No, nothing majorly major happened. As a matter of fact, I shouldn't really be making a big deal out of this. But for my sake, I WANT to make a big deal out of it, because I need to learn something from it. That's why here I am, now, writing about it before doing anything else.
OK. So, after going to the rather uneventful Komikon in UP Diliman (except of course seeing Carl again), a friend, whom we shall refer to as L, and I decided to have dinner at Katipunan while waiting for another friend of mine, V, whom I asked to accompany me to a friend's girlfriend's birthday party in Acropolis in Libis.
After much deliberation on how we can effectively budget our dwindling funds to buy us a filling yet inexpensive meal (bless the Greenwich counter girl who put up with our fickle-mindedness), we both decided on getting something light since I will be eating at the party, and L will be eating at home. Shortly after receiving our orders, V arrived and joined us for dinner as well. The party thing was supposed to start at 8:00 PM and it was already 7:30, but since I wanted to be as late as possible, I asked L to read my cards for me once again.
At first I promised myself not to ask anything about R, so I didn't. Instead I asked about work, and the cards said nothing conclusive about it. Oh, just that my life is currently very boring. (Like I needed a bunch of mean and stupid cards to tell it to my face, right. But anyway...) I also asked if I'll be dating someone soon and the cards said no (big surprise there). Upside is I'll be having sex with someone in the near future (about damn time).
And, after the inevitable fall of my already crumbling resolve into so much useless emotional gravel, I ended up asking about R. Suffice it to say, L was quite annoyed (because I have been talking about nothing else everytime we're together) and amused (because he enjoys seeing me suffer), but he read the cards anyway. Alas, once again, the cards told me what I already knew. That the things making me suffer are of my own creation.
With the usual groan of disappointment which I had been quite used to doing of late, I dismissed it as wise but nothing really new. It had no new help for my conviction to build something stronger on to aid my eternal battle against the cruel machinations of love and relationships.
After that short episode of me affirming my misery to the world once again, L and V moved on to more important and socially-relevant topics such as achieving that supermodel glamour through glutathione and diamond peel. I listened cluelessly but attentively, amusing myself with how excited the two were getting. It appeared the night will continue to be uneventful, but we all settled into a nice and complacent fine-we're-not-complaining mood for the rest of dinner.
But a-HA. The plot is yet to thicken. The universe wasn't quite through with me yet after all. At around 8:30-something, I told the guys it was already time for V and I to head for the party. The three of us stepped out of Greenwich into the cooling October evening air, with minimal hopes of the night getting any better -- or worse, for that matter. L said he needed to buy smokes before going home so we walked the short distance to a small sidewalk vendor, and there, in front of National Bookstore, I saw R walking towards the direction opposite us.
At first I thought it wasn't him. But second after leadened second, it slowly sunk into me that yes, the person several feet away from me was indeed R. He saw me. I was almost absolutely and positively sure that he saw me, but it only took an eighth of a second for him to avert his eyes and look as if he didn't see me, so it's still possible that he didn't.
But oh, how I felt the air in the distance between us tense so vividly as he inadvertently turned and headed inside National Bookstore for sanctuary. It was like stones dropping onto my hands, the way each of his footsteps fell -- so controlled and deliberate, from casual and nonchalant moments ago. And it paralysed me out of my wits.
My brain was trying to register something V said. "Oh God," I think it was. "Podi, it's R."
"I know," said a voice that was mine, only coming from a distant planet inside me. I gripped at V's shoulders and hid my face in shame.
L's tarot readings poured over my memory slowly like old wine, medicinal and intoxicating at the same time. The things making me suffer are of my own creation. And, hard as it was for me to swallow the simple and seemingly trivial statement, I had to accept the bitter truth in it.
Why is it true?
Alright Podi, listen up. You need to remember this, that's why you're writing down what happened tonight.
One: in Baguio, it was already made clear by R for you not to take him seriously because he cannot -- repeat, CANNOT -- be in a relationship. True, you were not able to accept this from him before, dismissing it as complete crap, but after talking with him about it -- yes, you TALKED, and don't deny it for the sake of drama -- you said you understood him and you accepted the cannot-ness of it all.
Two: he accepts you as a friend, and he says he cares for you, even going to the extent of saying he "loves" you (with the complementary "but not in that way" add-on), and once again, you ACCEPTED it. You admitted to yourself this is better than losing him completely. You said you cannot ever abandon him just because your, well, love for him is incongruent with his love for you. AND it is your firm belief that it is completely and utterly selfish of someone to abandon someone they love, whatever kind it may be.
Three: he is moving on with his life. AND it is entirely possible that he is seeing other people too. As a matter of fact he is! He told you so himself, right? Of course, with his usual disclaimer being that he doesn't see the person "in that way," or he "cannot be in a relationship." Still you get jealous, sure, but by what cosmic right do you have to harbor such a destructive, dark emotion? Because you love him? Fine. F I N E. We're past that. You love him. You made the decision to do so, and everything was right with the world.
HOWEVER, while the universe agrees that it is in perfect harmony with nature to love someone as fiercely as you do, it does not mean you will stagnantly burn yourself with the intensity of such love for the rest of your sorry, sad life. MOVE ON, PARE. It is still possible to love someone completely, and yourself at the same time! Despite its endless complexities, pure love is undoubtedly boundless!
Look, if you don't believe me, then believe in Sailor Moon. Remember that episode in PGSM when Usagi saw Mamoru and his then girlfriend, whatserface, lying unconscious because of another youma attack? It nearly broke your heart when you saw Mamoru's hands gripping whatserface's own! Poor Usagi-chan, she must be dying inside! BUT NO. Instead, Usagi... smiled. A gentle smile. And I'm not bullshitting here, but it really was the kind of smile that would wrap itself around your little heart like a warm, little blanket, and you never ever want to leave. It was that kind of smile. Anyway, she knelt before them and said, "Loving someone... that's something good isn't it?" And she, with her own as yet unawakened power, healed the two completely.
And it killed you. The concept of a love so limitless, so boundless as someone only Usagi could have afforded to feel crushed you to a million little pieces. No, she did not telekinetically smash a hundred wooden chairs into Mamo-chan's body. And no, she did not impale whatserface endlessly with an array of iron spikes and jam the Moon Sceptre up her ass for good measure, all in a torrent of rage and jealousy. But because she is Sailor Moon, she accepted the love the two felt for each other and used that love to heal them both. That is her power -- limitless, boundless love.
Now the point of the whole story is this. You love R, Podi. But please, for the sake of all that is good on this Earth, do not burn because of it. ACCEPT IT. Be happy that you have achieved the victory of falling in love with someone. In this sick, sad, crazy world we live in, love has been mutated and mutilated an infinite number of times, it's hard to tell what is true and what is not anymore. But you -- YOU know this is love. Draw strength from it, and live your life knowing that you have achieved this victory.
As for R not loving you back, well, in the end, does it really matter? It could hurt, yes, but before being reactive about it, try to understand where the hurt is really coming from. Once you understand it, you will realize that the point is you're happy when he's happy. And when he's happy, nothing else really matters much, right?
So be happy for R, and go on living your life. After all, despite all the things you've gone through, and despite the situation you are in now, you, of all people, deserve to be happy too.
