The past few weeks have been spent stumbling through a series of unfortunate events. I realized that the Universe either has an uncanny sense of timing, or is hell-bent on breaking what's left of my sanity, because just a few days after going through another mind-numbing heartbreak, things at work have begun to unravel as well.
Last week, some major changes affecting our team pushed me over the edge, making me recklessly draw up a resignation letter which I promptly handed over to my boss Monday evening. She didn't sign it. And, to be honest, I'm a little relieved she didn't, because a major change like being suddenly unemplyed -- again -- is something I will not be able to handle sensibly right now, especially at the path my life is going. I am, however, still saddened with the way things are with our department. And I am still wondering if it were unfair for some of my teammates regarding our boss' decision to make me stay. I should have been one of those who were affected by the changes. Instead I'm here, and someone else from the team has taken my place.
It makes me feel so... dirty. So hypocritical. So incapable of doing simple acts of selflessness -- a value which, all my life, I have believed and trusted people to be capable of when the moment faces them. I feel so guilty. I can't help thinking other people must see me as a conniving, callous person, who will, without thought or regard, use his influence on other people just so he could look out for himself, while others suffer in his place.
For the past week, I can't look at my teammates and not see my own cowardice. True, they don't bring it up, and they have been as warm and they can best be, despite the circumstances. Our boss even txted us yesterday after having breakfast that she missed the whole team, the way we have been. But there is still that sharp, jagged chasm of guilt separating me from everyone else, and the depth of it scares me.
In the end however, can I be blamed? If it happens to someone else, and I were in the reverse position, will I be able to understand fully, completely free from spite, why the other person had to do what he did? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure. In the end, I am as weak as any other ordinary, grey-spirited human being. Something I have always wanted to deviate from. I thought I was different, someone special. Someone people could look up to. Turns out I am not special, I am not a hero, and I just want to keep my job and earn enough to pay the bills. I can't afford to dream anymore, or -- and this sounds funny now -- "make a difference." Honestly, I just don't have the energy left for it.
