Profoundly Afraid

I want to say, "I have never been more terrified about something in my life as I am right now." But the thing is, I have.

I've been sensing the signs ever since our schedule rotated: the low email queue, my CSAT scores, my QA sessions... and tonight before going to work, I met up with most of my college friends who, unsurprisingly, are working in call centers as well.

Tonight we met up after a long time, and one would think we will be able to talk about things other than work, but, well, that's what we've talked about anyway -- work. After a while, it began to feel sort of a bit odd. I was feeling it like it was a sign from the universe. Something is going to happen tonight.

True enough, a few hours after logging in to work, I've been called with two other agents to a conference with our Account Manager. What I have been unpleasantly sensing the past few months have realized. I'm being transferred to voice support.

IT IS SO A BIG DEAL BECAUSE... because... well... OK... this feels a lot like school. One year before I applied for work, I was a complete bum. Although I was pseudo working for ProGay, it wasn't so much as working as merely having somewhere to hang out in until I can (or want to) go home. In short, it was a verrrrrry long phase of me being in a transitory period of figuring out what I want to do with my life.

So at its core, my growth had somewhat gotten erratic at that point. The words "challenge" and "ambition" mean nothing to me. I won't be able to take on challenges or think about my ambitions until I figure out what is it really I want to do.

Finally, I decided I should make at least one significant move, to maybe tilt the cosmos somewhat, tap its shoulder and say, "Hey what am I supposed to do now?" And so the cosmos answered. OK, I'm letting you in this job, what more, I'm letting you in this job doing what you do best -- write. Emails, that is. And emails about anything regarding the Internet. It was idyllic for me.

But then even if I'm here, going to work everyday, looking like a responsible adult, deep within me I still know that what I'm doing is basically like what I was doing when I was with ProGay -- hanging out. Not that it's completely a bad thing... I'm being productive, and I'm helping people out in the best way that I can, that is, WRITING, as primarily I am a writer. So I like it here.

There. I know I really shouldn't say it, because I believe that if I do, it's going to go away, but I LIKE IT HERE. Here, at E-Support. But that doesn't matter now does it since I'm being transferred again. I feel like the way one feels the first part of the Space Shuttle ride in Enchanted Kingdom, when it's still slowly rising. The suspense before the big plunge. When everything would go crashing down, tipping over, and threatening to make you throw up your internal organs.

The universe is kicking my arse, telling me, "OK you've had your fun, now get back to being the edgy, stressed out person that you really are, and that you have always been."

So yeah. The basic point of this very long post is that I'm very much afraid. Afraid because as before, there are a lot of things to consider, reconsider, think, and think about again.

Yup. I'm definitely scared.