And The Cosmos Smiled

for the past three weeks, the gears in my brain have been constantly at work because of the nonstop flow of information. it has never worked this hard for a long time, i'm feeling quite fascinated by the occurrence. i might be getting super tired after each day ends, i might be getting sick of always having some sort of shape or size or color of network problems, and i might be developing a strong love for san mig light, but the bottom line is i'm having a spankin' good time.

yeah, i'm shouting it out to the whole world like a fuck you sign: I'M HAVING A HELL LOT OF FUN. now if you're going to spoil it or take it away just because i mentioned it instead of keeping it to myself, I DON'T CARE. because if you take it away from me, IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE. i've tasted what it's like to be happy, even for a few weeks of my sorry life.

and the feeling was accentuated by such a beautiful, beautiful view from the 30th floor of jg summit...

my camera phone's a poor excuse... the sun was a perfect bright yellow circle, manila bay cast ripples of playful reflection, haze hovered like a thousand angels above the water... but still. breathtaking, ne?

They're Just Quizzes... Right?

20 Questions To A Better Relationship

You are a RSIT -- Reserved Sentimental Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Archetypal Older Child

You are a hard nut to crack. You have a wicked sense of humor. Despite your reserved nature, you are more comfortable (and successful) in the meeting and courting mode than you are in a long term relationship. You feel misunderstood, and usually you are.

When you're in a good mood, you're funny, fascinating and a sexy firecracker, but when you're in a bad mood you are moody, broody and impatient. In courtship mode, you don't have to let anyone see your moody side. If you had your way, even in a long term relationship you would have enough time apart to deal with your bad moods yourself; unfortunately, it rarely works that way.

You stifle A LOT of anger and frustration -- from all areas of your life -- so when it comes out, it comes out nasty. More than any other type, your conflicts tend to turn on one tiny thing -- the dishes, the laundry -- that's really a scapegoat for your larger dissatisfactions with your relationship. You're baffled that your partner just can't do the dishes -- your partner is baffled that it's such a big deal. The only way around it is to let the dishes go entirely and try to get at the real root of what's bothering you.

I'm making you sound like a bear, but the fact is that you're so warm and charming most of the time that it effectively offsets the times you're unhappy.

You will make a weirdly good parent.

Don't pair up with someone who'll make sexual demands of you. That's just not going to fly at all.

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20 Questions To A Better Personality

You are a WEDL -- Wacky Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Anarchist.



You don't give a damn. When push comes to shove, you just forget about it--it's just not worth the heartache. What this means for others is that dealing with you can be aggravating, because they find they can't get you motivated about things they care about. What this means for you is that you are happier, calmer, and saner then they are on their best days.

You are near-immune to criticism, and those who know you well acknowledge and respect that. You may come across as lazy, but the truth is that you find little to get worked up about. Regardless, you have slews of friends, because they are fascinated by your world view, jealous of your lifestyle, and drawn to the fact that you are hilarious to be around.

You are a pillar in a sea of hot-bloodedness. You have a sweet tooth.

The Filipino Experience

i don't know how to describe the past week. it was good, actually. short of being hilarious. every dinner i've had included a minor count of three mishaps -- bumping a painful area on my knee somewhere sharp, squirting calamnsi on my clothes, someone else spilling iced tea on my lap... i was almost waiting for the whole restaurant to collapse.

right now i just finished halfway through the client-specific training. i don't know the results of the exams yet. crossing my fingers for a passing mark. at least a passing mark. if not, well, i'm already psyched for it. i can get booze at some ministop somewhere or movie-marathon myself 'til i pass out. heh. either way, pass or fail, i'll be having a good time afterwards.

--

the other day i went with a new friend, jade, to carriedo to look for info on how to get an nbi clearance. we got there around 4 so we just decided to put it off til saturday and just walk around the area. now, wanderlust hits me a lot, but when it does, i just try to stick to my territory, that being the makati area. but since we were there already, i thought i might as well take in the unique experience.

i told jade i've never felt so filipino in my whole life. looking at the community around quiapo church, it was so... rich in culture. so thick, you can stick out your tongue and lick it. (unsanitary i know, but you get the idea. hehe...)

i even have a souvenir picture...

hmm... i think i caught a slight whiff of the action going on in there. or maybe that was just wishful thinking. or my libido. hehe...

Why Sometimes I Couldn't Care Less

the team i'm in is supposed to handle emails. i would sound like a whooping big ass wimp if i say something like, "omg, thank goodness i don't have to contend with calls and talk with people," but then again, if there's one thing i'm not afraid of proclaiming to the whole world, it's me being a big ass wimp. so... OMG, THANK GOODNESS I DON'T HAVE TO CONTEND WITH CALLS AND TALK WITH PEOPLE.

one catch though, we might sometimes be called in to take voice calls if the queue goes really high. the trainors said it doesn't happen often, and it will be voluntary for us, but still.

anyway, not surprisingly, most of my teammates think that it was such a big disappointment. they said they'd rather answer calls or be transferred to another skill set. "it's more CHALLENGING."

now that's a big word for me. challenging. for me, words like that belong in another parallel universe altogether. but hey, to say i'm afraid of challenges would be a bit inaccurate. for me, the word challenge is just that -- a word.

if, for instance, a professor or someone who knows better poses some situation as a challenge, it would affect me neither positively nor adversely. blah. ok, so right, it's categorized under the "challenges" section. for me it's just another ordinary situation. ordinary enough for me to sometimes forget, or disregard, or not just take seriously. if i do it, i do it; if i don't, i don't. of course, I'D RATHER NOT, but for all intents and purposes in this hole of a life, i still try to do it. sometimes.

goes the same for DARES. i'm always, "what the hell?" so what if it's a dare. i'd do it if i want to, i won't if i don't.

.....

ok i think my soul just lost experience points. sigh. next life probably i'd devolve into some dirt-chewing animal. no different from what i'm going through now, come to think of it. heh.

Trying To Get My Groove Back

how the hell am i supposed to sleep now? work tomorrow starts 6AM. it was a bad move for me to give in to sleepiness earlier at 6. now i'm awake and i probably won't be able to sleep until later. gosh i just hope i don't fall asleep while in training.

--

things to do before the 13th (just so i could remember them):

- submit 1902 and e1 form to some girl (has to be after work tomorrow)
- get nbi clearance (tomorrow too if possible... ask someone to go with me)
- get transcript of records (scary... haven't set foot in school for a long ass time)
- another picture taken, 2x2 (must not tie my hair back this time)
- get myself a nifty container for coffee
- look up other things i forget

--

aside. ok, to you who i didn't talk to during lunchtime at seattle's best last thursday. i'm sorry if i didn't. i was studying and you were with someone. even if we were only one table apart, i felt it was still a bit awkward. i wasn't being snotty at all, and if i appeared to be, i'm really sorry. you know my moods -- i'm always cranky, especially before a major test.

besides, what was i supposed to say? you, on the other hand, had a lot to tell.

I Sing The Blues When I Have To Baby

there was nothing i could do when
the elevator door said its sweet good bye
except swallow my hi and choke back a chance
for a sad hello to slide out and wait
until the blues bleed me dry.

but baby it really doesn't matter when
the rain falls down in sheets just like
when tears fall out of place --
i sing the blues when i have to baby
oh baby i sing the blues.

i know you're tired of kissing when
i see sparkles in your eyes
which were a bit, but not too quite
just a little over sad lovin'
because those sparkles were coming from mine.

but baby it really doesn't matter when
the clouds won't part at all.
it's just like any other day with you
because that's when i sing the blues,
and i sing the blues when i have to baby,

that's when i sing the blues,
oh baby i sing the blues.
and when you're gone i sing the blues
and that's when i have to baby
oh baby i sing the blues...

I Shouldn't Be Here

i started work yesterday. honestly i'm still not sure how i feel about it. i'm not feeling good, or any sense of anticipation for that matter; nor am i feeling absolutely bad... to say i'm adjusting would fall short of what i'm actually feeling. i guess part of it is the awkwardness of being a newbie. annnnnd the larger part... i really don't know.

the people have been really, really ok. the trainers have been nothing else but great, and my batchmates are genuinely nice. (i'd definitely remember my groupmates most of all -- anna, who is the oldest among us but looks the youngest; alvin, who used to work at gma and is very serious; manelle, who is very pretty that i had to sketch her without her knowing; gina, the gorgeous ex-flight attendant and the single mother; and ariel, the timid hacker.) so it's definitely not the people who are making me feel this oddly.

weird, but sometimes i would find myself thinking, "i shouldn't be here!" and actually almost start saying it, but i cut myself after "i~sh..."

come to think of it, i've always felt like that. even in school before, i would think to myself i shouldn't be there. i would think i should be somewhere else, DOING something else. anywhere i try to put myself into, i find out after a while i'm not supposed to be there.

and maybe that's why most of the times i leave things half-baked. most of the times, i would be perceived as a QUITTER because i just walk out on something i feel i'm not supposed to be in.

like in grade two soccer. i only attended a few weekends, then i didn't show up anymore. (i stayed long enough for the cool uniforms tho.)

and in 4th grade, i took up violin lessons. after a few sessions, i transferred to glee club. and realizing the maestro had a bad ass attitude, i decided not to attend anymore.

it transcended in high school during citizen's army training. half of the year i just upped and left. all the teachers were in a panic on what to do since i've been an honor student ever since prep, and then suddenly i pull a stunt like that? what the hell right?

and don't even make me count the leaves of absence and course drops i filed (or most of the times i didn't even bother to file) during college. i honestly lost track.

right now, with this job, i have a slight inkling in my mind that i would just suddenly walk out as well. (although if i'm going to, it might as well be during the training period since it will be more convenient for me and for the company that way.) even if i have a hell lot of reasons to stay -- like the necessity to earn money, for instance. i've already talked with allan about this and he thinks it's possible i do that too -- walk out i mean -- but he's asking me to try it out at least for four months. i told him i'll try as best as i can. still, i'm feeling... iffy about things. "i shouldn't be here."

everytime, EVERYTIME it's always been like that for me. i don't know what i want, and what i want to do. i'm well aware of the fact that if i just stick to things, i definitely will excel. the thing is, it's the sticking part that's causing me problems. i just can't. because mostly i feel I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

now what would that be?

imagine a google of ideas, a million or two sentences, a hundred or so words, all mixing up in a tornado of a magnitude the size of which could drill a hole on jupiter... and then nothing.

it means if i find out, i'll blog about it.




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QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time." (Michelle Branch, Goodbye To You)

Reason? What Reason?

there is no simple explanation for it. i am hopelessly addicted to skyblade and i have no idea why. it's not the graphics, it's not the sound, it's not the gameplay, it's not the interaction... but there's an annoying little something that is absolutely keeping me hooked like i'm not starting work on monday.

ok let's dissect some of its aspects. starting the game, one has no choice but to rush into the fray of hacking/slashing in the novice field. there will be no other things to do, no matter how many ctrl keyboard combinations one pushes, except to left click at a noisy, whining (snorting farting belching) monster and grab the items it drops. good thing one doesn't have to frantically click the mouse button repeatedly for a continuous attack -- one neat click is enough to make the character into a mad, rampaging, sword-wielding, hair-being-whipped-by-the-wind martial artist. anyway, this is done until the character reaches level 15 or so.

within that span of 15 levels, the player is expected to learn some things already, like the pricing of some manufacturing items. (i once sold a chestnut for 200 gold pieces, finding out it actually costs 1,000 gold pieces.) and also some basic commands like how to bring up the trade window, private messaging, and creating and joining parties.

other than those, the player will also learn that one wouldn't be able to meditate until he is level 10, wouldn't be able to jump until he is level 20, wouldn't be able to fly until level 30, THE ACTUAL STORY^* DOESN'T START UNTIL HE IS LEVEL 33, and one wouldn't be able to use his powers until he is in bloody level 55, and until then there is nothing to do but hack and fucking slash.

so why do i like this game? I HAVE NO IDEA.

now if you'll excuse me, i will be at the overlord server, smashing golems in the wilderness.


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^*the story's quite neat actually, being derived from chinese (or korean) mythology. check out the story here.

Suntok Sa Buwan

ok ok... i know i've made a lot of supposedly bad decisions in the past, and i try as best as i can to stick by them. how could this one be any different? one thing i've learned, oft times things aren't as bad as they seem. closer looks count for a lot. maybe if i give this one a chance first before nipping it in the bud, i may actually enjoy it. and friends are really helping me out on this one.

do i sound like i'm just trying to convince myself? puchangshet. i'm missing the pensioneer's life already...

Sick In More Ways Than One

goodness i should be doing a lot of things right now, but i'm sick sick sick. so sick i think my nose will fall off any second if i don't keep a big-ass hanky, my left hand, and globs of vicks glueing it to my face.

well, actually i finished one thing i was supposed to do -- a speech my mother will be delivering for some event in her school tomorrow. i thunk about it and got it all on a file approximately one hour lying down with lappie being kept erect by my mutant emerging pot belly and three pillows under my thighs. to top it all off, my face was stuffed with that hanky and vicks solution, looking like a wild monster flower in mid-bloom. thinking about it now, i must have seemed like a virgin sacrifice ready to be forked and thrown in a volcano.

(shivers...) must shake that image off my brain.

meanwhile, what else do i have to do. oh right. WORRY. i might be starting an actual job on monday. MIGHT being the operative word. because as with everything else, i'm not sure if i really want to do this. ok, i know i HAVE to do this, since i really, no, our family really needs the extra money but... I'M SELFISH OK?

well, not selfish-selfish, but selfish as in i really put my wants in balance with my needs. compromise is something i rarely want to have to deal with.

i was with a friend earlier, and i told him about this particular issue of mine, about actually starting to work. he said, "ganyan talaga." and i was like, ok. whenever someone says "ganyan talaga" to me, it seems as if i'm from a totally different universe. like i don't really know how it's like to live as a human being. i want to say, "ah, ganyan talaga? kasi sa nakagawian ko, hindi ganyan talaga." because i really believe things don't always go as one sees it (or as one is used to seeing it). "futures have a way of falling in mid-flight," as that poem goes. and i want to know which other way i can go.

but see, that's one of my problems too. i've put my life on hold for a long time already, give or take two years. for two years i've been trying to ask myself what i really want to do with my life. the best answer i can come up with is just "what i want to do," period. the "with my life" part just floats away unbidden and i stop dead in my tracks. what life?

and now i'm forced to take a path. i can't be on hold forever. i guess i can only hope that with this road i'm taking it'll get me somewhere. i'm so tired of wandering aimlessly.

What Just Happened?

oh my. i think i lost a whole week. i know i did a lot of things, my memory could attest to that, and i know i went places trying to figure out how to grow up, but... what the hell just happened? i don't even think i can recall writing anything serious at all about the past week. or sketching something i liked. or even receiving a goshdarned mushy txt message that made me go "aww hell" like that.

right now, everything's been like a blurry montage. a languid fashion show with music as if resonating from a deep well. bored models strutting on the catwalk, caked with electric colors for make up and tattered clothes one wouldn't actually wear. i know i got rained on, and i know i had a blast with a friend for his birthday, and i know i went thru all sorts of things pretending to be a grown-up.. but i can't help feeling something's amiss. like i should be doing something important.

early this evening i was on the mrt going to ortigas and the feeling was weird, to put it lightly. i had music on but what i could hear was the metallic buzzing of the train on the tracks, almost like a yawning monster. and the colors of dusk were the dullest smattering of grey light i have ever seen. i felt like i'm on autopilot. lifeless, aimless, and a low, dissonant blur.

i don't even know what i should be trying to figure out right now. when i started writing this entry, i was hoping towards the end i'd be able to zero in on what i needed to know. because that's how writing has always been for me -- a way to break down something incoherent and eventually make sense of it somehow. it isn't true now. now i just feel like i turned over an abstract painting... and everything still doesn't make sense.

mahaba-habang inuman...

And The Applause Was Loud

the heavens appluaded me for a magnificent performance the other day. i could hear the cheers of the audience ringing in my ears, smelling wonderful red and green smells around me. i was almost crying with orgasmic anticipation for the next second, and the next, and the next... and it seemed like it would last forever.

i knew i didn't have the power but i tried everything i could to prolong the feeling. i bowed lower, i smiled to everyone, i laughed, i walked left, i walked right... because i knew i would only be able gaze into the eyes of that particular emotion once and i'm not sure if i would still be able to feel it after a very long time.

but like all good promises, the promise of spending eternity under the canopy of gratuitous praise had to be broken, and i had to strip myself of everything. paula cole said she was a self-obsessed artist. i guess i am too. heaven got tired of the applause and everywhere was silent. i was all washed up, and i had to set foot home.

i'm going to miss walking under the rain.