Group Hug

Because it's healthy, that's why.

The E-Word

Last night before falling asleep, I had one thought in my mind: QA Evaluation. Yup, my QA Evaluation will hit me hard Wednesday morning. So that was what I was thinking about -- to wake up early, check my email, and pray to the cosmos I pass.

It wasn't a big deal for me before, really. But it got to me somehow. After surviving seven QA Evaluations (and passing all of them too), the pressure kinda builds up for one not to fail. Because what would happen if you suddenly fail? Imagine passing all of your evaluations and then you suddenly miss a step? Pressure, baby.

The same reason why I'm very uncomfortable being recognized. People EXPECT things. And what would happen if I suddenly didn't reach their expectations? Disappointment. Not them being disappointed in me, no, I can handle that. It's the disappointment of me letting them down. Their belief in me should have been enough to tell me I can do it. Instead I fell short. Not a good feeling.

So in the office as much as possible I keep quiet. It may seem very aloof to some (ok, most) people but really, I prefer things to be that way. I don't want people recognizing how great and wonderful I am (naks) because then they'd always expect me to be great and wonderful -- which I am not. Not all the time. :P

Evil little things, aren't they? Expectations. Standards. I find the words arrogant and selfish. It's like saying I deserve the things I desire. (I might be biting my foot here, but I apologize -- this is my journal after all.) For me, the words deserve and desire are worlds apart. I firmly believe in "One gets what one deserves, not what one desires."

This would mean (for me) that expectations and standards are mere illusions. They're just words. Words made up to comfort people who need something to hold on to, to keep them sane. To make them feel better about themselves. To tell them I am in control of my life, I know what I want and I'm going to get it.

OK, I have nothing against those people. If it works for them then fine. It's their life and their sanity after all. And ideally, it's a positive way of thinking about things anyway, so what's wrong with that right? That kind of thinking just doesn't work for me is all. Tsk. Arrogant.

What gets to me is when they impose what they believe in me. When they say, "I expect you to..." or "My standards for liking you are..." it's enough for me to balefully glare at them with a coldness worthy of a spot in the polar ice caps and walk away. I know my own personality goddamnit all to hell. BUT I also accept that it's part of living -- interacting with people of different principles -- and one has to learn to compromise after all. (So in this life, I have become best friends with the word COMPROMISE.)

A couple of friends told me that, "once and for all, I'm setting my standards high." And I was biting my tongue, telling myself not to pick a fight. Let them pursue their personal happiness the way they want to. They'll learn things when the time comes.

Not to say that I've learned my lesson. I admit I still have to learn a lot. And what I say here are not absolute truths of the universe. (Journals do have a way of evaporating arrogance, selfishness, and egocentricity.) This is just my brain talking... and I EXPECT it to talk like this.




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AFTERTHOUGHT: I just checked my mail and yay, I passed! This calls for a celebration. Blueberry cheesecake later with hot chocolate! :)

What The Cosmos Wants

I miss writing a hell lot. I have a google of unfinished stories and trailing lines and words from months before all sitting in my hard drive. (I say sitting because I can't think of any other word which might describe what they're doing other than sitting -- because I think they're not just sitting.)

I need to read more if I want to write better. The book I bought last Sunday? I haven't started reading it yet. I can't seem to take it out of my bag. Whenever I open my bag, it's to take out my mug for coffee. I see the book inside, consider taking it out and reading a few pages, and end up taking out the mug instead.

I'm not sure if it's because of work, or if it's because of some unknown complex mechanism in my brain which I'm still trying to figure out... but I don't know. I guess I'm just saying.

Heh. I remember the times whenever I'm doing schoolwork, I'd always do them at the last minute -- the night before the deadline. All night through early morning I'd be complaining to everyone I can talk with online and on the phone how pressured I am and how ideas won't come into my head. And when 3AM or 4AM hits, everything would just fall into place and I'd be able to produce a whole magazine or novelette in a span of a few hours.

Right now, day off from work I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things. But maybe one day is not enough for me to get my brain to start working the way I want it to. Heck, it took me YEARS to make up my mind and apply for a paying job. I wonder how long it would take to get me to start writing again. Or drawing again.

Paulo Coelho said if we want something, the universe will conspire to give it to us. But the moment I start believing that, I lose sight over what I really want. It's confusing. I know I want to write and draw again. But right now those things are further from the path that the universe is showing me. Do I trust it?

Do I have a choice? Seriously...

Killing Time And Other Stories

So. I'm waaaay too early to be here in the office. The floor's eerily quiet. I've finished setting up my tools and there's nothing left more to do but wait for 1AM to hit.

Meanwhile, I wonder what should I do. Hmm. I could draw. Yeah that would be nice. I have a new pen. I could draw with a pen again. It's been a long time since I drew with a pen. Yeah, I can do that.

OR. I can read. Yeah, that's a good idea. I got this book today, I mean, yesterday. Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman. Funny because Friday night, a friend's boyf brought his copy with him. He said he got it from Singapore or Hongkong or somewhere else. Before that, I haven't seen a copy of the damned book since about over a year ago in Bibliarch. I was not able to buy it then because I was still a poor and penniless college student. Now I'm a money-grubbing bastard, and I can buy whatever book I want seconds after seeing it on display at Sketch Books. Amazing how the universe conspires to bring you what you want.

So anyway, what else can I do? Right, well, I guess I can blog. So what about? I wonder...

Oh my, look at the time. 12:35AM. Enough of life's trivialities. Another week of answering emails from Americans in distress over the dragon that is technology awaits.

Lucid Interval

Reverted to old layout. Still too hungover to think about anything else. Going back to sleep in three... two... *thud*

This Isn't Quite Right

OK. New layout... Tested on Mozilla Firefox, works fine. Seen on Internet Explorer... not really pleasing to the eyes. I'm not sure why tho. Sigh. Will try to find a workaround over the weekend. If not, I might put in a script blocking IE users.

That's how much I love Firefox. :D

Oh Yeah

... and I won't deny the fact that ever since I started doing emails, I have been writing like chicken shit on my blog. Argh. My muse got fed up with techno-blabbing and templates, and has left me to fend for myself. My entries are now reduced to negative-mediocrity. I would gag, but I forgot how to write about it in humorous, somewhat sardonic detail. Pfeh.

Also, I am terribly missing Neverwinter, casting spells, and smashing golems.

I kinda want my old life back. But I'm not complaining. I guess. Somewhat.

...

OK, I'm going try and sleep now. Um. Good night.

Me On Sugar High

So at last the week is over for me! I have tomorrow until Sunday afternoon off. Wow, it feels so good to have a three-day weekend ahead of you again. I don't want to think about starting 1AM Monday with work right now. Nope, not right now. Right now, I just want to think about sleeping late, waking up late, and working on my new layout.

Nope, I won't stress myself out thinking of things which would usually make me worry. I won't think about people who just wear me out thinking about them.

I'm just going to think about myself and my new layout. I need it for therapy. I need it to wake up some creative juices which might have gone dormant. I need it to see color before my eyes again, and not just a bunch of words from people from across the globe asking for technical help.

I need to know I still know how to work with Photoshop, I still know how to create layouts, I need to know if I can still draw. I need to know if I'm still my old self.

I need to know whether I've gone soft, I've gone sane, or if I've gone nuttier than ever before.

I need to know I still like myself. :)

See, that's what's great about journals. One can overuse the word "I" and not worry about being called conceited. Because what else can one talk about, right? I've never been used to talking about myself in the real world (the real world -- wtf?).

I'm always interested in talking about the person I'm with, or other things. During the times I do talk about myself, I still try to ask the other person about his or her perspective. I don't like that feeling of monopolizing the conversation. I always get the feeling that the other person is thinking "I couldn't care less." I'm sure they don't but I still don't want to take the chance. :P

So that's why I like my blog. I can talk about myself aaaaaaallllll I want. And right now it needs a good overhaul. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I finish it over the weekend. :)

(And possibly get rid of this excessive good feeling. I don't want to overuse my stock and run out of good feelings for the next few weeks.)

The World Needs A Good Crying

A few songs make me weepy. Among them are Billy Gilman's Oklahoma, and this one also by Billy Gilman -- Elisabeth. It's about a girl who won't live very long because of a disease she was born with, but still manages to touch people around her.

"It makes me wonder how life can give someone so much and take so much away..."

So sad, so true. I've gotten to know a lot of people who have so much in life materially speaking, but when it comes to what really counts, they don't have very much to speak of. Granted, they may be really intelligent or really rich or really good-looking but when HUMANITY is already on the line, they can't even come close to having a tinge of it. Conversely, the people I know who do have hearts are being pushed away. Unfortunately in our world nobody cares much about that organ.

"She believes there's always hope, and that's all she really has."

As opposed to most of us who have a lot, who have our whole lives ahead of us, there are some people in the world who are only hooking their sanity to hope.

"And when she cries, she cries in silence. But never for herself, she cries for everybody else..."

Being selfless like this is so unreal. Right now though, because of things like this one and this one happening, a lot of people can't help crying.

Once Upon A Pushover

Oh my, I feel horrible. I slept when I got home this afternoon and did not wake up until around 10. When I did, I had this odd taste in my mouth and I knew the day (or night) does not bode well. I tried to stand up and I was hearing this sound like tribal drums in my ear. It felt like I was preparing for war.

War would have to wait until I finish taking a bath -- which wasn't such an easy feat to accomplish itself. While taking a dump and waiting for my water to heat up, I was thinking of my insane work scedule. Starting Sunday, my schedule will be back to 7AM again for one week. Someone from work swapped schedules with me temporarily because her sister is getting married next week. How could I refuse? Besides, she's a very nice person, and I'll be working nine hours only so it won't be too stressful.

Sigh. Why does it sound like I'm justifying myself? OK, I admit... I've always been a pushover. I'm the Yes-Guy. The Why Not Guy. The Guy You Can Ask A Favor From And He Wouldn't Complain At Least Not To Your Face Guy. Ella Enchanted should have been Podi Enchanted.

I hate it. I've always hated it. I know I'd always end up in the losing end but I'd just shrug it off. I'd think I don't have any reasons to decline anyway. At least, not at the moment. Say for example, last week, a friend borrowed money from me. I was like all uh-oh inside. I never liked the idea of borrowing money. For me, I'd rather give the money altogether than keep a tab. But anyway, I thought to myself, I don't have any reasons to decline anyway. Sure, I have my money budgeted for the next two weeks already but I can still get by if I part with some of it. So OK, I lent money to that friend.

Here's the catch though. Since I don't like the idea of borrowing money, my mind was already programmed that I'm already giving that to my friend. That I won't see it again. I feel bad, but hey it's a friend. And he asked nicely. And I can get by without it.

At least that's what I thought.

Right now my budget is all messed up. Why? Because when I got home the other day, my mother borrowed money from me. How could I refuse? So I have nothing to budget anymore. Problem solved.

Argh. I hate being such a pushover. I promise I won't interact with anyone that much anymore. I will keep quiet. I will just sit and listen to iPod and pretend I'm not hearing people in the office. Good luck talking to me.

On Being Almost Sane

Right now, the only thing keeping me sane in the waking world is work. Other than that, things have been really blurry and, like my hair, very unmanageable. When I'm at work, things are halfway sane. I still have a picture of what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to do things. But the moment I step out of the building, it feels like someone flicks off the light switch and says good night, sweet dreams.

But the dreams I have are anything but sweet. In this cookie-cutter world we live in now, it's hard to tell when you're dreaming or when you're awake. Or, relatively, what people want to believe is real or is a dream.

What I want to believe is that I am normal. What is real however, is I am not. Not that it's such a bad thing... but sometimes it's difficult dealing with things when you think differently from other people.

For instance, what I do at work. People email us asking for solutions to their computer problems. What we do is give them ready-made templates, add a little of this, erase some of that to make it look more personalized and voila! Email sent, problem solved. Normal people are like that. With every problem they encounter, they have a ready-made answer in their core, just needing a little modification according to their personality. They already know what to do, even if they don't have the answer at the first go, at least they know where they should be going.

But people like me... we can't settle for ordinary ways of dealing with things. The moment we take them in, we have to chew them thoroughly first. Think what they're made of and how they were made before we swallow and digest them. (Or sometimes spit them out -- but that's another story.) It's more complicated that way, but we can't help it. That's how we're programmed to deal with things.

I guess what I'm getting at here is... I'm having a difficult time handling things, simple things which are happening to me right now. Granted, things have never been easy for me even before, and I've always been doing things the way I do ever since I was old enough to think... But right now is different. Every moment IS anyway. Right now I'm dealing with simple things. Things I'm familiar with already.

I'm still not done chewing them... and I don't know if I could swallow.