What Just Happened?

oh my. i think i lost a whole week. i know i did a lot of things, my memory could attest to that, and i know i went places trying to figure out how to grow up, but... what the hell just happened? i don't even think i can recall writing anything serious at all about the past week. or sketching something i liked. or even receiving a goshdarned mushy txt message that made me go "aww hell" like that.

right now, everything's been like a blurry montage. a languid fashion show with music as if resonating from a deep well. bored models strutting on the catwalk, caked with electric colors for make up and tattered clothes one wouldn't actually wear. i know i got rained on, and i know i had a blast with a friend for his birthday, and i know i went thru all sorts of things pretending to be a grown-up.. but i can't help feeling something's amiss. like i should be doing something important.

early this evening i was on the mrt going to ortigas and the feeling was weird, to put it lightly. i had music on but what i could hear was the metallic buzzing of the train on the tracks, almost like a yawning monster. and the colors of dusk were the dullest smattering of grey light i have ever seen. i felt like i'm on autopilot. lifeless, aimless, and a low, dissonant blur.

i don't even know what i should be trying to figure out right now. when i started writing this entry, i was hoping towards the end i'd be able to zero in on what i needed to know. because that's how writing has always been for me -- a way to break down something incoherent and eventually make sense of it somehow. it isn't true now. now i just feel like i turned over an abstract painting... and everything still doesn't make sense.

mahaba-habang inuman...