Just Pull The Trigger Why Don't You

a friend noticed it. i don't say goodbye. not the word. not even on the phone before hanging up or after a night out. i don't like the way it rolls off my tongue. ask me to say it and it wouldn't sound right. like someone saying "i'm happy" when one doesn't really mean it.

bad enough when i hear someone saying it. especially from someone i don't really want to go. not ever. i'm scary that way.

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IT JUST KILLS ME whenever you say goodbye. goodbye and its different variants. bye, byers, g'bye... sneaky little demons clawing at my heart, telling me i won't see you again.

i guess i should be grateful. it's better than having you around, staying as a "friend," having to hear you say goodbye over and over and over and over...

but still. it hurts me so much that i want to kick you in the gut and tell you to leave me the fuck alone. leave me and my sorry little life alone. bad enough you're near to screw with my already screwed up mind a hundred times over...

SO WHAT IN THE LIVING HELLS DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

i've always wallowed in ambiguity. (subtlety nothing.) covering myself in thick mists no one has been able to penetrate. (as if anyone dared to.) but here i am trying to pick myself out from off of it and you're always somehow somewhere else covered in your own damned clouds, laughing all the way.

that's just so fucking cruel.

you're telling me that i'm insane for wanting to see a movie because i needed to cry. i'm insane for a lot of reasons but i don't think that's one of 'em. if anything i want to see that movie so i can cry because YOU'RE the one who's making me insane you little shit.

i love you ok. deeply, DEEPER than i would comfortably, that i would WANT to feel. so please if you choose to remain in your cubbyhole little comfort zone and refuse my outstretched hands (because now i'm not sure whether i'm the one who needs saving or you), i think it's my turn to say goodbye.