The Only Way, Way Out Is To Go So Far In

i admit, i am SELFISH. i've been one for as long as my tongue existed. only, i thought i was being smart about it so no one really noticed the little something which lurked behind my eyes. something secretly evil. subtly vile. silently conniving. delicately calculating. innocently deceiving. i justify everything i do in perfect accuracy so that even the COSMOS would think i was being such a prudent little boy. and i thought the cosmos was pretty easy to deceive.

but no. ohhhhh... no. i have been eating a very expensive dish, taking in more than i can chew. and the dish is named GREED. it was hot, scalding my tongue. it burns, but i didn't mind. i wanted it all to myself, wash it all down with sensuous, lustful, intoxicating red wine until i am sated. (and i am not...)

it's only now i'm sensing the aftertaste. the bitter, black, battery acid aftertaste of selfishness. lining my throat it does; filling my gut; poisoning my veins. and i deserve every fucking molecule of it. every fucking cell. every goddamned nucleus, eating away my innards and leaving sweet, INSANE, dark purple spots on my soul. i deserve all of it. (i want it all...)

i am frenzied by its universality. causality. the cosmic lunacy of it all. all my twenty two years, everything is just CRASHING down on me now. all of its maddening weight only now. i am drugged and seduced. i want to be eaten away. purged. i swear i will swallow. and i will even swallow more if you feed me yourself. (if you feed me more...)

oh god. goddess. demon. whore. i don't understand everything in this comically, cosmically unbalanced world, and i don't presume to, but i ask of you, i PLEAD of you: please, if you want to dig a hole in my chest, i implore you to do it correctly. kill me if you must, i am CONFIDENT you will only resurrect me again. because i know you would not be able to RESIST. no. death would be shameless. pointless. easy. an utter waste. for if you do kill me, your playing field that is my soul, my mind, my heart will be no more if you extinguish all that i am. all that i was. all i will be. (all. all. everything.)

oh god. goddess. ancient water vapors in the sky. cleanse me. wash me. bless me. i need your sweet BENEDICTION on my lips. my hair. my skin. on skin. on skin. save me from vanity, from sanity. from everything that is everything, that is eating away all that is nothing, that is me.

sweet blasphemy. sweet heresy. this is the gospel truth. and this is me. and i am SELFISH as selfish can be.

amen.