I feel better. Which is not to say I feel absolutely wonderful... nor is it an epiphanous kind of better, it's just... better. Like, finally, I'm not sick anymore. Not totally un-sick as I still have the sniffles, but at least it isn't like the past few days where I ask -- nay -- plead with the cosmic powers to just be done with it and end my misery with a bullet in the head instead of torturing me with hot, hot fever that can't make up it's mind if it wants to stay in my body or not.
Finally, too, I was able to get much needed hours and hours of sleep. Yes, I did get home 11:00 AM Saturday from a breakfast date with the whole team -- an activity which never fails to get me energized for its symbolic way of kicking off the weekend. This time, however, it finally got me recognizing the fact that I was, indeed, exhausted, and both my mind and body made a symbiotic pact to not wake my systems up until they are fully rested and completely free from the month's build-up of physical and emotional fatigue. For that reason, I woke up about 2:00 AM Sunday, muscles on my back feeling like a 16-year old's, and the dust in my mind settling peacefully like a soft blanket on a warm, weekday morning. And yes, for that, I felt better.
And finally, I think the recent series of unfortunate events are mellowing to a close... for now. It's been a tough month, to say the least, and I've made some decisions and said some things that might have been dealt with in a better way, but... I'm not regretting anything. Seriously. Forget regret and all that jazz, right? Right.
So I'm opening new doors, and locking up old ones. I'll be keeping the keys close by, just in case. Right now though, onward and upward, rock star.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Podi Chairs
For the past two days, I have been riding on waves of fever and suffering through little explosions in my head. I've only barely managed to get up from the bed now since getting home from work yesterday at 10:00 AM. My muscles and joints are groaning from the 19-odd hours of lethargy, and I'm still feeling slightly nauseous, but seeing this made me feel a whole lot better:
The Podi Chairs
Sweet! I have never had anything named after me before. Or the concept of me, at least. Hehe. This sublime piece of craftwork was made by a very good friend, Rai. He said he named them after me because they were "pristinely white." And we all know that white is definitely Love. Anyway, his bloggie displays most of his beautiful, beautiful art. It would be awesome if people could check out what's cooking in his little corner in cyberspace. :-)
The Podi Chairs
Sweet! I have never had anything named after me before. Or the concept of me, at least. Hehe. This sublime piece of craftwork was made by a very good friend, Rai. He said he named them after me because they were "pristinely white." And we all know that white is definitely Love. Anyway, his bloggie displays most of his beautiful, beautiful art. It would be awesome if people could check out what's cooking in his little corner in cyberspace. :-)
Monday, February 18, 2008
Love In The Time Of Contracts
Mahirap ang buhay sa Pilipinas. Maraming hindi nakakatapos ng pag-aaral, napipilitang magtrabaho, kumita ng kahit papaano mapag-aral lang ang kapatid at makabili ng gamot para sa tatay na may diabetes. Anim na buwan -- parang ambilis ng panahon -- endo na naman. Magpapainom, magpapaalam sa mga kaibigan, at kinabukasan, maghahanap na ulit ng bagong trabaho, umaasang kakayanin ng sahod ang lahat ng gastusin sa bahay. Bawat barya itinatago. Ganito ang nakasanayang buhay ni Leo.
Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat, nagagawa pa ring makahanap ng puso ng mga sandaliang panibugho. Matapos ang nakakahapong araw, may maaasahan si Leo na yayakap at sasalo sa pagod, uupo sa tabi, at makikikinig sa tugtuging humuhuni sa kanyang dalang luma at sirang discman. Ayos lang ang buhay. Tanggap ni Leo na hanggang dito lang ang kanyang kayang magawa, at hindi na muna kailangang mangarap. 'Yun ay, bago matapos ulit ang anim na buwan, at kailangan na namang maghanap ng bagong mapagtatrabahuhan.
"Ang pangit, pangit ng buhay," ang malinaw na pagsambit ni Leo. "Pero napagtya-tyagaan ko." Ito ang mga katagang ibinubulong ng Endo. Simple lang mamuhay sa Pilipinas -- mahirap, ngunit napagtya-tyagaan. Na, hindi lang nadadala sa oo o hindi, tama o mali, dito o doon ang isang relasyon. Na, kapag nag-endo na ang pag-ibig, saka lamang natin mararamdaman kung gaano katamis -- at kahapdi -- ang pakiramdam nito, lalung-lalo na kung ang pinagmulang lugar, masikip man at maliit, ay di hamak na totoo.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Sa Kaarawan Mo
Ayaw ko man,
ngunit 'di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko
na batiin ka sa kaarawan mo.
Aaminin ko,
umaasa pa rin ako matapos ang lahat
ng kagaguhan na dinaanan ko nang dahil sa'yo.
Ngunit labag man sa puso ko
(at alam ko na pagtatawanan ako ng buong mundo),
sapat nang malaman ko na masaya ka sa piling nya.
Dahil mas hindi ko maaatim isipin
na maglaho ang mga ngiti sa labi mo
ni isa mang katiting na segundo.
Kaya ngayon sa kaarawan mo,
kahit hindi ko pa napagtatagpi-tagpi ang puso ko,
maligayang,
maligayang,
maligayang bati sa'yo.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Dead Fish and Other Stories
Wanting a short respite from the squalor and desperation that is my life, I went with Jasper yesterday morning to Manila Bay to watch him take photos of the place yet again. We were hoping to spot the rowing team just as we did before, but unfortunately, they weren't present. We did find, however, other interesting things, such as the exercise group led by a sexy soldier-looking man person. More photos behind the image below, and even more at Jasper's Multiply site:
The Star City tower in the distance.
The very first thing we noticed upon arriving was the rancid, salty smell. We didn't have to walk long to find out where it was coming from. Looking out into the bay, there were multitudes of dead fish floating on the surface, no doubt caused by the thick pollution seeping in the depths.
More of the dead fish. There were actually some birds gliding over the surface. I was shouting, "Don't eat the poisoned fisssshhhhhh!!!" but they wouldn't listen.
The line of boats by the bay.
More boats. Yes, that grey thing at the background isn't because of my camera. That's smog.
Let's go to Corregidor!
The exercise group. Most of the people who were there were lolos and lolas. Too bad I wasn't able to take a photo of the soldier man's booty.
Zoom!
And finally, Jasper, ladies and gentlemen.
The Star City tower in the distance.
The very first thing we noticed upon arriving was the rancid, salty smell. We didn't have to walk long to find out where it was coming from. Looking out into the bay, there were multitudes of dead fish floating on the surface, no doubt caused by the thick pollution seeping in the depths.
More of the dead fish. There were actually some birds gliding over the surface. I was shouting, "Don't eat the poisoned fisssshhhhhh!!!" but they wouldn't listen.
The line of boats by the bay.
More boats. Yes, that grey thing at the background isn't because of my camera. That's smog.
Let's go to Corregidor!
The exercise group. Most of the people who were there were lolos and lolas. Too bad I wasn't able to take a photo of the soldier man's booty.
Zoom!
And finally, Jasper, ladies and gentlemen.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The Tragedy of Survival
The past few weeks have been spent stumbling through a series of unfortunate events. I realized that the Universe either has an uncanny sense of timing, or is hell-bent on breaking what's left of my sanity, because just a few days after going through another mind-numbing heartbreak, things at work have begun to unravel as well.
Last week, some major changes affecting our team pushed me over the edge, making me recklessly draw up a resignation letter which I promptly handed over to my boss Monday evening. She didn't sign it. And, to be honest, I'm a little relieved she didn't, because a major change like being suddenly unemplyed -- again -- is something I will not be able to handle sensibly right now, especially at the path my life is going. I am, however, still saddened with the way things are with our department. And I am still wondering if it were unfair for some of my teammates regarding our boss' decision to make me stay. I should have been one of those who were affected by the changes. Instead I'm here, and someone else from the team has taken my place.
It makes me feel so... dirty. So hypocritical. So incapable of doing simple acts of selflessness -- a value which, all my life, I have believed and trusted people to be capable of when the moment faces them. I feel so guilty. I can't help thinking other people must see me as a conniving, callous person, who will, without thought or regard, use his influence on other people just so he could look out for himself, while others suffer in his place.
For the past week, I can't look at my teammates and not see my own cowardice. True, they don't bring it up, and they have been as warm and they can best be, despite the circumstances. Our boss even txted us yesterday after having breakfast that she missed the whole team, the way we have been. But there is still that sharp, jagged chasm of guilt separating me from everyone else, and the depth of it scares me.
In the end however, can I be blamed? If it happens to someone else, and I were in the reverse position, will I be able to understand fully, completely free from spite, why the other person had to do what he did? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure. In the end, I am as weak as any other ordinary, grey-spirited human being. Something I have always wanted to deviate from. I thought I was different, someone special. Someone people could look up to. Turns out I am not special, I am not a hero, and I just want to keep my job and earn enough to pay the bills. I can't afford to dream anymore, or -- and this sounds funny now -- "make a difference." Honestly, I just don't have the energy left for it.
Last week, some major changes affecting our team pushed me over the edge, making me recklessly draw up a resignation letter which I promptly handed over to my boss Monday evening. She didn't sign it. And, to be honest, I'm a little relieved she didn't, because a major change like being suddenly unemplyed -- again -- is something I will not be able to handle sensibly right now, especially at the path my life is going. I am, however, still saddened with the way things are with our department. And I am still wondering if it were unfair for some of my teammates regarding our boss' decision to make me stay. I should have been one of those who were affected by the changes. Instead I'm here, and someone else from the team has taken my place.
It makes me feel so... dirty. So hypocritical. So incapable of doing simple acts of selflessness -- a value which, all my life, I have believed and trusted people to be capable of when the moment faces them. I feel so guilty. I can't help thinking other people must see me as a conniving, callous person, who will, without thought or regard, use his influence on other people just so he could look out for himself, while others suffer in his place.
For the past week, I can't look at my teammates and not see my own cowardice. True, they don't bring it up, and they have been as warm and they can best be, despite the circumstances. Our boss even txted us yesterday after having breakfast that she missed the whole team, the way we have been. But there is still that sharp, jagged chasm of guilt separating me from everyone else, and the depth of it scares me.
In the end however, can I be blamed? If it happens to someone else, and I were in the reverse position, will I be able to understand fully, completely free from spite, why the other person had to do what he did? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure. In the end, I am as weak as any other ordinary, grey-spirited human being. Something I have always wanted to deviate from. I thought I was different, someone special. Someone people could look up to. Turns out I am not special, I am not a hero, and I just want to keep my job and earn enough to pay the bills. I can't afford to dream anymore, or -- and this sounds funny now -- "make a difference." Honestly, I just don't have the energy left for it.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Sur La Dernière Page Du Chapitre
It's been four days, but this hole in my chest is still left gaping and untended. I guess -- just like everything similar that's happened before -- it will be like this until the pain has gone stale and dries up on its own. I've attempted to close it on my terms this time, however:
But I waited too long, and I let my hesitation (fear? self-pity?) get the better of me:
I wasn't really expecting him to answer. I wanted to say a lot of things, though. I wanted to tell him I knew it wouldn't do any good anymore trying to talk to him again, but I wanted to be sure he decided to stop seeing me because he really fell in love with someone. Because if he did, then I would be really, genuinely, truly happy for him. But if the reason for his decision was because of something I did or said or was, then I'd like to know.
Sigh. In any case, I should really be drawing the line now. This is going to be the last page of this chapter. Elmer said it best when he quoted Kirsten Dunst from Elizabethtown, "We are intrepid. We carry on."
But I waited too long, and I let my hesitation (fear? self-pity?) get the better of me:
I wasn't really expecting him to answer. I wanted to say a lot of things, though. I wanted to tell him I knew it wouldn't do any good anymore trying to talk to him again, but I wanted to be sure he decided to stop seeing me because he really fell in love with someone. Because if he did, then I would be really, genuinely, truly happy for him. But if the reason for his decision was because of something I did or said or was, then I'd like to know.
Sigh. In any case, I should really be drawing the line now. This is going to be the last page of this chapter. Elmer said it best when he quoted Kirsten Dunst from Elizabethtown, "We are intrepid. We carry on."