There is a massive black cloud of confusion above my head. I am losing faith in this account, and in my capacity as a Lead. Maybe it's because of a bad morning, a bad week, a bad life -- depends when you start counting. In any case, there has been no end to the riot of opposing noises in my head, telling me what I can and can't do, what I must and mustn't do.
I hope things clear up soon -- at least up until the point where I can wander without bumping into anything sharp.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Free Falling
For the past week, I've been going home 8PM on the average. That's three hours from when my shift actually ends. Now I know that isn't really much compared to how long other people stay in the office, but that's a ginormous feat for me.
Well... no, actually. It used to be unthinkable for me to think about work a lot. But now, I haven't really been making a big deal out of it. Like I told my boss, this devil-may-care attitude I'm swimming in is helping me work -- for the meantime that is. I'm being very agreeable, and I try to dodge any crossroad or circumstance which can lead to anything even remotely stressful.
I accepted the lead position because I figured I can do it -- even if I didn't want it -- and it wasn't inconveniencing me too much anyway. I mean, sure I get to go home around 8 or 9, and SURE it never fails that I sleep with a slight headache every night, but BIG EFFING DEAL. I live a few blocks from the office anyway. In fact, I forget about it so much, sometimes I even miss tracking my overtime hours. Insane, yeah, I know. But hey. I don't really give a flying fug.
Anyway, I'm not counting on anything to last. Much less the rare times when I'm this way. Burnout is always a possibility. And the moment I start feeling the heat... I'll be sure to scream my lungs out so the world will know.
Well... no, actually. It used to be unthinkable for me to think about work a lot. But now, I haven't really been making a big deal out of it. Like I told my boss, this devil-may-care attitude I'm swimming in is helping me work -- for the meantime that is. I'm being very agreeable, and I try to dodge any crossroad or circumstance which can lead to anything even remotely stressful.
I accepted the lead position because I figured I can do it -- even if I didn't want it -- and it wasn't inconveniencing me too much anyway. I mean, sure I get to go home around 8 or 9, and SURE it never fails that I sleep with a slight headache every night, but BIG EFFING DEAL. I live a few blocks from the office anyway. In fact, I forget about it so much, sometimes I even miss tracking my overtime hours. Insane, yeah, I know. But hey. I don't really give a flying fug.
Anyway, I'm not counting on anything to last. Much less the rare times when I'm this way. Burnout is always a possibility. And the moment I start feeling the heat... I'll be sure to scream my lungs out so the world will know.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Step Into The Light
This is lovely. The dull and constant drumming of this morning's hangover slowly fading into the soft and easy silence of a sunny Monday afternoon is a very welcome -- and ironically relaxing -- change. Everyone's either at work or in school, except for my two aunts who are minding the store, and I practically have all the house to myself. But for some strange reason, I feel compelled just to stay here in bed. So I do.
It's been a while since I've seen the old, weather-worn capiz window in my room this way. Almost like an apparition of my grandmother (this was her room before she died and I moved in), watching over me, telling me, "It'll be all right, I'll cover you."
It's been a while since I've heard a stray dog barking or the bells of an ice cream vendor ringing somewhere far off in the streets. Closing my eyes it almost feels like if I step out of the house, I'd be seeing the friends I used to play with (Reggie, Bimbo, Lianne, Ecel and her brother Coy-Coy, Loloy, Christian, and the other neighborhood kids) on the other side of the street, hanging out in front of Reggie's house, and thinking about what game to play next -- patintero, habulan, langit-lupa -- or talking about the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode.
I'd wave to them, run across the street, and, after a few minutes of teasing Bimbo how much he likes the girl who just moved in the neighborhood, proceed to playing tumbang preso in the streets well until after dinnertime.
That was many, many, many years ago I'm afraid. I don't even know where most of my friends are now. Of course Lianne, Hono'o-chan, is still here and we still talk. And Bimbo, being Lianne's brother, I still get to see once in a while when he drops by the store or I visit their house. But the others, I don't even know where they live anymore.
Maybe I can remember the point when our childhood friendship began its descent. I know it was different for each of us, but from my eyes, that was when I began to lose them one by one. When I was 14 I came out to them. I didn't go out of the house since. I couldn't, and I didn't want to, because they made it clear I wasn't welcome anymore. Except for Lianne, I never talked with any of them after. Until eventually, I got caught up with other things, made new friends, and slowly... slowly... forgot.
•••
Years and years later, today, after two weeks of working non-stop, I finally get an official day off. I celebrated last night with two friends, getting drunk at Anthology, the same place Barny and I went to last week. At around 1AM, I got home devoid of money, sanity, and stress, and, collapsing on the bed almost immediately, I dreamt quiet, pleasant, ghost-like dreams.
As I'm finishing writing this journal entry, I can still hear the barks of a stray dog outside, and there's still a bell ringing but this time it's from a binatog vendor. A rooster joined the small orchestration, and maybe a few maya birds chirping, perched on the electric wires. It's still sunny and a bit hot but the wind is starting to pick up. Closing my eyes I can hear the laughter of my youth echoing in some distant unknown plane, beckoning me to step into the light. My grandmother urges me to walk.
Lovely, lovely, lovely...
It's been a while since I've seen the old, weather-worn capiz window in my room this way. Almost like an apparition of my grandmother (this was her room before she died and I moved in), watching over me, telling me, "It'll be all right, I'll cover you."
It's been a while since I've heard a stray dog barking or the bells of an ice cream vendor ringing somewhere far off in the streets. Closing my eyes it almost feels like if I step out of the house, I'd be seeing the friends I used to play with (Reggie, Bimbo, Lianne, Ecel and her brother Coy-Coy, Loloy, Christian, and the other neighborhood kids) on the other side of the street, hanging out in front of Reggie's house, and thinking about what game to play next -- patintero, habulan, langit-lupa -- or talking about the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode.
I'd wave to them, run across the street, and, after a few minutes of teasing Bimbo how much he likes the girl who just moved in the neighborhood, proceed to playing tumbang preso in the streets well until after dinnertime.
That was many, many, many years ago I'm afraid. I don't even know where most of my friends are now. Of course Lianne, Hono'o-chan, is still here and we still talk. And Bimbo, being Lianne's brother, I still get to see once in a while when he drops by the store or I visit their house. But the others, I don't even know where they live anymore.
Maybe I can remember the point when our childhood friendship began its descent. I know it was different for each of us, but from my eyes, that was when I began to lose them one by one. When I was 14 I came out to them. I didn't go out of the house since. I couldn't, and I didn't want to, because they made it clear I wasn't welcome anymore. Except for Lianne, I never talked with any of them after. Until eventually, I got caught up with other things, made new friends, and slowly... slowly... forgot.
Years and years later, today, after two weeks of working non-stop, I finally get an official day off. I celebrated last night with two friends, getting drunk at Anthology, the same place Barny and I went to last week. At around 1AM, I got home devoid of money, sanity, and stress, and, collapsing on the bed almost immediately, I dreamt quiet, pleasant, ghost-like dreams.
As I'm finishing writing this journal entry, I can still hear the barks of a stray dog outside, and there's still a bell ringing but this time it's from a binatog vendor. A rooster joined the small orchestration, and maybe a few maya birds chirping, perched on the electric wires. It's still sunny and a bit hot but the wind is starting to pick up. Closing my eyes I can hear the laughter of my youth echoing in some distant unknown plane, beckoning me to step into the light. My grandmother urges me to walk.
Lovely, lovely, lovely...
Saturday, December 10, 2005
When Push Comes To Shove
And while it is true humans have the freedom to choose, I can't help but wonder why most of the things happening to me right now are not because I want them to happen, but because the universe wants it to happen for me.
Like this job, for starters. I didn't want to work in the first place. Or at least, it wasn't in any of my short term plans. If anything, I just applied as a favor for a friend. I even tried to screw up my interview! I was practically throwing it away but here comes the universe serving it to me in a silver platter.
I have to admit though that it didn't turn out to be a bad thing. It's not unpleasant either. It's something I can do and not constantly complain about, is all. Nothing spectacular. But yes, I have been a drone for over a month already and I'm thinking maybe I'll stretch this state of mind for at least two, three months more.
But then yesterday afternoon... just yesterday afternoon things have taken a sudden turn and made another kink in my pleasantly grey little life. Yesterday afternoon, my supervisor and our manager talked to me and asked me if I wanted to be a Lead Agent for the team. (Now where have I encountered this similar situation before?)
Of course my mind was screaming "nooooooooooo," but other than that, I can't think up any other excuse to decline. My stats were OK, I live very near the office, I don't have any other things to do, I'm a walking, talking Free For All. So despite my inner protestations, I said yes.
And ever since then, I was in a constant haze. Either I dropped off from the world or the world fell from me. No, Podi, you had a choice. They weren't pointing a gun to your head, YOU were pointing a gun to your head.
Nevertheless I thought maybe I would have agreed anyway, gun or no gun. I don't know jack shit with this thing I just got myself into, I don't know if I'll last... but hey. Who knows when they're going to die anyway? I'll take my cue from Maxi and Sailor Moon and just love the things I can, while I still can.
Like this job, for starters. I didn't want to work in the first place. Or at least, it wasn't in any of my short term plans. If anything, I just applied as a favor for a friend. I even tried to screw up my interview! I was practically throwing it away but here comes the universe serving it to me in a silver platter.
I have to admit though that it didn't turn out to be a bad thing. It's not unpleasant either. It's something I can do and not constantly complain about, is all. Nothing spectacular. But yes, I have been a drone for over a month already and I'm thinking maybe I'll stretch this state of mind for at least two, three months more.
But then yesterday afternoon... just yesterday afternoon things have taken a sudden turn and made another kink in my pleasantly grey little life. Yesterday afternoon, my supervisor and our manager talked to me and asked me if I wanted to be a Lead Agent for the team. (Now where have I encountered this similar situation before?)
Of course my mind was screaming "nooooooooooo," but other than that, I can't think up any other excuse to decline. My stats were OK, I live very near the office, I don't have any other things to do, I'm a walking, talking Free For All. So despite my inner protestations, I said yes.
And ever since then, I was in a constant haze. Either I dropped off from the world or the world fell from me. No, Podi, you had a choice. They weren't pointing a gun to your head, YOU were pointing a gun to your head.
Nevertheless I thought maybe I would have agreed anyway, gun or no gun. I don't know jack shit with this thing I just got myself into, I don't know if I'll last... but hey. Who knows when they're going to die anyway? I'll take my cue from Maxi and Sailor Moon and just love the things I can, while I still can.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Love As Only Maxi Can
Sigh. I was supposed to meet up with a friend at Megamall last night, but because of the incessant rain, I was forced to go down at Ayala and brave the cold and wet evening walk home by myself. This, after being in a crowded bus for over an hour. Imagine, from Buendia to Ayala, A FUCKING HOUR, all because of a silly little drizzle. Metro Manila gets ridiculously panicky when things get wet.
In any case, I was in a relatively pleasant mood yesterday so it didn't really get to me. Not much anyway. The most stress I had to deal with was squeezing my way through the people to get off the bus, inch by inch, person by person, with no one sexy to... uh... say hi to.
Anyway, I decided to shake a little time off walking around the malls first and I found out that the film Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros (The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros) was showing in Glorietta too! I thought it was only screening in Megamall but apparently I was wrong. So I txted my mother, told her I'll be late, and bought tickets to the 9PM showing.
Now I'm no film critic, but I suppose I can spot a great movie -- no, a great story -- when I see one. And I'm sure the effect isn't the same for each person, but everything that Maxi went through, it's bound to stay. Most specially as a child, it has to have a kick somewhat, making one grow without regret or remorse.
But the way Maxi dealt with it, the way he makes everyone around him feels... it's simply encompassing. Even if the love he has is very childlike -- because that is what he is -- the way everyone wants to protect him strangely binds everything into place, like a pretty little lavender ribbon. It's beautiful, it's odd, it's even very campy, but it's powerful. Like Aegis. Or Sailor Moon. :-)
In any case, I was in a relatively pleasant mood yesterday so it didn't really get to me. Not much anyway. The most stress I had to deal with was squeezing my way through the people to get off the bus, inch by inch, person by person, with no one sexy to... uh... say hi to.
Anyway, I decided to shake a little time off walking around the malls first and I found out that the film Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros (The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros) was showing in Glorietta too! I thought it was only screening in Megamall but apparently I was wrong. So I txted my mother, told her I'll be late, and bought tickets to the 9PM showing.
Now I'm no film critic, but I suppose I can spot a great movie -- no, a great story -- when I see one. And I'm sure the effect isn't the same for each person, but everything that Maxi went through, it's bound to stay. Most specially as a child, it has to have a kick somewhat, making one grow without regret or remorse.
But the way Maxi dealt with it, the way he makes everyone around him feels... it's simply encompassing. Even if the love he has is very childlike -- because that is what he is -- the way everyone wants to protect him strangely binds everything into place, like a pretty little lavender ribbon. It's beautiful, it's odd, it's even very campy, but it's powerful. Like Aegis. Or Sailor Moon. :-)
Monday, December 05, 2005
Hey Big Spender
First of all, Podi, you aren't exactly earning a lot. Secondly, you're not sure if you'd still be working after four months. And thirdly, YOU'RE NOT EARNING A LOT! Just thought I'd make it clear.
So get that silly thought of having a new laptop out of your deranged brain, and get your head out of the clouds. Reality check, you only have less than what you're supposed to until the next payday. No more Kitkat Whites every afternoon.
So get that silly thought of having a new laptop out of your deranged brain, and get your head out of the clouds. Reality check, you only have less than what you're supposed to until the next payday. No more Kitkat Whites every afternoon.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Beautiful Corpse
What says "live fast, love hard, leave a beautiful corpse" more than going home at 1AM blissfully drunk? Easy. Going to work at 7AM blissfully hung over. Oh, excuse me. 7:01. Of course I had to wait until my hair was dry before going out of the house. Never mind if I'm one minute late. I might have been trashed but it doesn't mean I had to look the part.
So I went to work looking immaculate and all innocent like, but really it felt as if someone flipped the whole of Manila like a fucking heavy burger patty and let it all crash on my head. Nevertheless I was still smiling like an idiot all morning -- a sort of "I'm fine, I'm not drunk, stop looking at me like that, go back to your workstation fool" kind of smile.
This was all thanks to Barny who, by some randomly and cosmically synchronized reason, wanted to go out drinking last night as well. Bottomline, it wasn't really much of an effort to get me to say yes.
We went to this really cozy bar in Adriatico -- not too crowded, not too dark, and they played the coolest blend of 80's music all night. I found myself singing with The Police, Morrissey, Queen (I think), and many other artists my older cousins used to like way back when I was a kid. Barny was disappointed I was enjoying myself far more than he was, that selfish brat.
All in all it was a Friday evening well-spent. I was aware that I might have regrets the following morning (and maybe I did, but just a teensy weensy bit), but hey. Live fast, love hard, leave a beautiful corpse. :-)
So I went to work looking immaculate and all innocent like, but really it felt as if someone flipped the whole of Manila like a fucking heavy burger patty and let it all crash on my head. Nevertheless I was still smiling like an idiot all morning -- a sort of "I'm fine, I'm not drunk, stop looking at me like that, go back to your workstation fool" kind of smile.
This was all thanks to Barny who, by some randomly and cosmically synchronized reason, wanted to go out drinking last night as well. Bottomline, it wasn't really much of an effort to get me to say yes.
We went to this really cozy bar in Adriatico -- not too crowded, not too dark, and they played the coolest blend of 80's music all night. I found myself singing with The Police, Morrissey, Queen (I think), and many other artists my older cousins used to like way back when I was a kid. Barny was disappointed I was enjoying myself far more than he was, that selfish brat.
All in all it was a Friday evening well-spent. I was aware that I might have regrets the following morning (and maybe I did, but just a teensy weensy bit), but hey. Live fast, love hard, leave a beautiful corpse. :-)