This is not the life you're supposed to be living, Podi. Whose life is this? This isn't yours. Whose dreams are you living? Whose clothes are you wearing? This isn't your dream. This life isn't yours. This isn't you.
Who are you?
Whoever you are, you're feeling it, aren't you? You're wondering, is it just beginning? Or has it always been there? This life you're in -- this pseudo reality -- it's starting to unravel. Like loose threads of an old skein, your life is slipping through your fingers.
Sure you're holding everything together now. And maybe you can keep yourself intact. But for how long?
I can hear you breathing, Podi. I can feel your doubt. No more lies, you said. No more lies. Riddle me this, riddle me that.
What are you going to do Podi? Where are you going? Who are you?
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Pride Rock
I honestly just want to get along with people. Honestly. I don't even want people to like me. Just, "Hey look, it's Podi," and then they'd get on with their lives. I don't want to aggravate anyone or make anyone think that I'm trouble.
But there are certain times when I can't help being enraged -- either by something or by someone -- and let my emotions fly out like some hundred runaway kites in a Pacific thunderstorm.
This afternoon, I took one more victim. I didn't mean to. I was having an OK day -- planning on opening my own bank account (after 23 years, I know), buying a new book, and visiting a friend at the hospital. But there really are some people who, no matter how painfully I strive for cosmic harmony, just grate my nerves by merely expressing an iota of their existence in my life.
I look up to people for their skill, their individuality, their faith, their principle, among other things... but if I sense a trace of doubt -- if that person can't make me believe s/he is worth following -- even if it just barely hinted its existence within, then I apologize but my respect will waver.
I realize this is not necessarily a good thing on my part. And I understand I only see my side of things. But believe me when I say I know what I'm doing. I know in my heart I do. And I will not compromise my principles for anything. Especially not for someone like YOU.
But there are certain times when I can't help being enraged -- either by something or by someone -- and let my emotions fly out like some hundred runaway kites in a Pacific thunderstorm.
This afternoon, I took one more victim. I didn't mean to. I was having an OK day -- planning on opening my own bank account (after 23 years, I know), buying a new book, and visiting a friend at the hospital. But there really are some people who, no matter how painfully I strive for cosmic harmony, just grate my nerves by merely expressing an iota of their existence in my life.
I look up to people for their skill, their individuality, their faith, their principle, among other things... but if I sense a trace of doubt -- if that person can't make me believe s/he is worth following -- even if it just barely hinted its existence within, then I apologize but my respect will waver.
I realize this is not necessarily a good thing on my part. And I understand I only see my side of things. But believe me when I say I know what I'm doing. I know in my heart I do. And I will not compromise my principles for anything. Especially not for someone like YOU.
High on Diesel and Gasoline
The world could have ended. It could have exploded in so much cosmic dust floating in the wastelands of outer space. It could have fallen down the rabid hole and gone completely insane. I didn't care. I was drunk and high on chocolate and cherry-laced vodka. I have never felt more harmonized with the cosmos.
Who needs love? Give me a slammer anytime.
__________
PS: I visited my highschool last Friday by the way. It's very different now, but the memories I chose to leave there were still hanging about the empty spaces. So real and solid that the air seemed almost electric... dissonant... even terribly imposing. I wonder if the stuff I felt were just mine? Or if some belonged to other, lonelier kids who came after me?
Who needs love? Give me a slammer anytime.
__________
PS: I visited my highschool last Friday by the way. It's very different now, but the memories I chose to leave there were still hanging about the empty spaces. So real and solid that the air seemed almost electric... dissonant... even terribly imposing. I wonder if the stuff I felt were just mine? Or if some belonged to other, lonelier kids who came after me?
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
A Little Instance of Love
So I got it on with lappie and a bag of chewy chocolate chip cookies yesterday and had my Annual Movie Marathon from late afternoon until midnight. Last year I watched the complete series of Angels in America, and Home at the End of the World. Yesterday, it was Lola + Bilidikid, Blue Citrus Hearts, and Torch Song Trilogy.
Suffice it to say I'm still feeling quite... raw from the emotional roller coaster ride watching the three movies gave me. But it was Valentine's after all. We have license to be reckless with our emotions and no one will question it, as opposed to any other day. Although I am, however, more inclined to believing a friend who said "we should celebrate love any day, for no particular reason -- not just for one day and because the whole world tells us to."
He's right of course. And, like a small candle within a cold, dark room, I hope that once in a while, people see that wee flicker of what we once want -- what we now have forgotten -- even just for a little while. Because like in the three movies I have just seen, a little while of love makes a world of difference to whole lot of lives.
Suffice it to say I'm still feeling quite... raw from the emotional roller coaster ride watching the three movies gave me. But it was Valentine's after all. We have license to be reckless with our emotions and no one will question it, as opposed to any other day. Although I am, however, more inclined to believing a friend who said "we should celebrate love any day, for no particular reason -- not just for one day and because the whole world tells us to."
He's right of course. And, like a small candle within a cold, dark room, I hope that once in a while, people see that wee flicker of what we once want -- what we now have forgotten -- even just for a little while. Because like in the three movies I have just seen, a little while of love makes a world of difference to whole lot of lives.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Idleness Is The Devil's Plaything
I have to say it's really a very stressful task keeping the sine waves of my life humming a constant, normal beat. I had no idea being cool and calm was this daunting and meticulous. Although I have to admit, I am liking the results; but sometimes it feels like I'm walking the plank -- a whole ocean of uncertainty ready to swallow me up with one small misstep, one missed heartbeat.
Yes, in part I'm talking about work. Work has been normal for the past month, and none of those dreadful thoughts of losing my job have been hovering over my head like a persistent black cloud. Even if there is still that possibility, I've learned to accept things the way they are and I'm feeling a little OK about the whole deal already. So no problems with that particular aspect of my life.
Another part -- one that's a bit harder to put up with -- is when I'm not working. When I'm not in the office. When I'm just here, in my room, with nothing to do. These are the moments I'm finding especially difficult to deal with. Why? Because in four words: It Makes Me Horny.
I hate it when I'm horny. The natural god-like shimmer about my person when I'm usually seen standing tall and proud? It disappears when I'm horny. Instead, my body feels like it's been caked with mud, and I am compelled to prostrate myself, sully myself even further because I deserve to be punished, debased, and humiliated -- the filthy person that I am.
Damn. See what I mean? I abso-fuckin-lutely hate it. I need more friends to go out with. But because of the schedule I have (I work 2:30 PM - 11:30 PM, with Mondays and Tuesdays as my days off), most of my friends are busy when I'm not.
Sigh, life. You never make things easy, do you?
Yes, in part I'm talking about work. Work has been normal for the past month, and none of those dreadful thoughts of losing my job have been hovering over my head like a persistent black cloud. Even if there is still that possibility, I've learned to accept things the way they are and I'm feeling a little OK about the whole deal already. So no problems with that particular aspect of my life.
Another part -- one that's a bit harder to put up with -- is when I'm not working. When I'm not in the office. When I'm just here, in my room, with nothing to do. These are the moments I'm finding especially difficult to deal with. Why? Because in four words: It Makes Me Horny.
I hate it when I'm horny. The natural god-like shimmer about my person when I'm usually seen standing tall and proud? It disappears when I'm horny. Instead, my body feels like it's been caked with mud, and I am compelled to prostrate myself, sully myself even further because I deserve to be punished, debased, and humiliated -- the filthy person that I am.
Damn. See what I mean? I abso-fuckin-lutely hate it. I need more friends to go out with. But because of the schedule I have (I work 2:30 PM - 11:30 PM, with Mondays and Tuesdays as my days off), most of my friends are busy when I'm not.
Sigh, life. You never make things easy, do you?
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Speak No Evil
Having been awake since 1 in the morning, I think I might have said a few things about some of my teammates I will regret in the coming days. The intoxicating feeling of being deprived of proper sleep may take me to emotional highs akin to being drunk, but the laser precision of truths I am prone to disclosing can be as scathing as any dirty little secret -- however vicious and cruel -- ever to have existed in the universe.
I know an apology is worth nothing faced with a truth revealed, but please forgive me for not being able to keep it hidden as I should have.
I know an apology is worth nothing faced with a truth revealed, but please forgive me for not being able to keep it hidden as I should have.