I Shouldn't Be Here

i started work yesterday. honestly i'm still not sure how i feel about it. i'm not feeling good, or any sense of anticipation for that matter; nor am i feeling absolutely bad... to say i'm adjusting would fall short of what i'm actually feeling. i guess part of it is the awkwardness of being a newbie. annnnnd the larger part... i really don't know.

the people have been really, really ok. the trainers have been nothing else but great, and my batchmates are genuinely nice. (i'd definitely remember my groupmates most of all -- anna, who is the oldest among us but looks the youngest; alvin, who used to work at gma and is very serious; manelle, who is very pretty that i had to sketch her without her knowing; gina, the gorgeous ex-flight attendant and the single mother; and ariel, the timid hacker.) so it's definitely not the people who are making me feel this oddly.

weird, but sometimes i would find myself thinking, "i shouldn't be here!" and actually almost start saying it, but i cut myself after "i~sh..."

come to think of it, i've always felt like that. even in school before, i would think to myself i shouldn't be there. i would think i should be somewhere else, DOING something else. anywhere i try to put myself into, i find out after a while i'm not supposed to be there.

and maybe that's why most of the times i leave things half-baked. most of the times, i would be perceived as a QUITTER because i just walk out on something i feel i'm not supposed to be in.

like in grade two soccer. i only attended a few weekends, then i didn't show up anymore. (i stayed long enough for the cool uniforms tho.)

and in 4th grade, i took up violin lessons. after a few sessions, i transferred to glee club. and realizing the maestro had a bad ass attitude, i decided not to attend anymore.

it transcended in high school during citizen's army training. half of the year i just upped and left. all the teachers were in a panic on what to do since i've been an honor student ever since prep, and then suddenly i pull a stunt like that? what the hell right?

and don't even make me count the leaves of absence and course drops i filed (or most of the times i didn't even bother to file) during college. i honestly lost track.

right now, with this job, i have a slight inkling in my mind that i would just suddenly walk out as well. (although if i'm going to, it might as well be during the training period since it will be more convenient for me and for the company that way.) even if i have a hell lot of reasons to stay -- like the necessity to earn money, for instance. i've already talked with allan about this and he thinks it's possible i do that too -- walk out i mean -- but he's asking me to try it out at least for four months. i told him i'll try as best as i can. still, i'm feeling... iffy about things. "i shouldn't be here."

everytime, EVERYTIME it's always been like that for me. i don't know what i want, and what i want to do. i'm well aware of the fact that if i just stick to things, i definitely will excel. the thing is, it's the sticking part that's causing me problems. i just can't. because mostly i feel I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

now what would that be?

imagine a google of ideas, a million or two sentences, a hundred or so words, all mixing up in a tornado of a magnitude the size of which could drill a hole on jupiter... and then nothing.

it means if i find out, i'll blog about it.




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QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time." (Michelle Branch, Goodbye To You)