I Am That I Am

Got this from hono'o-chan, who got this from maleficent, who said she got this from a Native American website years ago. Please read, and find strength. :-)

•••
The Gifts of Being Gay: Letting Go of Fear
Cristi Jenkins

1.
I am not gay because I want to shame you. Though it may be so in your eyes, that is not why I call myself your daughter... or your son.

I am not gay because I want to dishonor you, or because I do not want to please you, or fail to give you reason to be proud of me -- though you may perceive it as so. I wish that I could live my life to make you happy, but to do so would be at my expense -- and that is not healthy for either of us.

I am not gay to prove that you may only see what you want to see, for that is not my choice but yours.

I am not gay to cause you to worry though there maybe just cause, for harassment and homophobia are realities, but I do not call my self I AM to shrivel behind the fear of what might be.

I am not gay for you to trample on my heart and to ignore my attempts to communicate who I am. Although you may perceive it as your parental right, that is not why you may call me your son or daughter.

I am not gay to find pleasure in the fact that you fear me, but would ask that you look beyond my sexuality as being an issue of right or wrong; but rather as what is -- the reality of our lives -- whether together, or apart.


2.
I am not gay just to claim that you are intolerant, though you may deny it is so. For I believe the creator loves all people equally -- not one race above another, not one religion above another, not one person above another.

I am not gay to be in need of being saved or corrected when you think that you are wiser than I and can now somehow speak for and use the self-imposed, privileged argument called "GOD". Though you may think that this is your special calling or divine right, and may perceive it as such; your words spoken largely out of fear, are just words, your opinion. For who I truly am is holy and my path sacred -- only I can walk therein and divinely know that what I travel is true and good.

I am not gay to ask for people's scorn, or for their pity, though you may perceive that I am now deceived and have somehow lost my way from the one-and-only-true-path-to-god, I assure that the path I walk is truly one of peace and love.

I am not gay to find pleasure in rebelling against the family's way-of-life, the religious mandates for over four generations, etched deeply in our identity, the essence of who we have been, and for some -- who we will always be.

I am not gay to cause you grief because I no longer call myself a christian, and that is not why I call myself enlightened. And although I do not agree with all that you taught me, I honor your right to live your lives as you see fit for your highest good. Please understand that your idea of what is the highest good good is for me, is not necessarily the same in my eyes. I ask for your blessing in living my life as I create and claim my own happiness.

I am not gay to be a sinner, or the devil, or the scapegoat for all the perceived immoral pitfalls of society. Though you may perceive it to be so, I have found that happiness lies within one's self, in seeking personal responsibility in all aspects of one's life, and in not blaming someone or something else for one's perceived unhappiness. We create what we experience.

I am not gay to try to snuff out organized religion, though you may act as if the threat is great. I simply ask to question the function of patriarchal rules, set to keep the sexes unbalanced, creating oppression and inequality in the name of a controlling, often condemning, human-made religion. Why can't it be different?

I am not gay to enjoy being seen as a threat to a specific belief system, but when society claims that I should not be allowed to freely be and love as all people, then in truth I must say, this cannot be tolerated.


3.
I am not gay to close to my eyes to injustice, for I see and live in a world or injustice everyday.

I am not gay to crusade to recruit others to change their sexuality, though you may trivialize orientation as merely a choice; but having felt the difference in my life for years -- and out of fear denied, I offer compassion to those who recognize this sameness and thus extend a ray of hope that peace and spiritual wholeness can be found in accepting one's self in its divine totality.

I am not gay because I hate myself nor the opposite gender, though you may perceive it as so. It is not why I choose to honor both the male and female energies, nurturing balance within, thus embracing life as whole and full of divine possibility.

I am not gay to threaten the love between a male and female, family or kin - to negate in any way the beauty, health, and strength found in loving relationships. I live everyday to embrace the benefits of divine love in all aspects of our world, and such declare myself worthy and equal to the human race in freely expressing my need and right to love and intimate connection. (see Dean Ornish's book, "Love and Survival, the Scientific Basis for the Healing Power of Intimacy", HarperCollins, 1998.)

I am not gay because you say I desire to molest children. Though unjust and empirically incorrect, you may claim it is so to create fear through hysteria and ignorance. *I do not desire to love and nurture children to cause them harm. My fight to them is to provide support, to nurture their strengths and soul essences without condemnation of ways in which they may differ from myself. For I deeply know the pain of parental rejection and remember the saving phrase of the few nonjudgmental adults in my growing-up years, "Who you are is okay, and we love you exactly as you are."

*(The large majority of pedophiles are heterosexual males perpetrating against female children. Gay people are no more likely to molest children than are heterosexual people. See Out in all Directions, the Almanac of Gay and Lesbian America; Lynn Witt, Sherry Thomas, Eric Marcus eds,; "Most Common Myths" Warner Books, p.359)

I am not gay to be seen as an inept parent, though you may claim this is so. As in any family, it is a consistently loving and supportive environment which fosters optimal growth in human beings -- not one's sexual orientation.

*(Ample studies, over 70 in one compilation, show that children of homosexual parents are as healthy as children of heterosexual parents. See Diversity, Boise, ID May 1997.)

I am not gay to hide or believe that any part of my life is a mistake, for I too am created and called "good" by the creator, and I refuse to buy into the argument that I am biologically or spiritually inferior. I am who I am supposed to be -- a gift, a life in loving totality.

I am not gay to ignore that I can make a difference, though you may wish that I remain unseen. For I claim the endowment, the perceptions, and keen awareness of being opposite-gendered, and as such see ways where balance and wholeness are possible in our world, for I have found it in myself first.

I am not gay because I fear the "wrath of god", for I have only known the sting of human condemnation, for the god within is love, and THAT is why I honor who I AM!


4.
I am gay because I am no better or worse than another human being -- I AM.

I am gay because I have questioned why I have not felt peace at times in my life, for I have learned to honor and trust the answers from my heart as true and good.

I am gay because I no longer choose to run from life, where fear fails to dictate how I think and act.

I am gay because I have realized it is more important to call forth and walk in the energy of who I AM as opposed to what people say I should be.

I am gay because I understand that the love of god cannot be confined to one religion or belief system.

I am gay because I know the creator loves all people equally, where there is no judgment of "good" or "bad," "right" or "wrong"; where such judgments do not exist; where here and now can be filled with joy, for we call it to be ourselves.

I am gay because I have questioned societal rules, for the questioning has revealed that the rules themselves often cause us to fear one another.

I am gay because the journey, though difficult at times, has taught me that we are not so different, that most of us in one way or the other are taking what life gives us and trying to build strength from it.

I am gay because I have walked through the fear, and learned to extend my love to all creations, and in creating balance, I find the beauty of who I am, as well as see it in who we are -- as family.

I AM that I AM.

Sleep, Like I Have Never Slept Before

It wasn't the most comfortable sleep, but at least I was able to, finally. Saturday night after work, I met up with friends from my previous job for an evening drive to Tagaytay. Had dinner, drinks, coffee, trickled with hilarious conversations until the wee hours of Sunday morning. They brought me back home just in time for me to take a quick bath and make myself remotely sober for work.

The whole day went by like a hastily made-up dream -- the kind where you feel like you've been drugged, everything's all hazy, and it seems as if everyone's secretly plotting your death, butcher knives behind their backs and sinister plans behind innocent smiles.

All in all it was Totally Awesome. I loved every paranoia-inducing second of it. But like all things bright and beautiful, it was all over before I even had the chance to enjoy it, and enjoy it the right way. At 6PM I was already in bed, sleeping, and drifting off to another kind of dream.

Twelve hours later, waking up, I feel absolutely fine. Drugged no more, I wade through the ocean of wires in my room. There's a faraway song playing in my head -- a sign that I'm leaving another evening behind. I chuckle involuntarily as I open the window. Dream or not, another day is about to begin.

Familiar Tremors

Finally got myself another day off from work. Spent the whole morning downloading updates for the new-old lappie. My sister's friend took off the old hard drive and installed a formatted used one -- so in a way, it's not lappie anymore, but it's still sort of is. Anyway, I'm fine with it for the meantime.

I'm thinking if I should either just upgrade lappie with a brand new hard drive with 80 GB capacity and increase the memory to 512 MB, or just save up and get myself a new desktop computer. So far, I'm leaning towards doing the latter. In any case, both options would still require quite a sum of money so I'm crossing my fingers things pan out well in the next few months.

In the afternoon I got to talk with Oscar after not seeing him for months. He asked me if I would be able to do the website again for this year's Pink Film Festival. I agreed of course. This means I have to brush up on coding and designing again. I hope by the time I have to start getting things up and running I would already have a new computer.

When I got home, I remembered a CD an officemate lent me weeks ago for the movie Bishounen. I wasn't able to watch it before because of lappie's temporal demise, but since lappie's here now and it's still not very late anyway, I thought I'd see it before I sleep...

... which I very much regret doing because NOW, I can't sleep. The familiar noise in my head which I've calmly dealt with over the past few months is now starting to hum once again. I hate it that a movie with beautiful characters, a moving score, and a compelling story can cause such tremors in my mind.

Sigh. Note to self: no more sad movies the night before work week starts.

When It Rains, It Floods 40 Days & 40 Nights

So this is what's been happening thus far.

In my long hiatus from cyberspace, my life has all been about work. I never imagined I would be this seemingly-dedicated to something I don't completely love doing, but apparently, it's happening.

Granted, it's given a somewhat slight tangibility to my then ghost-like existence (and it's beginning to sound like this is going to be One Big-Ass Complain Entry -- really, it's not) but... it just feels like it's still not what I'm meant to do. Or at least not for a long time. There's neither a sense of permanence nor a smidgin of security whenever I see my officemates in the morning, sit down in front of my workstation, and pull up the files needed for the day.

Normally I would say it's such a sad, sad thing. But it seems like in the three months I've been immensely occupied with work, I have managed to consciously and easily set aside any trace of emotion that used to line the cavities of my life. I haven't felt terribly depressed or furiously angry for such a long time. On the other hand, I haven't felt really happy either.

Excited, sure, but it's all work-related: "Great, we're finishing off the queue!" or "Awesome! Our team achieved the highest stats this week!" but never anything from outside work. It's disturbing in a weird way, but it's comforting to know that for once, I didn't have to worry about anything that could totally wreck my entire life, jumping me before I even knew it was coming.

And because of that sense of normalcy, that little climate-controlled world of corporate regularity, I must admit I'm beginning to doubt its reality.

Just recently, some things have happened -- nothing too ominous and out of the ordinary, but still as bad -- that might affect our team's performance which the client might not like. Actually, we're pretty sure they won't like it at all. We're all telling ourselves these little explosions are only normal and are merely growing pains a young account goes through. But STILL. We can't be sure of anything until the client gives the final word on February.

Anyway, from what's been happening, it feels like our hold on this account is slipping everyday. When that happens, I'm not sure if I've put up a strong enough foundation in me just yet to survive the ensuing quake. If not... well, it's back to what I've been used to doing -- staying home, in my room, waiting. (In retrospect, the things we do are simply different forms of waiting, ne?)

But if in the miraculous event that I do manage to survive, well... let's hope that doesn't kill things in me I'd rather have alive.

•••
ASIDE: I know I don't have the customary Christmas and New Year posts, and I want to say it's because I've been busy with work, but honestly it's because of one very painful fact.

Lappie -- my companion, friend, brother, lover -- died Christmas day.

Let's all take a moment... :'(