Sick In More Ways Than One

goodness i should be doing a lot of things right now, but i'm sick sick sick. so sick i think my nose will fall off any second if i don't keep a big-ass hanky, my left hand, and globs of vicks glueing it to my face.

well, actually i finished one thing i was supposed to do -- a speech my mother will be delivering for some event in her school tomorrow. i thunk about it and got it all on a file approximately one hour lying down with lappie being kept erect by my mutant emerging pot belly and three pillows under my thighs. to top it all off, my face was stuffed with that hanky and vicks solution, looking like a wild monster flower in mid-bloom. thinking about it now, i must have seemed like a virgin sacrifice ready to be forked and thrown in a volcano.

(shivers...) must shake that image off my brain.

meanwhile, what else do i have to do. oh right. WORRY. i might be starting an actual job on monday. MIGHT being the operative word. because as with everything else, i'm not sure if i really want to do this. ok, i know i HAVE to do this, since i really, no, our family really needs the extra money but... I'M SELFISH OK?

well, not selfish-selfish, but selfish as in i really put my wants in balance with my needs. compromise is something i rarely want to have to deal with.

i was with a friend earlier, and i told him about this particular issue of mine, about actually starting to work. he said, "ganyan talaga." and i was like, ok. whenever someone says "ganyan talaga" to me, it seems as if i'm from a totally different universe. like i don't really know how it's like to live as a human being. i want to say, "ah, ganyan talaga? kasi sa nakagawian ko, hindi ganyan talaga." because i really believe things don't always go as one sees it (or as one is used to seeing it). "futures have a way of falling in mid-flight," as that poem goes. and i want to know which other way i can go.

but see, that's one of my problems too. i've put my life on hold for a long time already, give or take two years. for two years i've been trying to ask myself what i really want to do with my life. the best answer i can come up with is just "what i want to do," period. the "with my life" part just floats away unbidden and i stop dead in my tracks. what life?

and now i'm forced to take a path. i can't be on hold forever. i guess i can only hope that with this road i'm taking it'll get me somewhere. i'm so tired of wandering aimlessly.