It's been a while since I've seen the old, weather-worn capiz window in my room this way. Almost like an apparition of my grandmother (this was her room before she died and I moved in), watching over me, telling me, "It'll be all right, I'll cover you."
It's been a while since I've heard a stray dog barking or the bells of an ice cream vendor ringing somewhere far off in the streets. Closing my eyes it almost feels like if I step out of the house, I'd be seeing the friends I used to play with (Reggie, Bimbo, Lianne, Ecel and her brother Coy-Coy, Loloy, Christian, and the other neighborhood kids) on the other side of the street, hanging out in front of Reggie's house, and thinking about what game to play next -- patintero, habulan, langit-lupa -- or talking about the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode.
I'd wave to them, run across the street, and, after a few minutes of teasing Bimbo how much he likes the girl who just moved in the neighborhood, proceed to playing tumbang preso in the streets well until after dinnertime.
That was many, many, many years ago I'm afraid. I don't even know where most of my friends are now. Of course Lianne, Hono'o-chan, is still here and we still talk. And Bimbo, being Lianne's brother, I still get to see once in a while when he drops by the store or I visit their house. But the others, I don't even know where they live anymore.
Maybe I can remember the point when our childhood friendship began its descent. I know it was different for each of us, but from my eyes, that was when I began to lose them one by one. When I was 14 I came out to them. I didn't go out of the house since. I couldn't, and I didn't want to, because they made it clear I wasn't welcome anymore. Except for Lianne, I never talked with any of them after. Until eventually, I got caught up with other things, made new friends, and slowly... slowly... forgot.
Years and years later, today, after two weeks of working non-stop, I finally get an official day off. I celebrated last night with two friends, getting drunk at Anthology, the same place Barny and I went to last week. At around 1AM, I got home devoid of money, sanity, and stress, and, collapsing on the bed almost immediately, I dreamt quiet, pleasant, ghost-like dreams.
As I'm finishing writing this journal entry, I can still hear the barks of a stray dog outside, and there's still a bell ringing but this time it's from a binatog vendor. A rooster joined the small orchestration, and maybe a few maya birds chirping, perched on the electric wires. It's still sunny and a bit hot but the wind is starting to pick up. Closing my eyes I can hear the laughter of my youth echoing in some distant unknown plane, beckoning me to step into the light. My grandmother urges me to walk.
Lovely, lovely, lovely...
