to these hands
to your heart,
take all the love you need
and pass it on.
You would have loved it, R.
Sunday, October 29, 2006
The Circle Is Open But Unbroken
Even if it only happens once a year, the deep and subtle magic of Samhain remains. And last night, Hono'o-chan has once again affirmed this for all of us who attended the gathering. The ritual was no less a wonderful experience -- even if it were more informal -- than last year's, and the feast was absolutely good both to see and taste. There were new friends to connect with, and old ones that were missed, and on each one's lips at the end of the evening were the words:
From my heart
to these hands
to your heart,
take all the love you need
and pass it on.
You would have loved it, R.
to these hands
to your heart,
take all the love you need
and pass it on.
You would have loved it, R.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Memory Is My Pill
I have to commit what happened tonight to memory, and that is why I'm doing this now -- getting into the room -- before anything else.
No, nothing majorly major happened. As a matter of fact, I shouldn't really be making a big deal out of this. But for my sake, I WANT to make a big deal out of it, because I need to learn something from it. That's why here I am, now, writing about it before doing anything else.
OK. So, after going to the rather uneventful Komikon in UP Diliman (except of course seeing Carl again), a friend, whom we shall refer to as L, and I decided to have dinner at Katipunan while waiting for another friend of mine, V, whom I asked to accompany me to a friend's girlfriend's birthday party in Acropolis in Libis.
After much deliberation on how we can effectively budget our dwindling funds to buy us a filling yet inexpensive meal (bless the Greenwich counter girl who put up with our fickle-mindedness), we both decided on getting something light since I will be eating at the party, and L will be eating at home. Shortly after receiving our orders, V arrived and joined us for dinner as well. The party thing was supposed to start at 8:00 PM and it was already 7:30, but since I wanted to be as late as possible, I asked L to read my cards for me once again.
At first I promised myself not to ask anything about R, so I didn't. Instead I asked about work, and the cards said nothing conclusive about it. Oh, just that my life is currently very boring. (Like I needed a bunch of mean and stupid cards to tell it to my face, right. But anyway...) I also asked if I'll be dating someone soon and the cards said no (big surprise there). Upside is I'll be having sex with someone in the near future (about damn time).
And, after the inevitable fall of my already crumbling resolve into so much useless emotional gravel, I ended up asking about R. Suffice it to say, L was quite annoyed (because I have been talking about nothing else everytime we're together) and amused (because he enjoys seeing me suffer), but he read the cards anyway. Alas, once again, the cards told me what I already knew. That the things making me suffer are of my own creation.
With the usual groan of disappointment which I had been quite used to doing of late, I dismissed it as wise but nothing really new. It had no new help for my conviction to build something stronger on to aid my eternal battle against the cruel machinations of love and relationships.
After that short episode of me affirming my misery to the world once again, L and V moved on to more important and socially-relevant topics such as achieving that supermodel glamour through glutathione and diamond peel. I listened cluelessly but attentively, amusing myself with how excited the two were getting. It appeared the night will continue to be uneventful, but we all settled into a nice and complacent fine-we're-not-complaining mood for the rest of dinner.
But a-HA. The plot is yet to thicken. The universe wasn't quite through with me yet after all. At around 8:30-something, I told the guys it was already time for V and I to head for the party. The three of us stepped out of Greenwich into the cooling October evening air, with minimal hopes of the night getting any better -- or worse, for that matter. L said he needed to buy smokes before going home so we walked the short distance to a small sidewalk vendor, and there, in front of National Bookstore, I saw R walking towards the direction opposite us.
At first I thought it wasn't him. But second after leadened second, it slowly sunk into me that yes, the person several feet away from me was indeed R. He saw me. I was almost absolutely and positively sure that he saw me, but it only took an eighth of a second for him to avert his eyes and look as if he didn't see me, so it's still possible that he didn't.
But oh, how I felt the air in the distance between us tense so vividly as he inadvertently turned and headed inside National Bookstore for sanctuary. It was like stones dropping onto my hands, the way each of his footsteps fell -- so controlled and deliberate, from casual and nonchalant moments ago. And it paralysed me out of my wits.
My brain was trying to register something V said. "Oh God," I think it was. "Podi, it's R."
"I know," said a voice that was mine, only coming from a distant planet inside me. I gripped at V's shoulders and hid my face in shame.
L's tarot readings poured over my memory slowly like old wine, medicinal and intoxicating at the same time. The things making me suffer are of my own creation. And, hard as it was for me to swallow the simple and seemingly trivial statement, I had to accept the bitter truth in it.
Why is it true?
Alright Podi, listen up. You need to remember this, that's why you're writing down what happened tonight.
One: in Baguio, it was already made clear by R for you not to take him seriously because he cannot -- repeat, CANNOT -- be in a relationship. True, you were not able to accept this from him before, dismissing it as complete crap, but after talking with him about it -- yes, you TALKED, and don't deny it for the sake of drama -- you said you understood him and you accepted the cannot-ness of it all.
Two: he accepts you as a friend, and he says he cares for you, even going to the extent of saying he "loves" you (with the complementary "but not in that way" add-on), and once again, you ACCEPTED it. You admitted to yourself this is better than losing him completely. You said you cannot ever abandon him just because your, well, love for him is incongruent with his love for you. AND it is your firm belief that it is completely and utterly selfish of someone to abandon someone they love, whatever kind it may be.
Three: he is moving on with his life. AND it is entirely possible that he is seeing other people too. As a matter of fact he is! He told you so himself, right? Of course, with his usual disclaimer being that he doesn't see the person "in that way," or he "cannot be in a relationship." Still you get jealous, sure, but by what cosmic right do you have to harbor such a destructive, dark emotion? Because you love him? Fine. F I N E. We're past that. You love him. You made the decision to do so, and everything was right with the world.
HOWEVER, while the universe agrees that it is in perfect harmony with nature to love someone as fiercely as you do, it does not mean you will stagnantly burn yourself with the intensity of such love for the rest of your sorry, sad life. MOVE ON, PARE. It is still possible to love someone completely, and yourself at the same time! Despite its endless complexities, pure love is undoubtedly boundless!
Look, if you don't believe me, then believe in Sailor Moon. Remember that episode in PGSM when Usagi saw Mamoru and his then girlfriend, whatserface, lying unconscious because of another youma attack? It nearly broke your heart when you saw Mamoru's hands gripping whatserface's own! Poor Usagi-chan, she must be dying inside! BUT NO. Instead, Usagi... smiled. A gentle smile. And I'm not bullshitting here, but it really was the kind of smile that would wrap itself around your little heart like a warm, little blanket, and you never ever want to leave. It was that kind of smile. Anyway, she knelt before them and said, "Loving someone... that's something good isn't it?" And she, with her own as yet unawakened power, healed the two completely.
And it killed you. The concept of a love so limitless, so boundless as someone only Usagi could have afforded to feel crushed you to a million little pieces. No, she did not telekinetically smash a hundred wooden chairs into Mamo-chan's body. And no, she did not impale whatserface endlessly with an array of iron spikes and jam the Moon Sceptre up her ass for good measure, all in a torrent of rage and jealousy. But because she is Sailor Moon, she accepted the love the two felt for each other and used that love to heal them both. That is her power -- limitless, boundless love.
Now the point of the whole story is this. You love R, Podi. But please, for the sake of all that is good on this Earth, do not burn because of it. ACCEPT IT. Be happy that you have achieved the victory of falling in love with someone. In this sick, sad, crazy world we live in, love has been mutated and mutilated an infinite number of times, it's hard to tell what is true and what is not anymore. But you -- YOU know this is love. Draw strength from it, and live your life knowing that you have achieved this victory.
As for R not loving you back, well, in the end, does it really matter? It could hurt, yes, but before being reactive about it, try to understand where the hurt is really coming from. Once you understand it, you will realize that the point is you're happy when he's happy. And when he's happy, nothing else really matters much, right?
So be happy for R, and go on living your life. After all, despite all the things you've gone through, and despite the situation you are in now, you, of all people, deserve to be happy too.
No, nothing majorly major happened. As a matter of fact, I shouldn't really be making a big deal out of this. But for my sake, I WANT to make a big deal out of it, because I need to learn something from it. That's why here I am, now, writing about it before doing anything else.
OK. So, after going to the rather uneventful Komikon in UP Diliman (except of course seeing Carl again), a friend, whom we shall refer to as L, and I decided to have dinner at Katipunan while waiting for another friend of mine, V, whom I asked to accompany me to a friend's girlfriend's birthday party in Acropolis in Libis.
After much deliberation on how we can effectively budget our dwindling funds to buy us a filling yet inexpensive meal (bless the Greenwich counter girl who put up with our fickle-mindedness), we both decided on getting something light since I will be eating at the party, and L will be eating at home. Shortly after receiving our orders, V arrived and joined us for dinner as well. The party thing was supposed to start at 8:00 PM and it was already 7:30, but since I wanted to be as late as possible, I asked L to read my cards for me once again.
At first I promised myself not to ask anything about R, so I didn't. Instead I asked about work, and the cards said nothing conclusive about it. Oh, just that my life is currently very boring. (Like I needed a bunch of mean and stupid cards to tell it to my face, right. But anyway...) I also asked if I'll be dating someone soon and the cards said no (big surprise there). Upside is I'll be having sex with someone in the near future (about damn time).
And, after the inevitable fall of my already crumbling resolve into so much useless emotional gravel, I ended up asking about R. Suffice it to say, L was quite annoyed (because I have been talking about nothing else everytime we're together) and amused (because he enjoys seeing me suffer), but he read the cards anyway. Alas, once again, the cards told me what I already knew. That the things making me suffer are of my own creation.
With the usual groan of disappointment which I had been quite used to doing of late, I dismissed it as wise but nothing really new. It had no new help for my conviction to build something stronger on to aid my eternal battle against the cruel machinations of love and relationships.
After that short episode of me affirming my misery to the world once again, L and V moved on to more important and socially-relevant topics such as achieving that supermodel glamour through glutathione and diamond peel. I listened cluelessly but attentively, amusing myself with how excited the two were getting. It appeared the night will continue to be uneventful, but we all settled into a nice and complacent fine-we're-not-complaining mood for the rest of dinner.
But a-HA. The plot is yet to thicken. The universe wasn't quite through with me yet after all. At around 8:30-something, I told the guys it was already time for V and I to head for the party. The three of us stepped out of Greenwich into the cooling October evening air, with minimal hopes of the night getting any better -- or worse, for that matter. L said he needed to buy smokes before going home so we walked the short distance to a small sidewalk vendor, and there, in front of National Bookstore, I saw R walking towards the direction opposite us.
At first I thought it wasn't him. But second after leadened second, it slowly sunk into me that yes, the person several feet away from me was indeed R. He saw me. I was almost absolutely and positively sure that he saw me, but it only took an eighth of a second for him to avert his eyes and look as if he didn't see me, so it's still possible that he didn't.
But oh, how I felt the air in the distance between us tense so vividly as he inadvertently turned and headed inside National Bookstore for sanctuary. It was like stones dropping onto my hands, the way each of his footsteps fell -- so controlled and deliberate, from casual and nonchalant moments ago. And it paralysed me out of my wits.
My brain was trying to register something V said. "Oh God," I think it was. "Podi, it's R."
"I know," said a voice that was mine, only coming from a distant planet inside me. I gripped at V's shoulders and hid my face in shame.
L's tarot readings poured over my memory slowly like old wine, medicinal and intoxicating at the same time. The things making me suffer are of my own creation. And, hard as it was for me to swallow the simple and seemingly trivial statement, I had to accept the bitter truth in it.
Why is it true?
Alright Podi, listen up. You need to remember this, that's why you're writing down what happened tonight.
One: in Baguio, it was already made clear by R for you not to take him seriously because he cannot -- repeat, CANNOT -- be in a relationship. True, you were not able to accept this from him before, dismissing it as complete crap, but after talking with him about it -- yes, you TALKED, and don't deny it for the sake of drama -- you said you understood him and you accepted the cannot-ness of it all.
Two: he accepts you as a friend, and he says he cares for you, even going to the extent of saying he "loves" you (with the complementary "but not in that way" add-on), and once again, you ACCEPTED it. You admitted to yourself this is better than losing him completely. You said you cannot ever abandon him just because your, well, love for him is incongruent with his love for you. AND it is your firm belief that it is completely and utterly selfish of someone to abandon someone they love, whatever kind it may be.
Three: he is moving on with his life. AND it is entirely possible that he is seeing other people too. As a matter of fact he is! He told you so himself, right? Of course, with his usual disclaimer being that he doesn't see the person "in that way," or he "cannot be in a relationship." Still you get jealous, sure, but by what cosmic right do you have to harbor such a destructive, dark emotion? Because you love him? Fine. F I N E. We're past that. You love him. You made the decision to do so, and everything was right with the world.
HOWEVER, while the universe agrees that it is in perfect harmony with nature to love someone as fiercely as you do, it does not mean you will stagnantly burn yourself with the intensity of such love for the rest of your sorry, sad life. MOVE ON, PARE. It is still possible to love someone completely, and yourself at the same time! Despite its endless complexities, pure love is undoubtedly boundless!
Look, if you don't believe me, then believe in Sailor Moon. Remember that episode in PGSM when Usagi saw Mamoru and his then girlfriend, whatserface, lying unconscious because of another youma attack? It nearly broke your heart when you saw Mamoru's hands gripping whatserface's own! Poor Usagi-chan, she must be dying inside! BUT NO. Instead, Usagi... smiled. A gentle smile. And I'm not bullshitting here, but it really was the kind of smile that would wrap itself around your little heart like a warm, little blanket, and you never ever want to leave. It was that kind of smile. Anyway, she knelt before them and said, "Loving someone... that's something good isn't it?" And she, with her own as yet unawakened power, healed the two completely.
And it killed you. The concept of a love so limitless, so boundless as someone only Usagi could have afforded to feel crushed you to a million little pieces. No, she did not telekinetically smash a hundred wooden chairs into Mamo-chan's body. And no, she did not impale whatserface endlessly with an array of iron spikes and jam the Moon Sceptre up her ass for good measure, all in a torrent of rage and jealousy. But because she is Sailor Moon, she accepted the love the two felt for each other and used that love to heal them both. That is her power -- limitless, boundless love.
Now the point of the whole story is this. You love R, Podi. But please, for the sake of all that is good on this Earth, do not burn because of it. ACCEPT IT. Be happy that you have achieved the victory of falling in love with someone. In this sick, sad, crazy world we live in, love has been mutated and mutilated an infinite number of times, it's hard to tell what is true and what is not anymore. But you -- YOU know this is love. Draw strength from it, and live your life knowing that you have achieved this victory.
As for R not loving you back, well, in the end, does it really matter? It could hurt, yes, but before being reactive about it, try to understand where the hurt is really coming from. Once you understand it, you will realize that the point is you're happy when he's happy. And when he's happy, nothing else really matters much, right?
So be happy for R, and go on living your life. After all, despite all the things you've gone through, and despite the situation you are in now, you, of all people, deserve to be happy too.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Blogger Beta Madness
Alright, so although I'm excited for the new Blogger, it's going to give me a hell lot of new things to work on. First off, I need to study the new layout system and get the codes done right so I can make a new one for myself. Next, I need to flex my coding fingers once again, since I might have forgotten how to do Dreamweaver magic. Finally -- and this one I'm not really looking forward to -- I might have to tag all of my blog posts from the beginning. Yup, all 400++ entries.
Nevertheless I'm still kind of excited. I think this is a worthwhile project for myself, at least until I can get something that actually pays. LOL. Till then, no rest for the wicked. :-)
PS: I'll be working on Hemlock's story at the same time. To be honest, drawing out this little fantasy life of mine seems natural for me -- in the sense that it flows effortlessly from my fingers directly onto the keyboard. I like the feeling I get shaping each rise and trough of his life on the Silk Road. Very therapeutic to say the least. :-)
Nevertheless I'm still kind of excited. I think this is a worthwhile project for myself, at least until I can get something that actually pays. LOL. Till then, no rest for the wicked. :-)
PS: I'll be working on Hemlock's story at the same time. To be honest, drawing out this little fantasy life of mine seems natural for me -- in the sense that it flows effortlessly from my fingers directly onto the keyboard. I like the feeling I get shaping each rise and trough of his life on the Silk Road. Very therapeutic to say the least. :-)
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
My Name Is Hemlock
hemlock, on the crossing of huang he
I am Hemlock. Or rather, that was the name I was given when I was taken in by the White Caravan, an acting troupe from the city of Chang’an. My life before then is unknown to me, and it is a life I think I would rather leave shadowed.
It was on the deathbed of Master He Xiao Tian, the leader of the White Caravan, where he relayed to me the events that happened nine years ago, the night I was taken in by the troupe. Their caravan was crossing Hohyeosi Mountain on the way to Hotan for a performance requested by the Emperor himself. Master He Xiao Tian said he found my unconscious body beside a fallen tree near their camp.
“Deep wounds marred every inch of your flesh, but none as deep as the wounds on your back,” he said grimly. And although I was shivering uncontrollably, and my consciousness was ready to cross The Veil, the Master was surprised to feel a distant roaring in my spirit fighting to keep alive.
It must have taken some time before his eyes adjusted to the dimness of the forest, but it was only after he has gathered my small, crumpled form into his arms that he noticed a disturbing sight. He said the whole clearing was suddenly awash in gentle phosphorescence, and there on the forest floor were five white tigers -- their furs almost glowing in the half-light. Each one still, each one unmoving, and each one undoubtedly dead.
One tiger had eyes staring up at the heavens, its menacing jaws wide open -- a portrait of unbridled anger and agony, compounded only by the shards of crystal (or was it ice?) protruding from its abdomen. Another form had the same kind of shards emerging from different parts of its body, but the head of this one was firmly spiked to the ground. Its eyes were closed, and an expression of shame and defeat crossed its face. The other three looked as if they were only sleeping, that is, if it were not for the swath of burnt flesh traveling the sides of their body.
The Master was careful not to disturb any of the carcasses as he stepped away from the clearing. He moved quickly but silently, intent on leaving the stench of death haunting the area. Whispering what little he knew of the arcane incantations he has learnt during their travels, he tried to find his way back to the camp. But no matter how fast he kept his pace, it seemed that the shadows were deepening even further with every step he takes.
It wasn't long before he heard a low, velveteen growl. He wasn't sure which side of the forest it came from, or if he were simply imagining it, but it did not deter his will from making it out of the forest. He checked the cooling, unmoving form he was holding for breath, and after being satisfied that I was indeed still alive, he closed his eyes tight and made a final mad dash into the direction of the light.
(... to be continued...)
Monday, October 09, 2006
No Wonder I'm Single
I received an email today from OKCupid! -- one of those online matching sites I'd forgotten I registered with. The email alert said that someone sent me a message, so I decided to check it out. This was a surprise, since I rarely get any private messages (probably because of that scary mug), and as far as I know, OKCupid! doesn't have a lot of Filipino members.
Anyway, I logged in and read the new message -- an ordinary yet still pleasant, getting-to-know-you email -- and replied with an equally ordinary yet still pleasant i'm-fine-thanks-for-asking-how-about-you response. Before logging off though, I figured it wouldn't hurt if I try updating my profile. So I headed over to view my profile page, and I saw, within that little panel to the right side of the page, the be-all and end-all reasons why I am still single:
sad thing is, it's all true
I mean, who doesn't believe in the Internet these days?! Besides, who can beat an FAQ like theirs? Or an FAAAQ page, for that matter.
Sigh. I love teh Internet. Now, to anyone who says being kinky is a bad thing, die. :-)
Anyway, I logged in and read the new message -- an ordinary yet still pleasant, getting-to-know-you email -- and replied with an equally ordinary yet still pleasant i'm-fine-thanks-for-asking-how-about-you response. Before logging off though, I figured it wouldn't hurt if I try updating my profile. So I headed over to view my profile page, and I saw, within that little panel to the right side of the page, the be-all and end-all reasons why I am still single:
sad thing is, it's all true
I mean, who doesn't believe in the Internet these days?! Besides, who can beat an FAQ like theirs? Or an FAAAQ page, for that matter.
Sigh. I love teh Internet. Now, to anyone who says being kinky is a bad thing, die. :-)
Friday, October 06, 2006
A Decision One Makes
All week, I've been thinking if love is a decision one makes, or if one finds oneself in it without knowing? Is there a moment when one stops and breathes, "I am in love?" Or is one already in love, and simply decides whether to continue swimming in that pool of emotion or walk away? Because a week ago I made a decision, and it felt like a seal on me, a firebrand. And on my tongue I could have sworn it tasted a little like dying, when "your life flashes before your eyes." Which it did, my life. Or what's left of it, I suppose.
Margaret Atwood was right. If we knew in advance the consequences of our decisions, we would be doomed and ruined. The irony is that there is triumph in ignorance, and there is tragedy in wisdom. And that tragedy, that hopelessness is maybe what gave me the courage, the stupidity to admit such a truth to myself. I figured I didn't have enough of a life left to lose, so I threw all caution to the wind and gave in. After all, I have always said that I prefer a love like forest fires, like runaway trains. Let me tell you, it doesn't get any more devastating than this. "The more tragic, the better," the song says. Well I'm raising my red flag, and zeroing in for the kill.
This is my decision and my word, whether you accept it or not, whether it sustains me or kills me. You are loved -- by me, by my entire being, and by a force within me so great and terrible I can't even name it. You will never be alone, and you don't ever need to be afraid. I will protect you. And my name, and the rest of my stupid, sad, sorry little life I give you, for all it's worth.
I ask nothing in return. Not your love, for it is yours to give to whomever you choose. Not understanding, when nobody else would -- or rather, is able to. Just maybe... an acceptance. An acknowledgment. A thank you, or a nod my way. Letting me know that you see me, and that you are glad to be living your life happily. If I believe in nothing else, then please let me believe in that.
Margaret Atwood was right. If we knew in advance the consequences of our decisions, we would be doomed and ruined. The irony is that there is triumph in ignorance, and there is tragedy in wisdom. And that tragedy, that hopelessness is maybe what gave me the courage, the stupidity to admit such a truth to myself. I figured I didn't have enough of a life left to lose, so I threw all caution to the wind and gave in. After all, I have always said that I prefer a love like forest fires, like runaway trains. Let me tell you, it doesn't get any more devastating than this. "The more tragic, the better," the song says. Well I'm raising my red flag, and zeroing in for the kill.
This is my decision and my word, whether you accept it or not, whether it sustains me or kills me. You are loved -- by me, by my entire being, and by a force within me so great and terrible I can't even name it. You will never be alone, and you don't ever need to be afraid. I will protect you. And my name, and the rest of my stupid, sad, sorry little life I give you, for all it's worth.
I ask nothing in return. Not your love, for it is yours to give to whomever you choose. Not understanding, when nobody else would -- or rather, is able to. Just maybe... an acceptance. An acknowledgment. A thank you, or a nod my way. Letting me know that you see me, and that you are glad to be living your life happily. If I believe in nothing else, then please let me believe in that.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Give In To Carelessness
"How could I have been so ignorant? she thinks. So stupid, so unseeing, so given over to carelessness. But without such ignorance, such carelessness, how could we live? If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next -- if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions -- you'd be doomed. You'd be as ruined as God. You'd be a stone. You'd never eat or drink or laugh or get out of bed in the morning. You'd never love anyone, ever again. You'd never dare to."
(Iris Chase, from the book Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood)
(Iris Chase, from the book Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood)