Same Shit, Different Day

"I woke up and there it was."

I swear it sounded funny in my head when I woke up... and it sounded like a start to a really bad novel too. Not bad as in badly written, but bad as in Damn, That's Bad Shit, Good Thing It's Not Happening To Me.

So something like that to capitalize the day, I had to get up and get on with whatever it was that needed getting on with. I can't even say 'my life' because I don't even know if I had any more control of it as I do now. Funny even to think that I do at this point.

Same Shit, Different Day. That's what it was.

Sure it's amusing sometimes. And it's a life worth living. Great friends, tolerable relatives, no pets... But that's it. I know there are a lot of things I can do. Boy, there sure are a lot of things I CAN DO. But the point is Do I Want To Do Them?

What do I want to do? I've thought about this wild idea a lot of times. I want to fake my death, and then emerge somewhere in some remote place in Northern Europe, maybe the edge of a forest there and just live by myself. I don't need anything, or anyone else. I want a cozy place, with food in my backyard, get a little fire going and maybe some old books to read. It'd be a riot.

Now it seems like I'm stuck here, with everything ahead of me waaaaaaaay too blurry for me to be confident of how everything would turn out. Before I used to be content just by saying everything is going to be better. Most of the times I don't even have to say it cos everyone around me's saying it loud and clear anyway. I don't trust them, but I draw whatever comfort I can. They're just people after all.

"I woke up and there it was."

That was what my head said this morning when I woke up. It sounded funny. And it's the first non-automatic thing I've said in a long time. It's the first REAL THING I realized I said. There it was. And it's gone now.