I have to say it's really a very stressful task keeping the sine waves of my life humming a constant, normal beat. I had no idea being cool and calm was this daunting and meticulous. Although I have to admit, I am liking the results; but sometimes it feels like I'm walking the plank -- a whole ocean of uncertainty ready to swallow me up with one small misstep, one missed heartbeat.
Yes, in part I'm talking about work. Work has been normal for the past month, and none of those dreadful thoughts of losing my job have been hovering over my head like a persistent black cloud. Even if there is still that possibility, I've learned to accept things the way they are and I'm feeling a little OK about the whole deal already. So no problems with that particular aspect of my life.
Another part -- one that's a bit harder to put up with -- is when I'm not working. When I'm not in the office. When I'm just here, in my room, with nothing to do. These are the moments I'm finding especially difficult to deal with. Why? Because in four words: It Makes Me Horny.
I hate it when I'm horny. The natural god-like shimmer about my person when I'm usually seen standing tall and proud? It disappears when I'm horny. Instead, my body feels like it's been caked with mud, and I am compelled to prostrate myself, sully myself even further because I deserve to be punished, debased, and humiliated -- the filthy person that I am.
Damn. See what I mean? I abso-fuckin-lutely hate it. I need more friends to go out with. But because of the schedule I have (I work 2:30 PM - 11:30 PM, with Mondays and Tuesdays as my days off), most of my friends are busy when I'm not.
Sigh, life. You never make things easy, do you?
