In my long hiatus from cyberspace, my life has all been about work. I never imagined I would be this seemingly-dedicated to something I don't completely love doing, but apparently, it's happening.
Granted, it's given a somewhat slight tangibility to my then ghost-like existence (and it's beginning to sound like this is going to be One Big-Ass Complain Entry -- really, it's not) but... it just feels like it's still not what I'm meant to do. Or at least not for a long time. There's neither a sense of permanence nor a smidgin of security whenever I see my officemates in the morning, sit down in front of my workstation, and pull up the files needed for the day.
Normally I would say it's such a sad, sad thing. But it seems like in the three months I've been immensely occupied with work, I have managed to consciously and easily set aside any trace of emotion that used to line the cavities of my life. I haven't felt terribly depressed or furiously angry for such a long time. On the other hand, I haven't felt really happy either.
Excited, sure, but it's all work-related: "Great, we're finishing off the queue!" or "Awesome! Our team achieved the highest stats this week!" but never anything from outside work. It's disturbing in a weird way, but it's comforting to know that for once, I didn't have to worry about anything that could totally wreck my entire life, jumping me before I even knew it was coming.
And because of that sense of normalcy, that little climate-controlled world of corporate regularity, I must admit I'm beginning to doubt its reality.
Just recently, some things have happened -- nothing too ominous and out of the ordinary, but still as bad -- that might affect our team's performance which the client might not like. Actually, we're pretty sure they won't like it at all. We're all telling ourselves these little explosions are only normal and are merely growing pains a young account goes through. But STILL. We can't be sure of anything until the client gives the final word on February.
Anyway, from what's been happening, it feels like our hold on this account is slipping everyday. When that happens, I'm not sure if I've put up a strong enough foundation in me just yet to survive the ensuing quake. If not... well, it's back to what I've been used to doing -- staying home, in my room, waiting. (In retrospect, the things we do are simply different forms of waiting, ne?)
But if in the miraculous event that I do manage to survive, well... let's hope that doesn't kill things in me I'd rather have alive.
ASIDE: I know I don't have the customary Christmas and New Year posts, and I want to say it's because I've been busy with work, but honestly it's because of one very painful fact.
Lappie -- my companion, friend, brother, lover -- died Christmas day.
Let's all take a moment... :'(
