The Evolution of My Hair, Ladies and Gentlemen
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Day After
With all the changes you've been through,
it seems the stranger's always you.
Alone again in some new wicked little town.
Tommy Gnossis, from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
I was able to catch HSD over Y!M this morning. (My sleep was very restless and I was feeling more tired than rested, so I thought I'd just stay up from 3:00 AM until I had to prepare for work.) I asked him if he'd be comfortable telling me about it, this guy he "fell in so much love" with. I told him I needed to know. I felt like I needed to know -- that, after all that's been said, he at least owed me. He said he'd rather talk about it after class, later in the evening, although I doubt he'd still talk to me. (He removed me from his Friendster, after all. Yes, I don't know why he had to do that, either -- he did ask me if I would still like to be his friend. And yes, I think it's strange of me to bring up that little detail.)
Right now I'm at work, getting things done at a much slower pace than they actually need to be. I'm trying so very hard to keep things normal, trying not to let slip any clues that I'm breaking off, limb from limb. That my soul is writhing from loneliness and... envy. Envy, that someone else has been chosen as more deserving of a love I have worked very hard to reach.
Accumulation
By just living one's life, sadness accumulates here and there. Be it in the sheets hung out in the sun to dry, the toothbrushes in the bathroom, and the history logs of a mobile phone.
'I still like you, even now,' so wrote the girl I had dated three years ago in her email. 'But, even if we were to exchange a thousand emails, our hearts would probably not move even one centimeter closer together.'
In the last several years, I have forged ahead without any regard, just to touch what I cannot reach. That email was a definite indicator of that fact. Without understanding the sources from which this menacing thought surged forth from, I continued working. When I at last noticed, my heart had already become hard from the gradual loss of its youthful vitality. And on a certain morning, when I at last came to an earnest realization that I had lost everything that was beautiful, I knew I was at my limits.
Tohno Takaki, from 5 Centimeters per Second
'I still like you, even now,' so wrote the girl I had dated three years ago in her email. 'But, even if we were to exchange a thousand emails, our hearts would probably not move even one centimeter closer together.'
In the last several years, I have forged ahead without any regard, just to touch what I cannot reach. That email was a definite indicator of that fact. Without understanding the sources from which this menacing thought surged forth from, I continued working. When I at last noticed, my heart had already become hard from the gradual loss of its youthful vitality. And on a certain morning, when I at last came to an earnest realization that I had lost everything that was beautiful, I knew I was at my limits.
Tohno Takaki, from 5 Centimeters per Second
Monday, January 28, 2008
All Together Now
I'm putting them all together in one entry. It's all been the same -- R, Eddie, HSD -- how they all broke off a piece, leaving another discarded, broken, scotch-taped, recycled version of myself. This first one is about Eddie.
And this is about R. I have written a score of entries about him, of course, but this was the first one that actually said, "No."
And there were many others before and betwixt, sung and unsung. After years and years, I'm still the same. Eto, eto ako. Parts missing, artificial, sometimes hollow and empty. Naka-scotch tape na lang ang pagkatao ko, I was telling a friend. Whenever I'm in front of someone new, I say "Hi, I'm Pii." I wave my hand and a finger falls off, an eye pops out, and a leg disjoints itself. "Ooops, that was from when I was last rejected," I say. "Will you like me just the same?"
He reminded me that we're all scarred and broken. It's a fundamental concept of the human condition. But if I keep telling myself that, I'm afraid I will begin to not care about love anymore. Take what I can get and earn money enough to pay the bills. It's a lonely, cold way of existence, like a broken clock inside a dark, dank room, and I don't want that to happen. I thought at first living one's life is a matter of choice, but now it's beginning to feel like I'm being forced into that hole. What is the Universe conspiring to do to me?
Apologies if I have been spiraling down recently, but I can't help feeling this way. It's true. One can only have enough strength, and I'm running on empty. This is what I have, this is what I am given to work with. What kind of finished product is the Universe expecting me to deliver? Please do not believe me when I say I'm OK, that's just me saying it, because I am too afraid to give voice to what is otherwise true out loud. I am lost. Completely, absolutely, irrevocably lost.
I Was Dumped!
Monday, July 23, 2007
... for a guy who has a car and a smooth, tight, hard body! The brilliance that is me was thrown aside for fluff! I'll never live it down.
Actually, this happened several days ago but it's only begun to sink in now. Yeah. After over a month of dating, Doc Eddie finally said he's seeing someone else. My initial reaction was, "OK, sure, whatever. We're just dating and having fun anyway. Thanks for the orgasm." And then I went on with my life. But right now, being idle for the first time in days, it's really beginning to sink in. I was dumped.
It shouldn't be surprising at all, considering my track record for getting rejected is quite phenomenal. By all rights, I should already be a ninja master of the stuff. Separating the physical motions from the emotional anguish such acts may cause is an art which no longer requires an extremely high amount of mental fortitude from me.
But... it does. And everytime it happens, the pain is brand spankin' new.
And this is about R. I have written a score of entries about him, of course, but this was the first one that actually said, "No."
The Tragedy of Recursion
Thursday, July 20, 2006
It amazed me how easily you seemed to have said it. "I had the perfectest date." Simple, innocent, noncommittal. Much similar to when someone would say, "I had puttanesca for dinner," or "I see your point." And for a minute, I actually believed 'perfectest' was a real word. One never knows what you will say next.
I, for one, never knew how being hit by a sledgehammer felt like until you've finished saying what you just said. And you carried on too, chronicling how he went to your place first and then going to the mall together afterwards, and how you had a spectacular time, agreeing to meet again the following night.
To my credit, I found myself uttering complete nonsense such as, "Wow," or "That's great," or "Really," successfully keeping to my fingers what I really wanted to say, which, I think was to the effect of, "Could you please not tell me about it anymore? Ever?"
However, no sooner than I thunk it did I discover my fingers betraying my thoughts, sending the exact same message to your IM window. It was immediately followed by, "I'm sorry I didn't imagine it would be this painful." And finally, "I'll let you know when I'm OK." And then a smiley :-) for good measure. Then I disconnected.
I didn't die, as I'd hoped I would. What did happen, what it did feel, was like being launched into space, without warning. Alien abductors crashed through the windows of the 21st floor office, carrying me up past the exosphere without so much as a bubble helmet, and leaving me there to suffocate in cosmic dust.
I was beaten. Defeated by my own delusions. And once again I am here, orbiting in the dark expanse of space. Waiting for gravity to pull me, hoping this time around, my feet will stick firmly to the ground.
And there were many others before and betwixt, sung and unsung. After years and years, I'm still the same. Eto, eto ako. Parts missing, artificial, sometimes hollow and empty. Naka-scotch tape na lang ang pagkatao ko, I was telling a friend. Whenever I'm in front of someone new, I say "Hi, I'm Pii." I wave my hand and a finger falls off, an eye pops out, and a leg disjoints itself. "Ooops, that was from when I was last rejected," I say. "Will you like me just the same?"
He reminded me that we're all scarred and broken. It's a fundamental concept of the human condition. But if I keep telling myself that, I'm afraid I will begin to not care about love anymore. Take what I can get and earn money enough to pay the bills. It's a lonely, cold way of existence, like a broken clock inside a dark, dank room, and I don't want that to happen. I thought at first living one's life is a matter of choice, but now it's beginning to feel like I'm being forced into that hole. What is the Universe conspiring to do to me?
Apologies if I have been spiraling down recently, but I can't help feeling this way. It's true. One can only have enough strength, and I'm running on empty. This is what I have, this is what I am given to work with. What kind of finished product is the Universe expecting me to deliver? Please do not believe me when I say I'm OK, that's just me saying it, because I am too afraid to give voice to what is otherwise true out loud. I am lost. Completely, absolutely, irrevocably lost.
"How could I have been so ignorant? she thinks. So stupid, so unseeing, so given over to carelessness. But without such ignorance, such carelessness, how could we live? If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next -- if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions -- you'd be doomed. You'd be as ruined as God. You'd be a stone. You'd never eat or drink or laugh or get out of bed in the morning. You'd never love anyone, ever again. You'd never dare to."
Iris Chase, from the book Blind Assassin by Margaret Atwood
High School Date's YM Status
Thought this was about me. 'Course I had to ask.
Hindi pala. Oh well. Back to the N-Field.
Hindi pala. Oh well. Back to the N-Field.
And Then, The Wedding
The sky was the perfect blue of oceans and the air was crackling electricity. The cathedral, with all its walls and spires alive and vibrant just a few moments ago, fell in a hush as the doors opened. Everyone looked, and there she was -- beautiful, willowy, and ethereal in her white dress that went on for miles and miles. She looked radiant, like a spirit of air made flesh, gliding slowly on the aisle.
My heart tugged at me inside its cage of flesh, "There's June," it said. "Your little girl, your sweet, fragile China doll." Words tumbled up to my throat, but my tongue kept them in. I felt the rising of tears. No, I told myself. She's very much a woman. You, of all people, can tell. Two weeks ago, do you remember noticing? Her stride was different. Her hug was more sure, and her smile -- although still displaying traces of being a little girl -- was the smile of... victory, I suppose one can call it. June was winning life, and thank the powers that be she has someone like Glenn, who has a heart that is larger than life, to be with her.
More than a thousand words.
The arcs and lines of Manila Cathedral in Intramuros.
More of Manila Cathedral, above the entrance.
By the altar.
June and Glenn, after the ceremony.
Walking towards a new life together.
Erick and Diane, still going strong after six years!
Den and Stef.
One half of the Tsinoy Mafia: Cham, Denmark, and Walter with his girl, Angeline.
Shakti, Stef, Gaye, Den, and Celine.
The beautiful flowers on the table. That's Ricky in the background, who came all the way from Bicol.
The appetizer, with shrimps and avocado, among other interesting mix of flavors.
My heart tugged at me inside its cage of flesh, "There's June," it said. "Your little girl, your sweet, fragile China doll." Words tumbled up to my throat, but my tongue kept them in. I felt the rising of tears. No, I told myself. She's very much a woman. You, of all people, can tell. Two weeks ago, do you remember noticing? Her stride was different. Her hug was more sure, and her smile -- although still displaying traces of being a little girl -- was the smile of... victory, I suppose one can call it. June was winning life, and thank the powers that be she has someone like Glenn, who has a heart that is larger than life, to be with her.
More than a thousand words.
The arcs and lines of Manila Cathedral in Intramuros.
More of Manila Cathedral, above the entrance.
By the altar.
June and Glenn, after the ceremony.
Walking towards a new life together.
Erick and Diane, still going strong after six years!
Den and Stef.
One half of the Tsinoy Mafia: Cham, Denmark, and Walter with his girl, Angeline.
Shakti, Stef, Gaye, Den, and Celine.
The beautiful flowers on the table. That's Ricky in the background, who came all the way from Bicol.
The appetizer, with shrimps and avocado, among other interesting mix of flavors.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Many-Colored Saturday Night
After a particularly tiring day at work, I went straight to Glorietta to have dinner with CeeJ, John (who was with his significant other), and Lenard. Lenard brought a friend with him, Marc, who was a former officemate of mine when I was still with PeopleSupport. The six of us had pizza and pasta at A Venetto, where we talked about the days of yore when most of us were still in college, and still going out almost every weekend.
It was a pretty significant occasion since the last time we saw each other was... well... years and years ago! My heart was full of happy to know we haven't changed much at all. We were as crass, silly, and ridiculously irreverent in our most ordinary conversations as before. It was a shame Allan couldn't make it though. He wouldof made the evening more colorful with his offhand remarks and jabbing quips to our more... abrasive words. Hehe.
There was a promise of a Spice Girls Videoke Night towards the end of the evening. Here's to hoping all of us can make it then!
The guys decided to call it a night around 11:00 PM. Cue text message from Sutherland friend, Jimmy, and his partner, Ken. They said they'd be heading to Cable Car in Pasay Road in a while with another Sutherland friend, Donnie, and his partner, Gabby, for drinks and videoke. I was feeling the tugs of sleepiness, but I couldn't help saying yes since I haven't seen them too in a long time! Besides, CeeJ didn't feel like going home either so I asked him to go with us instead.
In about 20 minutes, I saw them driving up towards McDonald's in Greenbelt. Before waiting for the car to even stop, Jimmy got out from the passenger seat and ran the few steps for a tight hug. All weariness evaporated when I realized how I missed them all so much!
We headed to Cable Car right after, trying to catch up on the latest goss involving our friends and Sutherland officemates. Jimmy sang his usual repertoire of songs from Fra Lippo Lippi, Joey Albert, and Sharon Cuneta (of course). Ken channeled his inner diva and sang Stand Up for Love, while Donnie and Gabz looked absolutely adorable singing Careless Whisper together. CeeJ and I were the best audience, wooting and clapping at the appropriate moments.
At about 2:00 AM however, CeeJ and I had to leave since he had work in a couple of hours. Much hugs and promises to meet up soon went 'round the table once again before we made our exit from the bar.
I felt all kinds of giddy walking home last night. Life does have pockets of happiness hidden in tiny places. We just need to know where to look. :-)
It was a pretty significant occasion since the last time we saw each other was... well... years and years ago! My heart was full of happy to know we haven't changed much at all. We were as crass, silly, and ridiculously irreverent in our most ordinary conversations as before. It was a shame Allan couldn't make it though. He wouldof made the evening more colorful with his offhand remarks and jabbing quips to our more... abrasive words. Hehe.
There was a promise of a Spice Girls Videoke Night towards the end of the evening. Here's to hoping all of us can make it then!
The guys decided to call it a night around 11:00 PM. Cue text message from Sutherland friend, Jimmy, and his partner, Ken. They said they'd be heading to Cable Car in Pasay Road in a while with another Sutherland friend, Donnie, and his partner, Gabby, for drinks and videoke. I was feeling the tugs of sleepiness, but I couldn't help saying yes since I haven't seen them too in a long time! Besides, CeeJ didn't feel like going home either so I asked him to go with us instead.
In about 20 minutes, I saw them driving up towards McDonald's in Greenbelt. Before waiting for the car to even stop, Jimmy got out from the passenger seat and ran the few steps for a tight hug. All weariness evaporated when I realized how I missed them all so much!
We headed to Cable Car right after, trying to catch up on the latest goss involving our friends and Sutherland officemates. Jimmy sang his usual repertoire of songs from Fra Lippo Lippi, Joey Albert, and Sharon Cuneta (of course). Ken channeled his inner diva and sang Stand Up for Love, while Donnie and Gabz looked absolutely adorable singing Careless Whisper together. CeeJ and I were the best audience, wooting and clapping at the appropriate moments.
At about 2:00 AM however, CeeJ and I had to leave since he had work in a couple of hours. Much hugs and promises to meet up soon went 'round the table once again before we made our exit from the bar.
I felt all kinds of giddy walking home last night. Life does have pockets of happiness hidden in tiny places. We just need to know where to look. :-)
Friday, January 18, 2008
Whoops, Slippery Truth Ahead
| Your Love is Based on Infatuation |
 Your love often borders on obsession. You fall in love from afar. You can't help but have strong feelings for someone you're attracted to. And even if that attraction isn't immediately reciprocated, you hold out hope. For you, feeling love-struck is almost as good as feeling in love. Why your love can last: You tend to love completely and unconditionally. Why your love can fail: Your love is often blind... and sometimes stupid. |
Tang. Ina. That nailed it, pare.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Party, Finally
After weeks of fretting and meticulous planning, June's Surprise Bachelorette Party finally took flight without a hitch last night. I'm not sure if the panic was obvious in my eyes when we were doing the final preparations for the party while waiting for June to arrive, but all of that evaporated out of my system as soon as I saw her and Gaye and Den arrive that I literally bounded my merry way from one side of Metrowalk to the other to give all of them a big, big bear hug. June might have had an idea that we were throwing a surprise party for her, but I think I nudged her radar off for a bit when I started chattering all teary-eyed about missing them all very much -- which was very, very true, of course -- that for one second, I even forgot there was a party waiting for June at Elbow Room.
I was glad June really was surprised and that she had a blast last night at the party. The games were really -- quite unexpectedly -- very fun to play and the other guests were game to do anything. The Tissue Paper Wedding Dress game was a very nice icebreaker for everyone, and I think it set a very nice friendly (not to mention creative) mood for the rest of the night. I was particularly fond of the "wedding dress" Gaye dressed her partner up with as it was "Vera Wang inspired," but the dress which June's Beijing friend Abby, and Freehands friend Jeannie came up with was a sure winner.
The rest of the evening we played wedding tips and trivia games, a very naughty and very amusing Pictionary, Pin the Donkey, and the guests got to show off their sculpting skills by molding the Perfect Penis out of a bar of clay. We did that particular game last and that was when we had the boys come into the room and judge which one was the best without knowing who did what. Glenn, June's groom, picked the one which June and Paulette did as the best, to everyone's amazement.
Before the evening ended, Glenn wrapped things up with the Scavenger Hunt he made everyone do which kicked off the evening before. There were three teams all in all -- June's CSB Friends, Freehands Friends, and Beijing Friends. We turned up with nothing as we all had work that day and didn't get the chance to really get into the spirit of the hunt, but the other two groups were very competitive that they were able to acquire even the most ridiculous items in the list.
For curious cats, the list is after the jump.
The party finally ended half past 11 and everyone was full in the tummy as well as the heart. I was very, very happy to see June all beaming with smiles. I still couldn't believe she's getting married in two weeks! It seems like we all haven't quite grown up yet! Well, maybe that's just me, but still. I couldn't quite let go of the image of us studying together, cutting classes together, and just... dreaming.
Anyway, after everyone went their way home, me, Gaye, and Den decided to hang out at another bar for a few more rounds of drinks to cap the night and finally catch up on what's been happening with each of us. I was happy to feel that same sense of closeness we had when we were back in college still present and glowing brightly. And I think that's the reason why I'm still here. "Love makes up for the times in between." Indeed. :-)
I was glad June really was surprised and that she had a blast last night at the party. The games were really -- quite unexpectedly -- very fun to play and the other guests were game to do anything. The Tissue Paper Wedding Dress game was a very nice icebreaker for everyone, and I think it set a very nice friendly (not to mention creative) mood for the rest of the night. I was particularly fond of the "wedding dress" Gaye dressed her partner up with as it was "Vera Wang inspired," but the dress which June's Beijing friend Abby, and Freehands friend Jeannie came up with was a sure winner.
The rest of the evening we played wedding tips and trivia games, a very naughty and very amusing Pictionary, Pin the Donkey, and the guests got to show off their sculpting skills by molding the Perfect Penis out of a bar of clay. We did that particular game last and that was when we had the boys come into the room and judge which one was the best without knowing who did what. Glenn, June's groom, picked the one which June and Paulette did as the best, to everyone's amazement.
Before the evening ended, Glenn wrapped things up with the Scavenger Hunt he made everyone do which kicked off the evening before. There were three teams all in all -- June's CSB Friends, Freehands Friends, and Beijing Friends. We turned up with nothing as we all had work that day and didn't get the chance to really get into the spirit of the hunt, but the other two groups were very competitive that they were able to acquire even the most ridiculous items in the list.
For curious cats, the list is after the jump.
Phone in a request to a radio station and have the DJ send a special song out to the bride. For foolproof evidence, alert other players via cell phone and have them listen to the radio station. Be creative with your song suggestions.
Take a picture with a man who has a tattoo. If you are one of the few who lack a camera phone, convince him to come along. Bonus point of it is a heart or a Chinese character.
Convince a man to give you the condom out of his wallet. Take a picture to prove it.
Go to a bar or club; walk out with the phone numbers of three men. Negative point if any of the numbers turn out to be bogus.
Convince a male friend to wear a firefighter, policeman, or nurse costume. Bonus point if you can get a photo of him sliding sexily down any pole.
Acquire two specific food products. One is a banana, the other is a donut.
Find something that can be used as a metaphor for the groom. Think "wet blanket" or "dough boy." Do not think "stolen baby." That's kidnapping, and it's wrong.
Arrange lawn ornaments, dolls or stuffed animals in a position of lovemaking. Take their picture. Bonus point if you get a picture of a member of your team joining in the fun.
Obtain a copy of an adult female oriented magazine (e.g. Playgirl). Bonus points if the issue is from before 1995. That kind of dedication deserves a reward.
Get something embarrassing from the groom. Negative points if the embarrassing thing turns out to be a "sexual harassment" lawsuit.
Bring back a food item from the bachelorette's favorite fast food restaurant. Negative points if you choose the wrong place.
Find two golf balls and a sausage. Put them in a bag or sack.
Write down a toast related to marriage, sex, or weddings. Use it later at the bachelorette party.
Have three men write the bride a note signing their names and listing reasons why the bride should dump her fiancée and marry them. Don't let them try too hard.
A lock of a man's chest hair. Negative points if one of them is grey.
Invent ten terms that could be used to describe the male member. I apologize but "Latin Torpedo" already exists.
Ask for spare change to buy a condom from any acquaintance. Bonus point if you can convince him to buy you a condom himself.
A Viagra pill.
Come up with the largest pair of underwear you can find. The biggest pair of underwear earns a bonus point.
Clip a marital advice column out of the paper.
Get a pair of men's underwear. There is no bonus point for skid marks, poop stains, or torn waistbands. Almost every pair of men's underwear has those!
Obtain something stained with lipstick. No do-it-yourself-ing. Try to come up with a sexy item.
Find a man willing to admit that he doesn't like sports.
Get a picture of a dude with a mullet.
Stand up on a chair and remove your bra. Keep your shirt on! This isn't a talent show.
Get one penny from the bride's birth year and another from the groom's.
Take a digital picture of someone's expression as you moon or flash them from your car.
Bring in a piece of boy band memorabilia. No, your Backstreet Boys tattoo doesn't count.
A single man's business card. Bonus point if he is a Doctor or Masseuse.
Complete an R-Rated script between a couple about to have sex. Be prepared to read it aloud in front of a chorus of your giggling friends.
Grab a relationship or sex quiz from a magazine like Cosmo or Glamour.
Get a cell phone picture of a man's bathroom in all of its grisly glory.
Pick up a "marital aid." You know, a mommy's little helper?
A camera phone picture of a drag queen.
Obtain a clump of hair from a man's drain. Yuck.
Shave a man's leg. Just one and only one. If he insists on getting both shaved, he's either a competitive swimmer, or a weirdo. Or both.
Find something "wenis" shaped. If you can't find anything, feel free to whittle. That is, if anyone still whittles.
Handcuffs.
Get something that you and the bachelorette share an inside joke about.
Bring in a senior picture of the bachelor or the bachelorette. Bonus point if there's a cheesy note on the back.
A six-pack of the groom's favorite beer.
Get a written warning from a cop.
Find a cheesy romance novel that the bride can read on her honeymoon.
Get a digital picture of a guy with the same name as the groom.
The party finally ended half past 11 and everyone was full in the tummy as well as the heart. I was very, very happy to see June all beaming with smiles. I still couldn't believe she's getting married in two weeks! It seems like we all haven't quite grown up yet! Well, maybe that's just me, but still. I couldn't quite let go of the image of us studying together, cutting classes together, and just... dreaming.
Anyway, after everyone went their way home, me, Gaye, and Den decided to hang out at another bar for a few more rounds of drinks to cap the night and finally catch up on what's been happening with each of us. I was happy to feel that same sense of closeness we had when we were back in college still present and glowing brightly. And I think that's the reason why I'm still here. "Love makes up for the times in between." Indeed. :-)
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Just Like Drowning
Truth be told, I am weary and worn-out. To my credit, I have done a good job of looking the exact opposite, fooling a lot of people who do not know any better. But I am as weak as human beings come, and it doesn't take much to pull me down. The irony is, this sensation of slow descent -- of surrendering -- feels so comforting. For all the bad things I know this entails, just giving up seems the right thing to feel. How wrong can it be to close one's eyes and go to sleep and ignore the cacophony of life outside one's head? It doesn't feel sinful at all, nor do I feel I am doing a disservice to mankind, considering I have very little to offer to begin with.
Honestly, I detest it when favors are asked of me. It feels like an iron grip on my wrist, pulling me back up the surface and forcing my eyes open, "Wake up! I need to use your life for a little while." It scratches at my heart, but I put on an elaborate masquerade because it's easier to blend in, get things over and done with, and I don't have to explain myself anymore. "Why are you sad?" "I don't know."
For now, there is a little comfortable corner in my mind where I can retreat and tend to my wounds. When I am not out and about, pretending to look, act, feel like how I was brought up to be, like how I was expected to be, I am in my corner, curled up, and thinking that someday, the masquerade will be over.
And oh, how it hurts. I feel I am already spread out so thinly. The pale grip of fingers on my wrist visible in the dark, I don't want it pulled anymore. I feel so weary, and worn-out, and so very, very exhausted.
Honestly, I detest it when favors are asked of me. It feels like an iron grip on my wrist, pulling me back up the surface and forcing my eyes open, "Wake up! I need to use your life for a little while." It scratches at my heart, but I put on an elaborate masquerade because it's easier to blend in, get things over and done with, and I don't have to explain myself anymore. "Why are you sad?" "I don't know."
For now, there is a little comfortable corner in my mind where I can retreat and tend to my wounds. When I am not out and about, pretending to look, act, feel like how I was brought up to be, like how I was expected to be, I am in my corner, curled up, and thinking that someday, the masquerade will be over.
And oh, how it hurts. I feel I am already spread out so thinly. The pale grip of fingers on my wrist visible in the dark, I don't want it pulled anymore. I feel so weary, and worn-out, and so very, very exhausted.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
On Again, Off Again
For the past three weeks, work has been a constant source of worry for our department. Since the holidays started, we've been getting fewer and fewer workload, forcing the powers that be to sometimes cut our shift short and send us home hours before we usually had to leave. There are even days when we are asked not to report for work at all.
At first we thought the situation to be convenient, as it allowed us more time to focus on the things needed to be done for the holidays, but after three weeks of such inconsistency, our team is beginning to get worried -- the days we've rendered undertime and the days when we were asked not to report for work did affect our salaries.
Ah well. This is how it is working in a call center, after all, and we should have expected it. I had my cards read again by a friend, and he said this trend might continue for a little while more, but we'll muddle through as always. Which is fine with me.
So because of the situation, I have been reverting to the "old ways," so to speak. Staying in front of the computer, playing Neverwinter Nights, Granado Espada, sometimes at the same time, nibbling on whatever sweet thing I can get my fingers on. All very unhealthy endeavors, but who's complaining.
Still seeing last week's High School Date, although things have been "out of sight, out of mind" on his part lately. I'm chucking it all off to another semester starting, but sometimes it drives me insane not to hear from him for a whole day. I had a long talk with a friend about this and he said I might have been subconsciously willing everything to go faster than they are going now -- which is something I should have learned not to do already, given my track record on failed relationships.
A friend pointed it out some years ago, "You are impatient, P." And he might be right; I guess I am. It's something I have to master, especially now when patience counts for a lot. Sigh, we'll see how it goes then.
Right now I really do need to get some serious writing done. It's that time of the year again when I have to help my mother write her speech for her school's graduating batch. That time of the year again when another horde of young, hopeful hearts are sent out into the world to be unknowingly eaten alive by the cruel machinations of Real Life.
Here's to hoping these younguns know better.
At first we thought the situation to be convenient, as it allowed us more time to focus on the things needed to be done for the holidays, but after three weeks of such inconsistency, our team is beginning to get worried -- the days we've rendered undertime and the days when we were asked not to report for work did affect our salaries.
Ah well. This is how it is working in a call center, after all, and we should have expected it. I had my cards read again by a friend, and he said this trend might continue for a little while more, but we'll muddle through as always. Which is fine with me.
So because of the situation, I have been reverting to the "old ways," so to speak. Staying in front of the computer, playing Neverwinter Nights, Granado Espada, sometimes at the same time, nibbling on whatever sweet thing I can get my fingers on. All very unhealthy endeavors, but who's complaining.
Still seeing last week's High School Date, although things have been "out of sight, out of mind" on his part lately. I'm chucking it all off to another semester starting, but sometimes it drives me insane not to hear from him for a whole day. I had a long talk with a friend about this and he said I might have been subconsciously willing everything to go faster than they are going now -- which is something I should have learned not to do already, given my track record on failed relationships.
A friend pointed it out some years ago, "You are impatient, P." And he might be right; I guess I am. It's something I have to master, especially now when patience counts for a lot. Sigh, we'll see how it goes then.
Right now I really do need to get some serious writing done. It's that time of the year again when I have to help my mother write her speech for her school's graduating batch. That time of the year again when another horde of young, hopeful hearts are sent out into the world to be unknowingly eaten alive by the cruel machinations of Real Life.
"I imagined the lies the valedictorian was telling them right now. About the exciting future that lies ahead. I wish she'd tell them the truth: Half of you have gone as far in life as you're ever going to. Look around. It's all downhill from here. The rest of us will go a bit further, a steady job, a trip to Hawaii, or a move to Phoenix, Arizona, but out of fifteen hundred how many will do anything truly worthwhile, write a play, paint a painting that will hang in a gallery, find a cure for herpes? Two of us, maybe three? And how many will find true love? About the same. And enlightenment? Maybe one. The rest of us will make compromises, find excuses, someone or something to blame, and hold that over our hearts like a pendant on a chain."
Astrid Magnussen, White Oleander
Here's to hoping these younguns know better.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
And Other Disasters
The first night of the year was spent binging on San Mig Light with Elmer at Anthology in Malate. We weren't planning on staying long, maybe just a few bottles for each of us, but the night was dishing out all kinds of crazy that we ended up drinking until 3 in the morning, enjoying the motley insanity only the slums of Malate can offer. I took it as a sign 2008 will be just as crazy and extraordinary -- which is a good thing.
Yesterday I was out on a date all afternoon -- a highschool date, to be exact. You know, walking around the malls, checking out bookstores and specialty shops while eating shaved ice steeped in strawberry syrup, then movie, then dinner, then helping out with a little shopping, walking him home, and then a sweet, sweet good night kiss (not really) before going home myself. It was refreshing, and I was brimming over with giddiness, the intensity of which only a 16-year old can match. I'm happy enough, yes, and one thing I can be thankful to 2007 for is that I was taught the value of taking things easy. Not to panic. Relax. Steady lang. If this works out, then great! If not, then that's fine, too. He's one of the good guys, and I'm glad we met.
Recently, I was able to watch the movie, Love and Other Disasters, and what one character, Jacks, had to say about love made absolute sense: "Maybe love isn't always a lightning bolt, you know? Maybe sometimes it's just a choice. I don't know if Paolo's the love of my life, but I've decided to give him the chance to be. Maybe true love is a decision -- a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody without worrying whether they'll give anything back, or hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn't something that happens to you; maybe it's something you have to choose."
And it's the exact same thing I've been trying to learn the past few years. So far I'm slowly realizing the truth -- and reality -- in it. Romance is good and it's nice seeing it occasionally happen in one's life, having a glimpse of it in books and films and art, but life in its entirety will never be congruent with it. "The truth is way too complicated and unsatisfying and hard to believe." And the hilarious irony is that's what we're stuck with -- the twisted beauty and complexity that is real life.
In other news, The Bunniez gifted me a neat kodachi for Christmas!
And it's time to put it to good use... camwhoring! Wehehehe.
Yesterday I was out on a date all afternoon -- a highschool date, to be exact. You know, walking around the malls, checking out bookstores and specialty shops while eating shaved ice steeped in strawberry syrup, then movie, then dinner, then helping out with a little shopping, walking him home, and then a sweet, sweet good night kiss (not really) before going home myself. It was refreshing, and I was brimming over with giddiness, the intensity of which only a 16-year old can match. I'm happy enough, yes, and one thing I can be thankful to 2007 for is that I was taught the value of taking things easy. Not to panic. Relax. Steady lang. If this works out, then great! If not, then that's fine, too. He's one of the good guys, and I'm glad we met.
Recently, I was able to watch the movie, Love and Other Disasters, and what one character, Jacks, had to say about love made absolute sense: "Maybe love isn't always a lightning bolt, you know? Maybe sometimes it's just a choice. I don't know if Paolo's the love of my life, but I've decided to give him the chance to be. Maybe true love is a decision -- a decision to take a chance with somebody. To give to somebody without worrying whether they'll give anything back, or hurt you, or if they really are the one. Maybe love isn't something that happens to you; maybe it's something you have to choose."
And it's the exact same thing I've been trying to learn the past few years. So far I'm slowly realizing the truth -- and reality -- in it. Romance is good and it's nice seeing it occasionally happen in one's life, having a glimpse of it in books and films and art, but life in its entirety will never be congruent with it. "The truth is way too complicated and unsatisfying and hard to believe." And the hilarious irony is that's what we're stuck with -- the twisted beauty and complexity that is real life.
In other news, The Bunniez gifted me a neat kodachi for Christmas!
And it's time to put it to good use... camwhoring! Wehehehe.