Death By Snakes

i wanted to do something. go somewhere. it was a shout or a murmur, i don't exactly remember. it was something that caught me, hooked my heart. it was like a snake encircling its prey. slowly moving in. constricting. squeezing the body of its victim, me, for all the life it was worth...

i could do nothing but look up to the sky. i didn't realize it was nighttime. i could see stars but it could have been morning. i could have been imagining the stars. it all looked so unreal anyway. i felt like i was exhaling my breath into the stars, giving them life, making them brighter. holding on.

i was aware of the snake. behind me, the rattle, in front of me, the hiss. like the first few bars of a song, the first few steps of a dance. shyly, slowly rising, waiting for the crescendo of notes. taunting. waiting. challenging me to break free from its grasp. i do not look at the snake. i was intent on looking at the stars. i trusted that as long as i can see the stars, i shall remain alive, undaunted by the hisses and rattles and taunts of the snake.

i am aware of my breathing. i am thinking how strong i must be. smiling stupidly to myself. i am still breathing. i am still alive. i am not beaten. telling myself i will win this. hoping against hope that i, the visionary, the artist, the poet, the friend, the son, the lover, will emerge bloodied and scarred but triumphant.

although i know (oh god, i know), i know that there is a persistent voice at the back of my head, at the musty passages of my mind, i know that it whispers again and again that i am only fooling myself. that i am beaten. that i have already lost. like a small flute amidst an orchestra, the voice remains. seemingly insignificant, but actually invaluable. strong. resonant. dissonant.

it tells me the snake was mine after all. i conjured it myself. i gave it life to give me death. i secretly longed for death. and the stars... i yearned to be with them. to gravitate. to burn. to dissipate. to be gone.

secretly, i wanted these things. on the surface, acting all normal and denying them, thinking them unreal, unnatural, wrong. acting as a proper and good little human being. dispensing "i'm ok's" and "i'm fine's," but secretly i wanted it. i longed for it... i still long for it.

oh god, it's a fantasy...