This Isn't The End After All

Considering how my year started (which involves two bottles of red wine working its magic into two nubile and strapping young men :P), 2004 turned out to be quite ok. Although three-quarters of it was spent floating from pseudo-job to pseudo job, half of it learning a different kind of love, and a quarter of it learning to fend for myself... the whole year wasn't such a waste of time for me, as others would say it was.

So OK, I wasn't able to do a lot of things I was planning on doing. What I am right now isn't the person I had in mind when the year started. But who said life was easy right? Who said things always turn out the way we plan they would? Sure I'm happy-go-lucky when it comes to making decisions, thinking about the future. But hey, that's what I learned from living 22 years amongst such a motley mix of people.

I've learned a lot of things. I don't even know where to begin, or even to make sense of what I have learned so far. It seems like everything is just illusion. Nothing is permanent. Reality is a joke, and not in a bad way. Time doesn't hold back and you shouldn't too. It's OK to be afraid, because you'd know what to do once you're there. In the end it all boils down to you. Jump into the fire. What other people think don't matter at all. You should hear the cacophony going on in my head right now. It's ecstatic, it's unreal, I LOVE IT!

It's a shame saying goodbye to the previous year. It was like getting to know a new friend, and then having a hell lot of fun one Saturday night under the rain, and then saying goodbye to that new friend before dawn. It seems like it wasn't enough, but at the same time you know it's time to say goodbye.

Ah basta... what matters is we learned. That's the whole point of existing anyway. That we learn and grow -- for good or bad, right or wrong, heaven or hell.

oOo

It's not all about me of course. There are a lot of people I'm grateful for, for helping me pick up different pieces of myself I tend to leave lying around carelessly, even if I didn't ask them to.

First there's You... Who is so very much like me in so many ways. We're both always in love, and I guess that's what makes us great friends. Stay in love, and nothing can go wrong.

oOo

Then You, who always seems so lonely. You know, you're the strongest person I know. You even scare me, to a point. Not that it's a bad thing, but you know what I mean. I'd hate the thought of losing you.

oOo

You, who is so timid. Again, so very much like me. Only, you're the side of me I choose not to show very much to people. Only when I'm alone. And are you alone? No you're not. You're very happy, and I am as well, knowing that you are.

oOo

And You... I'm so very sorry I forgot. And I know how sensitive You are. I think about You a lot...

oOo

You, who is so very far away. You are always remembered, your smile, your temperance, and the way you make us all feel like we're normal human beings.

oOo

Then there's You, who I learned so much from. I owe a lot to you. I'm glad that you're happy. Right now, I know you're feeling a bit like you're still not quite sure where your dreams lie, but I know with your fire, with your passion, you are going to get there. I love you.

oOo

Then You, who is quite new to my life. You've been a mature side of me, and I am grateful for your perspective. You give me hope that there are several more years for me to look forward to.

oOo

And You, who is so very beautiful. We have the same dream -- that is, to teach. To show the world that there is more than what one sees, more than what one hears, and more than what one feels. It is such a mystery to the world... but not to us.

oOo

And then You, who loved me. I didn't know it at first. I didn't recognize its face. But you did, and I realized it a bit late. But I'm grateful just the same. You taught me a lot of things. I hope I did so to you as well.

oOo

You, as well. You can be more complex than I am. I do not know how I would feel about You, but right now, it's enough knowing that there's someone I know who share the same labyrinthine heart. Always, I am in awe.

oOo

And to the cosmos, I am grateful. I doubt a lot of times, I am afraid a lot of times, but in the little moments when you kill me, you lift me up each time a notch higher than I was before. I am afraid now, now that things are on the edge once again, where the world is born once again... but I know this is going to pass, and at the time when it does, when everything comes undone, when things don't seem to make sense the most... WE'RE GOING TO WIN IT!

oOo

"If crimson stained my face
And blue shadowed my gaze
I know the end is near
And I shalt not fear."

----------
AFTERTHOUGHT: To the souls which were claimed by the great tsunami a few days ago... Eternal rest and boundless love go out from us to you. If anyone else, it is you who have taught us the most. You will all be remembered. We shall all see each other soon brothers and sisters.

Permanence

A college friend who's taking up post graduate studies in China is spending his Christmas vacation here, and told us he might be staying in China for good. And another friend is being considered for termination from work. And still another friend mentioned her intentions of resigning. The other day I looked up the word 'permanence' on Google. I wasn't convinced.

If there's one thing that makes me afraid, it's the absolute uncertainty of things. Right now, things could be going well, but it could change any minute, any second. One might get a txt or a phone call or an email bringing a news which could change one's life either for better or for worse.

I know we shouldn't stress ourselves thinking of things we don't have control about. That we should focus more on what's happening at the present... but I guess it's just my nature to worry. THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE. That's a fact. True, we're going to lose a lot of things, and true, we're going to win a lot of things back. But right now... I can't be sure if what I have right now are worth losing...

So You, I think you'd do better in China.

And You, please treat this as a learning experience.

And You, give work a chance, please?

And You, hurry up. I'm gettin' cold.

Christmas Gift To The Blogosphere

I just realized I have six Gmail invites. If anyone wants one, give three reasons why I should send an invite your way, and your email address in case I decide to give. :P

Christmas Recap

Christmas was ok. I tried to get into the spirit but I just wasn't feeling any holiday tingle at all. First of all it was tiring from all the shopping that needed to be done, and then it became a bit, well, pointless since we had work anyways. (I didn't, since Saturday happened to be one of my rest days, but still. I empathize with my colleagues.)

First half of Saturday I was tuned in to Animax, watching the Card Captor Sakura marathon. I wouldn't have it any other way, but some officemates txted me and asked if I wanted to go with them and watch one of the Metro Manila Filmfest entries in the evening, after their shift. Suddenly feeling like a loser for wanting to stay at home, I said sure and we agreed to watch Mano Po 3. I would rather have watched Aishite Imasu (since Judy Ann was in it -- quit snickering), but I guess majority wins. I didn't mind that much, since Vilma Santos was in Mano Po.

So anyway, I met up with them around 7:30, and headed to the theaters to catch the 8PM screening of the movie. Apart from the funny smells inside the theater and not remembering any scenes na meron talagang nag-mano, I liked the movie.

Thinking about it, it wasn't that much different from it's predecessors (not only because of the theme, but also because of the excess amounts of EyeMo-supplemented scenes), but somehow, because it was more focused on one character, this movie had more coherence and a clearer perspective in it. I felt like I really understood how Vilma Santos' character, Lilia, was feeling and all the personal hell she was going through. Especially during the scenes when her kids started to get a bit iffy at her, I wanted to kick them in the gut and tell them, "You don't know your mother at all!"

It made me think how much people can be misunderstood. Or no matter how long we have already known someone, or how confident we can say that we truly understand someone, the sad truth is we really do not. Heck, we have so much trouble understanding ourselves, how much more understanding other people, right? How arrogant we must be telling other people we understand what they're going through. The closest we can come to understanding someone is maybe to hear them out and empathize. But what they're actually going through -- it's next to impossible.

In the movie, I admire Lilia very much because no matter how much negativity, no matter how much loathing she was getting from people around her, she kept resilient. She kept silent. Not because she accepted their accusations, but because she truly understood what they were feeling. She knew their accusations were valid, with the one glitch of not knowing what she went through in her past. She wasn't selfish as to deny them their feelings. If there were anyone who should be called selfish, it was the people accusing Lilia because they didn't even bother trying to understand Lilia's side. I don't think it even crossed their minds that Lilia had to be heard. But Lilia stayed silent, and understood.

I hope most people can try to keep quiet even for a few moments and try to understand, instead of complaining all the time.

This Christmas wasn't such a complete waste after all. :)

It's Beginning Feel A Lot Like Err...

Guess Who's Back

What better way to reconfigure myself than with a new half-baked layout? I can be such an impatient little brat.

Or more accurately, I AM an impatient little brat. I'm just good at hiding it most of the times. Am I proud of it? It gets me places, yeah. And it's good backbone.

But in the brownie points department, nothing beats good ol' genuine sincerity. It's harder to pull off too.

Anyway, enough of that. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I guess that's just the way things go after getting my hair... OOPS! I'm not supposed to say anything yet. (Sheepish.) :P

What Would Podi Do?

"Dear Terrance,

"I love you muchly. You've been nothing but open hearted and emotionally available and supportive and nurturing and consummately there for me.

"I kept drawing you in and pushing you away. I remember how beautiful it was to fall asleep on your couch and cry in front of you for the first time.

"You were the best platform from which to jump beyond myself... But what's wrong with me?"

-- Alanis Morissette, Unsent

Image courtesy of smashmethod.

Sigh. So... what do I do now?

A Sestina Of Parting

This is my first sestina (a verse form in which the last word of each of the first six lines repeat in ever-changing sequence over the next verses and in one three-line endpiece). And this is written for... oh, you know who you are. You left as subtly as you came in. I will forever be grateful to you for making known to me your... SUBLIME brand of love.

--

It didn't come as a surprise, I must admit.
And it wasn't absolutely unexpected.
But please know that I was not totally deaf,
I was not totally unfeeling, and I indeed felt
the call of love though it was somehow foreign,
the love you brought. But I welcomed it, without a doubt.

I recall the feel of water, the dark looks of doubt.
But I swam none the less, though I did not admit
I longed for something else -- stronger, a power foreign,
a surprise, a cliff, or something unexpected --
which as it always did, render me frozen as I felt
it would; produce a blitzkrieg so loud leaving me deaf.

And you came in differently, you were not so deaf
as I thought you would be, which was a fatal doubt.
And you came in as subtle as white silk as I felt --
which was a little too much, and, I cannot admit,
also a little too less. It was unexpected
but I somehow appreciated the foreign

way you made yourself known in my heart -- a foreign
culture as a whole in which I thought I was deaf
to. And sometimes you would do something unexpected,
something so different that soon all traces of doubt
in me would vanish completely, making me admit
to myself that after a long time, I indeed felt

love. And I had strayed into a dream, and I felt
I was asleep, as peaceful in you, not so foreign
as you were before. Still I was unable to admit
that I longed to wake up. And the universe was deaf
but I did not mind, and I, devoid of any doubt,
continued my slumber with you, as unexpected.

Sometimes we wake up, absolutely unexpected.
Sometimes dreams fade in the morning half-light, as we felt
all the shadows return in contrast to all the doubt;
when light plays illusions without you feeling foreign.
And grateful for the dream, I revert to being deaf.
Don't get me wrong because I loved you, I can admit.

There was neither doubt, nor was there pain unexpected.
And I admit I loved you and happiness was what I felt.
But your love's forever foreign, and I forever deaf.

The Keyboard Is My Best Friend

OK, now I know why I'm on email. I st-st-st-stutter a lot. Especially if I'm conscious that I don't know what I'm talking about -- which is all the time. The keyboard is my best friend. Wheee.

In other news...

Chi, the beautiful flowerhorn Harold and I are taking care of, passed away last night... Let us take a moment. :'(




-----
AFTERTHOUGHT: I'm wearing pink today. I'm just saying.

Turn Back Time

Life is so delicate. I have twenty minutes more before I'm off from work, but I'm thinking if I should download another batch of emails or not. Depending on one little decision I make, I could affect a lot of lives, not only mine.

- The other reps who are supposed to answer those emails.
- The sender of the emails, because each agent naturally has a different answer.
- The people I might be interacting with after work.
- A million others.

Overwhelming. And it gives each of us power over a lot of things.




-----
AFTERTHOUGHT: Remember the movie Sliding Doors? Or the morbid Butterfly Effect? I strongly believe in what both of those movies imply.

AFTER-AFTERTHOUGHT: Well whaddaya know. My shift's about to end. I didn't get to download that batch of emails after all. :)

End-Of-Year Paranoia

I had an epiphany-ish experience just a few moments ago.

With all the hype about reality shows going on, it's not an entire impossibility that the world could lead to something happening on this island.

Hold me, please.

A Mass Of Dots

I was supposed to sleep. But once again, making a conscious decision alarms the universe to do a 180 on me, so it decides to keep me awake. Knowing better than to fight it, I looked for something to do instead. I was sorting through the junk I sleep with on my bed, and I saw beneath the books and CD's (which I have yet to return to their rightful ownners) this DVD I got a few weeks before, which I haven't had the chance of seeing yet.

Latter Days. It's about a typical LA gay boy, Christian, and a Mormon missionary, Aaron, and their young-hearts-run-free romance.

There's no denying there were a lot of scenes which I had to bite my pillow just to keep myself from crying. (Heh. Funny that.) I guess I just have to capitalize and punctuate the experience by saying, "it moved me," and I could watch it again on a Saturday night with chocolate ice cream or blueberry cheesecake, but definitely not by myself.




-----
AFTERTHOUGHT: I liked how Aaron thought about life. He compared it to the old Sunday comics, when they were still colored using lots of dots put together. He said sometimes, he would look at the pictures closely, and all he could see were dots. And life could be like that, looking like a mass of dots and nothing makes sense. But when we pull back, we realize that everything is connected. And it's beautiful. And it's funny. And it's good.

I Hear Voices

I can't focus! Bad idea going to the office three hours early. I have been inadvertently riding the sine wave of this storm, I can't stand it! I feel so restless... Heaven help me what I am capable of when I get restless.

Goshdarnit I might as well start on my emails.

As If We Need Reminding

I woke up around 10AM, skipped lunch and went online. I was hoping to get my QA Evaluation, but it wasn't on my mail yet. Instead, I got to talk with the person in charge of a multimedia-related project I'm supposed to be in, and he said he needed results tomorrow already. I got a bit worried, since I really haven't been thinking about the project much. I have to talk with my partner tomorrow about it.

So mid-afternoon I was still online. So far, I've consumed three bags of potato chips and downed three bottles of Mountain Dew. This may sound anti-climactic, but as I was watching Fancy Lala (I know right, what a title), I remembered what it was like to be a kid, and what type of things a kid thinks about. How idealistic a kid can be.

And thinking we really don't change as much when we grow up. It will always be in our core -- that the world can be a better place. We just get... warped. And we stray a little. But our ideals rotate on that.

Anyway, the character I like most in Fancy Lala is Komi, Lala's gay hairdresser. It's almost like he's Lala's spiritual advisor, always the only one making sense when Lala needs to comb through her life... not to mention her hair. He taught Lala that she will always have a little kid inside her, no matter how much of a grown up she thinks she is.

As if we always need reminding, ne?


-----
A sweet afterthought: Chisa, Miho's big sister, was sort of dating this guy, Imaichi, from her school. Ika nga sa mga pinoy, "parang sila, pero hindi." Anyway, the ambiguity was getting to her so she tried dating another guy, Mario.

Now, Mario is being a really great guy and all. He invited Chisa out for a movie, concert, and dinner together. All in all, it was almost perfect. But Chisa seemed really preoccupied -- having a lot on her mind thanks to Miho reminding her of her relationship with Imaichi.

So anyway, in the end, her feelings for Imaichi prevailed. And when they were both walking home under the rain, separate umbrellas and all, Chisa (somewhat reluctantly) invited the guy out for the movie she's already seen with Mario. "I thought you already watched it with Mario," Imaichi said. "And you even cried at the ending, you told me."

Chisa looked up, and let go of her umbrella. She whispered, "But I want to watch it with you..." She looked at Imaichi, and it seems like she's about to cry. She let go of her umbrella and jumped to hug Imaichi. "I want you to be beside me when I cry..."

Group Hug

Because it's healthy, that's why.

The E-Word

Last night before falling asleep, I had one thought in my mind: QA Evaluation. Yup, my QA Evaluation will hit me hard Wednesday morning. So that was what I was thinking about -- to wake up early, check my email, and pray to the cosmos I pass.

It wasn't a big deal for me before, really. But it got to me somehow. After surviving seven QA Evaluations (and passing all of them too), the pressure kinda builds up for one not to fail. Because what would happen if you suddenly fail? Imagine passing all of your evaluations and then you suddenly miss a step? Pressure, baby.

The same reason why I'm very uncomfortable being recognized. People EXPECT things. And what would happen if I suddenly didn't reach their expectations? Disappointment. Not them being disappointed in me, no, I can handle that. It's the disappointment of me letting them down. Their belief in me should have been enough to tell me I can do it. Instead I fell short. Not a good feeling.

So in the office as much as possible I keep quiet. It may seem very aloof to some (ok, most) people but really, I prefer things to be that way. I don't want people recognizing how great and wonderful I am (naks) because then they'd always expect me to be great and wonderful -- which I am not. Not all the time. :P

Evil little things, aren't they? Expectations. Standards. I find the words arrogant and selfish. It's like saying I deserve the things I desire. (I might be biting my foot here, but I apologize -- this is my journal after all.) For me, the words deserve and desire are worlds apart. I firmly believe in "One gets what one deserves, not what one desires."

This would mean (for me) that expectations and standards are mere illusions. They're just words. Words made up to comfort people who need something to hold on to, to keep them sane. To make them feel better about themselves. To tell them I am in control of my life, I know what I want and I'm going to get it.

OK, I have nothing against those people. If it works for them then fine. It's their life and their sanity after all. And ideally, it's a positive way of thinking about things anyway, so what's wrong with that right? That kind of thinking just doesn't work for me is all. Tsk. Arrogant.

What gets to me is when they impose what they believe in me. When they say, "I expect you to..." or "My standards for liking you are..." it's enough for me to balefully glare at them with a coldness worthy of a spot in the polar ice caps and walk away. I know my own personality goddamnit all to hell. BUT I also accept that it's part of living -- interacting with people of different principles -- and one has to learn to compromise after all. (So in this life, I have become best friends with the word COMPROMISE.)

A couple of friends told me that, "once and for all, I'm setting my standards high." And I was biting my tongue, telling myself not to pick a fight. Let them pursue their personal happiness the way they want to. They'll learn things when the time comes.

Not to say that I've learned my lesson. I admit I still have to learn a lot. And what I say here are not absolute truths of the universe. (Journals do have a way of evaporating arrogance, selfishness, and egocentricity.) This is just my brain talking... and I EXPECT it to talk like this.




-----
AFTERTHOUGHT: I just checked my mail and yay, I passed! This calls for a celebration. Blueberry cheesecake later with hot chocolate! :)

What The Cosmos Wants

I miss writing a hell lot. I have a google of unfinished stories and trailing lines and words from months before all sitting in my hard drive. (I say sitting because I can't think of any other word which might describe what they're doing other than sitting -- because I think they're not just sitting.)

I need to read more if I want to write better. The book I bought last Sunday? I haven't started reading it yet. I can't seem to take it out of my bag. Whenever I open my bag, it's to take out my mug for coffee. I see the book inside, consider taking it out and reading a few pages, and end up taking out the mug instead.

I'm not sure if it's because of work, or if it's because of some unknown complex mechanism in my brain which I'm still trying to figure out... but I don't know. I guess I'm just saying.

Heh. I remember the times whenever I'm doing schoolwork, I'd always do them at the last minute -- the night before the deadline. All night through early morning I'd be complaining to everyone I can talk with online and on the phone how pressured I am and how ideas won't come into my head. And when 3AM or 4AM hits, everything would just fall into place and I'd be able to produce a whole magazine or novelette in a span of a few hours.

Right now, day off from work I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things. But maybe one day is not enough for me to get my brain to start working the way I want it to. Heck, it took me YEARS to make up my mind and apply for a paying job. I wonder how long it would take to get me to start writing again. Or drawing again.

Paulo Coelho said if we want something, the universe will conspire to give it to us. But the moment I start believing that, I lose sight over what I really want. It's confusing. I know I want to write and draw again. But right now those things are further from the path that the universe is showing me. Do I trust it?

Do I have a choice? Seriously...

Killing Time And Other Stories

So. I'm waaaay too early to be here in the office. The floor's eerily quiet. I've finished setting up my tools and there's nothing left more to do but wait for 1AM to hit.

Meanwhile, I wonder what should I do. Hmm. I could draw. Yeah that would be nice. I have a new pen. I could draw with a pen again. It's been a long time since I drew with a pen. Yeah, I can do that.

OR. I can read. Yeah, that's a good idea. I got this book today, I mean, yesterday. Smoke and Mirrors by Neil Gaiman. Funny because Friday night, a friend's boyf brought his copy with him. He said he got it from Singapore or Hongkong or somewhere else. Before that, I haven't seen a copy of the damned book since about over a year ago in Bibliarch. I was not able to buy it then because I was still a poor and penniless college student. Now I'm a money-grubbing bastard, and I can buy whatever book I want seconds after seeing it on display at Sketch Books. Amazing how the universe conspires to bring you what you want.

So anyway, what else can I do? Right, well, I guess I can blog. So what about? I wonder...

Oh my, look at the time. 12:35AM. Enough of life's trivialities. Another week of answering emails from Americans in distress over the dragon that is technology awaits.

Lucid Interval

Reverted to old layout. Still too hungover to think about anything else. Going back to sleep in three... two... *thud*

This Isn't Quite Right

OK. New layout... Tested on Mozilla Firefox, works fine. Seen on Internet Explorer... not really pleasing to the eyes. I'm not sure why tho. Sigh. Will try to find a workaround over the weekend. If not, I might put in a script blocking IE users.

That's how much I love Firefox. :D

Oh Yeah

... and I won't deny the fact that ever since I started doing emails, I have been writing like chicken shit on my blog. Argh. My muse got fed up with techno-blabbing and templates, and has left me to fend for myself. My entries are now reduced to negative-mediocrity. I would gag, but I forgot how to write about it in humorous, somewhat sardonic detail. Pfeh.

Also, I am terribly missing Neverwinter, casting spells, and smashing golems.

I kinda want my old life back. But I'm not complaining. I guess. Somewhat.

...

OK, I'm going try and sleep now. Um. Good night.

Me On Sugar High

So at last the week is over for me! I have tomorrow until Sunday afternoon off. Wow, it feels so good to have a three-day weekend ahead of you again. I don't want to think about starting 1AM Monday with work right now. Nope, not right now. Right now, I just want to think about sleeping late, waking up late, and working on my new layout.

Nope, I won't stress myself out thinking of things which would usually make me worry. I won't think about people who just wear me out thinking about them.

I'm just going to think about myself and my new layout. I need it for therapy. I need it to wake up some creative juices which might have gone dormant. I need it to see color before my eyes again, and not just a bunch of words from people from across the globe asking for technical help.

I need to know I still know how to work with Photoshop, I still know how to create layouts, I need to know if I can still draw. I need to know if I'm still my old self.

I need to know whether I've gone soft, I've gone sane, or if I've gone nuttier than ever before.

I need to know I still like myself. :)

See, that's what's great about journals. One can overuse the word "I" and not worry about being called conceited. Because what else can one talk about, right? I've never been used to talking about myself in the real world (the real world -- wtf?).

I'm always interested in talking about the person I'm with, or other things. During the times I do talk about myself, I still try to ask the other person about his or her perspective. I don't like that feeling of monopolizing the conversation. I always get the feeling that the other person is thinking "I couldn't care less." I'm sure they don't but I still don't want to take the chance. :P

So that's why I like my blog. I can talk about myself aaaaaaallllll I want. And right now it needs a good overhaul. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I finish it over the weekend. :)

(And possibly get rid of this excessive good feeling. I don't want to overuse my stock and run out of good feelings for the next few weeks.)

The World Needs A Good Crying

A few songs make me weepy. Among them are Billy Gilman's Oklahoma, and this one also by Billy Gilman -- Elisabeth. It's about a girl who won't live very long because of a disease she was born with, but still manages to touch people around her.

"It makes me wonder how life can give someone so much and take so much away..."

So sad, so true. I've gotten to know a lot of people who have so much in life materially speaking, but when it comes to what really counts, they don't have very much to speak of. Granted, they may be really intelligent or really rich or really good-looking but when HUMANITY is already on the line, they can't even come close to having a tinge of it. Conversely, the people I know who do have hearts are being pushed away. Unfortunately in our world nobody cares much about that organ.

"She believes there's always hope, and that's all she really has."

As opposed to most of us who have a lot, who have our whole lives ahead of us, there are some people in the world who are only hooking their sanity to hope.

"And when she cries, she cries in silence. But never for herself, she cries for everybody else..."

Being selfless like this is so unreal. Right now though, because of things like this one and this one happening, a lot of people can't help crying.

Once Upon A Pushover

Oh my, I feel horrible. I slept when I got home this afternoon and did not wake up until around 10. When I did, I had this odd taste in my mouth and I knew the day (or night) does not bode well. I tried to stand up and I was hearing this sound like tribal drums in my ear. It felt like I was preparing for war.

War would have to wait until I finish taking a bath -- which wasn't such an easy feat to accomplish itself. While taking a dump and waiting for my water to heat up, I was thinking of my insane work scedule. Starting Sunday, my schedule will be back to 7AM again for one week. Someone from work swapped schedules with me temporarily because her sister is getting married next week. How could I refuse? Besides, she's a very nice person, and I'll be working nine hours only so it won't be too stressful.

Sigh. Why does it sound like I'm justifying myself? OK, I admit... I've always been a pushover. I'm the Yes-Guy. The Why Not Guy. The Guy You Can Ask A Favor From And He Wouldn't Complain At Least Not To Your Face Guy. Ella Enchanted should have been Podi Enchanted.

I hate it. I've always hated it. I know I'd always end up in the losing end but I'd just shrug it off. I'd think I don't have any reasons to decline anyway. At least, not at the moment. Say for example, last week, a friend borrowed money from me. I was like all uh-oh inside. I never liked the idea of borrowing money. For me, I'd rather give the money altogether than keep a tab. But anyway, I thought to myself, I don't have any reasons to decline anyway. Sure, I have my money budgeted for the next two weeks already but I can still get by if I part with some of it. So OK, I lent money to that friend.

Here's the catch though. Since I don't like the idea of borrowing money, my mind was already programmed that I'm already giving that to my friend. That I won't see it again. I feel bad, but hey it's a friend. And he asked nicely. And I can get by without it.

At least that's what I thought.

Right now my budget is all messed up. Why? Because when I got home the other day, my mother borrowed money from me. How could I refuse? So I have nothing to budget anymore. Problem solved.

Argh. I hate being such a pushover. I promise I won't interact with anyone that much anymore. I will keep quiet. I will just sit and listen to iPod and pretend I'm not hearing people in the office. Good luck talking to me.

On Being Almost Sane

Right now, the only thing keeping me sane in the waking world is work. Other than that, things have been really blurry and, like my hair, very unmanageable. When I'm at work, things are halfway sane. I still have a picture of what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to do things. But the moment I step out of the building, it feels like someone flicks off the light switch and says good night, sweet dreams.

But the dreams I have are anything but sweet. In this cookie-cutter world we live in now, it's hard to tell when you're dreaming or when you're awake. Or, relatively, what people want to believe is real or is a dream.

What I want to believe is that I am normal. What is real however, is I am not. Not that it's such a bad thing... but sometimes it's difficult dealing with things when you think differently from other people.

For instance, what I do at work. People email us asking for solutions to their computer problems. What we do is give them ready-made templates, add a little of this, erase some of that to make it look more personalized and voila! Email sent, problem solved. Normal people are like that. With every problem they encounter, they have a ready-made answer in their core, just needing a little modification according to their personality. They already know what to do, even if they don't have the answer at the first go, at least they know where they should be going.

But people like me... we can't settle for ordinary ways of dealing with things. The moment we take them in, we have to chew them thoroughly first. Think what they're made of and how they were made before we swallow and digest them. (Or sometimes spit them out -- but that's another story.) It's more complicated that way, but we can't help it. That's how we're programmed to deal with things.

I guess what I'm getting at here is... I'm having a difficult time handling things, simple things which are happening to me right now. Granted, things have never been easy for me even before, and I've always been doing things the way I do ever since I was old enough to think... But right now is different. Every moment IS anyway. Right now I'm dealing with simple things. Things I'm familiar with already.

I'm still not done chewing them... and I don't know if I could swallow.

A Lesson In Responsibility

I was very apprehensive to talk about it a week ago. Heck, I was apprehensive to even THINK about it then. But I guess right now I'm kinda over it.

So yeah, I got mugged. I won't go into details anymore, bottomline is I lost all the money I had 'til the next payday. The experience was very mind-numbing to say the least. When I got home, I was feeling pale all over.

There were a lot of "I could haves and I should haves" running through my mind then and I wasn't able to function well for the next few days. I was always priding myself on knowing what to do when faced with a situation like that. Turns out I wasn't.

The experience didn't do any good with trusting people either. I may still seem very agreeable but deep down I will always be feeling taken advantage of. Related to that, I can't even trust places as well. Before, I used to walk along that area in Makati at the oddest of hours and I wouldn't even be afraid of missing a step. Now I feel like I shouldn't go there anymore.

I didn't tell anyone about it except for a family member and a close friend since mostly I just wanted to forget about it. I even "atoned" for it by not having lunch the whole week. (Well, mostly because I don't have money to buy lunch, and I didn't want to borrow money from anyone.) :P

Anyway, I'm feeling ok about it now. Good thing I got my pay already. I worked hard for this and I'm going to try to learn to be more responsible for it.

Bored Series: Low Email Queue, High Meme

got this from a random blog. it would rock if i can get answers. :D

I ____ Podi.
Podi is ____.
If I were alone in a room with Podi, I would _______.
I think Podi should _____.
Podi needs ______.
I want to ____________ Podi.
Someday Podi will ________.
Podi reminds me of _______.
Without Podi _______.
Memories of Podi are ________.
Podi can be __________.
__________ is how I describe meeting Podi.
Worst thing about Podi _________.
Best thing about Podi _________.
I am ________ Podi.

In A State Of Emotional Numbness

"We made love last night
wasn't good
wasn't bad.
Intimate strangers
made meek and sad."

-- kd lang, Hain't It Funny

mm... i wonder what's wrong with the cosmos today. i woke up feeling rather fine. well... not fine, really. i wasn't feeling bad, but i certainly wasn't feeling good either.

it's not such an unusual occurrence. i've felt this way countless times before and i'm fine with it. i'm not compelled to lean to any type of reaction to any stimulus i receive within the day. simply put, i feel blah.

the disadvantage of feeling like this -- being somewhere in the middle -- is i'm more prone to slipping down the emotional slider. nothing serious. it's sorta like i don't feel like doing anything for the meantime. like, i'd rather be hugging a pillow. eating chips. drinking beer. watching a sappy romantic comedy. rather than answering emails from people telling me their lives are being screwed up by new technology.

bottomline, i can't wait 'til i get off work. friday night. i'd probably get me a few slices of blueberry cheesecake, and steep my heart in sugar and coffee.

mm...

The Beginnings Of Messianic Complex

"Happiness has come to this and God, it's such a heavy burden to bear."

-- Abra Moore, Happiness

ok. i'm basically a good guy, right? and i believe everyone around me is nice too. conflicts happen when individual perspectives don't really align that well, but it's only normal, and more often than not, i accept it. but yeah, basically i'm a good person, and i'd like to believe the people i consider friends are good as well.

sometimes they may act really bitchy, really mataray, or sometimes they would act like the whole world revolves around them (and they don't even notice they think this way), or the whole world has a conspiracy bent on making their lives miserable... but since i believe they're basically good, and they don't mean to be that way, and at the outset, they're just concerned for their own welfare and the welfare of the people around them... I WON'T TAKE IT AGAINST THEM.

i get angry, sure. i get pissed off once in a while. i'm only mostly bag of water like the next guy. prick me, i bleed and all that bullshiot. and when i'm stressed out, i don't make any attempts to hide it at all, but for the sake of all that is good in this world, i try my very best to work with things as proactively as i can...

what gets to me is IT TAKES SUCH A TOLL ON MY MIND. if people around me are breaking down, and i let myself go as well, everything good that i believe in, that i have learned, will just COME UNDONE!

i will say it again... i still have a lot to learn. i firmly accept that. i am honestly looking forward to each and every bleeding minute of it. but basically, BASICALLY i know how to keep myself sane for the meantime. and i do whatever i can to help my friends.

please, please, please i just need enough strength not to let myself go again. i don't want to go back down there.

When God Wants To Have A Laugh

taking a break from answering emails. whew. the long weekend has been a whirlwind of expenses. i guess, like people starting out work and getting their first salary, i get really stuck up on my budget and cram as much as possible for two weeks' worth of living.

a major culprit would be the weekend sale in megamall. it didn't matter if there were enough people to create a black hole, it didn't matter if my mother was always breathing down my neck (anak malaki sayo yan; anak hindi bagay; anak pautang naman), and it didn't matter if i'll be passing out from hunger... i'm getting myself new clothes! i don't have to borrow from my younger brother anymore, whee!

and yesterday, i promised myself i wouldn't spend anymore... that i need to have my expenses controlled for the next two weeks... but NO! i just had to decide to watch house of flying daggers, get myself three new books at a book sale, and treat some friends to lunch!

look, i don't regret spending my money on the things i got... but dang, i need more control! i can still survive until the next payday, but i really have to tighten my belt. no extraneous activities of any kind.

which, at its core, is how i prefer things to be. actually.

--

ASIDE: last night after watching house of flying daggers, i went to the restrooms. got inside one of the stalls and peed my merry way to bladder emptiness. and when i stepped out of the stall, guess who i see.

a WOMAN.

with a look of shock on her pancake encrusted face.

i must have turned slut red as i looked down and muttered an "ohmygoonesssorry." and as soon as i got out of the room, i was chuckling like some serial killer who just finished clearing evidence. that was enough to make my week.

Cracks On The Glass

all in all it's been swell. the people have been really great ('cept for this one guy who snapped at me) and the work hasn't been too stressful. my brain is at a constant cadence and i get enough time to do the things i like. sometimes i even get to spend too much time having fun.

for the past week, i've been chugging booze like crazy. enough to get me tipsy, not enough to get me drunk. kinda makes one think about falling in love, ne? needing just enough to get one tipsy, but not too much as to get one drunk.

lol... listen to me... 1AM and i'm blabbering jibberish like i haven't for a very long time.

and i haven't, come to think of it. i kinda miss it. being cerebral. staying up late, just thinking. it starts like a crack on a glass mirror, and then extends... producing offshoots as it walks its jagged path.

not anymore.

i can't tell if the glass has been completely shattered and there's nothing in front of me... or if the glass is still there. i can see the world before me, but i don't know if something still separates me from it. it's hard to tell. i guess i get cerebral and try to see the cracks on the glass because i want to know if something is still between me and the world. i want to know if i'm safe somewhere inside. (if safe is what you call it).

well anyway... i guess i just have to wait and see. glass or not, i'm still teetering over the edge. and all it would take is one nudge.

Feeling Of Impending Doom

i should be sleeping right now. i have my alarm set to go off at 3AM. but i still have that headache from last sunday, like a perpetual moon swirling about my person. i would have thought a personal moon would have been cool, but apparently it's not.

it hasn't always been a headache, this moon. last sunday it was a sore back. i don't even know where it came from. i was at megamall with bug, on the escalator to the third level, near cyberzone when BAM! there it was. bloody samurai jack just slashed perpendicularly with my spine his ultimate bad ass samurai blow.

i winced at the rate it spread throughout my body. and i was thinking, "uh-oh... please let this not be an omen of things to happen for the coming week..." and after that, little annoying things kept on exploding -- me forgetting stuff, stuttering, being absent-minded on little things, forgetting to turn on some corner while walking home, et-fucking-cetera.

i've always believed there are signs everywhere. sometimes i just tend to misread some of them. right now i'm trying to see if there's some other way i could interpret the signs the cosmos is throwing at my face. and in doing that, the cosmos rewarded me with a headache that won't let me sleep. OK, I GET IT. this week, THE FIRST WEEK I GO LIVE, the joke's on me. just get it over with already.

Hindi Pinapalampas Ang Gabing Tulad Nito

simple lang. inuman. tawanan. kantahan. umiikot ang buong mundo sa ilaw ng dalawang kandila na nasa gitna ng sala. hanging amoy ulan na paminsa'y umiihip sa siwang ng mga bintana ang tanging nagpapalamig sa gabi. kasama ang mga kaibigan -- mga dati nang kakulitan at mga bagong kakilala. walang problema, walang komplikasyon.

tagay ng gin ang nagsimula, wala nang pasakalye. bawal ang urungan. patigasan ng sikmura. lahat ng kasali, inaasahang maghimayan ng emosyon. at ganun na nga ang nangyari. sa bawat pag-ikot ng shotglass, sa bawat paglunok ng gin, kanya-kanyang storya ang lumabas. ibang klaseng chaser, ika nga.

ang maganda pa dito, walang kahit anong bahid ng pagbabalatkayo ang nagparamdam. nagpakatotoo lahat. masakit na masarap na masaya. gin, san mig light, at tawanan lang ang katapat ng bawat pang-aalaska, ng bawat pagsang-ayon, ng bawat pagtanggi.

at pagkalipas ng ilang oras, pagkatapos ng hindi na mabilang na ikot ng shotglass, naamoy na ng mga gising pa (na apat na lang mula sa pito, maliban sa anim pa na nauna nang umuwi pagsapit ng alas quatro) ang malamyos na pagsimoy ng hanging sabado.

lasing man habang nagliligpit, tulog man ang iba sa sahig, kumakabog man ang ulo ng iba... ang kwento'y saka pa lang mag-uumpisa. :)

kaya kay jade, jac, jette, mark, ariel, ino, tinny, jek-jek, abba, pryor, sheryl, randall; sa mga hindi nakasamang sina manelle, marvin, norman, joseph, at noel; sa mga naging kaibigan na sina sylvia, jovy, ariel, at brian... mahaba-habang inuman!

TIG-IISANG TAGAY NG GIN SA INYONG LAHAT! :D

Bored Series: Sex, Drugs, Rock n' Roll, and E-Mail

just because i like the keyboard and i can put it on my lap, i'm going to type in a new journal entry.

also, we've just finished another round of email simulations containing five emails. i don't know if i did well, but just because i've finished them... huzzah!

and later after work, we'll be heading over to jac's house for sex, drugs, and rock and roll. hahahaha... i wish. (don't panic bug.) we'll probably just have booze and i'll be inhaling second hand smoke again till the wee hours of novaliches morning, (hmm... maybe i ought to drop by oscar's place too.)

right now, i just finished answering another online quiz, but i'm too lazy to put the results here. the whole team is waiting for our 15-minute break, which will be around 8, and then after that... another hour or so of surfing and doing nothing.

will be going live on tuesday already. hope we already have the login for one of our tools then. i have 6AM-5PM to burn inside the office, with saturdays, sundays, and mondays off. kinda ideal if you think about it. i don't even know why i decided to pick the 10x4 schedule. but well, it's just going to be for three months anyway.

.....

oops, teammates are spamming. i swear, their correspondence has just eliminated the already blurred line between sex and alcohol. i'll be back.

Bored Series: Still No Tool Login

nakakahiya naman, we have to go side-by-side with the veteran reps again. maybe it's just me but i think the rep i pair up with doesn't like me too much. ok, we're not limited to one rep per person, but... i'm shy ok? and she seemed really nice. and i was there in the area already. and i didn't want to walk around the office anymore, looking for another person because everywhere i go, people seem to be always looking at me. one of the drawbacks of being tall. huff.

anyways, yeah she's nice in a cruel way. tough love ika nga. it should be a good thing and i should be challenged by it, but again, we have that word, challenge. pfft. upside, i'm really learning a lotta stuff from her. but my impression of her is really one nasty professor bearing down on a student.

sigh, well. a good student i am not. but i'm grateful none the less.

Ode To Being A Newbie

if there's one feeling i'm totally afraid of, it's the feeling of being a newbie. starting with a blank sheet of paper, not knowing how the lines will pan out once you're done with a few strokes. not knowing how other people will see it.

if one thinks about it, one should welcome new beginnings. a chance to redeem oneself from the backlogs of the past. starting over. for me, i can even think about it as faking my death and starting a whole new life somewhere. it's as profound as that. for me that is.

naturally, beginning something new doesn't necessarily mean the new path taken will be a brighter one than the one you left. it might be just as perilous, or maybe even worse. but we don't know that. (and if there's one thing i've learned from my life before, it's not to get ahead of myself too much.) the thought that you're given another chance to face life head on would be enough to push you through this new experience.

but then again, we're back to the first point. the scary feeling of being a newbie. of being a kid again. i hope people understand that feeling like a kid would make me more or less act like one. that is, being curious about everything and asking a lot of questions, no matter how inane.

sometimes even acting recklessly. reverting to my old self.

only better. :P

It's Not Good Bye After All

i have been riding the wave of inconspicuous normalcy for the past few days. acting like an ordinary person is something new to me, but it's not difficult getting used to. the last few days of client-specific training went fine, and we finished the finals last friday. a few people weren't able to make it because of one reason or another, but bottomline is the whole batch will miss them a lot...

for me, i will miss mommy sylvia mostly. the two of us are plenty alike... 'specially when it comes to trusting instincts. we follow it like a bright red blinking arrow pointing us to where we feel we can be most happy. i understand the decision she had to make when she told me she thought about things thursday night while reviewing for finals -- that feeling of being an outsider. it isn't so much about the people, because our batchmates have been really, really great... but that's not the only thing that counts. one also has to like what s/he is doing.

sylvia understood that. she's sad parting with the people she considered good friends in a few weeks' time, but she also understands she won't be very happy if she stayed. besides, we could always keep in touch. there are some people who pass by, who sit and talk with you, who really make a mark... and after that moment, it's UNTHINKABLE to even think of the rest of your life without them. :)

And The Cosmos Smiled

for the past three weeks, the gears in my brain have been constantly at work because of the nonstop flow of information. it has never worked this hard for a long time, i'm feeling quite fascinated by the occurrence. i might be getting super tired after each day ends, i might be getting sick of always having some sort of shape or size or color of network problems, and i might be developing a strong love for san mig light, but the bottom line is i'm having a spankin' good time.

yeah, i'm shouting it out to the whole world like a fuck you sign: I'M HAVING A HELL LOT OF FUN. now if you're going to spoil it or take it away just because i mentioned it instead of keeping it to myself, I DON'T CARE. because if you take it away from me, IT'S ALREADY TOO LATE. i've tasted what it's like to be happy, even for a few weeks of my sorry life.

and the feeling was accentuated by such a beautiful, beautiful view from the 30th floor of jg summit...

my camera phone's a poor excuse... the sun was a perfect bright yellow circle, manila bay cast ripples of playful reflection, haze hovered like a thousand angels above the water... but still. breathtaking, ne?

They're Just Quizzes... Right?

20 Questions To A Better Relationship

You are a RSIT -- Reserved Sentimental Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Archetypal Older Child

You are a hard nut to crack. You have a wicked sense of humor. Despite your reserved nature, you are more comfortable (and successful) in the meeting and courting mode than you are in a long term relationship. You feel misunderstood, and usually you are.

When you're in a good mood, you're funny, fascinating and a sexy firecracker, but when you're in a bad mood you are moody, broody and impatient. In courtship mode, you don't have to let anyone see your moody side. If you had your way, even in a long term relationship you would have enough time apart to deal with your bad moods yourself; unfortunately, it rarely works that way.

You stifle A LOT of anger and frustration -- from all areas of your life -- so when it comes out, it comes out nasty. More than any other type, your conflicts tend to turn on one tiny thing -- the dishes, the laundry -- that's really a scapegoat for your larger dissatisfactions with your relationship. You're baffled that your partner just can't do the dishes -- your partner is baffled that it's such a big deal. The only way around it is to let the dishes go entirely and try to get at the real root of what's bothering you.

I'm making you sound like a bear, but the fact is that you're so warm and charming most of the time that it effectively offsets the times you're unhappy.

You will make a weirdly good parent.

Don't pair up with someone who'll make sexual demands of you. That's just not going to fly at all.

--

20 Questions To A Better Personality

You are a WEDL -- Wacky Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Anarchist.



You don't give a damn. When push comes to shove, you just forget about it--it's just not worth the heartache. What this means for others is that dealing with you can be aggravating, because they find they can't get you motivated about things they care about. What this means for you is that you are happier, calmer, and saner then they are on their best days.

You are near-immune to criticism, and those who know you well acknowledge and respect that. You may come across as lazy, but the truth is that you find little to get worked up about. Regardless, you have slews of friends, because they are fascinated by your world view, jealous of your lifestyle, and drawn to the fact that you are hilarious to be around.

You are a pillar in a sea of hot-bloodedness. You have a sweet tooth.

The Filipino Experience

i don't know how to describe the past week. it was good, actually. short of being hilarious. every dinner i've had included a minor count of three mishaps -- bumping a painful area on my knee somewhere sharp, squirting calamnsi on my clothes, someone else spilling iced tea on my lap... i was almost waiting for the whole restaurant to collapse.

right now i just finished halfway through the client-specific training. i don't know the results of the exams yet. crossing my fingers for a passing mark. at least a passing mark. if not, well, i'm already psyched for it. i can get booze at some ministop somewhere or movie-marathon myself 'til i pass out. heh. either way, pass or fail, i'll be having a good time afterwards.

--

the other day i went with a new friend, jade, to carriedo to look for info on how to get an nbi clearance. we got there around 4 so we just decided to put it off til saturday and just walk around the area. now, wanderlust hits me a lot, but when it does, i just try to stick to my territory, that being the makati area. but since we were there already, i thought i might as well take in the unique experience.

i told jade i've never felt so filipino in my whole life. looking at the community around quiapo church, it was so... rich in culture. so thick, you can stick out your tongue and lick it. (unsanitary i know, but you get the idea. hehe...)

i even have a souvenir picture...

hmm... i think i caught a slight whiff of the action going on in there. or maybe that was just wishful thinking. or my libido. hehe...

Why Sometimes I Couldn't Care Less

the team i'm in is supposed to handle emails. i would sound like a whooping big ass wimp if i say something like, "omg, thank goodness i don't have to contend with calls and talk with people," but then again, if there's one thing i'm not afraid of proclaiming to the whole world, it's me being a big ass wimp. so... OMG, THANK GOODNESS I DON'T HAVE TO CONTEND WITH CALLS AND TALK WITH PEOPLE.

one catch though, we might sometimes be called in to take voice calls if the queue goes really high. the trainors said it doesn't happen often, and it will be voluntary for us, but still.

anyway, not surprisingly, most of my teammates think that it was such a big disappointment. they said they'd rather answer calls or be transferred to another skill set. "it's more CHALLENGING."

now that's a big word for me. challenging. for me, words like that belong in another parallel universe altogether. but hey, to say i'm afraid of challenges would be a bit inaccurate. for me, the word challenge is just that -- a word.

if, for instance, a professor or someone who knows better poses some situation as a challenge, it would affect me neither positively nor adversely. blah. ok, so right, it's categorized under the "challenges" section. for me it's just another ordinary situation. ordinary enough for me to sometimes forget, or disregard, or not just take seriously. if i do it, i do it; if i don't, i don't. of course, I'D RATHER NOT, but for all intents and purposes in this hole of a life, i still try to do it. sometimes.

goes the same for DARES. i'm always, "what the hell?" so what if it's a dare. i'd do it if i want to, i won't if i don't.

.....

ok i think my soul just lost experience points. sigh. next life probably i'd devolve into some dirt-chewing animal. no different from what i'm going through now, come to think of it. heh.

Trying To Get My Groove Back

how the hell am i supposed to sleep now? work tomorrow starts 6AM. it was a bad move for me to give in to sleepiness earlier at 6. now i'm awake and i probably won't be able to sleep until later. gosh i just hope i don't fall asleep while in training.

--

things to do before the 13th (just so i could remember them):

- submit 1902 and e1 form to some girl (has to be after work tomorrow)
- get nbi clearance (tomorrow too if possible... ask someone to go with me)
- get transcript of records (scary... haven't set foot in school for a long ass time)
- another picture taken, 2x2 (must not tie my hair back this time)
- get myself a nifty container for coffee
- look up other things i forget

--

aside. ok, to you who i didn't talk to during lunchtime at seattle's best last thursday. i'm sorry if i didn't. i was studying and you were with someone. even if we were only one table apart, i felt it was still a bit awkward. i wasn't being snotty at all, and if i appeared to be, i'm really sorry. you know my moods -- i'm always cranky, especially before a major test.

besides, what was i supposed to say? you, on the other hand, had a lot to tell.

I Sing The Blues When I Have To Baby

there was nothing i could do when
the elevator door said its sweet good bye
except swallow my hi and choke back a chance
for a sad hello to slide out and wait
until the blues bleed me dry.

but baby it really doesn't matter when
the rain falls down in sheets just like
when tears fall out of place --
i sing the blues when i have to baby
oh baby i sing the blues.

i know you're tired of kissing when
i see sparkles in your eyes
which were a bit, but not too quite
just a little over sad lovin'
because those sparkles were coming from mine.

but baby it really doesn't matter when
the clouds won't part at all.
it's just like any other day with you
because that's when i sing the blues,
and i sing the blues when i have to baby,

that's when i sing the blues,
oh baby i sing the blues.
and when you're gone i sing the blues
and that's when i have to baby
oh baby i sing the blues...

I Shouldn't Be Here

i started work yesterday. honestly i'm still not sure how i feel about it. i'm not feeling good, or any sense of anticipation for that matter; nor am i feeling absolutely bad... to say i'm adjusting would fall short of what i'm actually feeling. i guess part of it is the awkwardness of being a newbie. annnnnd the larger part... i really don't know.

the people have been really, really ok. the trainers have been nothing else but great, and my batchmates are genuinely nice. (i'd definitely remember my groupmates most of all -- anna, who is the oldest among us but looks the youngest; alvin, who used to work at gma and is very serious; manelle, who is very pretty that i had to sketch her without her knowing; gina, the gorgeous ex-flight attendant and the single mother; and ariel, the timid hacker.) so it's definitely not the people who are making me feel this oddly.

weird, but sometimes i would find myself thinking, "i shouldn't be here!" and actually almost start saying it, but i cut myself after "i~sh..."

come to think of it, i've always felt like that. even in school before, i would think to myself i shouldn't be there. i would think i should be somewhere else, DOING something else. anywhere i try to put myself into, i find out after a while i'm not supposed to be there.

and maybe that's why most of the times i leave things half-baked. most of the times, i would be perceived as a QUITTER because i just walk out on something i feel i'm not supposed to be in.

like in grade two soccer. i only attended a few weekends, then i didn't show up anymore. (i stayed long enough for the cool uniforms tho.)

and in 4th grade, i took up violin lessons. after a few sessions, i transferred to glee club. and realizing the maestro had a bad ass attitude, i decided not to attend anymore.

it transcended in high school during citizen's army training. half of the year i just upped and left. all the teachers were in a panic on what to do since i've been an honor student ever since prep, and then suddenly i pull a stunt like that? what the hell right?

and don't even make me count the leaves of absence and course drops i filed (or most of the times i didn't even bother to file) during college. i honestly lost track.

right now, with this job, i have a slight inkling in my mind that i would just suddenly walk out as well. (although if i'm going to, it might as well be during the training period since it will be more convenient for me and for the company that way.) even if i have a hell lot of reasons to stay -- like the necessity to earn money, for instance. i've already talked with allan about this and he thinks it's possible i do that too -- walk out i mean -- but he's asking me to try it out at least for four months. i told him i'll try as best as i can. still, i'm feeling... iffy about things. "i shouldn't be here."

everytime, EVERYTIME it's always been like that for me. i don't know what i want, and what i want to do. i'm well aware of the fact that if i just stick to things, i definitely will excel. the thing is, it's the sticking part that's causing me problems. i just can't. because mostly i feel I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.

now what would that be?

imagine a google of ideas, a million or two sentences, a hundred or so words, all mixing up in a tornado of a magnitude the size of which could drill a hole on jupiter... and then nothing.

it means if i find out, i'll blog about it.




----------
QUOTE FOR THE DAY: "And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time." (Michelle Branch, Goodbye To You)

Reason? What Reason?

there is no simple explanation for it. i am hopelessly addicted to skyblade and i have no idea why. it's not the graphics, it's not the sound, it's not the gameplay, it's not the interaction... but there's an annoying little something that is absolutely keeping me hooked like i'm not starting work on monday.

ok let's dissect some of its aspects. starting the game, one has no choice but to rush into the fray of hacking/slashing in the novice field. there will be no other things to do, no matter how many ctrl keyboard combinations one pushes, except to left click at a noisy, whining (snorting farting belching) monster and grab the items it drops. good thing one doesn't have to frantically click the mouse button repeatedly for a continuous attack -- one neat click is enough to make the character into a mad, rampaging, sword-wielding, hair-being-whipped-by-the-wind martial artist. anyway, this is done until the character reaches level 15 or so.

within that span of 15 levels, the player is expected to learn some things already, like the pricing of some manufacturing items. (i once sold a chestnut for 200 gold pieces, finding out it actually costs 1,000 gold pieces.) and also some basic commands like how to bring up the trade window, private messaging, and creating and joining parties.

other than those, the player will also learn that one wouldn't be able to meditate until he is level 10, wouldn't be able to jump until he is level 20, wouldn't be able to fly until level 30, THE ACTUAL STORY^* DOESN'T START UNTIL HE IS LEVEL 33, and one wouldn't be able to use his powers until he is in bloody level 55, and until then there is nothing to do but hack and fucking slash.

so why do i like this game? I HAVE NO IDEA.

now if you'll excuse me, i will be at the overlord server, smashing golems in the wilderness.


----------
^*the story's quite neat actually, being derived from chinese (or korean) mythology. check out the story here.

Suntok Sa Buwan

ok ok... i know i've made a lot of supposedly bad decisions in the past, and i try as best as i can to stick by them. how could this one be any different? one thing i've learned, oft times things aren't as bad as they seem. closer looks count for a lot. maybe if i give this one a chance first before nipping it in the bud, i may actually enjoy it. and friends are really helping me out on this one.

do i sound like i'm just trying to convince myself? puchangshet. i'm missing the pensioneer's life already...

Sick In More Ways Than One

goodness i should be doing a lot of things right now, but i'm sick sick sick. so sick i think my nose will fall off any second if i don't keep a big-ass hanky, my left hand, and globs of vicks glueing it to my face.

well, actually i finished one thing i was supposed to do -- a speech my mother will be delivering for some event in her school tomorrow. i thunk about it and got it all on a file approximately one hour lying down with lappie being kept erect by my mutant emerging pot belly and three pillows under my thighs. to top it all off, my face was stuffed with that hanky and vicks solution, looking like a wild monster flower in mid-bloom. thinking about it now, i must have seemed like a virgin sacrifice ready to be forked and thrown in a volcano.

(shivers...) must shake that image off my brain.

meanwhile, what else do i have to do. oh right. WORRY. i might be starting an actual job on monday. MIGHT being the operative word. because as with everything else, i'm not sure if i really want to do this. ok, i know i HAVE to do this, since i really, no, our family really needs the extra money but... I'M SELFISH OK?

well, not selfish-selfish, but selfish as in i really put my wants in balance with my needs. compromise is something i rarely want to have to deal with.

i was with a friend earlier, and i told him about this particular issue of mine, about actually starting to work. he said, "ganyan talaga." and i was like, ok. whenever someone says "ganyan talaga" to me, it seems as if i'm from a totally different universe. like i don't really know how it's like to live as a human being. i want to say, "ah, ganyan talaga? kasi sa nakagawian ko, hindi ganyan talaga." because i really believe things don't always go as one sees it (or as one is used to seeing it). "futures have a way of falling in mid-flight," as that poem goes. and i want to know which other way i can go.

but see, that's one of my problems too. i've put my life on hold for a long time already, give or take two years. for two years i've been trying to ask myself what i really want to do with my life. the best answer i can come up with is just "what i want to do," period. the "with my life" part just floats away unbidden and i stop dead in my tracks. what life?

and now i'm forced to take a path. i can't be on hold forever. i guess i can only hope that with this road i'm taking it'll get me somewhere. i'm so tired of wandering aimlessly.

What Just Happened?

oh my. i think i lost a whole week. i know i did a lot of things, my memory could attest to that, and i know i went places trying to figure out how to grow up, but... what the hell just happened? i don't even think i can recall writing anything serious at all about the past week. or sketching something i liked. or even receiving a goshdarned mushy txt message that made me go "aww hell" like that.

right now, everything's been like a blurry montage. a languid fashion show with music as if resonating from a deep well. bored models strutting on the catwalk, caked with electric colors for make up and tattered clothes one wouldn't actually wear. i know i got rained on, and i know i had a blast with a friend for his birthday, and i know i went thru all sorts of things pretending to be a grown-up.. but i can't help feeling something's amiss. like i should be doing something important.

early this evening i was on the mrt going to ortigas and the feeling was weird, to put it lightly. i had music on but what i could hear was the metallic buzzing of the train on the tracks, almost like a yawning monster. and the colors of dusk were the dullest smattering of grey light i have ever seen. i felt like i'm on autopilot. lifeless, aimless, and a low, dissonant blur.

i don't even know what i should be trying to figure out right now. when i started writing this entry, i was hoping towards the end i'd be able to zero in on what i needed to know. because that's how writing has always been for me -- a way to break down something incoherent and eventually make sense of it somehow. it isn't true now. now i just feel like i turned over an abstract painting... and everything still doesn't make sense.

mahaba-habang inuman...

And The Applause Was Loud

the heavens appluaded me for a magnificent performance the other day. i could hear the cheers of the audience ringing in my ears, smelling wonderful red and green smells around me. i was almost crying with orgasmic anticipation for the next second, and the next, and the next... and it seemed like it would last forever.

i knew i didn't have the power but i tried everything i could to prolong the feeling. i bowed lower, i smiled to everyone, i laughed, i walked left, i walked right... because i knew i would only be able gaze into the eyes of that particular emotion once and i'm not sure if i would still be able to feel it after a very long time.

but like all good promises, the promise of spending eternity under the canopy of gratuitous praise had to be broken, and i had to strip myself of everything. paula cole said she was a self-obsessed artist. i guess i am too. heaven got tired of the applause and everywhere was silent. i was all washed up, and i had to set foot home.

i'm going to miss walking under the rain.

Feeding Escapism

i've jumped into the mmorpg bandwagon and got SkyBlade: Sword of the Heavens. been playing for two days and really, it's beginning to work its charms on me.

... (silence.)

(thinks thinks thinks of something to write. maybe write about SkyBlade. ooh. i'm almost at level 11. hmm. maybe i can upgrade my weapon already. and get that nice glowing sword thingie.)

... (thoughtful silence.)

(tap tap tap tap...)

... (nervous silence.)

i think i'll play again. hee hee...

On A Lazy Sunday Afternoon

ok, enough of growing old. after all, what did that kooky girl in "Under The Tuscan Sun" say? "Never lose your childlike innocence." so i'm determined i won't.

right now i'm at a public terminal because my stint at having free internet access via csb infonet is over. i'm assuming first term has already come and gone. which means i'd have to be doing something once second term starts rolling in. so i'm half-hoping i get this job, half-hoping i'd get another one -- maybe something involving either graphics or web design. and a friend asked me if i would like to play english tutor to koreans. will probably try my luck there as well. crossing my fingers.

Little Boy Hiding Under The Covers

excuse me while i wiggle my legs back to its solid state. sheesh. i just finished my morning interview with a company i applied for. they told me to come back at 2:30 for a test of sorts, and if ever i pass that one, i'd be called in for another interview tonight. TONIGHT! sheesh! i don't even have time to hold my breath! things are going waaaaayyy too fast.

mike told me one foot was already inside, all i had to do was go in. i'm in the process of going in. i'm half hoping they won't shut the door on my leg, half hoping they'd push me out. i'm getting scared of the big picture -- how much of a grown-up it would warp me.

most of my life has been spent doing away with systems of any sort, although i inject myself once in a while just to live somewhat normally. even my mother said i was weird ("anak, ang weird mo."), and i was ok with that! i reveled in it! i was proud of the fact that i was different, more different than any other schmuck in a batman shirt and tattered shorts. i didn't grow old.

and now... now... i'm wearing a white long-sleeved top, black slacks, leather shoes, and i have a bag stuffed with my resumes. i look like an adult. boring, and in shades of grey. soon enough i'd be worrying about making more money and staying on top. i'd forget about making love on a stormy night or faking my death or working as a household help or loving like a trainwreck.

the only things keeping me sane are the cap i'm wearing and the songs playing on little podi. other than those, the kid inside this corporate-clad drone-to-be is scared.

scared of the big picture looming before his eyes.


PS: i'm overreacting i know, but guess what... WIMP WITH NERVOUS FINGERS TYPING HERE! i need a stress ball. to bite on.

Dissipate

it was amusing
how it happened
like brushfire
like flood
one moment there
and then suddenly
gone

i know it happened
because i saw it
and i didn't know
if it was blood in my eyes
but it was red stained somewhat
not like water
but more like fire

and i know it happened
because i felt it
hot and scalding
cutting a path down my cheeks
like knife cold
and glinting in the moonlight
not like fire
but more like water

and there was a light missing
and a note blown by the wind
(silently, cruelly)
with a message unread
and will remain a dream
unchased, unimportant
but suddenly
gone

--

the storm is really giving its best shot tonight. maybe i shouldn't have been so angry, or so sad. even the power's out. i hope it gets fixed soon. lappie's battery will last for another two hours at most, and i haven't charged little podi yet. plus, i slept earlier this evening so sleep won't be easy to catch in the next few hours.

and here's a secret... i'm scared of the dark.

These Foolish Things

i'm going to list down the things i want to do. most of them are ridiculous but i still want to experience them anyway. heck, most people i know like to bungee jump what the hell is that? (ok, i'm a wimp who cares.) maybe this will help lighten my mood some.

1. fake my death and live somewhere remote.


2. work as a house help for some filthy rich family.


3. learn to play the violin.


4. learn to drive.


5. learn how to read and write elvish.


6. join a rock group.


7. draw like this


8. make love on the rooftop of a very tall building at a stormy night.


9. shake down the stars

i hope that's not all of it. heh. i don't want to die just yet.

When Ghosts Fall Silent

sleeping has never really been a problem for me. i'd be contented even if i get only four to five hours of sleep, never mind the time of day. but recently it's been getting insane, my sleeping patterns. it's beginning to shape up like how i wash my hair -- two days conditioning then the next day shampooing, except with sleeping, it's been more like two days awake through the night and almost half a day of sleep after. like last night, i slept at 9PM and woke up today almost 11AM.

i used to not mind it. after all, i get work done. but right now i'm feeling all sad and cosmic about it. it's weird. feeling sad because of not getting sleep. maybe it's because an hour or so after waking up, i prefer not talking. i just want to move around and do my things in my ugly out-of-bed self first, until the gloom of waking up dissipates silently to the air and the thick cake of sleep is gone from my eyes. then maybe i can be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for another twelve or so hours being awake.

but those hours of keeping silent are slowly stretching throughout the day. i want to keep quiet and just plug my ears to music while going about the whole day. the brightest my eyes can reach is when i make the effort to smile, and that's a lot. give or take half a twinkle. (i miss my dimples.)

right now it's almost four and i haven't uttered a peep. not even txt anyone. i might be going home around 6, then wait until dinner. go online for a while, talk with people, play neverwinter nights for maybe an hour, and then sleep.

ok i sound like i'm complaining again. i'm not, i guess. i've been doing things that i like -- getting some writing done, practicing layouts, drawing a lot, talking with people i like...

sigh. i guess it's just human nature to want something more. that life can be better. i want to do a lot of things, reach out to a lot of people. love like a trainwreck.

O'Tanjoubi Omedetou!

Happy birthday bug! :) (I forgot Sumomo's ribbon!) Har har...

There's A Kind Of Hush

i know it's all over when one uses a carpenters song as a title, BUT WHO CARES? it's friday night! :) the whole week has been, in three cruel syllables, merciless. me and lappie have been working nonstop (and without enough, never enough compensation i might add) in conceptualizing, designing, and coding website layouts. my eyes are beginning to twitch at the sight of CSS or HTML and my fingers are raw from typing and clicking. now i understand why the matrix people wear shades. sheesh.

and last night was the crux, the proverbial thorned crown. i spent all night CSS-ing and HTML-ing the new progay website. i've decided to publish it in blogger instead of the usual geocities since with blogger, the progay president, mr. oscar atadero, would be able to update the website himself by just posting articles. no fuss. i told him if he needed to rehaul an entire section or something then that would be the time to call on me, instead of having me go all the way to laloma, qc every week and spend the night in a different environment where i wouldn't be able to have the pleasure of working in the nude. heh.

but despite of being tired and feeling all beaten up, i feel rather... useful. productive. more than ever in my whole sordid life. sure there have been bonks on the head (and the heart) for me this week too, but somehow i can't think about it as much (even tho there's this little voice in my head telling me i should). the feeling of doing something for the community is more overwhelming. damn, this is nice to say the least.

plus, bug and i watched the stepford wives at greenbelt 1. nicole kidman always had the ability to make my heart skip several randomly distributed beats whenever she appears on the screen, and matthew broderick does not grow old. and as for the movie, it's been a long time since i've watched a dark comedy, and this one hit the spot right there. it wasn't really spectacular like that, but what counted was the feeling of gid i had after stepping out of the theater. mm... delish.

and to top it all off, my brother is in cavite for his overnight retreat and my sister is spending the night at a groupmate's house doing i couldn't care less. i have the house all to myself until tomorrow afternoon. the world is at peace. w00t.

PS: meanwhile, nickelback's playing on the background, singing, "somethin's gotta go wrong cos i'm feeling way too damn good..."

lol screw that.

Panic Panic

ok, so i tried publishing my blog to an ftp server. and then it didn't work. and then i switched back to blogspot. and now it's not publishing. not correctly anyway. but it looks ok in my browser. oh god oh god let's hope nothing went wrong...

ok, publishing again...

UPDATE UPDATE: thank goodness i managed to fix everything. whew. the place looks clean and pristine. 'cept for the banner tho, but it's ok. it's the first time i'm using a pentel-pen based drawing anyways. heh.

wow. anyway, so my new URL is http://www.juantamad.com/whiteroom/blog -- which is a lot longer than the blogspot address, slower in publishing, and nothing really spectacularly different. but hey. i'm not complaining.

in other news, it's 3AM and i'm hungry as heck from all that brainwork all night. (yawn...)

gotta split...

Rehaul To White Padded Walls

because i don't feel so red and angry and enraged anymore. besides, the cute 38-pixeled height of the blogger navbar should shine in all its glory. heh. plus, i feel kinda good having to use one of my drawings as a layout image. finally, i didn't need to bastardize whatever picture i could get my dirty little hands on in my hard drive.

the girl, by the way, is another one of my renditions of Death. and that's the main theme for this layout. the little verse is from an anonymous author i got somewhere off the net. it says:

remember friend as you pass by
as you are now so once was i
as i am now you soon shall be
so prepare for death and follow me

morbid as it may sound, Neil Gaiman's Death is actually very cheerful, very optimistic, and if that's not enough to describe her, she often likes saying, "peachy keen."

We Are Not Second Class

ok, forget about sleeping early. i was bloghopping through my dailies and read an update on dalai banana's blog about australia banning gay marriages. i thought more people should know about this so, i'll be posting one of the banners dalai made in protest of anything australian.

except kylie minogue. :)

Fresh Blogger Goodness

the blogger navbar is a cool replacement to the boring and ugly google ads, but it screwed up my layout somewhat. i've been doing some tweaking with the codes and this is the best solution i can come up with.

i guess i should take this as a sign to cook up a new layout. i've a couple of ideas percolating anyways. hmm.

UPDATE: great! i managed to cover the navbar up temporarily. but i want it to show. so i will definitely have to work on a new layout. tomorrow. right now i need to sleep. (yawn...)

From Delight To Delirium

i personally don't like it. but i feel like i have to use one of my own sketches now, instead of always regurgitating other anime pictures. still. i feel like there's something wrong with it.

sigh. this is more difficult than i thought...

but anyways, i'd like to thank jasper for hosting my site. wow. many happy dances of joy to you sir. hehe...

in other news, a friend taught me how to color in photoshop last night. so i spent most of the afternoon and some parts of the evening trying to color my drawing of Delirium. another one of Neil Gaiman's Endless. i like the retro look. altho the background color looks like the new yahoo messenger. oh well. must keep practicing...

--

"Delirium is the youngest of the Endless. She smells of sweat, sour wines, late nights, old leather. Her realm is close, and can be visited; however, human minds were not made to comprehend her domain, and those few who have made the journey have been incapable of reporting back more than the tiniest fragments. The poet Coleridge claimed to have known her intimately, but the man was an inveterate liar, and in this, as in so much, we must doubt his word.

"Her appearance is the most variable of all the Endless, who, at best, are ideas cloaked in the semblance of flesh. Her shadow's shape and outline has no relationship to that of any body she wears, and it is tangible, like old velvet.

"Some say the tragedy of Delirium is her knowledge that, despite being older than suns, older than gods, she is forever the youngest of the Endless, who do not measure time as we measure time, or see the worlds through mortal eyes. Others deny this, and say that Delirium has no tragedy, but here they speak without reflection. For Delirium was once Delight. And although that was long ago now, even today her eyes are badly matched: one eye is a vivid emerald green, spattered with silver flecks that move; her other eye is vein blue. Who knows what Delirium sees, through her mismatched eyes?" (From The Sandman, Season of Mists)

I Have Seen God

and he is the most cutie patootie thing EVER.

i am delirious. seriously.



[photo copyright MJS; e-mail: thelittleprince@philwebinc.com]

Death & Desire: Inchoate

it's been quite a while since i sat down with a pen and doodled something. and because it rained tonight and i was out with bug stuck at starbucks 6750, i was able to draw a couple of Endless fanarts -- Desire and Death. they may not look much, but still. i actually almost fell in love with Death. lol.

i have to admit... i'm a bit proud of them. considering i've been focusing on writing lately, i thought i won't be able to pull it off. but my hands just kept on creating the lines one by one, stroke by stroke. like it MISSED drawing something. the feeling was surreal. i wish i could polish it off some more tho. oh well. will try to work on that.

--

"When the first living thing existed, I was there, waiting. When the last living thing dies, my job is finished. I'll put the chairs on tables, turn out the lights and lock the universe behind me when I leave." (Death, Sandman #20)

--

"Desire is of medium height. It is unlikely that any portrait will ever do Desire justice, since to see her (or him) is to love him (or her), -- passionately, painfully, to the exclusion of all else. Desire smells almost subliminally of summer peaches, and casts two shadows: one black and sharp-edged, the other translucent and forever wavering, like heat haze. Desire smiles in brief flashes, like sunlight glinting from a knife-edge. And there is much else that is knife-like about Desire. Never a possession, always the possessor, with skin as pale as smoke, and eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine: Desire is everything you have ever wanted. Whoever you are. Whatever you are. Everything."