On Being Almost Sane

Right now, the only thing keeping me sane in the waking world is work. Other than that, things have been really blurry and, like my hair, very unmanageable. When I'm at work, things are halfway sane. I still have a picture of what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to do things. But the moment I step out of the building, it feels like someone flicks off the light switch and says good night, sweet dreams.

But the dreams I have are anything but sweet. In this cookie-cutter world we live in now, it's hard to tell when you're dreaming or when you're awake. Or, relatively, what people want to believe is real or is a dream.

What I want to believe is that I am normal. What is real however, is I am not. Not that it's such a bad thing... but sometimes it's difficult dealing with things when you think differently from other people.

For instance, what I do at work. People email us asking for solutions to their computer problems. What we do is give them ready-made templates, add a little of this, erase some of that to make it look more personalized and voila! Email sent, problem solved. Normal people are like that. With every problem they encounter, they have a ready-made answer in their core, just needing a little modification according to their personality. They already know what to do, even if they don't have the answer at the first go, at least they know where they should be going.

But people like me... we can't settle for ordinary ways of dealing with things. The moment we take them in, we have to chew them thoroughly first. Think what they're made of and how they were made before we swallow and digest them. (Or sometimes spit them out -- but that's another story.) It's more complicated that way, but we can't help it. That's how we're programmed to deal with things.

I guess what I'm getting at here is... I'm having a difficult time handling things, simple things which are happening to me right now. Granted, things have never been easy for me even before, and I've always been doing things the way I do ever since I was old enough to think... But right now is different. Every moment IS anyway. Right now I'm dealing with simple things. Things I'm familiar with already.

I'm still not done chewing them... and I don't know if I could swallow.