Seriously

Honestly. I'm still not over it. After one week, I'm still not over it.

TAKE ME BACK TO E-SUPPORT!!! I love E-Support... I love writing emails... I love writing... I have fun with my teammates... The Supervisors are the best... The QA Analysts are great company... And I was about to apply for a Tier 2 position... I was really, HONESTLY happy there. :'(

And for all of that just suddenly being wrenched away from me, just when I'm starting to get the hang of it, JUST WHEN I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE I'M DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE, DOING SOMETHING I REALLY WANT TO DO... Well it really sucks bigtime.

(Oh, you can just imagine how much I'm seething right now, I'm not making sense at all!)

I'm not going to apologize for sounding like a brat. I've been a good boy. I DESERVE THINGS THAT I KNOW ARE GOOD FOR ME. If the universe is going to conspire to make me miserable, I'm not going to take it like a sitting duck. If the universe doesn't want this for me, then I'm going to look for my happiness elsewhere, and I'm going to find it, even if I die AGAIN trying.

Huff.

--

UPDATE: (Getting home from work.) Oh who am I kidding? I won't be going back to E-Support. I'll be staying here in effing Web Hosting, and I can't do anything about it. The worst part is, everyone is cheering me on. Everyone's telling me I can do it. The guilt is eating up my insides like a hyperactive mutant leech.

Look, I guess I can, but I don't want to. I don't want, don't want, don't want, I DON'T WANT TO! :'(




----------
AFTERTHOUGHT: I'm bingeing on blueberry cheesecake and nothing is going to stop me. (Well, maybe I'll stop after a couple of slices. There's only so much sit ups can do.)

Meme Chewables

One friend brought it up. When I'm talking with someone, most of the times I would say things like, "I remember a line from a movie which goes..." or "Oh, I know a song like that..." or "Yeah, I read something similar somewhere..." A lot of times it's easier for me to summarize what I want to say by quoting somebody else, or relating it to another situation.

This particular meme sparked that little corner in me, so I bit. Copy-pasted from this site.

--

Choose a band and answer only in song titles by that band: Hole, from the album Celebrity Skin

Are you male or female? Boys On The Radio

Describe yourself: Dying

How do some people feel about you? Celebrity Skin

How do you feel about yourself? Awful

Describe your ex-boyfriend/ex-husband: Reasons To Be Beautiful

Describe your current boyfriend/husband: Northern Star

Describe what you want to be: Heaven Tonight

Describe your current mood: Hit So Hard

Describe your friends: Petals

Share a few words of wisdom: Use Once And Destroy

--

And that's it. Quoting from Hole's song, Awful, "If the world is so wrong, yeah you can break them all with one song."

Unchanging Perspectives

Interesting Saturday yesterday was. Watched A Series Of Unfortunate Events with Chris and Prinz at Eastwood Cinemas. It was my... third time to go there. Very beautiful place, albeit the complicated layout. I should have taken pictures.

Again, this was one of those movies which greatly "moved" me. How real and honest it was... to me at least. It reinforced an idea on how fair the universe can be, when seen from the big picture. As opposed to when seen closely, life can look really distorted and insanely unfair. As humans, we need to know when to see life through the big picture, and when to look at it closely. I for one, am still having trouble distinguishing when to do which.

Like right now, for instance. Looking at the big picture (or more exactly, the big picture of MY life), I don't really think working is of much import. "Working" for me, has so much as a value of "hanging out." Real life is something that exists outside of work.

And what exists outside of work for me right now? Nothing yet. Which is equivalent to saying, I don't have a life, when seen through the big picture. Funny that.

Now zooming in and looking closely, I need this job. Our training will last for three more weeks and to pinpoint my exact feelings, I'm getting mighty impatient. So much, that my mindset is blowing up to massive proportions.

Even this voice inside my head is getting impatient and it's saying, "SO HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY, HUMAN."

And that's what my life is like thus far, when seen both through the big picture and when zoomed in. Not a very pretty sight.

To See The Moon

i'm deliberately standing
somewhere you can't see
but that doesn't mean
the moon isn't full tonight

you're just not looking
hard enough

Waiting For Blood

As with what happened years ago, all drive in me is being pounded away. Merely three days into training and I'm dragging myself to get up and go to work. Unfair of me not to give things a fighting chance, but hey at least I'm still getting up aren't I? I'm just waiting until things draw blood. Till then, I might stick around. If not, well...

Funny how the future can be summarized into three trailing dots.

--

I remember around six months ago when I first started work, I almost didn't want to push through with it. What made me stick around were my batchmates. I'm not really sure what's so different with the people I'm with now with my batchmates then... but back then it was them that made me look forward to going to work.

Sure the people I'm with are nice enough, but I guess we didn't have enough time to bond and get to know each other before drilling down together in training. It's not fun having to do the drilling and digging through serious stuff with people you're not that close with. It's just not as much fun. And it's just not worth it.

Gaze upon the Chocnut
and be at peace.

Trying To Overcome Brain Overload

The training is messing up my head. The topics are churning my brain to senseless mush, and the pressure is coming at me from all sides -- friends, family, and myself. Although part of me is telling me I can do it, it just doesn't amount to much if I don't like what I'm doing anyway.

It could get a little irritating when I always hear people telling me that I can do it, but the thing is I WANT TO DO IT AT MY OWN TIME, IN MY OWN PACE. Sounds bratty, I know, but that's how I function. I don't handle well under pressure. It doesn't take much for me to explode.

I'm not bringing myself down or anything, or I'm not saying that I have a negative frame of mind, but that's just how I am. I have my own strengths too. It's just that as my strengths are quite significant, so are my weaknesses.

Sometimes I get to think about it like in a role-playing game, where you get to choose a character class before starting the campaign. There are a lot of character classes one gets to choose from, and each character class has their own sets of strengths and weaknesses. It just so happened that I may be quite good with learning technical stuff, only, I'm weak at learning them right away. I can however, learn them at a context I understand and at the same time, at a pace when I understand them.

So what do I want to happen right now? I don't know. I'm seriously considering resigning. I think a semi-solid plan which I have right now, is to try and finish this training, and then maybe -- just maybe -- try a few weeks live on the floor. If I do get to that point, I could talk with HR and ask what my chances are of going back to E-Support. If it's not possible in the near future, then I would then have to resign.

Here's the catch... This has been the second day of training, and already I feel like my mind won't be able to last another thirteen days. I might cut my plans short and talk with HR right away. If I do that, the chances of me resigning would be higher than the chances of me being brought back to E-Support.

And what do I do after? I don't know. Again, I might go back to school, but that's highly unlikely. Or I might become a bum again, which is pretty much how things would go. Either way, not very pleasing paths to take.

After working in one call center, I don't think I'd want to work in another one, since they're all the same anyway. Sure, company culture may be different, but what's the point of moving to another company if I'd be doing the same thing? I'd be the same person wherever you put me. So after working for this company, I'd rather be doing something else. I'D RATHER BE ME, DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

Now here in training, everything is teetering to the negative edge of my scales. One, it feels like I'm back in school again, which absolutely bites. Two, I'm not ready to learn all this in one fell swoop. (I mean really. We were drafted two nights before we were supposed to start. Not enough time to adjust and psyche myself up -- and I like taking my time.) And three... well... I'm kind of...

sort of...

... almost...

... but not quite...

... STARTING to like someone.

WHICH IS ALL THE MORE REASON FOR ME TO LEAVE.

Halfway Through The Night

Lunch break right now, but I really do not feel like eating. The first half is turning out fine, but if this will capitalize the next fourteen days we will be spending on training, then I would have to gear my brain to a more technical mode. I mean... DNS, A Records, NS Records, MX Records, Zone Files... WTF?!

OK I admit, it's kind of a good thing me worrying like this, because it might mean that I'm willing to learn. It helps that I'm honestly quite interested in the stuff as well.

Regarding my new teammates, they're not so bad. The orphaned reps are quite nice, interesting, and really friendly, and the reps who were transferred came on quite strongly but I'm sure they're OK. Generally, this could be a fun group. I miss my own batch tho. Can't help still feeling a bit estranged.

Right now what I'm thinking, is if I just stick to my being technical, I could do quite OK. I can ask questions without sounding too much of an insufferable know-it-all, and help my teammates who are not so technically inclined as well.

Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

A Sort Of New Chapter

Right. So now I'm at the Training Room for the new account I'm placed in. Still kicking and screaming inside? You bet I am. I was sort of glad when I opened my Outlook office mailbox and I received an email from my (now ex) Supervisor. I was a bit disappointed at what was written though...

Hello,

Attached is a session taken from last week (Week 242) which I evaluated. Please review it and let me know if you have questions.

I have learned that you volunteered to be part of the Web Hosting team. I wish you the best in your endeavor as you continue to shine in your professional career here in our company.

Thanks,
M.

To which I replied...

Sir M.,

Not entirely true, Sir M. In truth, we were volunteered -- rather than having volunteered -- for Web Hosting. We wish luck would be on our side regarding our now uncertain future in [this company].

Apologies for being too morbid, but we are apparently, undeniably, and irrevocably going through the stages of loss right now. :-)

We hope to see you soon!


The Charmed Ones,

P., R., & A.

Our new teammates are already coming in. Any minute now, the trainor will be arriving as well. Whatever happens in the next few weeks will determine which way my life would turn. This is a new Chapter and it isn't starting out as I expected it to.

But then again, no new Chapter does anyway.

All The Signs Were There For Me To See

This is interesting. I was feeling so stressed out so I decided to work on the layout of my site. (Which I know a certain someone will be angry with me again, for using Won Bin as a layout.) But then I kept on experiencing authentication failures when I tried logging on to my FTP server.

I thought about how both frustrating and ironic the situation is. Frustrating since after a long time, I decided to revamp my WHOLE site, and not just my blog, and I'm not able to do it. Ironic because the account I'm being transferred to will be dealing with problems like the one I'm having now. Should I take this as another sign? Arg.

Aside, this will be my temporary home for now, until I can get things up and running again on my old address. Good thing my archives and files are still there. Crossing my fingers everything will work later when I get home.

Such Things As These

Sometime a pretty boy in Dian's shape
With hair that gilds the water as it glides
Crownets of pearls around his naked arms
And in his sportive hands an olive tree
To hide those parts that men delight to see
Shall bathe him in a spring...
Such things as these best please his majesty.

-- Christopher Marlowe, Edward II

This is my last day as an Email Agent. It was just a matter of time, for any of us new 40 agents to be plucked from our cushy email workstations and kicked off to the frontlines of voice support. Guess who drew the booby prize? As I may look like I'm taking all this in with outward grace, I sure as hell am kicking and screaming inside.

Sigh. I'm going to be missing a lot of things, no doubt about that. It's sad that only recently I've made this as my comfort zone, and then abruptly it's going to be taken away from me *snap* just like that because someone -- who is no more and no less human than I am -- said so.

But well, what can one do when faced with such an evil little man-made thing called a Contract? Besides, expecting something permanent in as temporary and transitional a job as in a call center is nothing more than wishful thinking.

In any case, maybe I should start thinking about things again. Should I go back to school? Should I take up graphic design? Should I scratch my intermittent itch on wanting to teach? Or should I revert to being a pseudo hermit?

I'm sure it's possible that I will be enjoying the stint at being transferred to another account. After all, it deals with web hosting and I'm not really clueless on that area. But again, I am, primarily, a writer, and I work best with a keyboard in front of me and an email program loaded on my screen. Talking has not been my best point.

But I guess the only thing I can do now is wait, and see, and act with as much outwardly grace as possible. That has always been the case anyway with such things as these.

Profoundly Afraid

I want to say, "I have never been more terrified about something in my life as I am right now." But the thing is, I have.

I've been sensing the signs ever since our schedule rotated: the low email queue, my CSAT scores, my QA sessions... and tonight before going to work, I met up with most of my college friends who, unsurprisingly, are working in call centers as well.

Tonight we met up after a long time, and one would think we will be able to talk about things other than work, but, well, that's what we've talked about anyway -- work. After a while, it began to feel sort of a bit odd. I was feeling it like it was a sign from the universe. Something is going to happen tonight.

True enough, a few hours after logging in to work, I've been called with two other agents to a conference with our Account Manager. What I have been unpleasantly sensing the past few months have realized. I'm being transferred to voice support.

IT IS SO A BIG DEAL BECAUSE... because... well... OK... this feels a lot like school. One year before I applied for work, I was a complete bum. Although I was pseudo working for ProGay, it wasn't so much as working as merely having somewhere to hang out in until I can (or want to) go home. In short, it was a verrrrrry long phase of me being in a transitory period of figuring out what I want to do with my life.

So at its core, my growth had somewhat gotten erratic at that point. The words "challenge" and "ambition" mean nothing to me. I won't be able to take on challenges or think about my ambitions until I figure out what is it really I want to do.

Finally, I decided I should make at least one significant move, to maybe tilt the cosmos somewhat, tap its shoulder and say, "Hey what am I supposed to do now?" And so the cosmos answered. OK, I'm letting you in this job, what more, I'm letting you in this job doing what you do best -- write. Emails, that is. And emails about anything regarding the Internet. It was idyllic for me.

But then even if I'm here, going to work everyday, looking like a responsible adult, deep within me I still know that what I'm doing is basically like what I was doing when I was with ProGay -- hanging out. Not that it's completely a bad thing... I'm being productive, and I'm helping people out in the best way that I can, that is, WRITING, as primarily I am a writer. So I like it here.

There. I know I really shouldn't say it, because I believe that if I do, it's going to go away, but I LIKE IT HERE. Here, at E-Support. But that doesn't matter now does it since I'm being transferred again. I feel like the way one feels the first part of the Space Shuttle ride in Enchanted Kingdom, when it's still slowly rising. The suspense before the big plunge. When everything would go crashing down, tipping over, and threatening to make you throw up your internal organs.

The universe is kicking my arse, telling me, "OK you've had your fun, now get back to being the edgy, stressed out person that you really are, and that you have always been."

So yeah. The basic point of this very long post is that I'm very much afraid. Afraid because as before, there are a lot of things to consider, reconsider, think, and think about again.

Yup. I'm definitely scared.

Dugo

Nakakita ka na ba
ng dugong tumutulo
mula sa sariwang sugat
at marahang kumakalat
sa malamig na tubig
sa isang malinis baso?

Sa una'y mapula,
nagngangalit, umaalma.
Ilang segundo'y parang usok,
tila sumasayaw, lumilipad.
Ilang segundo pa'y parang ulap,
matapos (o bago magsimula)
ang matinding unos.

At sa huli'y parang ikaw,
o marahil, ang iyong puso:
unti-unting nawawala.
Kahit alam kong mukhang
malinaw na ang tubig sa baso,
hinding-hindi ka maglalaho.




----------
Have you seen a drop of blood on cold water? At first as red as one is passionate, then playful as smoke, then clouds after a storm, and then like you... slowly... slowly... fading away.

Saving The World One Email At A Time

The feeling of being able to tame a wild beast is much more intoxicating than having made a kill. I will not let anything faze me for the rest of the day. Har.

"WOW! Now THIS is my good old [Internet Service Provider]. Thank you for at last getting a Support Tech who knows what he is doing... I am afraid that a lot of them are just lethargically resorting to the automatic response buttons, without even reading the request for support...

"I will, Paul ... try the things you recommended. In fact, Andrew of Tier 3, suggested the browser, too, but that was after I'd sent the first email which started this brou-ha-ha...

"Thank you, again, and I will try to ask for you if I need to have more instructions on this.


"Appreciatively,

"B.S."

Damn, a Tier 3 Agent. So send me to Atlanta already. Hah. And to think her emails before were along these lines:

"Again, Laurence, you are only repeating the pith I've been instructed to do by Support in the past -- WHICH DID NOT WORK!!! Are you beginning to understand my growing distaste for [your Customer] Support? And how much time have you and I wasted on this so far?"

The email trail was bloody murder, but I, with my fantastic mutant powers, subdued the enemy. Nope, not even my QA Evaluation later will ruin my day. Not even facing the idea of having no sleep for days this week. Not even the bills which would have to be settled. Not even budgeting my money leaving just enough for my savings. Not even...

The Hurt Goes Both Ways

I read in a story somewhere that koi fish only live for 30 seconds. That is, their memory only lasts for 30 seconds. After that, they forget everything and it's as if they're seeing everything new for the first time.

I received an email at work which obliquely reminded me of that. (Names and other certain information were deleted.)

"I am in the middle of hopefully finding my missing adult son after a 10 year search and utilize this address for emails from my detective, working on the case. I know you can understand the severity of this problem and wish [your company] to maintain a 'customer friendly profile.' Thankfully my detective had told me he believes he is getting close finally to finding my son. ..."

I replied, of course. Expressing my concern regarding her situation after explaining to her about the technicalities on her billing issues. She responded after around an hour.

"Thank you for your understanding. I have learned a great deal through this situation and that is it seems to be easier to 'become missing' than anything else you do. As citizens we have been told that our governement has a 'file' on everyone. I don't believe that anymore or by 29 my son would have accrued such a file. And so far the dectective hasn't been able to find one.

"Previously I was under the conception that only criminals etc. knew how to diseappear. Unfortunately once someone becomes 18 there are no laws to help a parent find a missing young adult son or daughter. Gratefully a Senator has recently stepped forward and promises to address this problem because it's happening in the thousands.

"It happens not only to parents and grandparents but also to young adults who have had their parents disappear and tried with no results to find them or in some situations have had doors physically slammed in their faces upon attempt to see an estranged parent. The hurt goes both ways."

I wonder how the son must be feeling, after ten years...? I'm lighting a candle for this woman later...

Happy Bingeing On Chocolate Day

Last year I watched Only You, When Harry Met Sally, and Return To Me. Like then, I was planning on watching three films today too. I got Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, A Home At The End Of The World, and Angels In America.

But then I remember I have to sleep in a few because I have to go to work at 1AM tonight. Later. Tomorrow. Whatever. In any case, Happy Bingeing-On-Chocolate Day for me. :)

OMG OMG OMG

Neverwinter Nights 2 is in development! It'll be here by 2006 and omg I hope I get a more powerful computer by then!

OMG OMG OMG!!!

I love it when my inner geek is giddy with video game delight. Heh. I should play NWN again! Or maybe I should buy the NWN Platinum Edition DVD! Or... or... *dies*

Fuck The Cost Of Living In Makati

Three shirts! I don't even know if I like what I got. I guess I kinda understand now why for some people, shopping could be therapeutic. I've been vaguely in a state of emotional numbness the past week. I even chose a workstation away from most people so I can be left alone. Maybe it's a symptom of my decision to stay away from *wink wink* *nudge nudge* and all that jazz. HAH. Whatevs.

Anyhoo, the shirts I got were nice. A little bit on the ceiling of what I wanted to spend, but it's fine. My only regret is that I didn't get new pants. Annnnd new underwear. But there's always a limit to spending I guess. Even if it's for sanity.

Well, there's a whole Sunday ahead of me, and I have no work till tomorrow... and payday's on Tuesday! No rest for the wicked!

What The Thunder Said

"Your hair smells really good." That's what he said this morning. I just wanted to get that down while it's still fresh on my mind. And I'm going to try to forget that anti-moment moment a few hours after when he said I was growing a pet pot belly.

Damn him.

Little Explosions

There are a lot of things I'm afraid of, but the ones that really get to me are the little explosions of karmic retribution I get a few times everyday.

Yesterday, an officemate and I were walking amidst the high noon heat from Ayala Avenue to Benavidez street -- the far corner in the Greenbelt 1 area. We were joking, what if we get there and the person says we were supposed to go to another building to get the forms which we went there for. I told my friend I would have whoever says that eat my shoes.

So finally after an eternity minus a little over 20 minutes, we got to the office and true enough, the person in charge said we had to go to Cityland Towers in Pasong Tamo to get the forms. My friend couldn't contain herself and exploded in fits of laughter in front of the people in the office. I completely forgot about the shoe-feeding idea tho.

Anyway, we went to Cityland and got the damned forms. I took it as a sign and went home afterwards to make sure nothing else would happen for the rest of the day.




----------
AFTERTHOUGHT: Speaking of little explosions of karmic retribution, QA Evaluation later. Nuff said.

Meme Goodness

MADNESS IN MUSIC - TAG ALONG
I've Been Tagged by GayGo

A. Random 10 Songs

- Goodbye To You by Michelle Branch
- Tuloy Pa Rin Ang Awit Ng Buhay Ko by Side A
- Send In THe Clowns by Frank Sinatra
- Do What You Have To Do by Sarah McLachlan
- Save Me by Aimee Mann
- Back To You by John Mayer
- Ghost by Indigo Girls
- Bad Day by Fuel
- Don't Let It Bring You Down by Annie Lennox
- Bleed For Me by Saliva


B. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?

- 5.9 GB; 1,502 mp3's.


C. The last CD you bought is...?

- Dido's Life For Rent CD.


D. What is the last song you listened to before this message?

- Paper Bag by Fiona Apple. (Hunger hurts but I want him so bad, oh it kills cos I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up. I gotta focus -- these hands are too shaky to hold. Hunger hurts, but starving works when it costs too much to love.)


E. Write down five songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you:

- You Were Meant For Me by Jewel (Hearts are broken everyday.)

- Why Does It Always Rain On Me by Travis (I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lies.)

- Hopeless by Train (Is anybody waiting at home for you? Cos it's time that will tell if it's heaven if it's hell or if it's...)

- The Greatest Story Ever Told by Oliver James (And if destiny decided I should look the other way, then the world will never know the greatest story ever told. Did I tell you that I love you tonight?)

- I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack (Living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking; lovin' might be a mistake but it's worth making.)


F. Who are you gonna pass this stick to? (Three persons and why.)

- Allan, so he would update his blog.
- Mikey, for the same reason.
- Tessa, because I always read song lyrics on her blog.

Trouble, Thy Name Is Podi

Two things which will get me in trouble:

First, my near-blind eyes. Coupled with my anti-social device, I might as well have been anyone's stranger. Always, always I will not notice a friend merely a few steps away who's waving frantically to get my attention. For instance, last night I was walking home from a movie in Greenbelt when a friend was doing just that (well, maybe not frantically). I thought it was just some crazy blur in neon green crossing the street begging to be ignored. It turns out the crazy neon green blur was a friend I haven't seen for quite some time. He had to grab my arm and reintroduce himself to me -- which I found really funny. I chuckled despite of myself.

And this morning, a friend told me she saw me at Greenbelt last night too, at the same spot where the incident in the previous paragraph happened. She was seated outside Starbucks GB1 with another friend and they were both waving their arms, trying to catch my attention. Again, I seem to remember a red vapor-like thing near the bushes, but I thought it was one of those annoying random things (I never learn) so I treated it the same regard as I would, say, a copy of a Purpose Driven Life on my sister's desk, and went on with my life. I told her I honestly didn't notice, and blamed my eyes again for the mess. Thankfully she was THAT addicted to coffee so it didn't really take much for her attention to be diverted to somewhere else. Heh.

Another thing which has always been a problem with other people is how I speak almost inaudibly. The other day everytime I eat, people behind the counter would always give me extra rice when in fact I was asking for soup or sauce or please convert the plain rice in my mixed vegetables to bagoong rice please. And it's not helping that I get annoyed when people make me repeat what I say, especially if they say it like, "anoooo?" or "haaaa?" with that silly irritating expression on their faces.

My friends have been patient enough to keep quiet, or press the earpiece uncomfortably (not to mention painfully) to their ears, or make sure to sit near me when I'm talking to spare ourselves the hassle of me having to revert to my silent ice queen bitch mode all night.

But I won't always be talking with friends, and I won't always have people understand my little quirks right off the bat. And I come off as a deathly quiet ice queen bitch off even without doing anything anyway so what the heck.

A Promise

"Poor Anatole: For me Leigh's a fuck. For him, the stars would sing, the heavens would open were he allowed a single touch. But of course the stars don't sing, the heavens are vast and impressive but empty, empty, empty."

-- Lydia, in Paul Russell's The Salt Point