There is a massive black cloud of confusion above my head. I am losing faith in this account, and in my capacity as a Lead. Maybe it's because of a bad morning, a bad week, a bad life -- depends when you start counting. In any case, there has been no end to the riot of opposing noises in my head, telling me what I can and can't do, what I must and mustn't do.
I hope things clear up soon -- at least up until the point where I can wander without bumping into anything sharp.
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Free Falling
For the past week, I've been going home 8PM on the average. That's three hours from when my shift actually ends. Now I know that isn't really much compared to how long other people stay in the office, but that's a ginormous feat for me.
Well... no, actually. It used to be unthinkable for me to think about work a lot. But now, I haven't really been making a big deal out of it. Like I told my boss, this devil-may-care attitude I'm swimming in is helping me work -- for the meantime that is. I'm being very agreeable, and I try to dodge any crossroad or circumstance which can lead to anything even remotely stressful.
I accepted the lead position because I figured I can do it -- even if I didn't want it -- and it wasn't inconveniencing me too much anyway. I mean, sure I get to go home around 8 or 9, and SURE it never fails that I sleep with a slight headache every night, but BIG EFFING DEAL. I live a few blocks from the office anyway. In fact, I forget about it so much, sometimes I even miss tracking my overtime hours. Insane, yeah, I know. But hey. I don't really give a flying fug.
Anyway, I'm not counting on anything to last. Much less the rare times when I'm this way. Burnout is always a possibility. And the moment I start feeling the heat... I'll be sure to scream my lungs out so the world will know.
Well... no, actually. It used to be unthinkable for me to think about work a lot. But now, I haven't really been making a big deal out of it. Like I told my boss, this devil-may-care attitude I'm swimming in is helping me work -- for the meantime that is. I'm being very agreeable, and I try to dodge any crossroad or circumstance which can lead to anything even remotely stressful.
I accepted the lead position because I figured I can do it -- even if I didn't want it -- and it wasn't inconveniencing me too much anyway. I mean, sure I get to go home around 8 or 9, and SURE it never fails that I sleep with a slight headache every night, but BIG EFFING DEAL. I live a few blocks from the office anyway. In fact, I forget about it so much, sometimes I even miss tracking my overtime hours. Insane, yeah, I know. But hey. I don't really give a flying fug.
Anyway, I'm not counting on anything to last. Much less the rare times when I'm this way. Burnout is always a possibility. And the moment I start feeling the heat... I'll be sure to scream my lungs out so the world will know.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Step Into The Light
This is lovely. The dull and constant drumming of this morning's hangover slowly fading into the soft and easy silence of a sunny Monday afternoon is a very welcome -- and ironically relaxing -- change. Everyone's either at work or in school, except for my two aunts who are minding the store, and I practically have all the house to myself. But for some strange reason, I feel compelled just to stay here in bed. So I do.
It's been a while since I've seen the old, weather-worn capiz window in my room this way. Almost like an apparition of my grandmother (this was her room before she died and I moved in), watching over me, telling me, "It'll be all right, I'll cover you."
It's been a while since I've heard a stray dog barking or the bells of an ice cream vendor ringing somewhere far off in the streets. Closing my eyes it almost feels like if I step out of the house, I'd be seeing the friends I used to play with (Reggie, Bimbo, Lianne, Ecel and her brother Coy-Coy, Loloy, Christian, and the other neighborhood kids) on the other side of the street, hanging out in front of Reggie's house, and thinking about what game to play next -- patintero, habulan, langit-lupa -- or talking about the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode.
I'd wave to them, run across the street, and, after a few minutes of teasing Bimbo how much he likes the girl who just moved in the neighborhood, proceed to playing tumbang preso in the streets well until after dinnertime.
That was many, many, many years ago I'm afraid. I don't even know where most of my friends are now. Of course Lianne, Hono'o-chan, is still here and we still talk. And Bimbo, being Lianne's brother, I still get to see once in a while when he drops by the store or I visit their house. But the others, I don't even know where they live anymore.
Maybe I can remember the point when our childhood friendship began its descent. I know it was different for each of us, but from my eyes, that was when I began to lose them one by one. When I was 14 I came out to them. I didn't go out of the house since. I couldn't, and I didn't want to, because they made it clear I wasn't welcome anymore. Except for Lianne, I never talked with any of them after. Until eventually, I got caught up with other things, made new friends, and slowly... slowly... forgot.
•••
Years and years later, today, after two weeks of working non-stop, I finally get an official day off. I celebrated last night with two friends, getting drunk at Anthology, the same place Barny and I went to last week. At around 1AM, I got home devoid of money, sanity, and stress, and, collapsing on the bed almost immediately, I dreamt quiet, pleasant, ghost-like dreams.
As I'm finishing writing this journal entry, I can still hear the barks of a stray dog outside, and there's still a bell ringing but this time it's from a binatog vendor. A rooster joined the small orchestration, and maybe a few maya birds chirping, perched on the electric wires. It's still sunny and a bit hot but the wind is starting to pick up. Closing my eyes I can hear the laughter of my youth echoing in some distant unknown plane, beckoning me to step into the light. My grandmother urges me to walk.
Lovely, lovely, lovely...
It's been a while since I've seen the old, weather-worn capiz window in my room this way. Almost like an apparition of my grandmother (this was her room before she died and I moved in), watching over me, telling me, "It'll be all right, I'll cover you."
It's been a while since I've heard a stray dog barking or the bells of an ice cream vendor ringing somewhere far off in the streets. Closing my eyes it almost feels like if I step out of the house, I'd be seeing the friends I used to play with (Reggie, Bimbo, Lianne, Ecel and her brother Coy-Coy, Loloy, Christian, and the other neighborhood kids) on the other side of the street, hanging out in front of Reggie's house, and thinking about what game to play next -- patintero, habulan, langit-lupa -- or talking about the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode.
I'd wave to them, run across the street, and, after a few minutes of teasing Bimbo how much he likes the girl who just moved in the neighborhood, proceed to playing tumbang preso in the streets well until after dinnertime.
That was many, many, many years ago I'm afraid. I don't even know where most of my friends are now. Of course Lianne, Hono'o-chan, is still here and we still talk. And Bimbo, being Lianne's brother, I still get to see once in a while when he drops by the store or I visit their house. But the others, I don't even know where they live anymore.
Maybe I can remember the point when our childhood friendship began its descent. I know it was different for each of us, but from my eyes, that was when I began to lose them one by one. When I was 14 I came out to them. I didn't go out of the house since. I couldn't, and I didn't want to, because they made it clear I wasn't welcome anymore. Except for Lianne, I never talked with any of them after. Until eventually, I got caught up with other things, made new friends, and slowly... slowly... forgot.
Years and years later, today, after two weeks of working non-stop, I finally get an official day off. I celebrated last night with two friends, getting drunk at Anthology, the same place Barny and I went to last week. At around 1AM, I got home devoid of money, sanity, and stress, and, collapsing on the bed almost immediately, I dreamt quiet, pleasant, ghost-like dreams.
As I'm finishing writing this journal entry, I can still hear the barks of a stray dog outside, and there's still a bell ringing but this time it's from a binatog vendor. A rooster joined the small orchestration, and maybe a few maya birds chirping, perched on the electric wires. It's still sunny and a bit hot but the wind is starting to pick up. Closing my eyes I can hear the laughter of my youth echoing in some distant unknown plane, beckoning me to step into the light. My grandmother urges me to walk.
Lovely, lovely, lovely...
Saturday, December 10, 2005
When Push Comes To Shove
And while it is true humans have the freedom to choose, I can't help but wonder why most of the things happening to me right now are not because I want them to happen, but because the universe wants it to happen for me.
Like this job, for starters. I didn't want to work in the first place. Or at least, it wasn't in any of my short term plans. If anything, I just applied as a favor for a friend. I even tried to screw up my interview! I was practically throwing it away but here comes the universe serving it to me in a silver platter.
I have to admit though that it didn't turn out to be a bad thing. It's not unpleasant either. It's something I can do and not constantly complain about, is all. Nothing spectacular. But yes, I have been a drone for over a month already and I'm thinking maybe I'll stretch this state of mind for at least two, three months more.
But then yesterday afternoon... just yesterday afternoon things have taken a sudden turn and made another kink in my pleasantly grey little life. Yesterday afternoon, my supervisor and our manager talked to me and asked me if I wanted to be a Lead Agent for the team. (Now where have I encountered this similar situation before?)
Of course my mind was screaming "nooooooooooo," but other than that, I can't think up any other excuse to decline. My stats were OK, I live very near the office, I don't have any other things to do, I'm a walking, talking Free For All. So despite my inner protestations, I said yes.
And ever since then, I was in a constant haze. Either I dropped off from the world or the world fell from me. No, Podi, you had a choice. They weren't pointing a gun to your head, YOU were pointing a gun to your head.
Nevertheless I thought maybe I would have agreed anyway, gun or no gun. I don't know jack shit with this thing I just got myself into, I don't know if I'll last... but hey. Who knows when they're going to die anyway? I'll take my cue from Maxi and Sailor Moon and just love the things I can, while I still can.
Like this job, for starters. I didn't want to work in the first place. Or at least, it wasn't in any of my short term plans. If anything, I just applied as a favor for a friend. I even tried to screw up my interview! I was practically throwing it away but here comes the universe serving it to me in a silver platter.
I have to admit though that it didn't turn out to be a bad thing. It's not unpleasant either. It's something I can do and not constantly complain about, is all. Nothing spectacular. But yes, I have been a drone for over a month already and I'm thinking maybe I'll stretch this state of mind for at least two, three months more.
But then yesterday afternoon... just yesterday afternoon things have taken a sudden turn and made another kink in my pleasantly grey little life. Yesterday afternoon, my supervisor and our manager talked to me and asked me if I wanted to be a Lead Agent for the team. (Now where have I encountered this similar situation before?)
Of course my mind was screaming "nooooooooooo," but other than that, I can't think up any other excuse to decline. My stats were OK, I live very near the office, I don't have any other things to do, I'm a walking, talking Free For All. So despite my inner protestations, I said yes.
And ever since then, I was in a constant haze. Either I dropped off from the world or the world fell from me. No, Podi, you had a choice. They weren't pointing a gun to your head, YOU were pointing a gun to your head.
Nevertheless I thought maybe I would have agreed anyway, gun or no gun. I don't know jack shit with this thing I just got myself into, I don't know if I'll last... but hey. Who knows when they're going to die anyway? I'll take my cue from Maxi and Sailor Moon and just love the things I can, while I still can.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Love As Only Maxi Can
Sigh. I was supposed to meet up with a friend at Megamall last night, but because of the incessant rain, I was forced to go down at Ayala and brave the cold and wet evening walk home by myself. This, after being in a crowded bus for over an hour. Imagine, from Buendia to Ayala, A FUCKING HOUR, all because of a silly little drizzle. Metro Manila gets ridiculously panicky when things get wet.
In any case, I was in a relatively pleasant mood yesterday so it didn't really get to me. Not much anyway. The most stress I had to deal with was squeezing my way through the people to get off the bus, inch by inch, person by person, with no one sexy to... uh... say hi to.
Anyway, I decided to shake a little time off walking around the malls first and I found out that the film Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros (The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros) was showing in Glorietta too! I thought it was only screening in Megamall but apparently I was wrong. So I txted my mother, told her I'll be late, and bought tickets to the 9PM showing.
Now I'm no film critic, but I suppose I can spot a great movie -- no, a great story -- when I see one. And I'm sure the effect isn't the same for each person, but everything that Maxi went through, it's bound to stay. Most specially as a child, it has to have a kick somewhat, making one grow without regret or remorse.
But the way Maxi dealt with it, the way he makes everyone around him feels... it's simply encompassing. Even if the love he has is very childlike -- because that is what he is -- the way everyone wants to protect him strangely binds everything into place, like a pretty little lavender ribbon. It's beautiful, it's odd, it's even very campy, but it's powerful. Like Aegis. Or Sailor Moon. :-)
In any case, I was in a relatively pleasant mood yesterday so it didn't really get to me. Not much anyway. The most stress I had to deal with was squeezing my way through the people to get off the bus, inch by inch, person by person, with no one sexy to... uh... say hi to.
Anyway, I decided to shake a little time off walking around the malls first and I found out that the film Ang Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros (The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros) was showing in Glorietta too! I thought it was only screening in Megamall but apparently I was wrong. So I txted my mother, told her I'll be late, and bought tickets to the 9PM showing.
Now I'm no film critic, but I suppose I can spot a great movie -- no, a great story -- when I see one. And I'm sure the effect isn't the same for each person, but everything that Maxi went through, it's bound to stay. Most specially as a child, it has to have a kick somewhat, making one grow without regret or remorse.
But the way Maxi dealt with it, the way he makes everyone around him feels... it's simply encompassing. Even if the love he has is very childlike -- because that is what he is -- the way everyone wants to protect him strangely binds everything into place, like a pretty little lavender ribbon. It's beautiful, it's odd, it's even very campy, but it's powerful. Like Aegis. Or Sailor Moon. :-)
Monday, December 05, 2005
Hey Big Spender
First of all, Podi, you aren't exactly earning a lot. Secondly, you're not sure if you'd still be working after four months. And thirdly, YOU'RE NOT EARNING A LOT! Just thought I'd make it clear.
So get that silly thought of having a new laptop out of your deranged brain, and get your head out of the clouds. Reality check, you only have less than what you're supposed to until the next payday. No more Kitkat Whites every afternoon.
So get that silly thought of having a new laptop out of your deranged brain, and get your head out of the clouds. Reality check, you only have less than what you're supposed to until the next payday. No more Kitkat Whites every afternoon.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Beautiful Corpse
What says "live fast, love hard, leave a beautiful corpse" more than going home at 1AM blissfully drunk? Easy. Going to work at 7AM blissfully hung over. Oh, excuse me. 7:01. Of course I had to wait until my hair was dry before going out of the house. Never mind if I'm one minute late. I might have been trashed but it doesn't mean I had to look the part.
So I went to work looking immaculate and all innocent like, but really it felt as if someone flipped the whole of Manila like a fucking heavy burger patty and let it all crash on my head. Nevertheless I was still smiling like an idiot all morning -- a sort of "I'm fine, I'm not drunk, stop looking at me like that, go back to your workstation fool" kind of smile.
This was all thanks to Barny who, by some randomly and cosmically synchronized reason, wanted to go out drinking last night as well. Bottomline, it wasn't really much of an effort to get me to say yes.
We went to this really cozy bar in Adriatico -- not too crowded, not too dark, and they played the coolest blend of 80's music all night. I found myself singing with The Police, Morrissey, Queen (I think), and many other artists my older cousins used to like way back when I was a kid. Barny was disappointed I was enjoying myself far more than he was, that selfish brat.
All in all it was a Friday evening well-spent. I was aware that I might have regrets the following morning (and maybe I did, but just a teensy weensy bit), but hey. Live fast, love hard, leave a beautiful corpse. :-)
So I went to work looking immaculate and all innocent like, but really it felt as if someone flipped the whole of Manila like a fucking heavy burger patty and let it all crash on my head. Nevertheless I was still smiling like an idiot all morning -- a sort of "I'm fine, I'm not drunk, stop looking at me like that, go back to your workstation fool" kind of smile.
This was all thanks to Barny who, by some randomly and cosmically synchronized reason, wanted to go out drinking last night as well. Bottomline, it wasn't really much of an effort to get me to say yes.
We went to this really cozy bar in Adriatico -- not too crowded, not too dark, and they played the coolest blend of 80's music all night. I found myself singing with The Police, Morrissey, Queen (I think), and many other artists my older cousins used to like way back when I was a kid. Barny was disappointed I was enjoying myself far more than he was, that selfish brat.
All in all it was a Friday evening well-spent. I was aware that I might have regrets the following morning (and maybe I did, but just a teensy weensy bit), but hey. Live fast, love hard, leave a beautiful corpse. :-)
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
So I Let Crazy Settle In
The cosmos doesn't like me very much this week. I knew I shouldn't have gone out last Sunday, but being one of the more emotionally blunt variants of the species, I wasn't able to restrain myself. Who would have thought such a slight misstep on a fleetingly silent, deceptively benign Sunday night can cause such turbulence in the sine waves of the rest of my week?
Fine, it might sound like I'm exaggerating and FINE, I might just be slightly misdirecting my anger but still. STILL. The week inches on and it's becoming harder and harder to deal with. As a matter of fact, random craziness have been crawling out of the woodwork making things even more... crazy. To wit:
I've had it. No more gory details. No more trigger happy hate guns. No more talking without thinking first. No more crazy people accusing me of having sex with their boyfriends!
Fine, it might sound like I'm exaggerating and FINE, I might just be slightly misdirecting my anger but still. STILL. The week inches on and it's becoming harder and harder to deal with. As a matter of fact, random craziness have been crawling out of the woodwork making things even more... crazy. To wit:
[21:20] <miuccia> you bitch!
[21:20] <miuccia> leave my boyfriend alone!
[21:21] <RevenanT`> uhh... i think you got the wrong person
[21:22] <miuccia> no
[21:22] <miuccia> it's you!
[21:23] <RevenanT`> ooo~k, that's going to be weird
[21:23] <RevenanT`> cos i'm not seeing anyone
[21:23] <RevenanT`> much less anyone's boyfriend.
[21:23] <RevenanT`> lol
[21:24] <miuccia> you had sex with him
[21:24] <miuccia> why did you do that?
[21:24] <RevenanT`> hahahahahaah! omg
[21:24] <miuccia> ha podi
[21:24] <miuccia> why?
[21:24] <miuccia> you bitch
[21:25] <RevenanT`> listen, i haven't met up with anyone for months
[21:25] <RevenanT`> much less have sex with with anyone
[21:25] <RevenanT`> who are you anyway?
[21:20] <miuccia> leave my boyfriend alone!
[21:21] <RevenanT`> uhh... i think you got the wrong person
[21:22] <miuccia> no
[21:22] <miuccia> it's you!
[21:23] <RevenanT`> ooo~k, that's going to be weird
[21:23] <RevenanT`> cos i'm not seeing anyone
[21:23] <RevenanT`> much less anyone's boyfriend.
[21:23] <RevenanT`> lol
[21:24] <miuccia> you had sex with him
[21:24] <miuccia> why did you do that?
[21:24] <RevenanT`> hahahahahaah! omg
[21:24] <miuccia> ha podi
[21:24] <miuccia> why?
[21:24] <miuccia> you bitch
[21:25] <RevenanT`> listen, i haven't met up with anyone for months
[21:25] <RevenanT`> much less have sex with with anyone
[21:25] <RevenanT`> who are you anyway?
I've had it. No more gory details. No more trigger happy hate guns. No more talking without thinking first. No more crazy people accusing me of having sex with their boyfriends!
Thursday, November 24, 2005
All About My Mother
My mother and I had a date tonight.
Well, the original plan was to get a new mobile phone for me but the model I wanted was out of stock wherever we went, so we just took it as a sign, gave up, and had dinner instead.
It's been a while since my mother and I went out together like that. The last time was when my brother took the UPCAT around a year ago and I went with them for... uhm... moral support I guess. (I honestly couldn't recall why. I remember we had to wake up 3AM, it was really cold and clammy, and commute all the way to Quezon City which was way too far from where we live... oh, maybe I really had nothing to do.)
Anyway, while my brother was taking the test, my mother and I were walking the wet grounds of UP, looking for a place to have breakfast. We found one after a while and upon sitting down, my mother immediately asked, "Ganun ba talaga si Rafael?" ("Is Rafael really like that?")
I pretended to be thinking about it real hard while staring at a wet orange spot on the table. "Alam mo, 'nay..." ("You know, mother...") I looked at her, eyes as black as deep voids.
"Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?"
I chuckled and wiped the orange spot clean. "Seriously, 'nay, I'm sorry pero ganun talaga si Rafael." ("Seriously mother, I'm sorry but Rafael is really that way.")
She looks like she's still not convinced, but the evidence was pretty obvious already. My brother is, as a friend put it, gayer than springtime. And as is my mother's habit, she reverted to more practical things when confronted with something as disconcerting and something she knew was beyond her control, and proceeded to order our food.
Tonight wasn't all too different from that day. On a fantastically spontaneous whim, we had dinner at a Chinese restaurant in Glorietta under the pretense of being one of the old-moneyed rich (and miserably failing, much to our amusement). But despite the variance in setting, my mother had the same diffident and cautious aura, the same tiptoed precision of words. And this time we didn't talk about my brother. Instead we talked about her.
She told me how much she was like me -- until she got married and had us.
She told me how she would make it appear as if she followed every rule, bent to every condition -- as long as it suited her.
When me and my siblings came into the picture, convenience was pushed further and further from sight until every angle, every groove, every jagged edge in my mother's rose-colored life was occupied by us, and she hasn't been the same since.
Maybe that's why she goes easier on me compared to my brother and sister. Maybe that's why sometimes I see familiar flickers when her eyes become idle and listless, or when she tells me not to appear too complacent with what I have.
I know what she means. She could have been me -- she could have been what I am now exactly. But she chose another path so I could be myself. And maybe when the time comes for me to change... maybe then she would feel complete. I hope I can give it to her.
Well, the original plan was to get a new mobile phone for me but the model I wanted was out of stock wherever we went, so we just took it as a sign, gave up, and had dinner instead.
It's been a while since my mother and I went out together like that. The last time was when my brother took the UPCAT around a year ago and I went with them for... uhm... moral support I guess. (I honestly couldn't recall why. I remember we had to wake up 3AM, it was really cold and clammy, and commute all the way to Quezon City which was way too far from where we live... oh, maybe I really had nothing to do.)
Anyway, while my brother was taking the test, my mother and I were walking the wet grounds of UP, looking for a place to have breakfast. We found one after a while and upon sitting down, my mother immediately asked, "Ganun ba talaga si Rafael?" ("Is Rafael really like that?")
I pretended to be thinking about it real hard while staring at a wet orange spot on the table. "Alam mo, 'nay..." ("You know, mother...") I looked at her, eyes as black as deep voids.
"Kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?"
I chuckled and wiped the orange spot clean. "Seriously, 'nay, I'm sorry pero ganun talaga si Rafael." ("Seriously mother, I'm sorry but Rafael is really that way.")
She looks like she's still not convinced, but the evidence was pretty obvious already. My brother is, as a friend put it, gayer than springtime. And as is my mother's habit, she reverted to more practical things when confronted with something as disconcerting and something she knew was beyond her control, and proceeded to order our food.
Tonight wasn't all too different from that day. On a fantastically spontaneous whim, we had dinner at a Chinese restaurant in Glorietta under the pretense of being one of the old-moneyed rich (and miserably failing, much to our amusement). But despite the variance in setting, my mother had the same diffident and cautious aura, the same tiptoed precision of words. And this time we didn't talk about my brother. Instead we talked about her.
She told me how much she was like me -- until she got married and had us.
She told me how she would make it appear as if she followed every rule, bent to every condition -- as long as it suited her.
When me and my siblings came into the picture, convenience was pushed further and further from sight until every angle, every groove, every jagged edge in my mother's rose-colored life was occupied by us, and she hasn't been the same since.
Maybe that's why she goes easier on me compared to my brother and sister. Maybe that's why sometimes I see familiar flickers when her eyes become idle and listless, or when she tells me not to appear too complacent with what I have.
I know what she means. She could have been me -- she could have been what I am now exactly. But she chose another path so I could be myself. And maybe when the time comes for me to change... maybe then she would feel complete. I hope I can give it to her.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Weird Sense Of Aestheticism
I'm still feeling bad you know. But for the record, I knew you were telling the truth when you told me your boss had you stay in the office until six. It's just that I didn't want to put up with any more excuses from anyone for being late. Even if it were true. It's happened a hell lot to me and a time has to come when I finally snap because of it. Besides, we can always tick it off as one of my off days.
Anyway that's already over and done with. I don't really want this to go on for a long time. Such things as these get a stale aftertaste if left untended. Let's just call it quits and say I'm stereotypically a guy for being stubborn and pig-headed; and I'm stereotypically a girl for being too whiny and pissy about what happened. And because of that, I owe you Ice Monster. Or coffee. Just please don't be late again. EVER. :-P
•••
In other news, I thought my Sunday wasn't going to shape up well when my boss called me up at noon and asked me to report for work overtime. On one hand I was so put off since I was planning on proofreading a friend's pet project, and maybe even doing some character sketches for it, for the rest of the day. But on the other hand, I knew how much help our program needs so I figured if they were calling people up, it means they really need work to be done. So I dropped whatever it was I was doing, took a bath, and ran to the office -- not before picking up my copy of Kafka on the Shore first tho. I thought it might come in handy to unwind after work.
And guess what? It did! Right after work I headed down to Greenbelt, hell bent on having a quiet, stress free Sunday night -- the kind of Sunday night I used to have way back in highschool. The kind where I didn't think about school the next day nor the weekend that just ended. Like a strange, off-tangent, fleeting, Haley's Comet kind of Sunday night. That was the one I want.
Thank the cosmos as soon as I got my tea and started to read, I knew that was the kind of Sunday night I was going to get. I don't know what tipped me off, really. Maybe it was because of Kafka Tamura, the hero from the book I was reading and whom I think I'm having a crush on. Or the boy named Crow. Maybe it was because of Nakata, or the cat he named Otsuka.
Or maybe it doesn't have anything to do with the book at all, but the evening itself. It was like sitting down on a soft, easy chair, and everything about the evening is meshing out real well. I didn't even notice two hours had already passed. If it weren't for my stomach letting me know I needed to feed, I wouldn't even have bothered noticing the time.
I committed to memory the page I was reading, closed the book, and went inside the mall. It was half past seven by my watch. When I checked the screening schedule for Harry Potter, I knew I had plenty of time to get dinner and get one more chapter down.
I bought a ticket for the 8:50 screening and started walking around again, looking for a place where I can get food I haven't had in a while. I ended up having dinner at Coffee Bean, ordering an OK serving of tomato and herb pasta, and orange juice to wash it down. It was a nice dish to dawdle on while reading without having to worry about hurrying up and making a mess. Before I knew it, I was done and it was already twenty minutes till the screening starts.
I walked in the theater preparing for hordes of tittering, whimpering little children to greet me, but surprisingly, there wasn't much people around. Only several groups of families keeping to themselves, some couples, and quite a number of old people quietly minding their own business. A neutral aura of "you don't bug me, I won't bug you" pervaded the large, dimly-lit hall, which I'm perfectly fine with. I easily found a seat near the aisle, almost close to the screen, and I was immediately comfortable.
I don't have much to say about the movie. I don't even want to begin comparing it with the book since I'm sure a lot of people have done that already. Suffice it to say the movie was fine. I doubt hard core fans would be pleased with it... but hey. Deal. It was pure action from start to end, I can't even recall a memorable dialogue, much less a line. Nevertheless it was a fine movie, and I'm glad I watched it.
I went home right after, almost midnight. I was thinking of calling up a friend over the phone, tell him all about my weekend but decided against it. I guess wanted to keep it a secret for at least a day more. I chuckled for no apparent reason and laid down on the bed.
The cosmos was smiling down on me when I went to sleep last night. :-)
Anyway that's already over and done with. I don't really want this to go on for a long time. Such things as these get a stale aftertaste if left untended. Let's just call it quits and say I'm stereotypically a guy for being stubborn and pig-headed; and I'm stereotypically a girl for being too whiny and pissy about what happened. And because of that, I owe you Ice Monster. Or coffee. Just please don't be late again. EVER. :-P
In other news, I thought my Sunday wasn't going to shape up well when my boss called me up at noon and asked me to report for work overtime. On one hand I was so put off since I was planning on proofreading a friend's pet project, and maybe even doing some character sketches for it, for the rest of the day. But on the other hand, I knew how much help our program needs so I figured if they were calling people up, it means they really need work to be done. So I dropped whatever it was I was doing, took a bath, and ran to the office -- not before picking up my copy of Kafka on the Shore first tho. I thought it might come in handy to unwind after work.
And guess what? It did! Right after work I headed down to Greenbelt, hell bent on having a quiet, stress free Sunday night -- the kind of Sunday night I used to have way back in highschool. The kind where I didn't think about school the next day nor the weekend that just ended. Like a strange, off-tangent, fleeting, Haley's Comet kind of Sunday night. That was the one I want.
Thank the cosmos as soon as I got my tea and started to read, I knew that was the kind of Sunday night I was going to get. I don't know what tipped me off, really. Maybe it was because of Kafka Tamura, the hero from the book I was reading and whom I think I'm having a crush on. Or the boy named Crow. Maybe it was because of Nakata, or the cat he named Otsuka.
Or maybe it doesn't have anything to do with the book at all, but the evening itself. It was like sitting down on a soft, easy chair, and everything about the evening is meshing out real well. I didn't even notice two hours had already passed. If it weren't for my stomach letting me know I needed to feed, I wouldn't even have bothered noticing the time.
I committed to memory the page I was reading, closed the book, and went inside the mall. It was half past seven by my watch. When I checked the screening schedule for Harry Potter, I knew I had plenty of time to get dinner and get one more chapter down.
I bought a ticket for the 8:50 screening and started walking around again, looking for a place where I can get food I haven't had in a while. I ended up having dinner at Coffee Bean, ordering an OK serving of tomato and herb pasta, and orange juice to wash it down. It was a nice dish to dawdle on while reading without having to worry about hurrying up and making a mess. Before I knew it, I was done and it was already twenty minutes till the screening starts.
I walked in the theater preparing for hordes of tittering, whimpering little children to greet me, but surprisingly, there wasn't much people around. Only several groups of families keeping to themselves, some couples, and quite a number of old people quietly minding their own business. A neutral aura of "you don't bug me, I won't bug you" pervaded the large, dimly-lit hall, which I'm perfectly fine with. I easily found a seat near the aisle, almost close to the screen, and I was immediately comfortable.
I don't have much to say about the movie. I don't even want to begin comparing it with the book since I'm sure a lot of people have done that already. Suffice it to say the movie was fine. I doubt hard core fans would be pleased with it... but hey. Deal. It was pure action from start to end, I can't even recall a memorable dialogue, much less a line. Nevertheless it was a fine movie, and I'm glad I watched it.
I went home right after, almost midnight. I was thinking of calling up a friend over the phone, tell him all about my weekend but decided against it. I guess wanted to keep it a secret for at least a day more. I chuckled for no apparent reason and laid down on the bed.
The cosmos was smiling down on me when I went to sleep last night. :-)
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Better Never Late
I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!!! Making me wait for thirty minutes when you had one hour to get from Shangri-La to Ayala is inexcusable! INEXCUSABLE!
You know that I don't have a mobile phone, but we made it clear we'd be meeting six o'clock at Figaro! Sure I can consider going over a few minutes. Maybe I can still say it's OK if you're late for fifteen. But thirty!? Thirty minutes, when you had from 5:15 to get yourself from Shangri-La to Ayala is NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Even if you say there were a lot of people and it was a massive black hole trying to get a ride on the first or even the second stop, you could still make it by 6, or 6:15! 6:20 even!
You may be thinking I live near and it's no big deal for me and yes maybe I'm exaggerating but I'm angry and guess what... IT IS A BIG DEAL! Just because I live near it doesn't mean it's OK to be late or, dear lord, not arrive at all!
OK, there can be other reasons why a person can be late: unavoidable circumstances, acts of God, and every other cosmic joke one can think of... but I don't give a rat's ass. All things considered, it's even worse when that person was the one who made the invitation.
I'm sorry. I can be very patient when it counts -- and even forgiving to a fault -- but I guess it gets to a point when I have to consider it being abusive. Patience is overrated. Most of the times I can see where one person is coming from, but I hope the other person can see where I'm coming from as well. Waiting is never a happy thing to be doing. Not for anything, not for anyone, and not for you.
And I hope next time, instead of thinking "better late than never," people should start considering it should be "better never late."
You know that I don't have a mobile phone, but we made it clear we'd be meeting six o'clock at Figaro! Sure I can consider going over a few minutes. Maybe I can still say it's OK if you're late for fifteen. But thirty!? Thirty minutes, when you had from 5:15 to get yourself from Shangri-La to Ayala is NOT IMPOSSIBLE! Even if you say there were a lot of people and it was a massive black hole trying to get a ride on the first or even the second stop, you could still make it by 6, or 6:15! 6:20 even!
You may be thinking I live near and it's no big deal for me and yes maybe I'm exaggerating but I'm angry and guess what... IT IS A BIG DEAL! Just because I live near it doesn't mean it's OK to be late or, dear lord, not arrive at all!
OK, there can be other reasons why a person can be late: unavoidable circumstances, acts of God, and every other cosmic joke one can think of... but I don't give a rat's ass. All things considered, it's even worse when that person was the one who made the invitation.
I'm sorry. I can be very patient when it counts -- and even forgiving to a fault -- but I guess it gets to a point when I have to consider it being abusive. Patience is overrated. Most of the times I can see where one person is coming from, but I hope the other person can see where I'm coming from as well. Waiting is never a happy thing to be doing. Not for anything, not for anyone, and not for you.
And I hope next time, instead of thinking "better late than never," people should start considering it should be "better never late."
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Just Wing It
Well the universe sure knows how to shut me up. Here I was practically fainting, barely able to hold my frustration any longer, when I opened my mailbox and saw this.
I ought to be happy, maybe bouncing around the room with unrestrained glee. But all I'm feeling is the dead end wall of a series of exhausting but pointless events. Apparently, life can't make up its mind whether to end my day bringing me down or cheering me on. In the end both sides cancelled out and all I managed was an anticlimactic blah.
Not wanting to sound ungrateful -- I'd rather my day end up like this than having it end with me in bed in a state of near catatonia. I guess all in all I'm just glad this day is over.
•••
Work was tough as hell, and I think I'm beginning to understand what management is feeling. If we don't perform well, the client might just pull out from the company. As a matter of fact, I think the client is tightening our leash and letting us dangle out onto the edge, what with all the work that's been happening. To say things are looking mighty tremulous is an understatement. We're not only in danger of losing our client, we might also be in danger of losing our jobs.
Sigh. All this worry and it's only been two weeks since I started working with the company! I admit, this was not part of my short term plan, being here, now. But since I'm already here, now, I might as well do what I do best. Wing it.
I ought to be happy, maybe bouncing around the room with unrestrained glee. But all I'm feeling is the dead end wall of a series of exhausting but pointless events. Apparently, life can't make up its mind whether to end my day bringing me down or cheering me on. In the end both sides cancelled out and all I managed was an anticlimactic blah.
Not wanting to sound ungrateful -- I'd rather my day end up like this than having it end with me in bed in a state of near catatonia. I guess all in all I'm just glad this day is over.
Work was tough as hell, and I think I'm beginning to understand what management is feeling. If we don't perform well, the client might just pull out from the company. As a matter of fact, I think the client is tightening our leash and letting us dangle out onto the edge, what with all the work that's been happening. To say things are looking mighty tremulous is an understatement. We're not only in danger of losing our client, we might also be in danger of losing our jobs.
Sigh. All this worry and it's only been two weeks since I started working with the company! I admit, this was not part of my short term plan, being here, now. But since I'm already here, now, I might as well do what I do best. Wing it.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Silence Please: The Books Are Talking
I just got a copy of Kafka on the Shore! Oh.... I'm sorry, I'm still chasing words orbiting Jupiter, I have no idea what to say! I think I'll let Murakami-san do the talking for the meantime. :-)
'lotsa luck,' says the little kitty.
'lotsa luck,' says the little kitty.
Monday, November 14, 2005
When Christmas Comes Early
Well that was a weird, if not somewhat pleasant, surprise.
I was playing Dofus, waiting for the slightest nudge of drowsiness to give me an excuse to sleep early. Oblivious to everything else except for the explosions of light on the screen, that was when my sister unceremoniously opened the door, stuck her arm in, and handed me a yellow, fresh-from-the-store plastic bag. "Pamasko ko na sa'yo yan," she mumbled. ("That's already my Christmas gift for you.")
I reached for the package without taking my eyes off the ensuing battle and grunted something monosyllabic to the door. I was in the middle of making three 15th level sheep explode in temporal dust so my brain kind of only half-registered what just happened. Maybe that's why I couldn't figure out if the faint Hallelujah at the base of my stomach was because of winning against said sheep or because I had a copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in a plastic bag on my lap.
Suffice it to say I was quite stunned. This is the first gift I received from a sibling. EVER. I mean, I would remember if it happened before, but it hasn't, and this is the first time. Intimacy doesn't really have any bearing in our family. We're just... here. Any situation stepping on and beyond that line is already just a notch away from strange. Quite honestly, I don't think any of us would know how to react if any form of intimacy -- no matter how remote -- was shown!
So yes, I'm still stunned, but maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. Maybe I'm acting just like Prue, in that Charmed episode when they challenged her intimacy issues. Maybe I'm the only one who has intimacy issues in the family... and I don't even know it!
Or maybe I just need to start getting gifts.
I was playing Dofus, waiting for the slightest nudge of drowsiness to give me an excuse to sleep early. Oblivious to everything else except for the explosions of light on the screen, that was when my sister unceremoniously opened the door, stuck her arm in, and handed me a yellow, fresh-from-the-store plastic bag. "Pamasko ko na sa'yo yan," she mumbled. ("That's already my Christmas gift for you.")
I reached for the package without taking my eyes off the ensuing battle and grunted something monosyllabic to the door. I was in the middle of making three 15th level sheep explode in temporal dust so my brain kind of only half-registered what just happened. Maybe that's why I couldn't figure out if the faint Hallelujah at the base of my stomach was because of winning against said sheep or because I had a copy of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince in a plastic bag on my lap.
Suffice it to say I was quite stunned. This is the first gift I received from a sibling. EVER. I mean, I would remember if it happened before, but it hasn't, and this is the first time. Intimacy doesn't really have any bearing in our family. We're just... here. Any situation stepping on and beyond that line is already just a notch away from strange. Quite honestly, I don't think any of us would know how to react if any form of intimacy -- no matter how remote -- was shown!
So yes, I'm still stunned, but maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. Maybe I'm acting just like Prue, in that Charmed episode when they challenged her intimacy issues. Maybe I'm the only one who has intimacy issues in the family... and I don't even know it!
Or maybe I just need to start getting gifts.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Spreading The Love
I'm stealing this from The Tin Man, who stole this from Matt's World, who stole this from Life's A Trip, but I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I share this in my neck of the world. Some of them are culture specific, but the general thought is there. It's a riot. XD
Ten Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is Wrong
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.
7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Life: According To My Hair
The various states of disarray my hair takes on at the end of the day is usually the barometer for my emotional state at that time. Right now, my hair looks like someone ignited it with a torch and then hastily put it out with a large blanket, leaving a mass of smoking charred frizz in its wake. Imagine how dandy I must be feeling inside.
I know I'm just into the fourth day of my job, but I'm already feeling the crunch. I've even gotten into the habit of talking to myself in just a span of one week! "Podi, shut yer yap and be patient," or "Podi, try not to compare this job with your previous job," or "Podi, you can't please everyone," or "Podi, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!"
It doesn't help that management expects a lot, and by a lot I mean a LOT of hours overtime, being part of the pioneer batch. A chunk of the client's decision to remain doing business with the company is dependent on our performance. Bottomline: I can't slack, and I can't stress out. Not now.
That's why tomorrow, I have decided less shampoo, more conditioner. And possibly hair wax.
I know I'm just into the fourth day of my job, but I'm already feeling the crunch. I've even gotten into the habit of talking to myself in just a span of one week! "Podi, shut yer yap and be patient," or "Podi, try not to compare this job with your previous job," or "Podi, you can't please everyone," or "Podi, YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!"
It doesn't help that management expects a lot, and by a lot I mean a LOT of hours overtime, being part of the pioneer batch. A chunk of the client's decision to remain doing business with the company is dependent on our performance. Bottomline: I can't slack, and I can't stress out. Not now.
That's why tomorrow, I have decided less shampoo, more conditioner. And possibly hair wax.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Stepping Inside
It's an odd sensation -- a little less disconcerting, a lot more nostalgic -- stepping inside a dark room and feeling a door close behind you. The rush of air and noise from outside being shut out by an abrupt and final thud of wood on wood. Nothing stirs, as if no form or matter exists. Just you and your breathing, and if you listen close enough, your heart beating solidly against the dark.
Thoughts creep unbidden of what you will see when the lights fire up. You look around in vain, preparing for the impending glare of lights, all at once brilliant and terrible and painful to the eyes.
You are restless, weary, and impatient but you do not move. And your senses may be heightened but you are emotionally indifferent. Somehow you know, when you see what you need to see inside the cold, dark room, emotions would be mere trifle, and ultimately inconsequential. Because inside the room it doesn't matter what you feel. There is either complete acceptance of the light, or complete rejection. Face reality, or remain in the dark. Absolute truth, or absolute fiction.
It's no secret that, if given the choice, I would rather remain in fiction; in the comfort of my dark, truth-free fantasy. But I promised myself no more fighting. Let the cosmos have its way with me. My will is illusion, and now, so is the world outside this room.
So my life is once again another waiting shed until a new version of the truth comes around. That's nothing new.
Thoughts creep unbidden of what you will see when the lights fire up. You look around in vain, preparing for the impending glare of lights, all at once brilliant and terrible and painful to the eyes.
You are restless, weary, and impatient but you do not move. And your senses may be heightened but you are emotionally indifferent. Somehow you know, when you see what you need to see inside the cold, dark room, emotions would be mere trifle, and ultimately inconsequential. Because inside the room it doesn't matter what you feel. There is either complete acceptance of the light, or complete rejection. Face reality, or remain in the dark. Absolute truth, or absolute fiction.
It's no secret that, if given the choice, I would rather remain in fiction; in the comfort of my dark, truth-free fantasy. But I promised myself no more fighting. Let the cosmos have its way with me. My will is illusion, and now, so is the world outside this room.
So my life is once again another waiting shed until a new version of the truth comes around. That's nothing new.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Not Getting Any Sleep
Oh who am I kidding. I've been a nervous wreck because of this job. Well no, that's not being accurate. I am a nervous wreck at what taking this job implies. It means I have to start getting my shit in order. It means I will have to surrender to the system as I have before. It means I will once again cling to responsibilities ordinary humans are supposed to have. And although I am not totally opposed to meeting new friends, facing a fresh array of personalities means a different version of myself will be coaxed out, no matter how much I deny it.
It's happened before, and it's undoubtedly going to happen again. I'm not saying I regret it. I know how giving up a part of oneself in order to move on and accept a new piece given to you is an essential step on everyone's life path and I understand that. It's just that... the sheer randomness of it all, the free-falling sensation not knowing when you'll hit rock bottom... scares me.
I'm not getting any sleep, that's for sure.
It's happened before, and it's undoubtedly going to happen again. I'm not saying I regret it. I know how giving up a part of oneself in order to move on and accept a new piece given to you is an essential step on everyone's life path and I understand that. It's just that... the sheer randomness of it all, the free-falling sensation not knowing when you'll hit rock bottom... scares me.
I'm not getting any sleep, that's for sure.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Same Old Rain
For all my optimism, gloomy days still hover over me sometimes. I try my best to be chipper about it and think of how I've overcome much worse, but when you're smack dab in the middle of things, it's kind of hard to ignore.
It doesn't help that the weather is being erratic and is now in one of its coldest points in the day so far. It could have been early evening, but really, it's only noon. A lot of good that does to my already cloudy disposition.
•••
My day thus far: woke up and my hair was back to its frizzy and unruly self after having been trimmed and treated yesterday; talked with a couple of friends online whom I haven't seen for a long ass time -- one was a very close friend, and the other one I kinda sorta liked but didn't really do anything about; got shot down by someone for being honest with my preferred role in bed.
•••
More about my hair: I shouldn't have had it trimmed yesterday. I should have waited until I got money so I'd be able to have it relaxed again, or straightened out permanently. Now I have to wait six more months to have it return to the way it was. I can't even do a thing about it now except put it under a cap always -- which would be a problem since I'd be starting work on Wednesday and a cap in the office isn't really very appropriate. Bad bad bad move.
•••
My two long lost friends, now found: They're both wonderful people and I'm glad I got to talk with them again. One of them took me in when I didn't feel like going home for a while, and the other one I thought of as... well... someone I really like. I might still like him actually. But because of various things I wouldn't enumerate anymore, I don't think I'll act upon it any time soon. Or ever. But it's really better this way. And I'm glad I'm in touch with both of them again.
•••
The last one: I'm still not quite sure why I'm affected. I shouldn't be, since I don't really like-like him. I was beginning to, but I'm not stepping over that line yet. Maybe I'm disappointed. Not because he didn't like me anymore after finding out we're "not compatible," but rather, because I thought he was something more than I thought he was. Turns out he's EXACTLY as I thought he was. And to him I say, "If you can't see past that, you won't see the best in anyone."
•••
There. I sure hope the rest of the week unfolds more beautifully.
It doesn't help that the weather is being erratic and is now in one of its coldest points in the day so far. It could have been early evening, but really, it's only noon. A lot of good that does to my already cloudy disposition.
My day thus far: woke up and my hair was back to its frizzy and unruly self after having been trimmed and treated yesterday; talked with a couple of friends online whom I haven't seen for a long ass time -- one was a very close friend, and the other one I kinda sorta liked but didn't really do anything about; got shot down by someone for being honest with my preferred role in bed.
More about my hair: I shouldn't have had it trimmed yesterday. I should have waited until I got money so I'd be able to have it relaxed again, or straightened out permanently. Now I have to wait six more months to have it return to the way it was. I can't even do a thing about it now except put it under a cap always -- which would be a problem since I'd be starting work on Wednesday and a cap in the office isn't really very appropriate. Bad bad bad move.
My two long lost friends, now found: They're both wonderful people and I'm glad I got to talk with them again. One of them took me in when I didn't feel like going home for a while, and the other one I thought of as... well... someone I really like. I might still like him actually. But because of various things I wouldn't enumerate anymore, I don't think I'll act upon it any time soon. Or ever. But it's really better this way. And I'm glad I'm in touch with both of them again.
The last one: I'm still not quite sure why I'm affected. I shouldn't be, since I don't really like-like him. I was beginning to, but I'm not stepping over that line yet. Maybe I'm disappointed. Not because he didn't like me anymore after finding out we're "not compatible," but rather, because I thought he was something more than I thought he was. Turns out he's EXACTLY as I thought he was. And to him I say, "If you can't see past that, you won't see the best in anyone."
There. I sure hope the rest of the week unfolds more beautifully.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
The End Is The Beginning Is The End
Huzzah! for life's unflinching ability to pounce at a time one least expects it. The last two days have been one surprise after another and I wasn't sure if I could still handle it. That is, until it was over.
It started late Tuesday evening when Fire IMed me saying that there is an opening for a job me and a friend would be (almost) perfect for and we needed to meet with her first thing in the morning. Being someone who doesn't handle surprises very well, I panicked and said yes without so much as a worry or a thought. Realizing my error, I called up my friend right away and told him about it, phrasing it in a way that he doesn't have any choice in the matter. I didn't mean to say it like that, really, but my mind was on overload and I just say the first thought that pops in my head.
What followed was a long drawn conversation on how random life can be and a repeat of the talk we had the other week about wanting to take on a job and the willingness to submit to a more normal semblance of life. It appeared that the psychological idea of the truth being the first thought that comes into mind was true since we really did have no choice in the matter. We decided (or at least, made an illusion of deciding) to make an appearance the next day.
Wednesday. After a series of tests and seemingly endless interviews, we both ended up getting the job. Well, at least on that day I did. My friend has yet to confirm and fix his schedule until he can sign up. Nevertheless, it was all very taxing for the both of us and we had to cram all our issues in one day, give or take several hours.
So there. The Big Cosmic Push, arriving at a time when I thought no Push was going to happen anymore. Let this be a lesson.
----------
AFTERTHOUGHT:
I was mildly distracted during the written part of the exam, thinking if I really wanted to push through with it. Because I knew, even if it seemed we had no choice, I can still revert to my old tactics and stop. Just stop. But I painfully tried to ignore my old instincts screaming and bit back on an errant thought. I tried to focus answering questions on grammar and vocabulary, which for some reason seemed more difficult than I think they should have been for me.
Once it was over and I was given another paper for the essay part, I just knew I had to let everything out already. And so my pen relentlessly glided on the blank sheet, easing everything I had into the black ink. I didn't read through after I was done and I submitted everything raw right away. I could only imagine what I might have written there in that state of mind.
It started late Tuesday evening when Fire IMed me saying that there is an opening for a job me and a friend would be (almost) perfect for and we needed to meet with her first thing in the morning. Being someone who doesn't handle surprises very well, I panicked and said yes without so much as a worry or a thought. Realizing my error, I called up my friend right away and told him about it, phrasing it in a way that he doesn't have any choice in the matter. I didn't mean to say it like that, really, but my mind was on overload and I just say the first thought that pops in my head.
What followed was a long drawn conversation on how random life can be and a repeat of the talk we had the other week about wanting to take on a job and the willingness to submit to a more normal semblance of life. It appeared that the psychological idea of the truth being the first thought that comes into mind was true since we really did have no choice in the matter. We decided (or at least, made an illusion of deciding) to make an appearance the next day.
Wednesday. After a series of tests and seemingly endless interviews, we both ended up getting the job. Well, at least on that day I did. My friend has yet to confirm and fix his schedule until he can sign up. Nevertheless, it was all very taxing for the both of us and we had to cram all our issues in one day, give or take several hours.
So there. The Big Cosmic Push, arriving at a time when I thought no Push was going to happen anymore. Let this be a lesson.
----------
AFTERTHOUGHT:
I was mildly distracted during the written part of the exam, thinking if I really wanted to push through with it. Because I knew, even if it seemed we had no choice, I can still revert to my old tactics and stop. Just stop. But I painfully tried to ignore my old instincts screaming and bit back on an errant thought. I tried to focus answering questions on grammar and vocabulary, which for some reason seemed more difficult than I think they should have been for me.
Once it was over and I was given another paper for the essay part, I just knew I had to let everything out already. And so my pen relentlessly glided on the blank sheet, easing everything I had into the black ink. I didn't read through after I was done and I submitted everything raw right away. I could only imagine what I might have written there in that state of mind.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
And Merry Ye Meet
Magical doesn't even begin to cover it. The Universe was very happy last night at Hono'o-chan's Samhain Dinner. Both good friends -- beautiful people whom I've just met and those whom I've known for a long time -- and great food are more than enough to fill one's heart to the brim with, well, the affirmation that good things really do exist. And, daring to sound even more cheesy, it also reaffirmed and renewed the trust that I seemed to have doubted to exist in people nowadays.
Undeniably, this world has its quirks and yes, there are times when I just want to send a big fuck you sign to the cosmos, but deep deep deep deep down I believe, with every fiber of my being, that there really are more good than bad if we just care enough to look for them. And what Hono'o-chan said during the ceremony was right: that during dark times, there will always be someone we should not be afraid of to ask for help. "The circle remains open but unbroken."
Yes, love and light are real. Even through just a glimpse from our normal, often worry-laden lives, it exists and it waits for us to reach out and touch it. I hope people begin to realize the strength that comes from believing in that.
----------
AFTERTHOUGHT: At first I wanted to talk about what happened the whole night -- about the new people I've met, the great food we brought and shared especially the different cocktails we've learned to mix, and how every second was so surreal and supernatural... but I didn't want to merely report on what happened. Doing that would make it seem like it was just any other party, which it wasn't, and not only on one level. Basta. The experience was magical. :-)
Undeniably, this world has its quirks and yes, there are times when I just want to send a big fuck you sign to the cosmos, but deep deep deep deep down I believe, with every fiber of my being, that there really are more good than bad if we just care enough to look for them. And what Hono'o-chan said during the ceremony was right: that during dark times, there will always be someone we should not be afraid of to ask for help. "The circle remains open but unbroken."
Yes, love and light are real. Even through just a glimpse from our normal, often worry-laden lives, it exists and it waits for us to reach out and touch it. I hope people begin to realize the strength that comes from believing in that.
"From my heart
through these hands
to your heart,
take all the love I give
and pass it on."
----------
AFTERTHOUGHT: At first I wanted to talk about what happened the whole night -- about the new people I've met, the great food we brought and shared especially the different cocktails we've learned to mix, and how every second was so surreal and supernatural... but I didn't want to merely report on what happened. Doing that would make it seem like it was just any other party, which it wasn't, and not only on one level. Basta. The experience was magical. :-)
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Life Is A Sweet Champagne
Yesterday morning, I decided to put my absolute trust on the cosmos on whichever way it guides me. I'm running on empty -- quite literally too -- and I just want to get life over and done with without much of a fuss. Rolling with the punches, taking in whatever life throws at me, and putting out as long as I'm able to. That's how it's going to be as much as possible and if I can help it.
•••
In other news, I had dinner with some of my previous officemates last night. At first I was apprehensive on going out but the moment I saw them inside Gerry's at Prudential, all traces of worry evaporated from my being and I was immediately awash with gladness in seeing them again.
Dinner was very animated as we all had a lot of stories to tell -- how they were doing, how I was doing, the latest office gossip, love teams, and everything else that's fit to be among friends and good food. It was all devoid of any complications, perchances, and happenstances and it was great.
Not only that. I like myself when I'm with them! It's almost as if I'm a totally different person and I myself can't believe I'm capable of being outgoing, chatty, and all out happy... but I was and I swam in it. I reveled in it. Life was a sparkling champagne and I was drunk. I wanted to hold on to that sweet inebriation for as long as I can.
Towards the end of the evening, after seeing Abba off to her cab ride home and I was walking the midnight streets of Makati CBD, I thought hey this isn't so bad. Sure I may not be living the life someone like myself could have been capable of living, but I'm doing ok.
I have friends that I love, and my family is not even remotely close to being ideal, but we do care about each other. I'm even amazed at how patient they've been with me, putting up with my shit for a long time and still manage to keep me with them! All in all I'm still eternally grateful.
At the start of this entry I thought I'd wanted to write about sliding down on a feeling of resolute surrender. I thought it simply meant I was giving up. Instead it took on a life of its own and showed me another perspective of what I was going through.
Things can still be better I know, and I might still be meant to go through a hell lot more... but even if the universe decides to take me now, I wouldn't have a problem at all. "OK" might be the best I could hope for, but "OK" is good enough for me. Because I know I've made a difference, one way or another. I'm sure of it.
I'm really glad I went out last night. :-)
para sa inyo 'to ate fe, dada, tiyang mameng (na wala sa litrato, pero
alam kong gusto nyang sumali). marami kayong naituro sa'kin.
kita-kita tayo ulit. :-)
In other news, I had dinner with some of my previous officemates last night. At first I was apprehensive on going out but the moment I saw them inside Gerry's at Prudential, all traces of worry evaporated from my being and I was immediately awash with gladness in seeing them again.
Dinner was very animated as we all had a lot of stories to tell -- how they were doing, how I was doing, the latest office gossip, love teams, and everything else that's fit to be among friends and good food. It was all devoid of any complications, perchances, and happenstances and it was great.
Not only that. I like myself when I'm with them! It's almost as if I'm a totally different person and I myself can't believe I'm capable of being outgoing, chatty, and all out happy... but I was and I swam in it. I reveled in it. Life was a sparkling champagne and I was drunk. I wanted to hold on to that sweet inebriation for as long as I can.
Towards the end of the evening, after seeing Abba off to her cab ride home and I was walking the midnight streets of Makati CBD, I thought hey this isn't so bad. Sure I may not be living the life someone like myself could have been capable of living, but I'm doing ok.
I have friends that I love, and my family is not even remotely close to being ideal, but we do care about each other. I'm even amazed at how patient they've been with me, putting up with my shit for a long time and still manage to keep me with them! All in all I'm still eternally grateful.
At the start of this entry I thought I'd wanted to write about sliding down on a feeling of resolute surrender. I thought it simply meant I was giving up. Instead it took on a life of its own and showed me another perspective of what I was going through.
Things can still be better I know, and I might still be meant to go through a hell lot more... but even if the universe decides to take me now, I wouldn't have a problem at all. "OK" might be the best I could hope for, but "OK" is good enough for me. Because I know I've made a difference, one way or another. I'm sure of it.
I'm really glad I went out last night. :-)
para sa inyo 'to ate fe, dada, tiyang mameng (na wala sa litrato, pero
alam kong gusto nyang sumali). marami kayong naituro sa'kin.
kita-kita tayo ulit. :-)
Monday, October 17, 2005
The Oldest Cosmic Joke In The Book
Correction. It was not a Big Cosmic Push that happened today. It was more like Relentless Cosmic Poking, and it was annoying as hell. The day did not agree with me, not one bit. Not exactly a good way for one's life to go when it hits a curve.
It started at around 7:30 AM, I woke up when I heard a loud *blag* outside my room. Immediately I heard the groans of my brother, just waking up, apparently fending off our nephew Josh from depriving him of sleep hours. The voice to follow was my sister's shrill "Josh, wag dyan!" ("Josh, not there!") A cacophony of baby giggles and grunts followed suit and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore.
Head still tubthumping, I got up to do my dailies and print out my resume. Right on cue, the friend whom I was applying with called me up and we talked about how we'll be meeting up later. We agreed on the usual place and time and then we talked some more about the job we are applying for, what we are doing, and if we really wanted to do it. Again, we agreed that we didn't really want to do it, but with the cosmos' insistent pushing, it's pretty difficult to just stand and weather it out. So might as well just let it do its magic.
At around noon, I was already on my way out to meet with my friend so I got my anti-social device ready. But something was wrong. I could not lock the keys. The thing you push at the top doesn't work. But I didn't panic. I thought maybe if I restart, it would work fine again, so I restarted. After booting up, I tried locking the keys one more time. It still didn't work!
And then the memory came rushing into me like a reverse explosion. The noise I heard in the morning was actually my iPod falling down from its perch beside the TV.
Oh. My. G--!
My iPod is broken! After taking care of it and being good to it and pampering it like something that came out of me, it was broken! OK, the sound still works and it still plays songs, but still! I haven't tried connecting it to the computer yet... I hope no other damage was done...
I knew then. I KNEW THEN that this day was not going to agree with me. I trudged over to the meeting place with my broken iPod and waited for my friend. I was hoping to get things over and done with and get home right away after doing what we needed to do, but my friend being one hour late didn't really help my mood at all. (Don't worry, I forgive you. LOL. My day just had a nasty start.)
I tried to ignore the battery acid in my throat when my friend arrived and just focused on getting to the office. Sure it was raining and sure my hair was not at all cooperating but I was close to not caring anymore! I just wanted to get it over and done with.
Thankfully, we got to the office dry and fairly presentable. We immediately talked with the person we needed to talk with and took the test, which was fairly easy. After which, the person told us that we needed to go to the main office to take another test, and if possible, an interview.
Again, it was not in the day's plans but sensibilities won over whining. My friend and I decided it would be better if we get things done right away. So we grudgingly went to the main office.
Now maybe it was just my mood, or maybe a lot of things were coming at me from all sides, but my mind blacked out and I forgot where the main office was located even if I knew, I knew, I KNEW where it was. We ended up getting down at the wrong stop and walking a few blocks back to the building.
So FINALLY we got there, and we got to talk with the person in charge. We were given another test -- which was a lot harder than what we were made to take in the other office. I was only able to answer 6 out of 10 questions actually, which I knew wasn't enough to get me in. After the exam was done, the person who administered the test told us she would be tallying the results and depending on how we did, she'd call us up and set us for an interview the next day. We thanked her and left without lingering anymore.
Getting home, the two of us are now fretting about the following day. I'm pretty sure there's very little chance of me getting in, so I won't be surprised if they don't call. I might even be relieved. Sure I'd be disappointed, but not because I didn't get in... but because I put too much trust on the cosmos, and I knew some of my friends were expecting me to get in.
Hey, I screw up too.
It started at around 7:30 AM, I woke up when I heard a loud *blag* outside my room. Immediately I heard the groans of my brother, just waking up, apparently fending off our nephew Josh from depriving him of sleep hours. The voice to follow was my sister's shrill "Josh, wag dyan!" ("Josh, not there!") A cacophony of baby giggles and grunts followed suit and I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore.
Head still tubthumping, I got up to do my dailies and print out my resume. Right on cue, the friend whom I was applying with called me up and we talked about how we'll be meeting up later. We agreed on the usual place and time and then we talked some more about the job we are applying for, what we are doing, and if we really wanted to do it. Again, we agreed that we didn't really want to do it, but with the cosmos' insistent pushing, it's pretty difficult to just stand and weather it out. So might as well just let it do its magic.
At around noon, I was already on my way out to meet with my friend so I got my anti-social device ready. But something was wrong. I could not lock the keys. The thing you push at the top doesn't work. But I didn't panic. I thought maybe if I restart, it would work fine again, so I restarted. After booting up, I tried locking the keys one more time. It still didn't work!
And then the memory came rushing into me like a reverse explosion. The noise I heard in the morning was actually my iPod falling down from its perch beside the TV.
Oh. My. G--!
My iPod is broken! After taking care of it and being good to it and pampering it like something that came out of me, it was broken! OK, the sound still works and it still plays songs, but still! I haven't tried connecting it to the computer yet... I hope no other damage was done...
I knew then. I KNEW THEN that this day was not going to agree with me. I trudged over to the meeting place with my broken iPod and waited for my friend. I was hoping to get things over and done with and get home right away after doing what we needed to do, but my friend being one hour late didn't really help my mood at all. (Don't worry, I forgive you. LOL. My day just had a nasty start.)
I tried to ignore the battery acid in my throat when my friend arrived and just focused on getting to the office. Sure it was raining and sure my hair was not at all cooperating but I was close to not caring anymore! I just wanted to get it over and done with.
Thankfully, we got to the office dry and fairly presentable. We immediately talked with the person we needed to talk with and took the test, which was fairly easy. After which, the person told us that we needed to go to the main office to take another test, and if possible, an interview.
Again, it was not in the day's plans but sensibilities won over whining. My friend and I decided it would be better if we get things done right away. So we grudgingly went to the main office.
Now maybe it was just my mood, or maybe a lot of things were coming at me from all sides, but my mind blacked out and I forgot where the main office was located even if I knew, I knew, I KNEW where it was. We ended up getting down at the wrong stop and walking a few blocks back to the building.
So FINALLY we got there, and we got to talk with the person in charge. We were given another test -- which was a lot harder than what we were made to take in the other office. I was only able to answer 6 out of 10 questions actually, which I knew wasn't enough to get me in. After the exam was done, the person who administered the test told us she would be tallying the results and depending on how we did, she'd call us up and set us for an interview the next day. We thanked her and left without lingering anymore.
Getting home, the two of us are now fretting about the following day. I'm pretty sure there's very little chance of me getting in, so I won't be surprised if they don't call. I might even be relieved. Sure I'd be disappointed, but not because I didn't get in... but because I put too much trust on the cosmos, and I knew some of my friends were expecting me to get in.
Hey, I screw up too.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
While Waiting For The Cosmos
While waiting for the Big Cosmos Push, a meme sounded like a nice thing to do to while away the idle cosmic dust settling in my life. For this to work, one has to Google "[your name] needs" (with the quotation marks) and post the top ten things you like that come up.
- Podi needs to be involved in writing all RFP's out of CMHS. (Because he used to be a member of the CIA who is now working for SD-6.)
- Podi needs butt-plugs up his ass. (Doesn't everyone?)
- Podi needs a new partner, and he seems to be romantically interested in her, too. (Her? What parallel life of mine are we talking about here?)
- Podi needs treatment at a hospital that specializes in training the handicapped. (It's the second most wonderful place on Earth, I've been told.)
- Podi needs Lizzie to impersonate Isabella at a big music awards show. (Meanwhile, his evil twin is plotting the downfall of his multi-million dollar empire.)
- Podi needs to stick some size 9s up his sons' butt cracks. (Serves him right too.)
- Podi needs a makeover himself. (Because the 'tortured artist' act is getting mighty stale.)
- Podi needs meds twice a day and he's supposed to wear an eye patch at night to protect his cornea. (Casting curses and throwing hexes is taking a toll on me. It's not as fun as it was.)
- Podi needs to work toward making commitments to fewer projects so he completes more of the ones he begins. (He also needs to start CHARGING with what little work he's getting.)
- Podi needs some little icon like the smiley face, to know when someone is being sarcastic. (Like thus: >.> Hehehe...)
Sigh... Days of not doing anything but waiting, and I have nothing more to do than a stupid meme. Oh well. Maybe this is the calm before the storm. Better milk it for all it's worth. :-)
- Podi needs to be involved in writing all RFP's out of CMHS. (Because he used to be a member of the CIA who is now working for SD-6.)
- Podi needs butt-plugs up his ass. (Doesn't everyone?)
- Podi needs a new partner, and he seems to be romantically interested in her, too. (Her? What parallel life of mine are we talking about here?)
- Podi needs treatment at a hospital that specializes in training the handicapped. (It's the second most wonderful place on Earth, I've been told.)
- Podi needs Lizzie to impersonate Isabella at a big music awards show. (Meanwhile, his evil twin is plotting the downfall of his multi-million dollar empire.)
- Podi needs to stick some size 9s up his sons' butt cracks. (Serves him right too.)
- Podi needs a makeover himself. (Because the 'tortured artist' act is getting mighty stale.)
- Podi needs meds twice a day and he's supposed to wear an eye patch at night to protect his cornea. (Casting curses and throwing hexes is taking a toll on me. It's not as fun as it was.)
- Podi needs to work toward making commitments to fewer projects so he completes more of the ones he begins. (He also needs to start CHARGING with what little work he's getting.)
- Podi needs some little icon like the smiley face, to know when someone is being sarcastic. (Like thus: >.> Hehehe...)
Sigh... Days of not doing anything but waiting, and I have nothing more to do than a stupid meme. Oh well. Maybe this is the calm before the storm. Better milk it for all it's worth. :-)
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Walk The Path Your Way
from the title angel sanctuary. zaphkiel, the great one of thrones,
tells sara to take responsibility of her choices.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Something Undeniably Human
The universe might indeed have plans of making me move, but there is still a chance, however little, that I might counteract. I have made little resistance so far as to how I am being swayed by the tides, but there is still a part of me -- a very childlike part -- that wants to stay put and stop moving.
Once again, after quite a long while, I am at a crossroads. Even if there is no part of me being held down, even if I have no sense of purpose binding me to this life, still I am faced with something undeniably human. A choice.
I am feeling the pressure coming at me from all fronts. And a realization. That there is nothing in this world which can make one feel weakness and strength at the same time; nothing else which can make one feel more alone... than the act of making a choice.
Cosmos help me...
Once again, after quite a long while, I am at a crossroads. Even if there is no part of me being held down, even if I have no sense of purpose binding me to this life, still I am faced with something undeniably human. A choice.
I am feeling the pressure coming at me from all fronts. And a realization. That there is nothing in this world which can make one feel weakness and strength at the same time; nothing else which can make one feel more alone... than the act of making a choice.
Cosmos help me...
Friday, October 07, 2005
Just What The Doctor Ordered
The universe is out to give me a big, solid push. It's not going to be very pleasant, I just know it. It's going to feel exactly like taking a very large pill. A SUPPOSITORY.
I suppose I should be grateful. After all, I haven't had any anal action in a while.
I suppose I should be grateful. After all, I haven't had any anal action in a while.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Tagged Once More
A deep court curtsy to Aajao for tagging me. Apologies for not being able to post my answers right away. Now that I have, I feel like I've accomplished something, if only to justify the hours consumed trying to come up with honest answers. I hope you won't be disappointed. :P
•••
Ten Years Ago: I was 13, freshman in highschool and still safely tucked in my little innocent world. All I knew back then was that the world revolved on studying and getting good grades and pleasing everyone, which I did quite well too. I would have wanted to go back, be like that again. Innocence has its charms after all.
Five years ago: I was 18, a college freshman, and a recovering truant. I had just gone back to school after taking a one-year break from everything and it honestly felt good to have my feet on solid ground again. I was making new friends, rediscovering myself, learning new things, and learning to let go. I didn't know what lay ahead -- which should have been enough to scare me; on the contrary I was looking forward to it. I was young and blind and very, very eager. How foolish it all seemed now.
One year ago: I just finished the client-specific training as an Email Support Agent in PeopleSupport. Once again it was a time of new friends, new experiences, and various changes. I had high hopes that life would be better for me from then on. I still knew that a lot of unexpected things can happen -- that the euphoria I had then wouldn't last, and I couldn't have been more accurate. But I was determined to live in that moment and drown in it for all it was worth. Happiness may be fleeting, but I would never forget it once it has landed on my tongue. My stint in PS might have ended roughly, but still I'm grateful to the cosmos for granting me those wonderful seven months.
Yesterday: Having finished the murals for Azta and having regained my Internet connection at home, I rediscovered the joys of once again surrendering to the deep waves of cyberspace. I caught up in my backlog of articles from Digg and Kinja, answered emails, talked with friends I haven't talked with in a while, and conceptualized a new design for The White Room. I was also thinking of taking on a new job, but it's all still quite vague. Whatever happens in the next few days might decide if I want to stay with graphic designing, or move on to something more, shall we say, regular. Que sera sera.
•••
Five Snacks I Enjoy: Oishi Pillows, Cashew Nuts, Nissins Yakisoba, Rebisco Butter Filling, Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Five Songs Which I've Mastered the Lyrics: You Were Meant For Me by Jewel, The Greatest Story Ever Told by Oliver James, The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice, 20,000 Seconds by K's Choice, Sleeps With Butterflies by Tori Amos.
Five Things I Would Do With 100 Million Dollars: Make sure my family and friends are living safely and comfortably, invest in a business so the money keeps on moving and doesn't run out, build a school (but not just an ordinary school... I still have to solidify what sets it apart, although I already have an idea in mind), fund research on finding the cure for deadly diseases, buy a secret island for myself where I can retreat when the world gets noisy.
Five Places I Would Run Away To: My room, the Internet, Jaime C. Velasquez Park in Salcedo, Baywalk, and a secret hiding place.
Five Things I Would Never Wear: I could agree to wearing almost anything. At this point, I've gone beyond caring. LOL.
Five Favorite TV Shows: I don't watch TV.
Five Bad Habits: It's only bad when you feel guilt afterwards.
Five Biggest Joys: Sailormoon, blueberry cheesecake, falling in love, laughing with friends, shaking down the stars.
Five Favorite Toys: It would be improper to mention their names wouldn't it? ;-)
Five Fictional Characters I Would Date: Chiba Mamoru, Monou Fuuma, Tidus, Cedric Diggory, Gotanda (from Haruki Murakami's Dance Dance Dance).
Tagging: Hono'o-chan, Phillip, Paul, Prinz, Alvin.
Ten Years Ago: I was 13, freshman in highschool and still safely tucked in my little innocent world. All I knew back then was that the world revolved on studying and getting good grades and pleasing everyone, which I did quite well too. I would have wanted to go back, be like that again. Innocence has its charms after all.
Five years ago: I was 18, a college freshman, and a recovering truant. I had just gone back to school after taking a one-year break from everything and it honestly felt good to have my feet on solid ground again. I was making new friends, rediscovering myself, learning new things, and learning to let go. I didn't know what lay ahead -- which should have been enough to scare me; on the contrary I was looking forward to it. I was young and blind and very, very eager. How foolish it all seemed now.
One year ago: I just finished the client-specific training as an Email Support Agent in PeopleSupport. Once again it was a time of new friends, new experiences, and various changes. I had high hopes that life would be better for me from then on. I still knew that a lot of unexpected things can happen -- that the euphoria I had then wouldn't last, and I couldn't have been more accurate. But I was determined to live in that moment and drown in it for all it was worth. Happiness may be fleeting, but I would never forget it once it has landed on my tongue. My stint in PS might have ended roughly, but still I'm grateful to the cosmos for granting me those wonderful seven months.
Yesterday: Having finished the murals for Azta and having regained my Internet connection at home, I rediscovered the joys of once again surrendering to the deep waves of cyberspace. I caught up in my backlog of articles from Digg and Kinja, answered emails, talked with friends I haven't talked with in a while, and conceptualized a new design for The White Room. I was also thinking of taking on a new job, but it's all still quite vague. Whatever happens in the next few days might decide if I want to stay with graphic designing, or move on to something more, shall we say, regular. Que sera sera.
Five Snacks I Enjoy: Oishi Pillows, Cashew Nuts, Nissins Yakisoba, Rebisco Butter Filling, Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Five Songs Which I've Mastered the Lyrics: You Were Meant For Me by Jewel, The Greatest Story Ever Told by Oliver James, The Blower's Daughter by Damien Rice, 20,000 Seconds by K's Choice, Sleeps With Butterflies by Tori Amos.
Five Things I Would Do With 100 Million Dollars: Make sure my family and friends are living safely and comfortably, invest in a business so the money keeps on moving and doesn't run out, build a school (but not just an ordinary school... I still have to solidify what sets it apart, although I already have an idea in mind), fund research on finding the cure for deadly diseases, buy a secret island for myself where I can retreat when the world gets noisy.
Five Places I Would Run Away To: My room, the Internet, Jaime C. Velasquez Park in Salcedo, Baywalk, and a secret hiding place.
Five Things I Would Never Wear: I could agree to wearing almost anything. At this point, I've gone beyond caring. LOL.
Five Favorite TV Shows: I don't watch TV.
Five Bad Habits: It's only bad when you feel guilt afterwards.
Five Biggest Joys: Sailormoon, blueberry cheesecake, falling in love, laughing with friends, shaking down the stars.
Five Favorite Toys: It would be improper to mention their names wouldn't it? ;-)
Five Fictional Characters I Would Date: Chiba Mamoru, Monou Fuuma, Tidus, Cedric Diggory, Gotanda (from Haruki Murakami's Dance Dance Dance).
Tagging: Hono'o-chan, Phillip, Paul, Prinz, Alvin.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
The House Inside The Dream
My dreams have been becoming... interesting lately. Not at all weird, as again, saying dreams are weird is redundant. Interesting in a way that it has an actual plot or at least a semblance thereof. Ordinary dreams are usually just fragmentary and fleeting, while interesting dreams have stories and are more vivid, such as the one I had last night.
In a nutshell, the setting was all very similar to a cross between Big Brother and Battle Royale -- which was odd in itself since I don't watch Big Brother at all, although I know the general premise of the show.
Anyway, I was with ten others in a very large, very Victorian-type house (which, for the purposes of this narration, will be referred to from here on as The House). One of them I knew -- a classmate from when I was still studying in Don Bosco. One looks like someone from the Middle East, one oddly resembles Paris Hilton (but I'm sure was Filipina), and the others... I don't exactly remember but are of various age range and nationality.
I felt a shift and it seemed like we were inside The House for several days already. Some were exploring the grounds, and the others were talking or doing something else. Overall however, The House was very quiet. The silence was thick and as oppressive as the forest surrounding it. It was very creepy.
Another shift and I saw the Middle Eastern guy. He was inside a poorly lit room, doubled over in pain, and coughing terribly. A few more minutes of misery and blood was spewing out from his mouth. His eyes widened as a last futile act of plea for release, and seconds after, he was gone. I almost felt his soul being wrenched out of him, like a miasma of acid green poison. I knew someone poisoned him.
Shift, and I was with my other companions. We were talking about the Middle Eastern guy and how all of us should be careful. One of the guys, a tall Caucasian man, stood up and said he was going to scout the place. The girl who looked like Paris Hilton went with him and the rest of us stayed put. My (un)consciousness went with them. I somehow knew they both liked each other, so it was not surprising that the girl went with the guy. Also, I knew they were not coming back.
A shift brought me to a room where the tall Caucasian guy was. Somehow, Paris-girl wasn't with him. He was in a similar room where the Middle Eastern guy was before, and it seemed like he was aware of a strange presence inside the room. I felt it too. He was in combat stance, ready to fight, and absolutely no trace of fear marking his hard face. At the same time, I felt the strange presence circling him, like a wild cat surveying its prey, silent and watchful. Without warning, everything went dark. The last I saw was a streak of red lining one of the walls, and it was over.
Shift. Paris-girl was in another room. She was shouting the tall Caucasian's name. I feel another presence but this time, it wasn't singular. It was a multitude of intangible threats, slowly advancing towards the girl. I wanted to warn the girl, make her aware of the danger even if there was no hope of escape. The girl kept on screaming the guy's name. She only felt the presence at the final moment when, with a shocked look on her face, she suppressed a gasp. A heartbeat, and it was done.
Shift. It was a few days after the deaths of our companions and we were still talking nonstop about it, grimly concluding that we were here to be murdered. Though most probably, as with similar (but less dire) situations, there might be a sinister purpose from the people who run The House to leave just one of us alive.
However, for a reason we can't explain, we felt that the killings that have happened seemed highly... irregular. Like it wasn't actually caused by the owner of The House. Like it was done by some other entity. Which makes the situation complicated not only for us guests, but also for the owner of The House. Someone else was with us in The House, and wants us all dead. All of us decided to stick together from then on, and to trust only each other.
Once again, I felt a shift. No murders happened for almost a week, but we were still as guarded as ever. The eight of us who were left settled down for another quiet dinner, in our minds counting down how many more dinners each of us still had left to enjoy. I was seated at one end of the table and to my right was my highschool classmate. He was particularly very attentive, something I didn't notice at all until that night.
Now that I was thinking about it, he has indeed been giving me attention more than what he normally used to -- always asking how I was doing, keeping me company wherever I went, being generally protective, and even smiling carelessly at the most unexpected of times. While processing thoughts of a dawning realization, I wasn't even aware of the oblivious expression I had on because I was caught off-guard when I noticed him looking amusedly back at me. Apparently he was done putting food on my plate and was now filling my glass with wine. "What?" he asked, smiling.
I was already saying one half of "I'm fine" in response when I noticed a red glow surrounding him. Suddenly his smile was gone, to be replaced by a shocked expression marring his face. And it seemed like the flow of time slowed down to accommodate all the thoughts it had to cram inside my head, and everything went quiet...
It wasn't until I heard the crash of the wine bottle on the floor when I snapped back to my senses and saw that only his clothes were left beside me. The rest of him dissolved into ashes. The screams of my companions didn't even register until someone took my arm and pulled me up off from my seat and told me to run. I couldn't at first, but upon standing, I was being pushed by two of my other friends forward so I did. They were hysterical, and the panic in the air compelled me to follow them.
While we were running, I remember I kept on repeating, "What happened, what happened, what happened..." And they told me, quite breathlessly, that four of our companions just suddenly dissolved into ashes. That there were only four of us left, and that they were intent on getting out of The House by whatever means possible.
We came to a glass wall -- which they promptly landed a blow on, but was only successful in hurting themselves. Driven by adrenalin, they got up and started punching and kicking the glass wall again.
I was still out of sorts, still thinking about my highschool classmate, still processing every bit of data crammed in my head. I could feel the panic which was apparently driving my friends into a frenzy building up inside me as well, still quite muted by my current thoughts.
I punched the glass wall. "We're getting out of here," I whispered. And I saw a crack on the wall where my punch has landed.
A shift. And then I woke up.
In a nutshell, the setting was all very similar to a cross between Big Brother and Battle Royale -- which was odd in itself since I don't watch Big Brother at all, although I know the general premise of the show.
Anyway, I was with ten others in a very large, very Victorian-type house (which, for the purposes of this narration, will be referred to from here on as The House). One of them I knew -- a classmate from when I was still studying in Don Bosco. One looks like someone from the Middle East, one oddly resembles Paris Hilton (but I'm sure was Filipina), and the others... I don't exactly remember but are of various age range and nationality.
I felt a shift and it seemed like we were inside The House for several days already. Some were exploring the grounds, and the others were talking or doing something else. Overall however, The House was very quiet. The silence was thick and as oppressive as the forest surrounding it. It was very creepy.
Another shift and I saw the Middle Eastern guy. He was inside a poorly lit room, doubled over in pain, and coughing terribly. A few more minutes of misery and blood was spewing out from his mouth. His eyes widened as a last futile act of plea for release, and seconds after, he was gone. I almost felt his soul being wrenched out of him, like a miasma of acid green poison. I knew someone poisoned him.
Shift, and I was with my other companions. We were talking about the Middle Eastern guy and how all of us should be careful. One of the guys, a tall Caucasian man, stood up and said he was going to scout the place. The girl who looked like Paris Hilton went with him and the rest of us stayed put. My (un)consciousness went with them. I somehow knew they both liked each other, so it was not surprising that the girl went with the guy. Also, I knew they were not coming back.
A shift brought me to a room where the tall Caucasian guy was. Somehow, Paris-girl wasn't with him. He was in a similar room where the Middle Eastern guy was before, and it seemed like he was aware of a strange presence inside the room. I felt it too. He was in combat stance, ready to fight, and absolutely no trace of fear marking his hard face. At the same time, I felt the strange presence circling him, like a wild cat surveying its prey, silent and watchful. Without warning, everything went dark. The last I saw was a streak of red lining one of the walls, and it was over.
Shift. Paris-girl was in another room. She was shouting the tall Caucasian's name. I feel another presence but this time, it wasn't singular. It was a multitude of intangible threats, slowly advancing towards the girl. I wanted to warn the girl, make her aware of the danger even if there was no hope of escape. The girl kept on screaming the guy's name. She only felt the presence at the final moment when, with a shocked look on her face, she suppressed a gasp. A heartbeat, and it was done.
Shift. It was a few days after the deaths of our companions and we were still talking nonstop about it, grimly concluding that we were here to be murdered. Though most probably, as with similar (but less dire) situations, there might be a sinister purpose from the people who run The House to leave just one of us alive.
However, for a reason we can't explain, we felt that the killings that have happened seemed highly... irregular. Like it wasn't actually caused by the owner of The House. Like it was done by some other entity. Which makes the situation complicated not only for us guests, but also for the owner of The House. Someone else was with us in The House, and wants us all dead. All of us decided to stick together from then on, and to trust only each other.
Once again, I felt a shift. No murders happened for almost a week, but we were still as guarded as ever. The eight of us who were left settled down for another quiet dinner, in our minds counting down how many more dinners each of us still had left to enjoy. I was seated at one end of the table and to my right was my highschool classmate. He was particularly very attentive, something I didn't notice at all until that night.
Now that I was thinking about it, he has indeed been giving me attention more than what he normally used to -- always asking how I was doing, keeping me company wherever I went, being generally protective, and even smiling carelessly at the most unexpected of times. While processing thoughts of a dawning realization, I wasn't even aware of the oblivious expression I had on because I was caught off-guard when I noticed him looking amusedly back at me. Apparently he was done putting food on my plate and was now filling my glass with wine. "What?" he asked, smiling.
I was already saying one half of "I'm fine" in response when I noticed a red glow surrounding him. Suddenly his smile was gone, to be replaced by a shocked expression marring his face. And it seemed like the flow of time slowed down to accommodate all the thoughts it had to cram inside my head, and everything went quiet...
It wasn't until I heard the crash of the wine bottle on the floor when I snapped back to my senses and saw that only his clothes were left beside me. The rest of him dissolved into ashes. The screams of my companions didn't even register until someone took my arm and pulled me up off from my seat and told me to run. I couldn't at first, but upon standing, I was being pushed by two of my other friends forward so I did. They were hysterical, and the panic in the air compelled me to follow them.
While we were running, I remember I kept on repeating, "What happened, what happened, what happened..." And they told me, quite breathlessly, that four of our companions just suddenly dissolved into ashes. That there were only four of us left, and that they were intent on getting out of The House by whatever means possible.
We came to a glass wall -- which they promptly landed a blow on, but was only successful in hurting themselves. Driven by adrenalin, they got up and started punching and kicking the glass wall again.
I was still out of sorts, still thinking about my highschool classmate, still processing every bit of data crammed in my head. I could feel the panic which was apparently driving my friends into a frenzy building up inside me as well, still quite muted by my current thoughts.
I punched the glass wall. "We're getting out of here," I whispered. And I saw a crack on the wall where my punch has landed.
A shift. And then I woke up.
Friday, September 30, 2005
Friday Morning Goof Fest
Someone bring me food! I'm here at Jasper's place again, trying to finish the Azta murals. It's barely lunchtime and I have a lot of whining piling up already. :-(
Standard Good News first tho. I was able to pay our PLDT phone and Internet bill this morning! I had to wake up early but I didn't mind since it was all for a good cause anyway. Besides, it all paid off as I was first in line! よかつた!
However, glad as I am that we're completely clean now from any obligations, I did not have fun ricocheting from Makati to Mandaluyong several times this morning. Granted it's mostly my fault for being such an absent-minded professor and forgetting little things... But I was counting on the good karma which the cosmos still owes me. Apparently it isn't going to pay up anytime soon. Huff.
Still hungry tho. Still want food. :D
Standard Good News first tho. I was able to pay our PLDT phone and Internet bill this morning! I had to wake up early but I didn't mind since it was all for a good cause anyway. Besides, it all paid off as I was first in line! よかつた!
However, glad as I am that we're completely clean now from any obligations, I did not have fun ricocheting from Makati to Mandaluyong several times this morning. Granted it's mostly my fault for being such an absent-minded professor and forgetting little things... But I was counting on the good karma which the cosmos still owes me. Apparently it isn't going to pay up anytime soon. Huff.
Still hungry tho. Still want food. :D
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Not Entirely A Pushover
I'm here at Jasper's place, layouting more murals for Azta's Metrowalk branch. This would have been easier to do if it weren't for the ginormous size and resolution that we have to work with. It takes ages for an image to be edited, resized, saved, and even closed. (I think I've even mastered braiding my own hair just waiting for everything to render.)
After nine hours, four walls, and several attempts at braiding, I'm barely halfway through everything and I still have five more murals to finish -- one of these almost three times the size of what is usually done, and I don't think even Jas' super computer can handle it.
I'm hungry, I'm sick, and damnit, I'm horny. Karmic reckoning better be good for me that's all I gotta say.
----------
PS: Not having Internet at home sucks, but at least I was able to read The Half-Blood Prince. I'm still not sure if I like it tho.
After nine hours, four walls, and several attempts at braiding, I'm barely halfway through everything and I still have five more murals to finish -- one of these almost three times the size of what is usually done, and I don't think even Jas' super computer can handle it.
I'm hungry, I'm sick, and damnit, I'm horny. Karmic reckoning better be good for me that's all I gotta say.
----------
PS: Not having Internet at home sucks, but at least I was able to read The Half-Blood Prince. I'm still not sure if I like it tho.
Monday, September 26, 2005
My Muse Is A Jealous Lover
My Muse has been punishing me for neglecting her lately. Admittedly, I have been nurturing the gods of the Internet more. Especially these past few months when lappy has been my constant companion riding the waves of cyberspace, it has been giving me worlds of comfort, so different from the high i get when I write or read or sketch -- not better, just different.
Playing the role of the jealous lover only too perfectly is my Muse. And during the rare times when I turn to her for comfort -- as I have been wont to doing during highschool and college -- she only gives me a halfhearted smile and a nod before she walks away, leaving a trail of unfinished fiction, half-baked poems, and forced metaphors in its wake.
Last night while waiting for some movies to finish downloading, I opened up a blank document and tried working on some ideas that've been percolating in my head. More than that, the demons in my head needed to be let out. It's been a while since I've done so and it seems they have been getting too many to be dealt with passively as of late.
I got into a fairly good rhythm and actually found it easy to write, in a sense that the words just flowed from my fingers to the keyboard. After a couple of hours and around one-fourth of what I wanted typed neatly in several hundred words, I stopped. I looked at my fingers poised on the keys, and after a moment of inactivity, I wondered what was wrong.
I couldn't figure it out. It was all suddenly quiet. I let my demons out to play and it's like they never came back, taking my poor little ignored Muse with them. I even tried waiting a couple heartbeats minus several hours more, but after scores of paragraphs started, edited, and deleted, still nothing.
In the end I had to give it up, turn in for the night instead, and nestle back to the lover that has always been here -- lappy.
That is, until it decides to leave me too.
Playing the role of the jealous lover only too perfectly is my Muse. And during the rare times when I turn to her for comfort -- as I have been wont to doing during highschool and college -- she only gives me a halfhearted smile and a nod before she walks away, leaving a trail of unfinished fiction, half-baked poems, and forced metaphors in its wake.
Last night while waiting for some movies to finish downloading, I opened up a blank document and tried working on some ideas that've been percolating in my head. More than that, the demons in my head needed to be let out. It's been a while since I've done so and it seems they have been getting too many to be dealt with passively as of late.
I got into a fairly good rhythm and actually found it easy to write, in a sense that the words just flowed from my fingers to the keyboard. After a couple of hours and around one-fourth of what I wanted typed neatly in several hundred words, I stopped. I looked at my fingers poised on the keys, and after a moment of inactivity, I wondered what was wrong.
I couldn't figure it out. It was all suddenly quiet. I let my demons out to play and it's like they never came back, taking my poor little ignored Muse with them. I even tried waiting a couple heartbeats minus several hours more, but after scores of paragraphs started, edited, and deleted, still nothing.
In the end I had to give it up, turn in for the night instead, and nestle back to the lover that has always been here -- lappy.
That is, until it decides to leave me too.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Before I Disappear
Our phone line got cut off again. I'm pretty sure our Internet will follow soon. I'm now hoarding all the movies and reading material I can fit in lappy so when I fall off the face of the Earth like before, I won't be bored.
Here's to living in fiction, trusting in absolute truths, and believing in sensible lies. :-)
Here's to living in fiction, trusting in absolute truths, and believing in sensible lies. :-)
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Don't Try To Follow Me
It's strange when people say they had weird dreams. I always thought dreams are basically weird already, so saying one had "weird dreams" would be a tad redundant right?
Nevertheless, I had a weird dream. Freud said that everything in our dreams are, in its core, just aspects of ourselves. But the weird thing in my dream is, I know that one person in my dream is from a totally different will altogether. I strongly feel that he does not originate from my mind at all, and might actually be from another (un)consciousness entirely.
I was in my highschool uniform, and I was on a jeepney ride home from school. Beside me was another student, maybe a batch or two lower than me. Hair almost shaved, skin pasty white, reasonably attractive. I wasn't paying him any mind at all. As a matter of fact, I was so taken in by the scenery rushing before me that I was oblivious to everything else.
A few moments minus eternity, he signaled for the driver to stop. And while the jeepney was slowing to a halt, he quite forcibly nudged my left leg with his right and looked at me square in the eye. "Don't try to follow me," he said, and then he got down.
My breath got caught in a sharp intake of air and I woke up. "That wasn't me," I thought. I was shivering scared and witless, the eerie feeling clinging in my mind like somebody invaded my dreams. Up to now, I still can't get that image out of my head.
Nevertheless, I had a weird dream. Freud said that everything in our dreams are, in its core, just aspects of ourselves. But the weird thing in my dream is, I know that one person in my dream is from a totally different will altogether. I strongly feel that he does not originate from my mind at all, and might actually be from another (un)consciousness entirely.
I was in my highschool uniform, and I was on a jeepney ride home from school. Beside me was another student, maybe a batch or two lower than me. Hair almost shaved, skin pasty white, reasonably attractive. I wasn't paying him any mind at all. As a matter of fact, I was so taken in by the scenery rushing before me that I was oblivious to everything else.
A few moments minus eternity, he signaled for the driver to stop. And while the jeepney was slowing to a halt, he quite forcibly nudged my left leg with his right and looked at me square in the eye. "Don't try to follow me," he said, and then he got down.
My breath got caught in a sharp intake of air and I woke up. "That wasn't me," I thought. I was shivering scared and witless, the eerie feeling clinging in my mind like somebody invaded my dreams. Up to now, I still can't get that image out of my head.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Gone Beyond Recall Or Desire
I told my parents if I don't manage to get my shit together by the time I'm 25, I'll be entering priesthood instead. Of course most of it is jest, like when I say, "damn I need a boyfriend," and I think they knew I was just kidding too... but maybe there's a part of me -- a really, really small part of me -- that means it. Maybe not a Christian priest, but another Order somewhere. I'll find something.
Anyway the point is, if I don't stray from the path I'm on right now, I think it will only be a little more and I might be crossing the Rubicon already. No looking back, no more chances of making up for lost time.
Fine, I'm not getting any younger and FINE, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but this is the road I laid out for myself and I have to deal with the consequences trailing the decisions I've made -- just as I've done many, many times before -- whether they be good or otherwise.
Remember the words of Lady Eowyn to Lord Aragorn when they were preparing to depart for Helm's Deep?
"What do you fear, my lady?" Aragorn asked her.
"A cage." One must have noticed a strange clarity in Eowyn's eyes. She goes on to say, "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."
Those words have haunted me since I heard them. But who knows? Maybe I have crossed the Rubicon. Maybe there is no more desire in me to stray from the path I am on.
For the sake of the people who need me, I hope I'm wrong.
Anyway the point is, if I don't stray from the path I'm on right now, I think it will only be a little more and I might be crossing the Rubicon already. No looking back, no more chances of making up for lost time.
Fine, I'm not getting any younger and FINE, I still don't know what I want to do with my life, but this is the road I laid out for myself and I have to deal with the consequences trailing the decisions I've made -- just as I've done many, many times before -- whether they be good or otherwise.
Remember the words of Lady Eowyn to Lord Aragorn when they were preparing to depart for Helm's Deep?
"What do you fear, my lady?" Aragorn asked her.
"A cage." One must have noticed a strange clarity in Eowyn's eyes. She goes on to say, "To stay behind bars, until use and old age accept them, and all chance of doing great deeds is gone beyond recall or desire."
Those words have haunted me since I heard them. But who knows? Maybe I have crossed the Rubicon. Maybe there is no more desire in me to stray from the path I am on.
For the sake of the people who need me, I hope I'm wrong.
Monday, September 19, 2005
Drowning Never Felt So Nice
Atsui kimochi wa C'est La Vie
Watashi ga watashi de iru kagiri
C'est La Vie, anata wo aishi tsudzuketai
Me no mae ni aru kono shunkan ga ikiru basho
Kakenukete
-- C'est La Vie, Sailor V Insert Song
Also, I finished watching all episodes of Sailor Moon Live Action this morning, plus the one-hour Special Act. If the universe plans on snuffing out my existence, now would be the perfect time when my brain is all fogged up and I'm still floundering blissfully in Senshi limbo.
Actually I'd much rather prefer it this way. With the intensity my mind is reeling, when the cosmos finally pulls the trigger, my heaven will be with Usagi and the Senshi and Mamoru and the Shitennou.
Sigh...
Friday, September 16, 2005
Living On Nothing
Nothing. That's what I've been doing for the past what -- three days? four?
Our Internet got cut off cos we've been wading knee-deep in bills right now. That's why when our connection disappeared a few days ago, my life zip-vanished quite literally with it. And having neither landline nor mobile phone to connect me to the outside world, I was left to my own devices -- lappy in its bare-bones offline minimum.
Whole day Wednesday I stayed inside my room and I couldn't be bothered to do anything at all. I was too busy reading sixteen long chapters of my favorite Sailor Moon fanfiction, Secrets by Ken Wolfe. In a nutshell, it's an alternate perspective on how Crystal Tokyo came about through events driven by Pluto's cryptic glimpses of the future and hold on the "Old Powers" as the Guardian of Time, and Mercury's knowledge on cryogenics and nanotechnology. Deceit, trust, compromise, and the blind fury of love all dealt in one mortal blow. Heavy stuff. Ken Wolfe is a genius.
I wanted to sleep Thursday off, but I couldn't help being sorely awake at mid-afternoon. So I just regretfully settled on watching some of my DVDs yet again. A Beautiful Thing, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and some porn.
Movie marathon spilled over until Friday evening when I got the Internet connection back. Upon logging on, lappy got flooded with offline messages from people I promised to help do stuff with. Most of it I can't do anymore since the expiration date for the job was already over. It honestly made me feel real bad. Here's something I can do to get my shit together, and people actually helping me do it, but I still chose to do nothing. And on top of that, here's me hating it when I let people down.
Granted I know now can live without the Internet, but in exchange, I'd have to trade off most of my life with it. Not that I'm living much to begin with, anyway. Sigh.
PS: This was supposed to be an "I'm sorry" post, but somehow I ended up being too honest with my nonchalance. My complacency... which is, to a point, what I am really feeling. Any disappointment towards me would be rightly justified now, and I truly deserve it.
But I might have to put off the guilt at another time I'm afraid. Maybe tomorrow when I'm not too sleepy anymore. In the meantime... I'm sorry.
Our Internet got cut off cos we've been wading knee-deep in bills right now. That's why when our connection disappeared a few days ago, my life zip-vanished quite literally with it. And having neither landline nor mobile phone to connect me to the outside world, I was left to my own devices -- lappy in its bare-bones offline minimum.
Whole day Wednesday I stayed inside my room and I couldn't be bothered to do anything at all. I was too busy reading sixteen long chapters of my favorite Sailor Moon fanfiction, Secrets by Ken Wolfe. In a nutshell, it's an alternate perspective on how Crystal Tokyo came about through events driven by Pluto's cryptic glimpses of the future and hold on the "Old Powers" as the Guardian of Time, and Mercury's knowledge on cryogenics and nanotechnology. Deceit, trust, compromise, and the blind fury of love all dealt in one mortal blow. Heavy stuff. Ken Wolfe is a genius.
I wanted to sleep Thursday off, but I couldn't help being sorely awake at mid-afternoon. So I just regretfully settled on watching some of my DVDs yet again. A Beautiful Thing, Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, A Series of Unfortunate Events, and some porn.
Movie marathon spilled over until Friday evening when I got the Internet connection back. Upon logging on, lappy got flooded with offline messages from people I promised to help do stuff with. Most of it I can't do anymore since the expiration date for the job was already over. It honestly made me feel real bad. Here's something I can do to get my shit together, and people actually helping me do it, but I still chose to do nothing. And on top of that, here's me hating it when I let people down.
Granted I know now can live without the Internet, but in exchange, I'd have to trade off most of my life with it. Not that I'm living much to begin with, anyway. Sigh.
PS: This was supposed to be an "I'm sorry" post, but somehow I ended up being too honest with my nonchalance. My complacency... which is, to a point, what I am really feeling. Any disappointment towards me would be rightly justified now, and I truly deserve it.
But I might have to put off the guilt at another time I'm afraid. Maybe tomorrow when I'm not too sleepy anymore. In the meantime... I'm sorry.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Pink Is The New Headache
I just finished (sort of) the website for Hono'o-chan's little baby, Snippets. After spending two days ceaselessly fingering lappy, I was finally able to mix up the mish mash of pastel in one semi-sane layout.
I know this is bad, and I hope my best friend will forgive me for saying this... but I'm not responsible for the logo! I didn't make it, and I so achingly want to change it! I had a difficult time trying to have it fit in with the rest of the gang, but it's just acting too... yellow. Sigh. :-(
I know it's my job as a designer to somehow magically make everything fit in and look fantastic, but I don't have enough experience points in designing to acquire that skill yet. This is why I don't charge for the projects I do for people (at least not for now). I feel the knowledge I have aren't good enough right now for me to charge. Soon, I hope. Crossing my fingers. :-)
Now if the world will excuse me, I need to stay away from anything pink for a while.
I know this is bad, and I hope my best friend will forgive me for saying this... but I'm not responsible for the logo! I didn't make it, and I so achingly want to change it! I had a difficult time trying to have it fit in with the rest of the gang, but it's just acting too... yellow. Sigh. :-(
I know it's my job as a designer to somehow magically make everything fit in and look fantastic, but I don't have enough experience points in designing to acquire that skill yet. This is why I don't charge for the projects I do for people (at least not for now). I feel the knowledge I have aren't good enough right now for me to charge. Soon, I hope. Crossing my fingers. :-)
Now if the world will excuse me, I need to stay away from anything pink for a while.
Friday, September 09, 2005
A Heart-Shaped Bullet
I was on a high all evening. Yes, I admit. It was because after a long time, I'm going out on an EB again. And not just with anyone, but with someone I might possibly have considered thinking about becoming interested in too!
I knew enough not to think about it too much so as not to jinx it, but I wasn't able to keep myself from vibrating with excitement. I was as giddy as a twelve-year old boy who just discovered his penis. I even took my favorite shirt off of its holy place inside my months-long untouched closet and laid it out reverently just for the occasion. It smelled of Downy and old things and it did nothing to curb my excitement.
But, as high as my pulse was, at the back of my mind I knew that everything I was doing was just a strained effort, a futile attempt at preventing the inevitable. I knew that the evening was going to be an escalator to nowhere and I was already clawing my way back to the top.
Still. I was on a high and I wanted to hold on to it for all it was worth.
•••
And as the cosmos decreed, what I was expecting did happen.
He picked me up from my friend's house and then he gave me a ride home. That was it. Short and sweet and proper and cute as a button. He was pleasant throughout the ride, all the while trying to keep up the smallest of small talks.
I knew his mind was somewhere else. He could have been thinking of Europe for all I care, but the point was... maybe I was annoyed that I didn't even register. If he had a blog, I don't think I'd even qualify for a blog entry.
I caught his line of sight while he was talking and waiting for a stoplight to turn green, and I knew. At that moment, I knew all the clouds in my mind were dispelled. In that clarity, I knew that was it. This was going to be the last time our threads would cross. The universe had a heart-shaped bullet and it fired incessantly at me, exploding silently into the night.
My first rejection of the season. I'm back in the game. :-)
I knew enough not to think about it too much so as not to jinx it, but I wasn't able to keep myself from vibrating with excitement. I was as giddy as a twelve-year old boy who just discovered his penis. I even took my favorite shirt off of its holy place inside my months-long untouched closet and laid it out reverently just for the occasion. It smelled of Downy and old things and it did nothing to curb my excitement.
But, as high as my pulse was, at the back of my mind I knew that everything I was doing was just a strained effort, a futile attempt at preventing the inevitable. I knew that the evening was going to be an escalator to nowhere and I was already clawing my way back to the top.
Still. I was on a high and I wanted to hold on to it for all it was worth.
And as the cosmos decreed, what I was expecting did happen.
He picked me up from my friend's house and then he gave me a ride home. That was it. Short and sweet and proper and cute as a button. He was pleasant throughout the ride, all the while trying to keep up the smallest of small talks.
I knew his mind was somewhere else. He could have been thinking of Europe for all I care, but the point was... maybe I was annoyed that I didn't even register. If he had a blog, I don't think I'd even qualify for a blog entry.
I caught his line of sight while he was talking and waiting for a stoplight to turn green, and I knew. At that moment, I knew all the clouds in my mind were dispelled. In that clarity, I knew that was it. This was going to be the last time our threads would cross. The universe had a heart-shaped bullet and it fired incessantly at me, exploding silently into the night.
My first rejection of the season. I'm back in the game. :-)
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Put Your Feelings In A Blender
Yesterday was literally a doozy. Imagine zooming into hell and then suddenly being whiplashed into heaven. Exhilarating but very, very tiring.
I was at Divisoria the whole morning with Jade and Ly, looking for stuff Ly doesn't need. It was like one large Twilight Zone being there. The people minding the stores in Ylaya (sp?) were like androids being activated by infrared triggers on the floor. During their 'stand by' state, they're very similar to marionettes bent down and lifeless, but once you activate them, they come to life -- scary eyes and all -- saying, "Anong hanap nila?" (What are you looking for?) or "Bili na kayo dito!" (Buy here!) or "Braaaainsssss..." And once you step out of their activation zone, they suddenly keep quiet and revert to their stand by mode again. Creepy, no?
When Ly decided he has enough junk, we went to my place to watch -- tada! -- Sailor Moon Live Action! We were all dead tired, but we still managed to finish ten episodes. Again, it was insanely exhilarating and we were all high on otakuness right after, talking about the different aspects of the series, especially the attacks and the transformation sequences! I can't wait to download the next half! :D
After accompanying them to Buendia where they'll be taking a ride home, I collapsed onto my bed and tuned out right away. That was around 8 or 9 PM. I woke up at 10 this morning with a massive tubthumping in my head, failing to do some of my morning chores, and not having talked with some people I should have, but only one thing disturbed me the most...
clearly, jyoji-kun was miserable
without me last night.
I was at Divisoria the whole morning with Jade and Ly, looking for stuff Ly doesn't need. It was like one large Twilight Zone being there. The people minding the stores in Ylaya (sp?) were like androids being activated by infrared triggers on the floor. During their 'stand by' state, they're very similar to marionettes bent down and lifeless, but once you activate them, they come to life -- scary eyes and all -- saying, "Anong hanap nila?" (What are you looking for?) or "Bili na kayo dito!" (Buy here!) or "Braaaainsssss..." And once you step out of their activation zone, they suddenly keep quiet and revert to their stand by mode again. Creepy, no?
When Ly decided he has enough junk, we went to my place to watch -- tada! -- Sailor Moon Live Action! We were all dead tired, but we still managed to finish ten episodes. Again, it was insanely exhilarating and we were all high on otakuness right after, talking about the different aspects of the series, especially the attacks and the transformation sequences! I can't wait to download the next half! :D
After accompanying them to Buendia where they'll be taking a ride home, I collapsed onto my bed and tuned out right away. That was around 8 or 9 PM. I woke up at 10 this morning with a massive tubthumping in my head, failing to do some of my morning chores, and not having talked with some people I should have, but only one thing disturbed me the most...
clearly, jyoji-kun was miserable
without me last night.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
I Don't Think It's Funny At All
Whenever it rains real hard where I am, our house never fails to let us know about it. We hear the rain pelting down on the roof like the end of the world is just mere seconds away. I don't know the architectural explanation of it, but the sound is always especially loud and eerie in the bathroom.
So there I was, having my evening bath and trying hard not to mind the rain even if it was creeping me out a bit. Just imagine, I've lived in this house all my life but I still get scared. Either I'm really just a mass of nerves or the house is utterly scary.
Anyway, so I was taking a bath. I bent down to lather soap on my legs, but the moment I did, out of nowhere, I saw what seemed like black hands with long claws hovering in front of my face. I have no idea how in a single breath, one manages to gasp and to curse in crisp, solid Tagalog at the same time but in that moment of sheer panic, I was able to do it.
I whipped around in a split second frenzy to face my assailant, only, there was nothing but my reflection on the mirror -- pale and eerie. And the dawning, embarrassing realization that the hands were, actually, just a few stray strands of my limp, long, wet, and wavy hair.
I swear, I need a rebond.
So there I was, having my evening bath and trying hard not to mind the rain even if it was creeping me out a bit. Just imagine, I've lived in this house all my life but I still get scared. Either I'm really just a mass of nerves or the house is utterly scary.
Anyway, so I was taking a bath. I bent down to lather soap on my legs, but the moment I did, out of nowhere, I saw what seemed like black hands with long claws hovering in front of my face. I have no idea how in a single breath, one manages to gasp and to curse in crisp, solid Tagalog at the same time but in that moment of sheer panic, I was able to do it.
I whipped around in a split second frenzy to face my assailant, only, there was nothing but my reflection on the mirror -- pale and eerie. And the dawning, embarrassing realization that the hands were, actually, just a few stray strands of my limp, long, wet, and wavy hair.
I swear, I need a rebond.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Where All The News Is Heavenly
I usually see horoscopes as fun, adolescent pastimes. As a matter of fact, reading it used to be a habit of mine every morning during highschool since I was always the first one to grab the newspapers. I'd separate the Funnies right away, solve the day's crossword puzzle, and, since it was already on the same page, read my horoscope too.
The habit was halted during college when my schedule became variable and doing crossword puzzles became less and less exciting. It was only recently when I was randomly surfing links of links of links that I stumbled on my horoscope for this month.
And after reading what's in store for me this month... I'd say it isn't a bad start, ne? ;-)
The habit was halted during college when my schedule became variable and doing crossword puzzles became less and less exciting. It was only recently when I was randomly surfing links of links of links that I stumbled on my horoscope for this month.
"... Now let's turn to romance, where all the news is heavenly.
Your love life will reach peak levels when Venus moves through Scorpio from September 11 to October 7. Venus teaches the value of using magnetism to reel in love, so be charming, look your best, and of course, flirt.
Your first excellent night to enjoy love will be September 13, when you get invited to an event not to be missed. Dress up, dance - have fun!
If single, a fix-up that a friend will arrange for you over the weekend of September 18 could bring a date that causes your heart to race.
Attached? On September 18 be the one to fan the fires of love and you'll be thrilled with the way your partner responds. No matter what your status, passion and humor will be a winning mix.
Finally, circle Saturday night, September 24, and all day Sunday, September 25, for a romantic episode that will hit all the right notes. The moon will be in Cancer, so you'll be in the spotlight and things will tend to move in the direction you had hoped they would. ..."
-- From AstrologyZone, by Susan Miller
And after reading what's in store for me this month... I'd say it isn't a bad start, ne? ;-)
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Obsession Is The Mother Of All Madness
We are going to chalk it all up to simple lunacy.
Last night, I watched twenty five -- that's right, TWENTY-fucking-FIVE -- episodes of Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon in one fell swoop. Afterwhich, I felt what seemed like a huge mallet pummelling my head, but I was blissfully happy. I couldn't care less about the shithole I'm in right now because I'm all zonked out with images of, heaven forbid, cute Japanese girls in short skirts somersaulting all over the place. And YES, there's Chiba Mamoru (played by Shibue Jyoji) to top it all off. (Pun not intended. Sort of.)
sigh, mamo-chan... :*)
Ahem. We shall not speak of it again.
Last night, I watched twenty five -- that's right, TWENTY-fucking-FIVE -- episodes of Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon in one fell swoop. Afterwhich, I felt what seemed like a huge mallet pummelling my head, but I was blissfully happy. I couldn't care less about the shithole I'm in right now because I'm all zonked out with images of, heaven forbid, cute Japanese girls in short skirts somersaulting all over the place. And YES, there's Chiba Mamoru (played by Shibue Jyoji) to top it all off. (Pun not intended. Sort of.)
sigh, mamo-chan... :*)
Ahem. We shall not speak of it again.
Friday, August 26, 2005
Confessions of a Google Fanboy
I decided not to reformat lappy anymore. After a couple days' observation and seeing that whatever is incubated in lappy isn't going to do any more damage, reformatting can be put off at a more convenient time. I'm sort of relieved about it, and I hope lappy is too.
In more tech-related news, the foreboding advent of Windows Vista is scaring both me and lappy. Bad enough that I can't do much with a 1.3 GHz Pentium M processor, 30 GB hard drive, 256 MB RAM, and a dwindling 64 MB video card and STILL work with memory hogging programs like Adobe Photoshop CS2 and Macromedia Dreamweaver MX 2004 not to mention having hordes of (necessary) background processes running at the same time... and now Windows is out to draw more blood! Now that is just not right.
I believe that technological advancement should not exclude anyone and if possible, be more streamlined to do its job well, at the same time not sacrificing quality of service for aesthetics. Take Google for instance. The simple and neat-looking search engine doesn't have a lot of clutter, but it's one of the most powerful tools one can have on the Internet! The question "wherefore art thou" can now be answered, "Google."
And GMail. It has a titanic space of 2.5 GB and has a very simplified interface to work with. Sure there are advertisements on the side, but they are actually more helpful than obtrusive. Labels and Filters make it easier to organize mail too. And I don't know the technology behind it, but it loads fast, so time is definitely not wasted due to loading and broken links. Plus, the spam filter is quite powerful too.
Also just the other day, Google released the beta version of Google Talk, Google's IM client. It's all skin and bones right now, but it's very promising. Again, very simple and minimal without any other obtrusive features. Very convenient to work with and does not hog up system resources too much if at all.
I've also been a Firefox baby, using it since it was a wee zero-point-something version unzipping program. It has never been a disappointment ever since, and it's also the reason why I got interested with CSS, web design, and a tiny dabble with Web Standards. I can't wait until Firefox 1.5 is released.
For P2P, I use the original client for BitTorrent; and for IM, I use Miranda. Both are very simple and easy to use and most importantly, they don't strain lappy too much.
Sigh. I suppose it may seem pointless and all, since Microsoft has such a strong force when it comes to turning the tides of technology, and people have their own tastes anyway, but still. I don't claim to be such an expert on things like these, but I suppose I know enough. Maybe even more than most people who use and NEED the computer too, which is a bit sad. I guess maybe my point here is I care about lappy and everyone else who loves their own lappy. Whatever is best for us, I'm all for it. And I hope the lords of cyberspace understand that.
In more tech-related news, the foreboding advent of Windows Vista is scaring both me and lappy. Bad enough that I can't do much with a 1.3 GHz Pentium M processor, 30 GB hard drive, 256 MB RAM, and a dwindling 64 MB video card and STILL work with memory hogging programs like Adobe Photoshop CS2 and Macromedia Dreamweaver MX 2004 not to mention having hordes of (necessary) background processes running at the same time... and now Windows is out to draw more blood! Now that is just not right.
I believe that technological advancement should not exclude anyone and if possible, be more streamlined to do its job well, at the same time not sacrificing quality of service for aesthetics. Take Google for instance. The simple and neat-looking search engine doesn't have a lot of clutter, but it's one of the most powerful tools one can have on the Internet! The question "wherefore art thou" can now be answered, "Google."
And GMail. It has a titanic space of 2.5 GB and has a very simplified interface to work with. Sure there are advertisements on the side, but they are actually more helpful than obtrusive. Labels and Filters make it easier to organize mail too. And I don't know the technology behind it, but it loads fast, so time is definitely not wasted due to loading and broken links. Plus, the spam filter is quite powerful too.
Also just the other day, Google released the beta version of Google Talk, Google's IM client. It's all skin and bones right now, but it's very promising. Again, very simple and minimal without any other obtrusive features. Very convenient to work with and does not hog up system resources too much if at all.
I've also been a Firefox baby, using it since it was a wee zero-point-something version unzipping program. It has never been a disappointment ever since, and it's also the reason why I got interested with CSS, web design, and a tiny dabble with Web Standards. I can't wait until Firefox 1.5 is released.
For P2P, I use the original client for BitTorrent; and for IM, I use Miranda. Both are very simple and easy to use and most importantly, they don't strain lappy too much.
Sigh. I suppose it may seem pointless and all, since Microsoft has such a strong force when it comes to turning the tides of technology, and people have their own tastes anyway, but still. I don't claim to be such an expert on things like these, but I suppose I know enough. Maybe even more than most people who use and NEED the computer too, which is a bit sad. I guess maybe my point here is I care about lappy and everyone else who loves their own lappy. Whatever is best for us, I'm all for it. And I hope the lords of cyberspace understand that.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Lappy's Sick!
I'm not even sure if it's a virus, and if it's not, it's equally annoying.
- It generates an exe file in (almost) every folder in C: drive with the same name as the source folder (e.g. within Program Files folder, it has Program Files.exe; iTunes, itunes.exe).
- So if the program has the same name as the source folder, such as itunes.exe, I won't be able to run that program since the virus has overwritten it already.
- The file size is always 36 kb.
- It has a Microsoft Word icon, even if I don't have Microsoft Office installed.
- The My Documents folder doesn't seem to be affected, which is a good thing.
I've tried searching online for information, but I can't find any. I've tried every search keyword I can think of: virus, application, "new document", "microsoft word icon," 36 KB, etc. Still nothing.
I'm positively, absolutely sure that my antivirus software is updated as well as my Windows XP since I have scheduled maintenance enabled. I did a full scan but nothing was detected. I also tried using the online scanner in the Trend Micro website, but it didn't detect anything wrong either.
Also, I just reformatted and my computer has been working fine for around 24 hours until a few hours ago when iTunes wasn't opening anymore. It can't have been the websites I've been visiting since I've only visited regular ones like Yahoo, MSN, and different blogsites.
I also checked the other folders within C: and it seems it has gotten worse. I had to uninstall Winamp too, CoreFTP Lite, eMule, and LimeWire -- even if I hadn't run them yet after reinstalling them.
And then after a couple more hours of running around my hard drive, I found something odd when I checked msconfig. When my system starts up, it loads a file:
C:\Documents and Settings\[Profile]\Start Menu\Programs\Startup\startupfolder.com
Apparently, it creates a new Startup folder with the name Startup ' (yes with the apostrophe) and changes the attribute of the original Startup folder to Hidden.
I tried deleting the startupfolder.com file and deleting the Startup ' folder as well, and removing it from the startup items in msconfig, but when I rebooted the computer, it's still there!
Again, I Googled for solutions with new keywords, but still no results. This is driving me nuts! I don't want to have to reformat lappy again... :'(
- It generates an exe file in (almost) every folder in C: drive with the same name as the source folder (e.g. within Program Files folder, it has Program Files.exe; iTunes, itunes.exe).
- So if the program has the same name as the source folder, such as itunes.exe, I won't be able to run that program since the virus has overwritten it already.
- The file size is always 36 kb.
- It has a Microsoft Word icon, even if I don't have Microsoft Office installed.
- The My Documents folder doesn't seem to be affected, which is a good thing.
I've tried searching online for information, but I can't find any. I've tried every search keyword I can think of: virus, application, "new document", "microsoft word icon," 36 KB, etc. Still nothing.
I'm positively, absolutely sure that my antivirus software is updated as well as my Windows XP since I have scheduled maintenance enabled. I did a full scan but nothing was detected. I also tried using the online scanner in the Trend Micro website, but it didn't detect anything wrong either.
Also, I just reformatted and my computer has been working fine for around 24 hours until a few hours ago when iTunes wasn't opening anymore. It can't have been the websites I've been visiting since I've only visited regular ones like Yahoo, MSN, and different blogsites.
I also checked the other folders within C: and it seems it has gotten worse. I had to uninstall Winamp too, CoreFTP Lite, eMule, and LimeWire -- even if I hadn't run them yet after reinstalling them.
And then after a couple more hours of running around my hard drive, I found something odd when I checked msconfig. When my system starts up, it loads a file:
C:\Documents and Settings\[Profile]\Start Menu\Programs\Startup\startupfolder.com
Apparently, it creates a new Startup folder with the name Startup ' (yes with the apostrophe) and changes the attribute of the original Startup folder to Hidden.
I tried deleting the startupfolder.com file and deleting the Startup ' folder as well, and removing it from the startup items in msconfig, but when I rebooted the computer, it's still there!
Again, I Googled for solutions with new keywords, but still no results. This is driving me nuts! I don't want to have to reformat lappy again... :'(
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Slow Dances
Finally gotten around to reformatting lappy. Started at 1 this afternoon and up until now, I'm still installing programs and updates, as well as sorting through gigabytes and gigabytes of my backed up files.
I'm almost done tho. Just waiting for OpenOffice to finish downloading. It was mentioned in Digg.com and by a couple other friends. Said it's a nice alternative to Microsoft Office, so I decided to try it out. I hope it really is better and not as heavy on the memory. I wouldn't want lappy to suffer again just after being reborn.
Also, after having been living in the dark for a long time, I finally see the light! Yes, I have a nifty new lamp in my room and I like it! The ambience is so... emo. In a muted sort of way. So now, at almost 1 AM and with Damien Rice crooning softly in the background, I feel like such an impoverished and suffering young artist. The pretense is rushing in my blood like a drug, I love it!
Sigh. So peaceful, so quiet, so yellow. I think I'll dance slow with my pillow now.
I'm almost done tho. Just waiting for OpenOffice to finish downloading. It was mentioned in Digg.com and by a couple other friends. Said it's a nice alternative to Microsoft Office, so I decided to try it out. I hope it really is better and not as heavy on the memory. I wouldn't want lappy to suffer again just after being reborn.
Also, after having been living in the dark for a long time, I finally see the light! Yes, I have a nifty new lamp in my room and I like it! The ambience is so... emo. In a muted sort of way. So now, at almost 1 AM and with Damien Rice crooning softly in the background, I feel like such an impoverished and suffering young artist. The pretense is rushing in my blood like a drug, I love it!
Sigh. So peaceful, so quiet, so yellow. I think I'll dance slow with my pillow now.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Trying To Land This Aeroplane Without Crashing
I remember now why I have always felt dark lightning storms in my heart whenever I'm around you -- cold and eerie and undeniably depressing. I remember why I call you the harbinger of doom. I thought I have sworn that off when we went our separate ways in college and we don't see as much of each other anymore. But because of last night, every little bit of jagged, heavy, and incredibly rock-solid lonely memory of you is being regurgitated yet again.
Look, I don't exactly know why we became really close friends during highschool, but we are, and we still are. We have definitely gone through a lot together to bind our friendship strong enough and create a solid connection that could last for a long time, but... at what price?
I remember each time you were going through something which requires different levels of angstin' (read: all the time), we would always end up having long talks about it: analyzing every angle of the situation, stating every fact, noting every cirumstance, every detail, how inescapable every groove and corner the hole we were in... AND I WOULD LISTEN, and listen painstakingly, patiently, through every sordid second of it all. Each pause I would try to say something comforting, something other than "it's ok," or "everything will be fine," because we both know that it's really not true. I would say things that sound more real, facing what you have explained to me given the details you have laid out. I would try to at least be remotely helpful AND SAY SOMETHING, however STUPID or IDIOTIC, even if I know there's no fucking thing I can do other than listening because I WANT TO HELP YOU.
And because honestly... I want to help me too. You drag me down. Terribly. With the intense pull of your gloom and the gravity of your problems gripping powerfully like a black hole, I have always been bogged down. I wanted to help you so I can help myself too. Did I mind? I don't know. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't notice it at that time. What, with everything I was going through at the same time, maybe I was just riding the dark waves of depression with you. And I guess that's what made us stick together. The synchronicity of our emotional wavelengths. It was easier dealing with it when you're with someone as miserable as yourself, ne?
And maybe I didn't understand you enough as I thought I did. But could you blame me? I had my own problems to deal with. You know that. Still I tried to stick it with you, because of some unnameable, irrational force moving me. There are times when I would just want to give up and leave you to your own misery but I simply, ultimately, can't. I couldn't bear it. The connection was too strong already, the pain is unbearable however little force I exert when I try to wrench myself away from you, even if I wanted to so badly.
So I stuck. And I continued to be there, and listen, and grin and bear and chew swallow all you tell me about your sorry little life, which is about every bit as miserable as mine. I even thought I developed a sort of numbness to it after a while. Especially in college, when we don't get to meet as often and you made new friends to talk with, apparently people more resistant (or adaptable) to your negativity than I am. We both developed a sort of muted independence from each other. Which, I admit, I was sort of happy about. I was even looking forward to the rare times when we meet and catch up on things. I thought finally, our friendship has passed the baptism of fire during highschool and has evolved into a finer, polished, more mature dimension. I loved you during highschool, but I loved you EASIER and with a FIERCER CALM after that.
Thence last night. Last night was the latest episode in the recent series, Podi Set Me Up With His Friend Which Didn't End Very Well (Which I Thought It Will Because Everything About It Was So Idyllic, It's Impossible To Screw Up) And Hence I Am Hurting Once Again After Telling Myself That I Am Already Happy. Amidst bottles of SanMig Light and smoke and tarot card readings, you were moaning bereft of love and chance and contentment, and I was, as usual, listening and responding the way I am used to doing as we were before.
But then I could feel something was horribly wrong. I'm sure you felt it too. As you and I were talking, something very apparent, very obvious was amiss. I can't understand you anymore. Or, more exactly, I can't make myself be understood anymore. We both have completely different eyes now, and I'm not sure whether it's always been there all along or something really changed with either of us. If it's the former, then I apologize for having noticed it only now -- things could have been better otherwise; and if it's the latter, then it's probably me who has changed.
You snapped back at me, telling me that I'm always looking for solutions. That when you say something, I always seem to feel the need to respond. That you only need someone to listen. Well, this may be news for you, BUT THAT'S HOW YOU MADE ME BELIEVE YOU NEEDED ME. Ever since we've become close, I developed this habit of lining up the details of your situation and then trying to come up with something that can help you get through it. Don't expect to talk with me and not get a response, BECAUSE I'M NOT AN EMOTIONAL GARBAGE BAG! I'm a living, breathing human being, who is coincidentally also one of your closest friends and whatever you tell me you're going through, I AM BOUND TO BE AFFECTED BY IT, NO MATTER HOW LITTLE IT IS, HENCE THE OVERWHELMING NEED TO HELP YOU OUT OF IT.
Do you know what I'm saying? Again, YOU DRAG ME DOWN. And I'm trying to help you because selfish as it may sound: I DON'T WANT TO BE PULLED DOWN WITH YOU. Not anymore. That's why I help you. I may not always understand you, but at least I'm trying to get us out of whatever shit we're in. The least you can do is exert some effort by helping me pull you up for fuck's sake. If you want to stay, just say so and I'll shut up and leave you alone. I may not like my life enough to live it, but at least I'm miserable because of my own reasons and in my own way and not affecting someone else.
I don't care anymore if this is still considered LOVE or just some cheap and selfish imitation thereof. I also don't care if this is still FRIENDSHIP or if it has already (inevitably, irrevocably, and inexorably) warped to something more twisted. I just want to help you because the ties that bind us make me miserable when you are. AND IF I'M GOING TO BE MISERABLE, IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF ME, AND NOT BECAUSE OF YOU.
PS: How dare you claim that you understand me completely. You don't. You may be smarter than me, and I acknowledge that, but to say or do things that are close to being condescending just to point out your side? I won't stand for it.
Look, I don't exactly know why we became really close friends during highschool, but we are, and we still are. We have definitely gone through a lot together to bind our friendship strong enough and create a solid connection that could last for a long time, but... at what price?
I remember each time you were going through something which requires different levels of angstin' (read: all the time), we would always end up having long talks about it: analyzing every angle of the situation, stating every fact, noting every cirumstance, every detail, how inescapable every groove and corner the hole we were in... AND I WOULD LISTEN, and listen painstakingly, patiently, through every sordid second of it all. Each pause I would try to say something comforting, something other than "it's ok," or "everything will be fine," because we both know that it's really not true. I would say things that sound more real, facing what you have explained to me given the details you have laid out. I would try to at least be remotely helpful AND SAY SOMETHING, however STUPID or IDIOTIC, even if I know there's no fucking thing I can do other than listening because I WANT TO HELP YOU.
And because honestly... I want to help me too. You drag me down. Terribly. With the intense pull of your gloom and the gravity of your problems gripping powerfully like a black hole, I have always been bogged down. I wanted to help you so I can help myself too. Did I mind? I don't know. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't notice it at that time. What, with everything I was going through at the same time, maybe I was just riding the dark waves of depression with you. And I guess that's what made us stick together. The synchronicity of our emotional wavelengths. It was easier dealing with it when you're with someone as miserable as yourself, ne?
And maybe I didn't understand you enough as I thought I did. But could you blame me? I had my own problems to deal with. You know that. Still I tried to stick it with you, because of some unnameable, irrational force moving me. There are times when I would just want to give up and leave you to your own misery but I simply, ultimately, can't. I couldn't bear it. The connection was too strong already, the pain is unbearable however little force I exert when I try to wrench myself away from you, even if I wanted to so badly.
So I stuck. And I continued to be there, and listen, and grin and bear and chew swallow all you tell me about your sorry little life, which is about every bit as miserable as mine. I even thought I developed a sort of numbness to it after a while. Especially in college, when we don't get to meet as often and you made new friends to talk with, apparently people more resistant (or adaptable) to your negativity than I am. We both developed a sort of muted independence from each other. Which, I admit, I was sort of happy about. I was even looking forward to the rare times when we meet and catch up on things. I thought finally, our friendship has passed the baptism of fire during highschool and has evolved into a finer, polished, more mature dimension. I loved you during highschool, but I loved you EASIER and with a FIERCER CALM after that.
Thence last night. Last night was the latest episode in the recent series, Podi Set Me Up With His Friend Which Didn't End Very Well (Which I Thought It Will Because Everything About It Was So Idyllic, It's Impossible To Screw Up) And Hence I Am Hurting Once Again After Telling Myself That I Am Already Happy. Amidst bottles of SanMig Light and smoke and tarot card readings, you were moaning bereft of love and chance and contentment, and I was, as usual, listening and responding the way I am used to doing as we were before.
But then I could feel something was horribly wrong. I'm sure you felt it too. As you and I were talking, something very apparent, very obvious was amiss. I can't understand you anymore. Or, more exactly, I can't make myself be understood anymore. We both have completely different eyes now, and I'm not sure whether it's always been there all along or something really changed with either of us. If it's the former, then I apologize for having noticed it only now -- things could have been better otherwise; and if it's the latter, then it's probably me who has changed.
You snapped back at me, telling me that I'm always looking for solutions. That when you say something, I always seem to feel the need to respond. That you only need someone to listen. Well, this may be news for you, BUT THAT'S HOW YOU MADE ME BELIEVE YOU NEEDED ME. Ever since we've become close, I developed this habit of lining up the details of your situation and then trying to come up with something that can help you get through it. Don't expect to talk with me and not get a response, BECAUSE I'M NOT AN EMOTIONAL GARBAGE BAG! I'm a living, breathing human being, who is coincidentally also one of your closest friends and whatever you tell me you're going through, I AM BOUND TO BE AFFECTED BY IT, NO MATTER HOW LITTLE IT IS, HENCE THE OVERWHELMING NEED TO HELP YOU OUT OF IT.
Do you know what I'm saying? Again, YOU DRAG ME DOWN. And I'm trying to help you because selfish as it may sound: I DON'T WANT TO BE PULLED DOWN WITH YOU. Not anymore. That's why I help you. I may not always understand you, but at least I'm trying to get us out of whatever shit we're in. The least you can do is exert some effort by helping me pull you up for fuck's sake. If you want to stay, just say so and I'll shut up and leave you alone. I may not like my life enough to live it, but at least I'm miserable because of my own reasons and in my own way and not affecting someone else.
I don't care anymore if this is still considered LOVE or just some cheap and selfish imitation thereof. I also don't care if this is still FRIENDSHIP or if it has already (inevitably, irrevocably, and inexorably) warped to something more twisted. I just want to help you because the ties that bind us make me miserable when you are. AND IF I'M GOING TO BE MISERABLE, IT WILL BE BECAUSE OF ME, AND NOT BECAUSE OF YOU.
PS: How dare you claim that you understand me completely. You don't. You may be smarter than me, and I acknowledge that, but to say or do things that are close to being condescending just to point out your side? I won't stand for it.