The E-Word

Last night before falling asleep, I had one thought in my mind: QA Evaluation. Yup, my QA Evaluation will hit me hard Wednesday morning. So that was what I was thinking about -- to wake up early, check my email, and pray to the cosmos I pass.

It wasn't a big deal for me before, really. But it got to me somehow. After surviving seven QA Evaluations (and passing all of them too), the pressure kinda builds up for one not to fail. Because what would happen if you suddenly fail? Imagine passing all of your evaluations and then you suddenly miss a step? Pressure, baby.

The same reason why I'm very uncomfortable being recognized. People EXPECT things. And what would happen if I suddenly didn't reach their expectations? Disappointment. Not them being disappointed in me, no, I can handle that. It's the disappointment of me letting them down. Their belief in me should have been enough to tell me I can do it. Instead I fell short. Not a good feeling.

So in the office as much as possible I keep quiet. It may seem very aloof to some (ok, most) people but really, I prefer things to be that way. I don't want people recognizing how great and wonderful I am (naks) because then they'd always expect me to be great and wonderful -- which I am not. Not all the time. :P

Evil little things, aren't they? Expectations. Standards. I find the words arrogant and selfish. It's like saying I deserve the things I desire. (I might be biting my foot here, but I apologize -- this is my journal after all.) For me, the words deserve and desire are worlds apart. I firmly believe in "One gets what one deserves, not what one desires."

This would mean (for me) that expectations and standards are mere illusions. They're just words. Words made up to comfort people who need something to hold on to, to keep them sane. To make them feel better about themselves. To tell them I am in control of my life, I know what I want and I'm going to get it.

OK, I have nothing against those people. If it works for them then fine. It's their life and their sanity after all. And ideally, it's a positive way of thinking about things anyway, so what's wrong with that right? That kind of thinking just doesn't work for me is all. Tsk. Arrogant.

What gets to me is when they impose what they believe in me. When they say, "I expect you to..." or "My standards for liking you are..." it's enough for me to balefully glare at them with a coldness worthy of a spot in the polar ice caps and walk away. I know my own personality goddamnit all to hell. BUT I also accept that it's part of living -- interacting with people of different principles -- and one has to learn to compromise after all. (So in this life, I have become best friends with the word COMPROMISE.)

A couple of friends told me that, "once and for all, I'm setting my standards high." And I was biting my tongue, telling myself not to pick a fight. Let them pursue their personal happiness the way they want to. They'll learn things when the time comes.

Not to say that I've learned my lesson. I admit I still have to learn a lot. And what I say here are not absolute truths of the universe. (Journals do have a way of evaporating arrogance, selfishness, and egocentricity.) This is just my brain talking... and I EXPECT it to talk like this.




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AFTERTHOUGHT: I just checked my mail and yay, I passed! This calls for a celebration. Blueberry cheesecake later with hot chocolate! :)